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Scrubs: Their Story II

812. Their Story II

Aired March 25, 2009

As the new interns at Sacred Heart deal with their own problems, the regulars can't help getting in the way. J.D. gets a big head now that he's the person everyone counts on to bug Dr. Cox with problems. With Turk upset by J.D.'s attitude, his intern Derek just tries to avoid getting caught in the middle. Denise pushes Elliot to run an invasive test on a teenage patient. Meanwhile, the Janitor picks on two interns for messing with his cart. [Narrated by the interns.]

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Now that Dr. Cox was the Chief of Medicine, I had become the guy everyone counted on to fight for the things the hospital needed. Yep, I was the one person who would get him to say...
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: You need to hire a few more nurses.
Dr. Cox: Look, Tammy. We don't have the money. If you want to go out and raise the cash yourself, feel free. Maybe you could sell your eggs to a fertility clinic, or sell that beard of yours to the Ridiculous Museum. Better yet, you could make a list of all the people you drive insane and tell them that for a nominal fee, you'll never speak to them again. You, of course, offer them a monthly subscription at a reduced rate, just to reel them in. And then after a while of you not talking to them, people will forget just how annoying you are and they'll let their subscription run out. And, bang! That's when you show up at their house, and you drive them insane all over again by speaking to them. And here's the kicker. When everyone's trying to re-subscribe, you lay it on them that the price is now quadruple. And I'm predicting, and this is a low-end guesstimate, you're looking at about $100,000,000 a quarter, easy. You give the hospital a hundred thou, we hire a few nurses. But, until then, you go tell Carla it ain't happening.
J.D.: Wow. That was super fun.
Dr. Cox: Get out!

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Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] Plus, with my new role, people were treating me with a new found respect.
Janitor: I don't like how you're trying to make people treat you with a new found sense of respect.
J.D.: I'm not making people do anything.
Janitor: How else do you explain it? Did you hypnotize them? Are you trying to hypnotize me? 'cause that's not gonna work. I'm already hypnotized. Fifteen years ago, I'm in Vegas, I volunteer to be part of this guy's act. Half way through the show, fire alarm goes off and I never get snapped out. There's some word out there floating around like an on/off switch for me that if I ever hear it, I'll just go completely unconscious.
J.D.: Is it "sassafras"?
Janitor: It is "sassafras", you're right. It's amazing, of all the words in the English language-
J.D.: Boondoggle. [the Janitor drops his head] Yes! That was it?
Janitor: You're such an ass. Here's your warning. If you start walking around here like you're the big cheese, I'm gonna have to punish you, okay?

Quote from Elliot

Denise: [v.o.] Still, Dr. Reid has been super-supportive. Toss her a compliment as a thank you.
Denise: Even though that dress is totally inappropriate for a doctor, you are so rocking it.
Elliot: That's awesome because I actually have a policy that if I don't get three compliments the first time I wear it, I have to return it. Now, I've got you, J.D. He said this morning that I looked "scrumpdelicious". Yeah, he actually does talk like that. The meth addict from this morning said he want to eat my eyeballs, which I'm counting because the dress really make them pop.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Relax people. Remote control. A patient once complained that his room wasn't clean, so I stole the motor from his wheelchair. What are you guys doing?
Howie: I'm using a mint.
Janitor: Those aren't mints. Those are highly concentrated mini urinal cakes. Patent pending.
Howie: They're good.
Janitor: Not a huge selling point for urinal cakes, but thank you. Say, glasses. Who told you you could touch my cart?

Quote from Janitor

[Sunny throws a tomato from Denise's tray at the Janitor]
Katie: The hell are you doing?
Sunny: He won't do anything to me. He thinks I'm too weak.
Janitor: You know, you shouldn't throw produce, it's very dangerous. I had a cousin that was killed by a head of lettuce. It's a true story. Well, actually not the head of lettuce so much as the pack of sewer rabbits that he stole it from.

Quote from Todd

Turk: Alright, guys. I'm gonna introduce you to a new intern now. This is Derek Hill.
Todd: "Welcome to the team" five.
Turk: [to Derek] Always use your non-cutting hand.
Derek: [groans]
Turk: Told you. Guys, if I could have a second to-
Todd: Hey, hey! "Quiet down" five.
Turk: Thank you, Todd.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: I am so mad at you.
J.D.: [v.o.] He must have found out I tracked down the testicle he had removed and turned it to a tiny disco ball. Wait a second. You dreamed that, you're fine.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Listen to me.You are the man around here now. You gotta get your strut on. You know what I'm saying?
[fantasy: J.D. and Turk enter the hospital dressed like pimps:]
Turk: Haven't you had this fantasy before?
J.D.: Yeah. Except I've been working out. So this time, I get to be shirtless.
Turk: What's that?
J.D.: What's what?
Turk: Did you make a disco ball out of my testicle?
J.D.: [slapping his face] Get out of the fantasy! Get out of the fantasy!
Turk: Hell no! [strangles J.D.]
[reality:]
J.D.: [v.o.] That was close.
Turk: Get your strut on!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Behold, King Cheese. I warned you about this. And now, my liege, I'm afraid it's time for your punishment.
J.D.: Let me just put down my popsicle. [the Janitor drops his head] Fifteen years and no one said "popsicle"?
Janitor: [lifts his head] Okay. Let's do this.
J.D.: Popsicle. [the Janitor drops his head] Popsicle.
Janitor: [lifts his head] I had the craziest dream.
J.D.: Popsicle. [the Janitor drops his head]
Janitor: I can believe he's buying this. It's gonna be a fun day.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's been so long since I was an intern. I wonder what they're thinking.
Katie: [v.o.] Notice me. Notice me. Notice me. Notice me. Notice me. Notice me. Notice me!
Howie: [v.o.] 'Cause I'm gonna hit that. Oh, yeah.
Denise: [v.o.] Time to start yet another day in the suckhole of all suckholes.
Sunny: [v.o.] I'm in such a good mood. I think I'll do a little dance.
J.D.: Oh, Derek, what did you think of your first John Dorian presentation as it were?
Derek: I imagine it's what people felt like the first time they heard Dr. King speak.
Derek: [v.o.] What are you doing? That wise ass crap always get you in trouble. Just keep your mouth shut.

Quote from Denise

Paige: For like a week now, I've had really bad blurred vision and a stiff jaw.
Elliot: Sounds like my dad after a couple martinis. Looks like you may have a case of WASPiness. [laughs]
Denise: [v.o.] And you may have a touch of the "self-laughies".

Quote from Denise

Denise: So, I've been thinking about her a lot. And with the blurry vision and the jaw thing, I bet Paige has temporal arteritis. We should do a temporal artery biopsy on her.
Elliot: Yeah, I'm not doing that. At her age, it's probably neurological.
Denise: [v.o.] Crap.
Elliot: Now, I just gotta remove the price tag, because this little dressy is a keeper. [dress rips] Frick!
Denise: [v.o.] Good.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Everything alright?
Denise: Yeah, I'm good.
Denise: [v.o.] Crap, it's his Camp Counselor face. Please don't try to make me open up.
J.D.: Come on, Grumpy Bear. You see these little things on the sides of my head? They're not just for holding up my shades.
Denise: Fine. I wanted to do a temporal artery biopsy on a patient and your girlfriend ignored me.
J.D.: Classic Elliot. Look, she's totally supportive and nurturing, but she'll never take an intern's medical opinion. It's just not her way. She's not proud of it. Just like I'm not proud of the fact that just because I stand up to Dr. Cox, oddly everyone thinks I'm so special. You've heard about that right?
Denise: I have.
J.D.: It sucks.

Quote from Turk

Todd: You know what's annoying? We all started out at the same time and now Dorian is so far ahead of us, career-wise.
Turk: That doesn't bother me.
Derek: [v.o.] Really?
Turk: This guy wants his spleen removed? I got his spleen now. Incoming! [throws spleen at glass] You know what? Why don't we take everything out? How about that? I got a heart! I got his heart! I got his heart!
[reality:]
Derek: [v.o.] It bothers him a little.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Hey, smiley intern. Can I talk to you for a sec?
Sunny: Sure.
Janitor: See you around.
Sunny: Wait. I thought you wanted to talk.
Janitor: No, I just wanted to punish those two for touching my cart. So I rigged the elevator to give them a little bit of a scare. [Katie and Howie yell] It's all in good fun.

Quote from Denise

Elliot: See and as long as I wear my lab coat, you can't even see the duct tape at all.
Paige: The neck line is so cute.
Denise: [v.o.] This girly talk is driving me insane.
Paige: And thanks so much. I love this lip gloss, what flavor is it?
Elliot: Apricot-chacha-gotcha.
Denise: Oh my go, we get it. You have vaginas.
Elliot: On that note, I guess we'll go.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Denise, if you'd studied her case history, you'd know that Paige has Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome. She was born without a vagina.
Denise: Oh, my God. Are you serious?
Elliot: No, but if you're gonna act weird around my patients, I'm gonna have to torture you.
Denise: Okay, I'm pissed right now, but that was pretty awesome.
Elliot: Thank you.

Quote from Denise

Denise: I'm just frustrated. I really think we should do the biopsy, it can't do any harm.
Elliot: Oh please, not this again.
Denise: If Paige really does have temporal arteritis and we don't catch it early, she could go blind.
Elliot: Denise.
Denise: Look, I'm not good at mustering up this whole over-the-top puppy dog sentiment thing that you just eat up, but what if I started telling people that I wished you were my older sister?
Elliot: [sighs] Do you?
Denise: No. Not really.
Elliot: I'll still take it.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Dr. Cox is hiring more nurses. Forced overtime for the nursing staff is now over. And it's all thanks to this guy right here! [applause]
J.D.: Stop it everyone. Okay, keep it going a little bit longer. And now you can stop it. That was nice.
Derek: [v.o.] Come on, man. Hold it together.
Carla: If we do hook up tonight, for once, you won't be the only one thinking about J.D.
Derek: [v.o.] That did it.

Quote from Janitor

Sunny: You're bigger than I remember.
Janitor: Thanks.
Sunny: I have to know. Why did you keep me from getting on the elevator? I touched your cart, too. [nervous chuckle]
Janitor: It's simple. I don't mess with you because I don't think you can take it. You're not strong enough.

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