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‘Standard Deviation’ Quotes

Everybody Loves Raymond: Standard Deviation

104. Standard Deviation

Aired October 4, 1996

Robert causes friction between Ray and Debra after giving them IQ tests for a criminal psych project.

Quote from Marie

Robert: All right. Raymond, you got 100.
Ray: Ah, a 100.
Marie: Oh, a perfect score! That's my Raymond. Thank God you got your mother's brains.
Robert: 100 is average.
Marie: Average? [to Frank] He got that from you.

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Quote from Debra

Linda: Why is Ray so depressed? It was just a test.
Debra: Well, I guess seeing in black and white that I'm smarter just blew out his self-esteem. I mean, I'm trying to make him feel better, but nothing works.
Linda: Oh, come on. You had to know you were smarter.
Debra: Oh, of course. But I still feel guilty.

Quote from Ray

Debra: You know what? I have been holding this in all day: There is no way that you are smarter than me.
Ray: Smarter than I.
Debra: All right, what's the name of the 18th-century poet who wrote A Modest Proposal, huh? Huh?
Ray: Oh, yeah? What's the name of the Twilight Zone where the astronauts meet the giant lady?
Debra: Okay, who's the first woman to win a Nobel Prize?
Ray: How much does Mickey Rooney weigh on the moon?
Debra: What's a petit four?
Ray: What's a wedgie?
Debra: When you first met me, was my hair long or short?
Ray: I know one thing for sure. It was blonde. Oh, that wasn't you. Well, I broke up with her then to go out with you. I'll just sleep on the couch.

Quote from Robert

Ray: What are you telling- You made up the scores?
Robert: Yeah.
Debra: And then you switched them around to see what would happen to us.
Robert: Yeah. Did you turn on each other?
Debra: Robert, we've been fighting for three days! I got to get that down. I got to write a five-page paper.
Ray: I had to sleep on the couch last night.
Robert: That's good. I can't believe this worked.
Ray: You know, Robert, you can't do this to people.
Robert: Okay, wait, a little slower.
Ray: Wait, wait a minute. Let me get this straight. So I'm not smarter than her?
Robert: I'd be very surprised.

Quote from Debra

Debra: Well, all three kids are down. Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty I am free at last. Now it's going to be all about me. Me, me, me. How's it going, Fluffy?
Ray: Come on, what is this health insurance? Matching the doctor bills to the worksheets. Who paid who, what, when. No, this has to be woman's work.
Debra: Oh, great. Well, I'll just do some men's work: Watch a little TV and scratch myself.

Quote from Frank

Marie: Oh, you see? They're not afraid of taking the test.
Frank: I don't want my brain measured. It's gotten me this far.
Marie: For some reason, your father has something to hide.
Frank: I don't believe in tests. All they do is deal with book smarts. They don't measure street smarts.
Marie: And you're street-smart?
Frank: I am very street-smart.
Marie: [laughs] Did I ever tell you about the time he bought seafood out of the back of a derelict's car?
Frank: He was legit.
Marie: Oh. Oh, he had the prices tattooed on his body.
Frank: One bad mussel in a whole bucket.
Marie: I threw up for three weeks so you could save 79 cents?
Frank: They were delicious. You could taste the ocean.
Marie: I'm still tasting it.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Oh, no.
Debra: What is it?
Ray: I was daydreaming and now I can't remember if I shampooed my hair or not.
Debra: So? Do it again.
Ray: I can't because if I washed already and do it again, my hair is gonna be too fluffy.
Debra: So don't do it again.
Ray: Well, what if I didn't do it? Then it's gonna be too oily. [off Debra's look] What? This is important.
Debra: Oh, yeah, it's a real crisis. You want me to call in sick for you today, Ray?
Ray: Oh, I'm weird? How about the time you didn't want to go outside because you thought your haircut made your butt look fat? I'm the weird one?
[After Debra turns the tap and sneaks out of the bathroom, Ray screams and falls out of the shower.]

Quote from Ray

Ray: Look at this. I can't make that number out. That could be an "i," could be a "4." This will have to wait until tomorrow. What's on, honey?
Debra: Come on. You haven't worked on that at all.
Ray: You're missing the point. The point is I will rub your feet.
Debra: You've got to get this done.
Ray: With lotions. Come on. I'm not even a foot person. In fact, the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick.
Debra: Just shut up and rub. That's tickling! [laughs] Stop, that's tickling!

Quote from Robert

Robert: [enters] Glad you're not busy.
Ray: What makes you think we're not busy, Robert?
Robert: I saw you through the window.
Debra: You were looking?
Robert: Well, I'm a cop. It's my training.
Ray: You know, Robert, it may look like we're not busy, but... Get out.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I need you to take an IQ test. [makes weird gesture]
Ray: What?
Robert: An IQ test. [repeats weird gesture] I'm taking a Criminal Psychology class to make Lieutenant and I have to learn how to give an IQ test. [again]
Ray: I think he wants me to steal third.
Robert: Have I ever asked you for anything, Raymond?
Ray: All right, you gotta get out of Mom's house.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Thank you so much. This really means a lot to me.
Ray: All right, but listen, we're not gonna-
Robert: There's no talking! I'll be testing you one-on-one for each section. Now, this is very important. I have to treat you both the same. I'm not supposed to chitchat. And I gotta be stone-faced.
Ray: There's a stretch.
Robert: Again, no talking!
Debra: So where do you wanna do this, Robert?
Robert: I thought we could start with you in the basement, if that's all right with you, Debra.
Ray: How come you didn't snap-
Robert: No talking!

Quote from Debra

Ray: Hey, wait a minute. How did it go?
Robert: Well, I believe I administered and evaluated the test correctly. And I feel I did pretty good. Good night.
Ray: Well, who cares about you? Tell us the scores.
Debra: It's not about us, Ray. Robert, just placate him. Tell him the scores.
Marie: [to Frank] Placate: To appease, to make feel better.
Robert: The scores aren't really important.
Debra: I know that, but your brother seems-
Robert: Yeah, but I'm not supposed-
Debra: Tell us the scores! I'm just curious.

Quote from Robert

Debra: What did I get?
Robert: You scored 115.
Debra: Yes! [giggles] Well, that's close.
Robert: I'm sorry. You're not close. Fifteen points is one standard deviation.
Marie: Oh.
Ray: What's that? That means that between the two of you, well, Debra's in a whole higher class of brains.
Frank: Holy crap!
Robert: Good night.

Quote from Frank

Debra: Well, I mean, they're just, you know, test scores. It was really about Robert learning to give the test.
Ray: I didn't know he was going to learn that you're smart and I'm an idiot.
Debra: There's more than one kind of intelligence, Ray.
Frank: That's right. There's street smarts.

Quote from Ray

Linda: Are you ready for this? Don't fall out of your chairs. Our store is on the Internet.
Debra: No.
Bernie: Yeah, you just point your browser to www.Bernie.com and there I am straddling a Jet Ski.
Linda: He looks so cute in his Speedo.
Bernie: I'm sorry, Ray. I'm sure Debra knows all about the Internet but let's talk about something we can all understand. Pizza hot. [laughs]
Debra: Oh.
Ray: Yeah, have your fun.
Debra: Leave him alone, Bernie. He didn't tell you about the test so you could use it against him.
Bernie: You know nothing about friendship.

Quote from Ray

Bernie: You okay?
Ray: Are they looking?
Bernie: No. Why?
Ray: Come here. [Bernie sits next to Ray] You have gotta take this test.
Bernie: What are you talking about?
Ray: I'm talking... She feels so bad for me, I got it made. She's getting lemon in my soda. I can't do anything. She's doing everything for me. Including...
Bernie: No!
Ray: Yes! You know, when the results came in, at first I was upset because I was stupid. Now, this is the greatest thing that ever happened.
Bernie: I gotta take this test. I just hope I'm stupid enough.
Ray: Don't worry.

Quote from Debra

Debra: I was thinking, that health insurance has to be in tomorrow. Did you finish it yet?
Ray: Health insurance? You know, I want to. I want to. But I've just been, you know so down. Maybe you should-
Debra: What?
Ray: Well, this is very important, and I don't think we should trust it to somebody like me. [eats ice cream] "Mmm, fudgy."
Debra: All right. That is it. You know, at first, I felt bad because you were so depressed. But now I think you're really milking it here.
Ray: What do you mean?
Debra: Oh, what, you don't think I see through this?
Ray: What do you mean?
Debra: I don't believe you, Ray. Making me feel guilty, you little weasel.
Ray: Oh, I'm depressed again.
Debra: Listen, do the health insurance, you big fake. "Mmm, Fudgy!" Give me that. [takes ice cream]
Ray: You know, I read that the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter.
Debra: Guess who wrote that? Get the door. It's that big wooden thing with the knob that's not your head.

Quote from Ray

Robert: Everything all right? I thought I saw an argument.
Ray: Stop stalking us.
Robert: This wouldn't be about the... Would it?
Ray: No.
Debra: Yeah, we don't care about that.
Robert: Oh, good, because I want you to know that I think I might have made a mistake with your test result. Jumbled them.
Ray: What- What do you mean?
Robert: Well, Raymond, you were the one who scored one standard deviation higher than Debra.
Debra: What?
Robert: Good night. [exits]
Ray: Well, now it's a happy marriage. [Debra slams the ice cream in Ray's crotch] Fudgy.

Quote from Ray

Debra: You had to tell your mother that you're the smarter one.
Ray: She's my mother. If I can't tell her, who can I tell?
Debra: You told Linda.
Ray: Absolutely not. I would never tell Linda.
Debra: Then you told Bernie.
Ray: Well, who knew he'd talk to his wife?

Quote from Ray

Ray: It was short. It was short. I remember it was curly because it was raining out. And it was lighter than it is now but I remember, it was short.
Debra: Oh, Ray. No.
Ray: I took a shot.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Well, those weren't your real scores.
Debra: What?
Ray: Well, whose scores were they?
Robert: Well, I had to set you up. Hey, Pop-Tart. [eats]
Debra: You set us up?
Robert: I had to do it for the credit. I mean, I couldn't tell you about it because that was part of the class. And then, you know, I wouldn't get the credit.
Debra: We were for credit.
Robert: See, the real test was about human behavior. Like how a suspect would act if you messed with his self-image.
Ray: We're not suspects.
Robert: Of course not. [takes out notepad] I'm gonna have to ask you a couple of questions.

Quote from Robert

Marie: [enters] Good morning.
Ray: Ma, what's the matter?
Marie: We took the test.
Debra: What happened?
[Frank enters wearing an "I'm with stupid" sweatshirt]
Robert: Listen, Mom, Dad, about the test results. I think I may have jumbled them. Yeah, maybe made a mistake with the columns. We should talk about it over at the house. I think I mixed them. I don't know what I did. [to Ray and Debra] Extra credit.


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