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29Quotes from ‘My Philosophy’

Scrubs: My Philosophy

213. My Philosophy

Aired January 16, 2003

J.D. and Dr. Cox treat a frequent patient, Elaine, who's stuck on the waiting list for a heart transplant. Elliot complains about the unisex changing rooms. Meanwhile, Turk decides to pop the question to Carla.

Quote from Turk

Turk: All right, Ralphie, new tack. I want you to do what I do. I want you to imagine that there are tiny men inside your booty, trying to push the dookie. Push the dookie out, Ralphie. Can you imagine that for me?
[later:]
Man: You told my son there were little men inside him? He barely sleeps as it is.
Turk: Sir, I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Man: That was sick.
Turk: But still, if you could do this for me, I would greatly appreciate it. The next time your son has a bowel movement, take the dookie, put it in a Ziplock bag, and just call me on my cell phone. It's for my girlfriend. Hey, Ralphie. Little men, pushing it out, pushing it out.

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Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Thanks for the pen.
J.D.: Oh, no.
Janitor: Yeah, this was my favorite T-shirt. And this is my favorite skin.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, are you off for the day?
Elliot: Oh, I just didn't have a place to change.
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I'm going to pretend you're not wearing that.
Nurse Roberts: Don't you usually wait to get home before you do that?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess sometimes my theory about life and death balancing each other out in the hospital doesn't hold true. I guess sometimes you get lucky.
J.D.: What's going on?
Nurse Roberts: She's coding.
[fantasy, all singing:]
Elaine: Any minute now My ship is coming in I'll keep checking the horizon I'll stand on the bow Feel the waves come crashing
Turk: Come crashing down Down, down on me
Janitor: And you say, be still, my love
Carla: Open up your heart Let the light shine in
Dr. Kelso, Ted & Dr. Mitchell: Don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Elaine: My real life to begin
All: Oh, don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Elaine: On a clear day I can see See See See See a very long way.
[reality:]
Dr. Cox: She's gone. You'll be OK?
J.D.: Yeah.

Quote from J.D.

Elaine: You know, it always feels so weird to be sitting around, hoping someone's family pulls them off life support.
J.D.: I honestly believe in hospitals there's like this balance, you know? It's like when one person dies, another person gets a chance to live. I like to call it the Circle of Life.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God, you must stop watching The Lion King.
J.D.: I like that baby lion cub. What's his name?
Dr. Cox: Simba.
J.D.: Trick question! You like it too.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: That Mrs, Larkin's an aggressive lady. She won't even let her husband finish a sen-
Dr. Cox: Oh, shut the hell up, would you, please? At least she's ballsy. Unlike that husband, who's the overly thoughtful, sensitive type that drives me crazy. What?
J.D.: I think the Larkins complement each other. They're a good team. Kinda remind me of us.
Dr. Cox: Roseanne, now granted, I was, as usual, only half listening to you, but I get the sinking feeling you just compared us to a married couple. I know, I know, a girl can dream. But this is never gonna happen.

Quote from J.D.

Elaine: I'm not afraid of death. I mean, if I got a heart, that would be great. Still, if they told me it was never gonna happen, I think that'd be OK, too. It's the waiting I can't take. I just wanna know one way or the other, you know?
Dr. Cox: I got an idea. Why don't we switch to a cheerier subject?
J.D.: What do you think death is like?
Elaine: I really hope it's like a big Broadway musical. Everyone's all dressed up, and singing to the rafters, and you go out with a real flourish.
J.D.: I think it's like a game of dodgeball. There's a lot of chaos and screaming. And eventually, you get your glasses snapped in half by the big kid who already has underarm hair. But then you wake up in the hot nurse's office, and when she leans in to put that bandage on your nose, you get a sense something could happen if you took a chance and buried your face in her knockers.
Dr. Cox: Holy cow, I'm so sorry. I guess, for my part, I think death is a lot like that story, quite frankly, but if there is a God, it'll be a lot quicker and half as painful.
Elaine: It's fun to annoy him.
J.D.: It's what I do.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I am not leaving here until I get an answer.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, there are lots of people who think the hospital would be a better place if we made some changes. Take Ted, for instance.
Ted: I feel I'd be more productive if my phone dialed out.
Dr. Kelso: This hospital has always had a co-ed locker room. Ah, back when I was a resident, I remember, blah-blah-blah, nostalgic story. Now, get the hell out of my office. Not you, Ted. [Elliot leaves] Ted, get the hell out of my office.
Ted: Okay. Yeah.

Quote from Ted

Elliot: Plus, according to county statute, all medical facilities are required to provide single-sex bathrooms and changing rooms. Put that in your suggestion box and smoke it.
Dr. Kelso: Dammit! Where'd she learn all that legal mumbo-jumbo?
Ted: [whistles badly]
Dr. Kelso: What are you doing, Ted?
Ted: I'm trying to whistle. You know, so you wouldn't think it was me.

Quote from Ted

Ted: So I hear they're making that office into the ladies' locker room?
Dr. Kelso: Yes, Ted.
Ted: Bummer. Hey, maybe, whoever's over here might not stay there forever.
[later:]
Dr. Mitchell: Well, I'm doing a research fellowship, so I'll be anywhere from 15 to 25 years.
Ted: That's a long time.
Dr. Mitchell: Yeah!
Ted: [to Dr. Kelso] You'll probably be dead.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Carla: So, anyway, Laverne, I have to fly out late for the funeral tonight. I'm gonna need your help covering my shifts.
Nurse Roberts: Anything for you, honey.
Carla: Thanks, Mama.
J.D.: Hey, Laverne, can I borrow a nickel so I can get a soda?
Nurse Roberts: Sorry, this window's closed.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: The thing is pregnancy puts such an extra strain on your heart that, had we known about this beforehand, we would've strongly suggested you think twice about getting pregnant before getting the valve repaired.
Mrs. Larkin: I would've done it anyways.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you would've. You've got a healthy supply of pluck, don't you?
Mr. Larkin: I can't breathe.
Mrs. Larkin: You're OK. Let's do this.
Dr. Cox: I love the pluck.

Quote from Turk

Turk: You've had six bran muffins, Ralphie. How is it that you don't have to go yet?

Quote from J.D.

Mr. Larkin: So you're telling me if we don't deliver the baby now, my wife could die, and if we do, our child probably won't live.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes, as a doctor, I wish my life was more like my favorite TV show.
[fantasy:]
J.D.: Oh, come on, death isn't that bad, especially if you're dying from laughter. You're on Candid Camera.
Mr. Larkin: No, I'm not! Honey, no!
Dr. Cox: I'll give you "Honey, no." Come out.
Mr. Larkin: Where are the cameras?
J.D.: We gotcha. There's a camera there. There. And there.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Let's face it, most days start like any other. But some days...
Turk: Well?
J.D.: It's beautiful. But my parents will kill me if I marry a black guy. [laughs]

Quote from Todd

Todd: [signaling to his crotch] Have you two met?
Elliot: Todd, you're overcompensating, you're gay, and you need to be OK with it.
Todd: Oh, yeah? If I'm gay, how come I work out so much?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Ted, Dr. Koppleman has notified me that he will be vacating the office next to mine. His deteriorating health has made it impossible for him to continue with us.
Ted: Oh, dear, should we send him a card?
Dr. Kelso: Absolutely. See if you can find one that says, "Crippling arthritis or not, I want you out of my hospital by sundown so I can knock down your wall and make myself a giant office."
Ted: You're a wonderful man.
Dr. Kelso: You know, Ted, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but a man's office is a reflection of who he is, don't you think?
Ted: [water leaks] Yeah.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Can I borrow a pen?
J.D.: Here. Take this one.
Janitor: Thanks.
J.D.: See? We don't always have to be like [bickering voices]. We can be, like, "Hey, how you doing?" "Good, thanks." This can work. We can be there for each other.
Janitor: It's just a pen, Scooter, not a kidney. Thanks.
J.D.: No. You keep it.
Janitor: Really? Makes me look smarter. Heh. Off to scrub the crappers.


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