213. My Philosophy
Aired January 16, 2003
J.D. and Dr. Cox treat a frequent patient, Elaine, who's stuck on the waiting list for a heart transplant. Elliot complains about the unisex changing rooms. Meanwhile, Turk decides to pop the question to Carla.
Quote from Turk
Turk: All right, Ralphie, new tack. I want you to do what I do. I want you to imagine that there are tiny men inside your booty, trying to push the dookie. Push the dookie out, Ralphie. Can you imagine that for me?
Man: You told my son there were little men inside him? He barely sleeps as it is.
Turk: Sir, I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Man: That was sick.
Turk: But still, if you could do this for me, I would greatly appreciate it. The next time your son has a bowel movement, take the dookie, put it in a Ziplock bag, and just call me on my cell phone. It's for my girlfriend. Hey, Ralphie. Little men, pushing it out, pushing it out.
Quote from Janitor
Janitor: Thanks for the pen.
J.D.: Oh, no.
Janitor: Yeah, this was my favorite T-shirt. And this is my favorite skin.
Quote from Nurse Roberts
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, are you off for the day?
Elliot: Oh, I just didn't have a place to change.
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I'm going to pretend you're not wearing that.
Nurse Roberts: Don't you usually wait to get home before you do that?
Quote from J.D.
Elaine: You know, it always feels so weird to be sitting around, hoping someone's family pulls them off life support.
J.D.: I honestly believe in hospitals there's like this balance, you know? It's like when one person dies, another person gets a chance to live. I like to call it the Circle of Life.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God, you must stop watching The Lion King.
J.D.: I like that baby lion cub. What's his name?
Dr. Cox: Simba.
J.D.: Trick question! You like it too.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] I guess sometimes my theory about life and death balancing each other out in the hospital doesn't hold true. I guess sometimes you get lucky.
J.D.: What's going on?
Nurse Roberts: She's coding.
[fantasy, all singing:]
Elaine: Any minute now My ship is coming in I'll keep checking the horizon I'll stand on the bow Feel the waves come crashing
Turk: Come crashing down Down, down on me
Janitor: And you say, be still, my love
Carla: Open up your heart Let the light shine in
Dr. Kelso, Ted & Dr. Mitchell: Don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Elaine: My real life to begin
All: Oh, don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Elaine: On a clear day I can see See See See See a very long way.
Dr. Cox: She's gone. You'll be OK?
Quote from Dr. Cox
J.D.: That Mrs, Larkin's an aggressive lady. She won't even let her husband finish a sen-
Dr. Cox: Oh, shut the hell up, would you, please? At least she's ballsy. Unlike that husband, who's the overly thoughtful, sensitive type that drives me crazy. What?
J.D.: I think the Larkins complement each other. They're a good team. Kinda remind me of us.
Dr. Cox: Roseanne, now granted, I was, as usual, only half listening to you, but I get the sinking feeling you just compared us to a married couple. I know, I know, a girl can dream. But this is never gonna happen.
Quote from J.D.
Elaine: I'm not afraid of death. I mean, if I got a heart, that would be great. Still, if they told me it was never gonna happen, I think that'd be OK, too. It's the waiting I can't take. I just wanna know one way or the other, you know?
Dr. Cox: I got an idea. Why don't we switch to a cheerier subject?
J.D.: What do you think death is like?
Elaine: I really hope it's like a big Broadway musical. Everyone's all dressed up, and singing to the rafters, and you go out with a real flourish.
J.D.: I think it's like a game of dodgeball. There's a lot of chaos and screaming. And eventually, you get your glasses snapped in half by the big kid who already has underarm hair. But then you wake up in the hot nurse's office, and when she leans in to put that bandage on your nose, you get a sense something could happen if you took a chance and buried your face in her knockers.
Dr. Cox: Holy cow, I'm so sorry. I guess, for my part, I think death is a lot like that story, quite frankly, but if there is a God, it'll be a lot quicker and half as painful.
Elaine: It's fun to annoy him.
J.D.: It's what I do.
Quote from Nurse Roberts
Carla: So, anyway, Laverne, I have to fly out late for the funeral tonight. I'm gonna need your help covering my shifts.
Nurse Roberts: Anything for you, honey.
Carla: Thanks, Mama.
J.D.: Hey, Laverne, can I borrow a nickel so I can get a soda?
Nurse Roberts: Sorry, this window's closed.
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I am not leaving here until I get an answer.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, there are lots of people who think the hospital would be a better place if we made some changes. Take Ted, for instance.
Ted: I feel I'd be more productive if my phone dialed out.
Dr. Kelso: This hospital has always had a co-ed locker room. Ah, back when I was a resident, I remember, blah-blah-blah, nostalgic story. Now, get the hell out of my office. Not you, Ted. [Elliot leaves] Ted, get the hell out of my office.
Ted: Okay. Yeah.
Quote from Ted
Elliot: Plus, according to county statute, all medical facilities are required to provide single-sex bathrooms and changing rooms. Put that in your suggestion box and smoke it.
Dr. Kelso: Dammit! Where'd she learn all that legal mumbo-jumbo?
Ted: [whistles badly]
Dr. Kelso: What are you doing, Ted?
Ted: I'm trying to whistle. You know, so you wouldn't think it was me.