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33Quotes from ‘My Tuscaloosa Heart’

Scrubs: My Tuscaloosa Heart

118. My Tuscaloosa Heart

Aired March 12, 2002

J.D. has to treat a bad tempered patient. As Dr. Cox gets more involved with Kristen, he can't stop thinking about women from his past. Meanwhile, Elliot is convinced that Dr. Kelso used to write and perform romantic songs.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Turk: Sir, whatever happened to Bunny? We gotta know.
Dr. Kelso: Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi. But things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept coming. Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, started wearing a white jumpsuit and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.
Elliot: Sir.
Dr. Kelso: Then, in 1977, I died on the toilet. Or did I?
Turk: You never played the guitar?
Dr. Kelso: Son, that crap is for hippies! Now, for God's sake, get back to work.
Elliot: Yes, sir.
Dr. Kelso: [as Elvis] Thank you very much.

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Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Hey, honey, I'm home. You know, you should lock your door. There's horrible people out there.
Dr. Cox: There's horrible people right in here.
Jordan: Maybe you forgot how this works. See, when I say that "Hi, honey" thing, you take your pants off. You see, them's the rules of the booty call.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, believe me, I enjoy our meaningless post-divorce sex as much as the next guy you marry will, but your timing could not be worse.
Jordan: Oh, maybe you don't remember the terms of our settlement. When Jordan needs sex, Jordan gets sex.
Dr. Cox: Listen, sweet cheeks, I am seeing someone who...
Jordan: Let me guess! Dark hair, domineering, doesn't take any of your crap? You see, a lesser person would mock your inability to move on. I'm gonna consider it an homage.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: That was really great, but next time, would you not look me in the eye? It really gets in the way of what I come here to do.
Dr. Cox: Then for God's sake stop turnin' around.
Jordan: Well, that's classy.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Oh, this'll be fun. J.D., I would like you to meet J.D.
J.D.: How's it going, man?
Other J.D.: Make him leave.
J.D.: Are you bummed that we have the same name? Oh, don't worry about it, man. I'll tell you what. You're a little older than I am, so you were J.D. first. So, how about you'll be J.D. Number One, and I'll just be J.D. Number Two? How about that?
Other J.D.: Hey, Number Two.
J.D.: [laughs] Hey, Number One.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Me no likey mean guys. Have you seen my stethoscope?
Elliot: No. Maybe you left it in one of the girls' bathrooms.
J.D.: What? Hey. Hey, is that my stethoscope?
Janitor: This is mine. It's getting hot, Red Bird. Pull me out.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Thank you for giving me a ride to pick up my dresser.
Dr. Cox: You know I love doing favors.
Carla: Please, you hate doing favors.
Dr. Cox: I like doing 'em for you. Even though I am in the best shape of my life, and I am, by the way. You could pretty much bounce a damn quarter off my butt, you know, if you, if you wanted to.
Carla: I don't have any change.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Look, I'm seeing someone right now, who, by the way, is great, and yet there's this other woman who I cannot get out of my head. She's totally unavailable, which may be why I can't get her out of my head. And maybe, and this is a whole new theory, I keep thinking of this other woman, the unavailable one, because I am so afraid that the first thing might work. And God forbid I ever do something that might make me happy. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?
Jordan: Oh, my God. If I have to stay here and listen to this crap, I'll need a stronger drink.
Dr. Cox: I hate you.
Jordan: I hate you too, honey.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Kelso: Having a late-night tea party, are we? I guess my invitation must've been lost in the mail. Well, as long as I'm here, I'm partial to Lemon Zinger.
Elliot: Sir, the reason Dr. Turk is here is this patient is going into surgery tomorrow, but I was kind of hoping we could do an ERCP first.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, you're breakin' my Tuscaloosa heart. Just turf him.
Elliot: "Tuscaloosa heart". Hmm. Uh, this is what I like to call my "Told You So" dance. [singing] I told you so, I told you so, I, I, I told you so. I told you so, I told you so, I, I, I told you so.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: J.D., when you were a kid, did you used to walk into your parents' room in the middle of the night?
[flashback:]
Young J.D.: Mommy, are you and Daddy playing wheelbarrow?
Man: Son, you go back to bed. I'm fixing Mommy's back.
[present:]
J.D.: Yes, once.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] There's no reason to start obsessing. You did nothing wrong.
Janitor: Morning, killer. Have a good one, killer.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Looks like you screwed the pooch there, Tinkerbell.
J.D.: But I didn't overmedicate him.
Dr. Cox: Of course you didn't. I always check your orders after you make them. But if you're wondering whether or not you treated Mr. Simon differently because he's a complete jerk, well, I think you know the answer to that one already, don't you?
J.D.: Depends what you mean by "different".
Dr. Cox: I have to warn you, I just got dumped in front of my ex-wife, not ten minutes ago, okay, Betty? It's always easy to treat the nice ones nice, isn't it? But your drug addicts, your child abusers, your garden-variety jerks... [whistles] Man.
J.D.: You know, it's barely misting out.
Dr. Cox: It's my hair. If it even gets damp, it frizzes out and becomes wildly unmanageable.
J.D.: Mine too.
Dr. Cox: It was a joke, ya girl. Newbie, the only way to judge your growth as a doctor, hell, as a human being, is by making sure you don't repeat the same mistakes over and over.


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