Ray: Listen, the reason I called the paper...
Robert: The reason, Raymond? I think I know the reason. It's called self-promotion.
Ray: What? No.
Robert: What's the matter, Raymond, huh? Sports section isn't enough anymore?
Ray: Oh, come on.
Robert: You have to be all over the paper. Why don't you hop on the subway, make the travel section?
Ray: All right. Come on.
Robert: How about the food section: "Newsday's own Ray Barone enjoys salami sandwich." I'll tell you what.
I'll give you change for $1. You can make the financial pages: "Ray Barone converts paper into coin."
Ray: Are you through?
Robert: Yes. Unless you're gonna be changing your clothes today. Fashion pages!

Debra: Ray, what time is it?
Ray: Huh?
Debra: What are you doing? Why are you lying there like that? Take your clothes off.
Ray: Oh, I'm not in the mood.
Debra: What are you talking about? How was the ride-along?
Ray: It was very boring. Followed by a short period of terrifying.

Ray: Why are you doing that to him?
Frank: Do what?
Ray: You act like it's nothing, what he does. He stopped an armed robbery last night. I didn't do anything. I had to throw up.
Marie: You threw up? You should have some dry toast.
Ray: Will you stop? Robert's the one you should be worried about. Are you listening to me, Ma? He's the one who's out there every day. He's the one who's risking his life.
Marie: I know what he does! I don't need to think about it.
Ray: Okay. I just wanted you to know.
Frank: Enough! Your mother doesn't like to think about it. Now you made me forget. What is it, oatmeal or eggs, Marie? Let's go!

Marie: Frank, what are you doing? Close the refrigerator. Put that on a plate.
Frank: I don't want a plate. I just want a couple of bites.
Marie: That's disgusting, sticking your fork in there. Now nobody else can eat it.
Frank: That's all it takes? This fork was in the ice cream, too.
Marie: [to Ray] Hi, dear. You hungry? I'm sorry, I can't offer you lasagna or ice cream.
Frank: Or chocolate cake.
Marie: He's like an animal, marking his territory. [Frank grabs Marie's behind] Hey!
Frank: Come on. That was a compliment.
Ray: God, I wish this was the wrong house.

Marie: Raymond, don't.
Ray: I'm going, I'm going. Relax.
Marie: Robbie, don't. All right, then. Why only Raymond? Take Debra and the kids, too. That way I'll lose my whole family in one night. [points to Frank] At least take him.

Ray: [to Robert] Sergeant? They call you sergeant?
Sergeant Judy: That's his rank. Sit back.
Ray: Sergeant. Do they know you lick your Q-Tips before you stick them in your ears?
Robert: Raymond.
Robert: [over radio] I copy the 10-10. Open warehouse door, checked out okay.
Ray: Open door, yeah. Nobody even broke in. Good thing I'm wearing the vest. It could've been drafty.
Robert: [over radio] We better drive by later. If it's open again we'll call in a K9 car and send in the bow-wow. That's a police dog.
Ray: Oh, Bow-wow's a police dog? How do you crack that code?
Sergeant Judy: That ain't funny. And you don't talk while we're on the radio. Now sit back.

Robert: I told you, Raymond. It's important that you not interfere with police business.
Ray: Well, what police business? We've been driving around for three hours. I saw more action on my paper route.
Robert: All right.
Ray: Hey, maybe later we can climb a tree and save a meow-meow.
Robert: That's enough, Raymond.
Sergeant Judy: I'm starting to see what you mean about your little brother.
Robert: Yeah. See what I'm saying?
Ray: What? What does he say?
Sergeant Judy: Sit back! I'm not gonna tell you again!
Ray: You just lost your tip. There's nothing to do. I'm bored back here. At least run the siren a little. This vest is a little smelly. Hey, if you wash these with regular clothes, do they become bulletproof? [Sergeant Judy hits the roof of the car with her night stick] Okay, okay.

Robert: Sit down, Raymond. Sit down. I wanna talk to you.
Ray: All right. But I have a right to a ginger ale. You know that.
Robert: Just stop it, okay? I'm sorry this is such a slow night for you.
Ray: No, no, no. There was that open door.
Robert: Enough, Raymond. Okay? A slow night for you is a good night for me. Do you understand? You have no idea what this job entails. And your attitude is an insult to me, my partner, and every other cop on the force.
Ray: Oh, Relax, Robert. I'm joking here, that's all.
Robert: Yeah, right. They're just little jokes, right? I'm one big joke to you. My height, my little quirks, the year I had an Afro.
Ray: Now, come on. That was funny.
Robert: It was the style then, man.

Debra: Honey, what are you doing?
Ally: Cutting Molly's hair.
Debra: No, sweetie, if you cut a dolI's hair it doesn't grow back. Only people hair grows back.
Ally: Oh. Geoffrey!
Debra: No. Sweetie, that's okay. Cut the doll's hair. Here. See? You missed a spot.

Frank: Why are people talking? It's 8:00 in the morning. No talking before 9:00.