Dr. Perry Cox Quotes Page 1 of 37

Quote from My Student

J.D.: [v.o.] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the thing I can do is to think of someone I look up to, and remember how they got through to me.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall on which you're leaning. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know. Here it's a conundrum.


Quote from My First Day

Dr. Cox: Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenzer?
J.D.: I was worried it could exacerbate the patient's...
Dr. Cox: It's regular-strength Tylenol. Here's what you do. Get her to open her mouth, take a handful and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.
J.D.: But I...
Dr. Cox: And under no circumstances are you to compromise our no-talking agreement.

Quote from My Life in Four Cameras

J.D.: What the hell are we supposed to do?
Dr. Cox: Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV-induced panic there is. Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, monkey pox, Pop Rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu, and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicate with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this. Narrow it down to two symptoms: vomiting and diarrhea, because it's just not E. coli unless it's firing out both exits.
J.D.: Sure hope I don't have dog flu.

Quote from My Big Mouth

Dr. Cox: You're gonna love this one. Twenty-five-year-old woman, dancer, actually. Well, not anymore. I'm afraid we had to take both of her legs. Bilateral gangrene. And seeing as her husband recently passed away, and her insurance at the dancers' union probably is not going to cover it, you should go ahead and tell her she won't be able to stay here with us for her rehab.
Elliot: Um, what room is she in?
Dr. Cox: There is no room. In fact, in the history of medicine, there's never actually been a patient that depressing. I made her up! Come on, now, Barbie. You keep going down this road, you're gonna go up to the roof and jump the hell off. Mind you, it's only five stories high, so that means you'll just wind up back down here, where I, of course, will be the one who has to treat you. And then I'll be forced to jump off the roof, which, as I was suggesting to you, is only five stories high. And are you starting to see a pattern forming here?

Quote from My Drama Queen

Dr. Cox: Nine pounds in a week? Let me ask you a quick question. Are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone's clogged artery and all that person has to do, really, is, oh, I don't know, go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad and you come back here looking like that. And I know, I know. Here I am, supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap. But you wanna know the God's honest truth? And this is a fact. You are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?

Quote from My Best Moment

Dr. Cox: Newbie, you never promise a patient that they're gonna be fine.
J.D.: Mr. Milligan? His blood pressure's a little low. He just has mono.
Dr. Cox: Oh, for God's sakes, Newbie, take a look around, would you please? What's the difference between your Mr. Milligan and every other patient in this I.C.U.? And if the answer to that question is that he's the only one young enough to have never made a phone call like this: "Brring! Hello? Operator? Give me Stuyvesant 45-45-45", then you'd be right. But since I'm not in the mood to make some big, dramatic, sweeping statement, I'll just tell you this: God hates doctors. He truly does. You see all these old people in here? Well, any of 'em would give just about anything to be able to sashay off this planet, but most of 'em are gonna stay and they're gonna live forever and ever and ever. And your Mr. Milligan, well, it turns out he's just young enough to die. I mean, think about it: It's the holidays, there's a sweet little kid involved. Can't you just feel it?

Quote from My First Day

J.D.: Dr. Kelso is always saying...
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible, so I don't overstate it. Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet and may in fact be Satan himself.
J.D.: It's just that this isn't what I expected. Most of my patients are older and sorta checked-out, mentally.
Dr. Cox: Pumpkin, that's modern medicine. Advances that keep people alive who should've died a long time ago, back when they lost what made them people. Now, your job is to stay sane enough so that when someone does come in that you actually can help, you're not so brain-dead that you can't function. For the love of God, what?
J.D.: It's just. Do you really think we should be talking about this in front of...
Dr. Cox: Her? She's dead. Write this down, Newbie. If you push around a stiff, nobody'll ask you to do anything.
J.D.: You've been like a father to me.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. You want some real advice? If they find out nurses are doing your procedures for you, your ass will be kicked out so quick, it'll make your head spin.

Quote from My First Step

Julie: Plomox is the most effective anti-arrhythmic drug on the market right now, and it has minimal side effects, only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.
Dr. Cox: I'm getting two out of three just from the conversation.

Quote from My Déjà Vu, My Déjà Vu

Elliot: Look who's back, Mrs. Goldstein. It's Dr. Cox.
Mrs. Goldstein: How was Acapulco?
Elliot: We told everyone you were in Acapulco.
Dr. Cox: I never went to Acapulco, Mrs. Goldstein. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance. Then, I realized that that tactic would never work, as I'd be sent straight to hell, which, I imagine is actually a lot like Acapulco, only there would be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best.

Quote from My Day Off

Dr. Cox: [to the tune of Big Ben chimes] Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong.

Quote from My Friend the Doctor

Carla: You are entering a new phase in your life. Why are you fighting it?
Dr. Cox: I'm not- I'm not fighting anything.
Carla: So, even though you have a full head of hair, you still take Propecia because you like the way it tastes?
Dr. Cox: You know, the other day I found a gray hair in my happy trail.
Carla: Is that the patch of hair that goes from your belly button down to your pe-
Dr. Cox: It is, indeed.
Carla: So? You have a gray happy trail! A lot of women find it distinguished.
Dr. Cox: Carla, I have a six-month-old child. I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park, where everybody is like, "Hmm, is he the dad? Is he the grand-dad? Is he the grand-dad's grand-dad? And, oh, my God! Why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year-old little boy is in the mud crying? Is- Is he taunting the little boy? No! He can't even see the little boy! And, now look, he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the mini-van, and driving away while the little boy cries and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD."

Quote from My Old Friend's New Friend

J.D.: [v.o.] My last week of residency had begun. In seven days I'd be a full-fledged doctor. It felt pretty special to me, and I had a hunch it meant a lot to one other person as well.
Dr. Cox: Yes, milady?
J.D.: So, you felling all, like, bleaaah?
Dr. Cox: That depends, does "bleaaah" mean confused and incredibly annoyed?
J.D.: Come on, man, it's our last week together. The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station. You must have a metaphor you want to use. Hit me with it.
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Let me see... Uh, low-carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much. The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh! And Hugh Jackman.
J.D.: Hugh Jackman's Wolverine. How dare he.

Quote from My Fruit Cups

Dr. Cox: Look, morning sickness sucks. Believe me, I know. I've been there. Hey, Jordan, are you- Are you crying?
Jordan: No. I don't know. I'm just completely hormonal. I mean, you try going from out-of-control horny to clinically depressed six times a day.
Dr. Cox: Give me a break. I can knock that out on the way to work.

Quote from My Best Friend's Mistake

Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: I'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr. Cox sat behind me.
Elliot: I feel stupid but, sending me to Kelso like that, I'm not sure what you were trying to teach me.
Dr. Cox: The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone.
Elliot: I think we both know there's a little more to it than that.
Dr. Cox: No, no, no. No, there's not. Look, I want you to go ahead and spread the word, missy. I've had enough. The next whiny intern that comes to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic, one-woman freak show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine, over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brain ship because he's drunk at the wheel.
Elliot: You're right. I need to learn to pick my battles. Thank you, sir.
Dr. Cox: You're welcome.

Quote from My Lucky Night

J.D.: Uh, listen, while I have you here. I'm applying for a fellowship, and I could really use a letter of recommendation. I was thinking that, when you wrote it, instead of using a girl's name you could refer to me as "Dr. Dorian." I think it sounds a little more professional and, frankly, each time you call me a girl's name, I die a little inside.
Dr. Cox: Look, Janice, Denise, Tiffany Amber Thiessen! Let me go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry's Perspective. One, If someone's standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can't decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two, I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called "Bring Back the Porn!" Three, and most importantly of all, the only way to be respected as a doctor - nay, respected as a man - is to be an island. You are born alone, you damn sure die alone. Isn't that right, Spike? The point is, and you just might want to jot this down: only the weak need help.
J.D.: I should get that tattooed on my neck.

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