J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!

Janitor: The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
J.D.: Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, I was making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the thing I can do is to think of someone I look up to, and remember how they got through to me.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall on which you're leaning. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know. Here it's a conundrum.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!

Elliot: What are you doing in here!?
Janitor: It's the men's room.
Elliot: I know! I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and then tried them, and found them oddly comfortable...
Janitor: I'm just gonna replace these, uh, urinal cakes, and then, uh, I'll go.
Elliot: Why can't I just grow up? Why can't I be stronger? Janitor? Have you ever looked at yourself and wished that you were different in every single way?
Janitor: No. I'm a winner. But, I will tell you something that my grandmother told me when I was a kid, even though at the time I thought she was my mother. She said: "Time spent wishing is time wasted." Now, she died shortly after that. And my sister, who actually was my mother, she never got over it. Neither did my brother-dad. But the point is this: If you want to be different, then be different!

Carla: Turk, don't eat off my plate.
Turk: You're right, baby. I'm sorry. That's rude. [takes the steak]
Carla: So you're having steak with a side of steak?
Turk: That's right, turf and turf.