Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Ray's on TV’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Loves Raymond: Ray's on TV

201. Ray's on TV

Aired September 22, 1997

After Ray is a guest on a TV sports program, he is upset to learn his family lied to him about his performance.

Quote from Marie

Marie: Ray, we told you, you were a good writer so that you would think you were a good writer, see? Then somebody gave you a job. That's what parents do. They all lie to their kids for their own good.
Ray: Other parents aren't lying, Ma. They believe in their children.
Marie: No, they don't.

Rate

Quote from Ray

Debra: Ally drew another picture of our family and she still says that these monsters aren't your parents.
Ray: All right. So maybe they're not.
Debra: Ray, this one is bald, and this one's carrying a covered dish.
Ray: You know what? Save that. Someday a therapist may want to see it.

Quote from Marie

Frank: Listen, you got bigger problems than your little words there.
Ray: Like what?
Frank: Like scratching the microphone. Nobody could hear what the hell was going on!
Marie: Well, at least... At least the scratching kept him from waving his hands around like he was landing planes.
Frank: The microphone was much worse.
Marie: No.
Frank: It seemed like he'd never been on television before.
Marie: He's never been on television, but he's had his hands his whole life.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Okay, it's just maybe before the next show, you could just practice a few words you kind of had just a little bit of trouble saying.
Ray: Like what? What are you talking about?
Debra: No, don't get so excited. This is not a big deal.
Ray: Well, come on, I'm going to be on television.
Debra: Okay, look. Asterisk. You were talking about some record that had an asterisk next to it.
Ray: Yeah, yeah.
Debra: Yeah. Asterisk.
Ray: Well, come on. Asterix. Asterix. Oh, I said "asterix" on television!

Quote from Ray

Roy Firestone: And a brand-new face from Newsday, a fine columnist, Mr. Ray Barone. Good to see you, Ray.
Ray: Howdy.
Roy Firestone: Our subject tonight: athletes and steroids. As you might know, there's an increasing use of steroids among amateur athletes. Ray, you wrote a very interesting piece about that.
Ray: [clears throat] Yes, I did, Roy. [silence]
Kevin: Why don't you tell us about that, Ray?
Ray: It's a growing problem. It's a growing problem. Steroids. Right. I'd say it's even gotten to be a bit of a...
James Worthy: Epidemic?
Ray: No, it's not an epidemic. It's out of control. It's kinda like a... a epidemic.
James Worthy: Epidemic, yeah, that's right.

Quote from Marie

Frank: Here's James Worthy listening to you talk.
Ray: You took pictures of me on the television?
Frank: Sure. How often is my son on the tube?
Robert: I was on when we busted John Gotti.
Marie: Yes, but you didn't have any lines, dear.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Listen, Ally drew a picture of our family and she wants to put it on the fridge.
Ray: Yeah, so?
Debra: Well, look at it. There's Ally and the twins, and there's you and me and look at your parents.
Ray: Oh, she made them giants.
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: With sharp teeth and claws.
Debra: Yeah, and they're attacking our house.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What they did was they took a group of Olympic athletes and they axed them if using steroids would guarantee you a gold medal but would also kill you in five years, would you still do it? 64% of them said yes.
James Worthy: Wow.
Roy Firestone: Really?
Kevin: That's alarming.
Roy Firestone: I really enjoyed the piece. A terrific piece. You did a great job-
Ray: Oh, thanks. Thanks, Roy. When a program succeeds like that a lot of that stuff just gets swept right under the rug.
Roy Firestone: Right.
Ray: Yeah. Yeah. And what's going to happen is that it's later that these kids are going to realize that they've made a horrible mistake, you know. They don't realize it at first but what happens is, [scratches microphone] you know, they're sacrificing what once, you know, was the ideal. The ideal to achieve the American dream.

Quote from Debra

Debra: You know what? It'd be easier if you just break it into two parts. Aster, risk.
Ray: Aster, risk.
Debra: Asterisk.
Ray: Asterix. Oh!
Debra: You know, Ray, nobody even cares. Next time that word comes up, maybe just say little star.

Quote from Ray

Ray: What else? What other words?
Debra: Well, you're asking me, right?
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: You're asking me.
Ray: Yeah. What are you doing? I'm axing you. Oh!
Debra: Yeah, ask. Sometimes you say.
Ray: Ax. Ax, oh, man!
Debra: No, honey, come on. You just got to practice those words. Just practice those words.
Ray: Why didn't you tell me this? You should've told me the first time I axed you something.

Quote from Ray

Debra: I never thought you were going to be on television. You know what we could do? Let's put them all in a sentence. Say: "l asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon."
Ray: Cinnamom. Cinnamom! Cinnamom! Oh, my God, I'm a monkey. Did I say cinnamom on the show?
Debra: No, it's just a good thing to know for when we're at the lHOP. Come on, "l asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon."
Ray: I asked you.
Debra: Good.
Ray: to put the asterisk with the cinnamom. Cinna... All right, you know what? No more lHOP.

Quote from Ray

Debra: Ray, it's just those couple of words, that's all. You were really... You were great.
Ray: You told me. I believed you.
Debra: No, really, honey, you were terrific.
Ray: Oh, don't. Sorry I axed.

Quote from Frank

Ray: I did that?
Frank: Yeah. Now that you mention it, your voice was kind of monotonous.
Ray: I didn't mention that.
Marie: You tended to drone on and on, dear.
Frank: It was very off-putting.
Ray: Oh, my God!
Frank: You see? Like that. Most people would say, "My God!" You got to try and make your voice go up and down more. High and low. I would absolutely love a nice dill pickle. Pickle, Marie.

Quote from Frank

Ray: Okay, so let me get this straight, Dad. Everything you said after the show last night was a lie and behind my back, you've been talking about how bad I was. You think I stunk. You think I stunk!
Marie: What difference does it make what we think? They asked you back!
Frank: But keep in mind the things we told you because I got to see people during the day.
Marie: Oh, my God. The supermarket.
Ray: You lie to me. You lie to me, and you do it so well! How long has this been going on?
Frank: Three weeks.

Quote from Robert

Robert: What's going on?
Ray: You know, they've been lying to us our whole lives. Every time they ever tried to make us feel good about ourselves.
Robert: When did that happen to me?
Marie: Oh, honey, I'm sure we lied to you plenty of times.
Ray: You got to get your own place, man.
Marie: Don't be silly. We love having you here.
Robert: Oh, my God!

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode