Dr. Cox: Shower Shortz?
J.D.: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.

Dr. Cox: As a rule of thumb, I don't attend parties where the guest of honor has no idea what's going on.
Ben: That's not true. You remember when you and Jordan first got married, and we went to senile Grandpa Morty's 94th birthday party. Remember the one where he tried to get the coat check girl thrown out 'cause she was loyal to the Kaiser.
Dr. Cox: I appreciate your concern, but you don't understand.
Ben: What don't I understand?
Dr. Cox: Well, do you see all these people here? This is not some kind of senior citizens' slumber party. I mean, if it was, I'd have already put Mr. Fordham's hand in a bowl of warm water, but God bless him, he's gonna go ahead and wet the bed anyway. My, my point is, that if I'm not here, people die.
Ben: "If I'm not here people die." Listen, why don't you just let me take this little mental breakdown of yours and I'm gonna put it right here in my pocket and then that way you can piss off for the afternoon and you can let one of the 9,000 other doctors take care of things around here for you.
Dr. Cox: So you haven't noticed that my supporting cast in this Theater of Hell is a veritable who's who of incompetent puppets?

Ben: I'm glad you made it. Listen, there's one more thing you have to do for me.
Dr. Cox: You can't keep me from getting drunk.
Ben: You have to forgive yourself for everything that went down the other day.
Dr. Cox: God, you're, you're so annoying.
Ben: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: OK.
Ben: Good.
Dr. Cox: [to Ben] Hey, where's your camera? Aren't you gonna take some pictures?
J.D.: Pictures of what?
Dr. Cox: You know, crying babies covered in chocolate. People singing happy birthday to my son who've never met him before. You know, the whole routine.
J.D.: Where do you think we are?
[When Dr. Cox turns around, Ben is no longer there]

Carla: I hate him for doing this to me. I don't think he understands that "Espinosa" is more than a name to me. It's my heritage. It's also a candy bar in Ecuador. But mostly it's my heritage. I just don't wanna do this, Dr. Kelso, but I already agreed. What should I do?
Dr. Kelso: Well, Nurse Snickers, until now you've been white noise. But as you've forced me to respond, let me tell you a couple of things that only a few people know. I haven't paid my country club dues since '97, but I still tee off every Wednesday at 8:15 and take a bare ass steam when the last putt drops. But, more importantly, I really don't care about any of you or your problems, and you can confirm that with Ted.
Ted: Don't those Espinosas have nougat?

Dr. Kelso: You know my rule about personal problems. I'm not interested unless it involves my loved ones, or possibly my wife.

Carla: Sorry, sir. It's been an emotional couple of days.
Dr. Kelso: I'm just here to get a nasal speculum.
Carla: I just wish I didn't hate that mole so much.
Dr. Kelso: [sighs] I used one of these on my wife once. She's a terrible snorer. She used to keep me up all night. I made her have surgery but, of course, that just made things worse. But here's the twist. Now, whenever she goes out of town, I can't fall asleep without the sound of that gasping, wheezing woman lying right next to me. Trust me, if I ever met a Japan Air stewardess who snored like Enid, I'd marry her tomorrow. But here's the point. You might find out that thing you hate so much is the very same thing you miss when it's gone.
Carla: Thank you, sir.

Jordan: It's Jack's first birthday. I want it to special. I got a petting zoo for the kids. And we need to figure out something for the adults.
Dr. Cox: How about a Russian roulette booth? And, here's the kicker, we put bullets in all the chambers, that way everybody wins.

J.D.: Will there be a pinata? Because I need to know if I should bring my pinata helmet.
Jordan: Ha-bah-bah! Would you zip it, nerd. The only reason we invited you is because, for some reason, you have your own SpongeBob SquarePants costume.
J.D.: It was a gift.
J.D.: [v.o.] From me to me.

Danni: Hi, J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God. What do you say to a girl you dumped three weeks ago?
J.D.: I destroyed that videotape we made.
Danni: What tape?
[video: Danni playing golf and hitting J.D. in the nuts with the club:]
J.D.: [groans; stands up] Danni, if you don't act concerned, no one at America's Funniest Home Videos will think this is real.
Danni: Can we just go home and have sex?
J.D.: No! Again, from the top.
[present:]
J.D.: Now I'll never meet Bob Saget.

J.D.: So is their brother Ben coming to this thing, too?
Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah. He always has to make a grand entrance and then he just gets depressed afterwards.
J.D.: Why's that?
[Ben jumps down on to the roof of Dr. Cox's car]
J.D.: [screams]
Dr. Cox: Because he never surprises us.
Ben: Not even a little?
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: Thorns!
Ben: Ooh, bloody. That's good. Now, try and do it with your head in sort of a less jarring position.