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‘My Scrubs’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Scrubs

613. My Scrubs

Aired March 15, 2007

J.D. and Turk try to game the system to treat Dr. Kelso's uninsured friend. The Janitor tries to blackmail Carla with the original Rowdy. Elliot tries to convince Dr. Cox that people can change when Mr. Thompson (Alexander Chaplin) returns to the hospital as a drug counselor. Meanwhile, Dr. Kelso changes the color of the scrubs to stop people stealing them.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Nothing ever changes. The artist formerly known as Prince is still just Prince. My ex-wife is still pretty much my wife. Grey's Anatomy always reps up every episode some cheesy voiceover that ties together all of the story lines, which incidentally is my least favorite device on television. Newbie continually will try to violate my no-touching policy. [looks around] Uh-huh. And Republicans will forever try to raise-
J.D.: Sneak hug!
Dr. Cox: Of course, I would go kill him right now but he actually just helped to prove my point.
Nurse Roberts: This is gonna help, too. There are ten orders of Percocet missing from the pharmacy.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea who I'm gonna give my complementary urine test to! [whistles at Mr. Thompson]

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Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Turkleton, I want you to take good care of my friend Maggie here. Don't worry, we'll take care of you.
Carla: Name and insurance, please?
Maggie: Maggie Kent, and none.
Carla: All right, let's find a room.
J.D.: [v.o.] When a patient doesn't have any insurance you have to work around the system. First you have to find someone who's recently died.
J.D.: Cool! Mr. Rabinowitz just kicked it. [to Maggie] Oh, don't worry. He put his peep in an electrical socket.
You can't do that.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Ted, look at this budget. Oh, God, I have half a mind to make you pay for every cent of that new transformer.
Ted: I'm telling you, sir. A lifeless ghost dog glided in front of my car wearing roller-skates. [pops pill]
Dr. Kelso: If this is your way of trying to make me feel guilty about paving over that Indian burial ground, it isn't going to work. We needed the damn parking spaces.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Young Man: Hey, Grandpa, a little help.
Dr. Kelso: Here ya go, sport. But call me grandpa again, and you and I are going to play a little game called "Hide the Wingtip". There may be a generational gap here, I'll explain. The wingtip is my shoe, the hiding place is your ass.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: Girl, can you believe what they sell in these white-people magazines? Look here. This is a computer chip that you put in your baby's foot so you can track it, like a baby low-jack.
Carla: White people do the craziest things.
Nurse Roberts: Like bumper stickers. I don't give a damn what you brake for.
Janitor: I know, white people! Huh. No, my- my stepmom is one quarter Inuit, so I'm part Eskimo. Anyway, small favor. I need your baby. I'm getting in the baby broker business. Nothing illicit. I'm just hooking up folks that can't have babies with folks that don't want babies.
Carla: You, leave. You, give me that baby little jack number.
Nurse Roberts: Already tore it out.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Why can't you just give Sam a break?
Dr. Cox: Look, the only thing Sam did was to go from being a lying drug addict to being a lying drug addict who works here.
Elliot: People change. I knew this one migrant worker from our orchard, Ramon, he used to say "I hate applesauce, it destroys the integrity of the la manzana". Manzana is Spanish for apple. Anyway, last time I was home I asked how Ramon was doing. Vice-president of Mott's Applesauce. It's true, Ramon Dalgado, look him upon the internet.
Dr. Cox: Very well.
Elliot: Don't, I made it up. Point is people can change and you know it.

Quote from J.D.

Maggie: So, how bad is it gonna be?
Turk: Well, you're gonna lose the dead tissue, but thanks to modern medicine you're gonna keep most of your foot. You won't believe how much worse it would've been even a few years ago.
[medieval fantasy: Maggie is tied down, with a plank of wood in her mouth, as Turk hovers over her with a saw:]
Maggie: [screams]
Turk: This might hurteth a little.
J.D.: Look, milady, I know it stinks that we're removing your foot and plan to eat it tonight at the healing feast, but you wouldn't believeth how much worse it would've been, even a few years ago.
[cave-age fantasy:]
Maggie: [complaining grunts]
[After Turk and J.D. talk to each other, Turk knocks Maggie out with his club. J.D. then knocks Turk out with his club. The Scrubs sad theme plays as caveman J.D. thinks about what he's done.]
J.D.: [v.o.] Onga bonga tonga ronga, gatanga batanga banga.
[reality:]
J.D.: I may have killed you, but I think I was upset about it.

Quote from J.D.

Nurse Roberts: There were no drugs in Sam's bag, and his urinalysis came back clean.
Mr. Thompson: Don't beat yourself up, big guy, I would have suspected me too.
Elliot: Maybe we should post the transcript from your "Nothing ever changes" rant in the cancer ward for the chemo patients as a little pick me up. Oh, and FYI, I happen to like the voiceovers on Grey's Anatomy. Except when they are really vague and generic.
J.D.: [v.o.] And so in the end, I knew what Elliot said about the way things were had forever ever changed the way we all thought about them.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Turk: [moans] Great, now I got a crick on my neck.
Dr. Kelso: [clears throat] We are gonna get a little graphic here. So, you fellas might wanna look the other way. Or not. It's your choice.
J.D.: Turk, why are you looking?
Turk: 'cause of my neck crick. I can't move.
Dr. Kelso: Watch this, Turkleton. She calls it the Shanghai Surprise!
Turk: Oh, God! [closes eyes, briefly opens them] Oh!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, say, Barbie, wait just a second, eh, I gotta tell you. You look, well darn it all, you look great today.
Elliot: Oh, thanks. I started using that new facial cream made from baby foreskins.
Dr. Cox: Oh!
Elliot: But, I don't understand. You haven't complimented me in six years. Why today?
Dr. Cox: Well, since you are a private practice doctor who went home yesterday at 5 leaving me up all night with your melanoma patient, I just knew if I complimented you, sure as shootin', you'd look at me just a hair too long and then this would happen.
[Elliot trips over a patient in a wheelchair]
Man: [screams in agony]
Elliot: Oh, you think you're funny?
Dr. Cox: I do, I always have, ever since I was a little kid. It's one of the reasons that I'm a winner.

Quote from Janitor

Carla: Turk! You know I hate that damn dog.
Janitor: No, it's not bald, black doctor. It's haired, half-white, half-Inuit janitor. And this is the real Rowdy.
Carla: Excuse me?!
Janitor: You recall that a couple of years ago you lost him? You were panicked that your husband was gonna find out, so I sold my entire stuffed squirrel army, in exchange for Steven, an exact replica. What you don't know is that I retraced your steps that day, and I found Rowdy. Now I think, if your husband knew that he'd been loving a fake dead dog all this time, he'd be very unhappy.
Carla: You're a crazy person.
Janitor: Am I?! Or am I a brilliant mastermind who's waited two long years until he needed something from you?! And now that day has come. Here's what I want. I want your baby. We already talked about that. I want you to tell that new borderline anorexic nurse to eat a sandwich. And then to go salsa dancing with me. Also, I want you to teach me the salsa dance. I want a pound of frankincense, mostly just to see what it is. And lastly, I'm in a little bit of a tiff with the main barista, down at CoffeeBucks, he's not above poisoning me, so I'm gonna need you to be my official beverage tester, yes?
Carla: I'm just gonna confess everything to Turk. Hmm.
Janitor: [growls] No, easy boy. We'll get her.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Carla: Here's the deal. When nobody's looking, we grab Steven and make him go bye bye, then there'll be only one dog left, so when Lurch suddenly shows up with the real Rowdy, Turk will have to assume that he's the one who stole him from the car. Got it?
Nurse Roberts: Whatever. Lets do this. Laverne Roberts! [smashes window with fist]
Carla: Laverne?! I've got the keys right here!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Maggie: Hi, Bob. That's why I always save you a place. You keep the riff-raff in check.
Dr. Kelso: My pleasure. Well, let's see what Enid packed for lunch today. A stapler and a golf ball. She's not well.
Maggie: I'll trade you. My apple for your golf ball.
Dr. Kelso: Done.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] Then you have to convince the morgue guy to sit on the paperwork so that the deceased's bed stays open.
Doug: Deal!
J.D.: [v.o.] Then you have to get the floor nurse just to play along.
Nurse Roberts: Enjoy your kosher meal, Mr. Rabinowitz.
J.D.: [v.o.] Then you have to find the surgeon to do the work pro-bono.
Todd: Dude, I've had a pro bono like all morning. Something-might-be-wrong five.
Turk: I got this one.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] But most importantly you cannot let any higher-ups find out that a patient is uninsured. Even if they are the ones who brought her here in the first place.
Maggie: Bob, I wanna thank you for doing all this even though I don't have any-
Turk: Dr. Kelso, we need to talk to you.
Dr. Kelso: What is it?
J.D.: Ah, we wanna go somewhere with you.
Dr. Kelso: Okay. Where?
J.D.: A spa. We'd like to get some massages.
Dr. Kelso: Mmm. Well, I know just the place.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Hey, good morning, fellas!
[J.D. and Turk avoid eye contact]
Turk: Hi, sir, how are you?
J.D.: Lookin' good.
Dr. Kelso: Why so awkward? You never saw a colleague get a happy ending before?
Turk: No, not-not that happy.
J.D.: But thank you, for including us.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I'm in a hurry. I promised one of my patients that I would be at his first first day of drug counseling. See? I got it right here.
Dr. Cox: Oh! Bar-boo! Give me a break. Why, on God's name do you think I'd care about anything that you wrote down?
Elliot: You wouldn't.
[Dr. Kelso walks into a door]
Elliot: Ha!
Carla: Nice!

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Hey, can you believe who the new drug counselor is?
Mr. Thompson: I just want you all to know that I've been right where you are. Hell, a couple of years ago I was in this very hospital scamming that nice doctor over there for painkillers. Can everyone say hi to Dr. Reid?
All: Hi, Dr. Reid.
Elliot: Hey, drug addicts! What's up?

Quote from Turk

Carla: Hey, where were you? We were supposed to meet for breakfast.
Turk: My bad, I was hanging out with J.D. and Rowdy and we decided to pull a prank that we used to do back in the day.
[flashback to J.D. and Turk hiding behind an ambulance as Ted drives by:]
J.D.: Here goes Ted. Go, go, go! Pull!
[J.D. and Turk pull Rowdy, who is wearing roller skates on his feet, across the road into the path of Ted's car]
Ted: [singing I love you, I love you I love my- Oh, dog! Ghost dog.
[Ted swerves and crashes into a utility pole, which falls down onto the hospital's transformer]
[in the hospital, as the lights go off:]
Dr. Kelso: Calm down, people, we have a backup generator. [lights come on] Aah, thank God, I was just bluffing.
[present:]
Turk: Won't be doing that again.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Kelso: Now, why in the hell are we paying this much money for scrubs?
Ted: Maybe people are stealing them.
Dr. Kelso: Now why would people be stealing scrubs?
[flashback to Ted arriving home in blue scrubs:]
Ted: Hey, mom. A guy tried to die on me today, but I didn't let him. I didn't let him!
[flashback to Laverne's church choir, all wearing hospital scrubs:]
Choir: [singing] What a friend we have in Jesus
[flashback to J.D. in the shower. His shower curtain is made up of scrubs knitted together, while he uses scrubs as towels]
[present:]
Doug: Excuse me, guys, stealing scrubs here.

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