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‘Turkey or Fish’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Turkey or Fish

110. Turkey or Fish

Aired November 22, 1996

After Debra decides to host Thanksgiving dinner this year and serve fish instead of turkey, she gets the feeling Marie is hoping she will fail.

Quote from Frank

Ray: All right, Warren, what's the score? You're watching soccer?
Warren: Uruguay versus Venezuela.
Frank: [enters] Did anybody score while I was crossing the street? What the hell is this crap? That's soccer.
Warren: Frank, only in America is football the game that you're familiar with. In many countries, when people refer to ''footbalI'' they actually mean soccer.
Frank: In many countries, people eat cats. [changes the channel]

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Quote from Ray

Ray: Come on, you're gonna hate it if they come. The first thing my father's gonna do is grab your turkey's butt, huh? That's not pretty.
Debra: Well, that's not gonna happen because this year, instead of turkey, I was thinking...
Ray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, I'm sorry. Did you say ''instead of turkey''?
Debra: Yeah. I was thinking I would cook up this nice, big, fresh fish.
Ray: Fish?
Debra: Yeah, fish.
Ray: Fish on Thanksgiving?
Debra: Yeah. I mean, it's really better for you. I was gonna do this lovely striped bass.
Ray: Yeah, but a striped bass is a fish!

Quote from Ray

Ally: Ms. McCarthy told us that they had fish at the first Thanksgiving.
Debra: See?
Ray: Well, people were stupid then, sweetie.
Ray: Come on. Fish.
Debra: No. Look. I mean, we wanna start our own tradition, and we all like fish and Ally wants it to be like the first Thanksgiving.
Ray: Why don't we have some smallpox, too, then? Come on. What, are you crazy? You want me to convince my parents to come over here and my big sales pitch is "Mmm, mmm, Fish!"
Debra: But see, it makes sense, because your mom makes this great turkey. That's her specialty.
Ray: Right. And you do a great fish. Yes. But not on turkey day. Please. Try that on a day where there's less pressure. Pearl Harbor Day. Yeah, there's a good holiday for surprises.

Quote from Ray

Debra: About Thanksgiving.
Ray: Yeah, what about it?
Debra: Well, I was thinking. Aren't you tired of going to our parents' houses every year?
Ray: Yeah. Yeah. The Witness Protection Program. We go underground this year.
Debra: Here, hold this. I was thinking that instead of alternating between their houses we could just have Thanksgiving here.
Ray: No. Here, no.
Debra: Why?
Ray: Witness Protection Program. Come on. You're gonna miss some people but you'll make a lot of friends when you're blonde.

Quote from Ray

Debra: You know, we're a family, and I kind of wanna have our own tradition. When the kids remember Thanksgiving, I want them to think of our celebration.
Ray: But it's supposed to be at my mom's this year.
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: She doesn't handle change well. Remember the great microwave wars of '93?
Debra: She survived them. Look, they'll just come over here.
Ray: Yeah, but my mom's such a great cook. Thanksgiving. That's what kind of makes my mom... worth it.
Debra: Are you saying I'm not a great cook?
Ray: No! But you're always worth it. [chuckles] See, that's called a quick save.

Quote from Frank

Marie: [enters] Smell your father.
Frank: Would you stop!
Marie: Smell your father. [Ray sniffs him] What does he smell like?
Ray: A summer breeze.
Marie: Oh! Mothballs! He pulled this old jacket out of the attic without taking it to the cleaners first. Ooh, that smell makes me sick.
Frank: Oh, relax! If mothballs were bad for people, they'd call them peopleballs.

Quote from Ray

Ray: You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook, and I'll watch football with my pants open all day.
Debra: You know, my dad doesn't really like football, Ray.
Ray: Your parents are coming?
Debra: Yeah. And they're really happy we're having Thanksgiving here.
Ray: Oh, we just got rid of two parents. Why are you bringing two more in?
Debra: I mean, your parents should really be here, too.
Ray: Oh, oh. That makes four parents. You're going backwards.
Debra: Come on. I mean it's not a real Thanksgiving unless the whole family's here. It'd be like when the Russians boycotted the Olympics. It diminished the whole event.
Ray: You're forgetting something very important. When the Russians didn't come, we won everything.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Okay. Now, all I gotta do is drain the potatoes finish my relish tray, and get my fish going.
Ray: Okay.
Debra: Where's the fish? [Ray is silent] Ray, where's the fish?
Ray: You know, I think Michael needs changing. Why don't you change him?
Debra: No, Michael's fine.
Ray: Somebody needs changing here.
Debra: Where's the fish?
Ray: You know what? I think I put it in the fridge.
Debra: What! What are you trying to do, Ray? It's not in here.
Ray: Oh, look. Here it is, right here.
Debra: You put my fish in the dishwasher?
Ray: There's good news. You know, like usual I forgot to put detergent in. Okay, all right? See, the stupidity finally paid off.

Quote from Frank

Lois: Would you boys mind if I put the parade on? I simply have to see it this year. Savion Glover's doing a tap medley from Bring In 'Da Noise, Bring In 'Da Funk.
Frank: Bring in the straitjackets.
Ray: You can go watch the game in our room.
Frank: That screen's too small.
Ray: No, you can take your shoes off and lie on our bed.
Frank: That's true.
Ray: On it! On the bed, Dad, not in it.

Quote from Marie

Marie: I had no business making a turkey on your Thanksgiving. And your fish is wonderful. I mean, whenever I make fish, Frank won't even touch it.
Debra: You don't have to say that, Marie.
Marie: No, honey, I do. I do. Well, you know, when I wanted to make my first Thanksgiving for everybody my mother-in-law went out of her way to make me miserable.
Ray: Nonni Barone?
Marie: Oh, yeah. She was a horrible woman. I mean, very pushy. You know, and I guess I've been making you Thanksgiving dinner for so many years, I felt a little threatened.
Debra: I threatened you?
Ray: Hey, there you go, honey.
Marie: You've made a beautiful Thanksgiving. [hugs Debra]
Ray: Oh, boy.
Marie: And you know what why should I work so hard anymore? From now on we're all coming here every Thanksgiving. Right here. [walks away]
Ray: [sobs]

Quote from Ray

Ray: Deb, look at this. I was working out. I was doing some power crunches and I found this lump here. What the hell is this? This is something. This is something here. This is not. Oh, I got another one. It's a set. That's okay. I'm all right. Don't worry about it.
Debra: Freak.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Oh, Debra, how nice! You're giving sewing another try.
Debra: This is Ally's Thanksgiving costume for school.
Ray: My daughter is a yam.
Marie: Maybe she'll put on a little show for us after our Thanksgiving dinner.

Quote from Marie

Debra: Listen, now that you mentioned it, Marie, I was thinking that maybe we could have Thanksgiving here this year.
Marie: [chuckles] That's silly. I mean, why go to all that trouble?
Ray: It is kind of silly.
Debra: Ray.
Ray: Listen, Ma, Debra wants to try it this year. And I do, too, since I sleep over here now.
Marie: Yeah. Yeah, but you spent last year at Debra's parents'.
Debra: Well, I was thinking we could do it here this year and then next year you could do it, and then my parents. I kind of wanna just start my own tradition.
Marie: Oh, that's fine. That's just fine. I was just wondering why you're pulling that baloney on my year.
Ray: Ma, Debra's just trying to get into the rotation, that's all.
Marie: This is our year. Frank, say something.
Frank: Who cares? Just so long as I get my favorite piece of the turkey. The last part over the fence: the caboose.
Marie: Well, Frank, you have a choice: You can either have it here, or at home with me where I will be preparing my usual Thanksgiving feast.
Ray: A feast.
Marie: You heard me. [exits]
Ray: She's making a feast.
Frank: Well, I could eat here, and there. Then I get two cabooses.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Honey, how big is a big turkey?
Debra: About 18 pounds.
Ray: [holding one of the twins] Eighteen pounds. I think this one is just enough.
Debra: Put him down.
Ray: [sniffs] Oof, this one is self-basting.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Well, you've got your wish. Yeah, we're having Thanksgiving here, and the Russians are coming.
Debra: Wow, great! That's what I wanted. Here.
Ray: Really? We'll see.
Debra: What do you mean?
Ray: Well, because my mom now said she'd be happy to come.
Debra: So, what's wrong with her being happy?
Ray: Just think about it. This was supposed to be her year, right? The year that you're now taking. And everybody's gonna be coming here and she now knows that the star of your show is a fish. That makes her very happy.
Debra: Come on, what are you saying? That your mother's looking forward to my dinner being a flop?
Ray: I'm not saying she wants it to be a flop, but she doesn't want it to be better than hers.

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