Turk: Sir, whatever happened to Bunny? We gotta know.
Dr. Kelso: Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi. But things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept coming. Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, started wearing a white jumpsuit and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.
Elliot: Sir.
Dr. Kelso: Then, in 1977, I died on the toilet. Or did I?
Turk: You never played the guitar?
Dr. Kelso: Son, that crap is for hippies! Now, for God's sake, get back to work.
Elliot: Yes, sir.
Dr. Kelso: [as Elvis] Thank you very much.

Jordan: Hey, honey, I'm home. You know, you should lock your door. There's horrible people out there.
Dr. Cox: There's horrible people right in here.
Jordan: Maybe you forgot how this works. See, when I say that "Hi, honey" thing, you take your pants off. You see, them's the rules of the booty call.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, believe me, I enjoy our meaningless post-divorce sex as much as the next guy you marry will, but your timing could not be worse.
Jordan: Oh, maybe you don't remember the terms of our settlement. When Jordan needs sex, Jordan gets sex.
Dr. Cox: Listen, sweet cheeks, I am seeing someone who...
Jordan: Let me guess! Dark hair, domineering, doesn't take any of your crap? You see, a lesser person would mock your inability to move on. I'm gonna consider it an homage.

Jordan: That was really great, but next time, would you not look me in the eye? It really gets in the way of what I come here to do.
Dr. Cox: Then for God's sake stop turnin' around.
Jordan: Well, that's classy.

Elliot: Oh, this'll be fun. J.D., I would like you to meet J.D.
J.D.: How's it going, man?
Other J.D.: Make him leave.
J.D.: Are you bummed that we have the same name? Oh, don't worry about it, man. I'll tell you what. You're a little older than I am, so you were J.D. first. So, how about you'll be J.D. Number One, and I'll just be J.D. Number Two? How about that?
Other J.D.: Hey, Number Two.
J.D.: [laughs] Hey, Number One.

J.D.: Me no likey mean guys. Have you seen my stethoscope?
Elliot: No. Maybe you left it in one of the girls' bathrooms.
J.D.: What? Hey. Hey, is that my stethoscope?
Janitor: This is mine. It's getting hot, Red Bird. Pull me out.

Carla: Thank you for giving me a ride to pick up my dresser.
Dr. Cox: You know I love doing favors.
Carla: Please, you hate doing favors.
Dr. Cox: I like doing 'em for you. Even though I am in the best shape of my life, and I am, by the way. You could pretty much bounce a damn quarter off my butt, you know, if you, if you wanted to.
Carla: I don't have any change.

Dr. Cox: Look, I'm seeing someone right now, who, by the way, is great, and yet there's this other woman who I cannot get out of my head. She's totally unavailable, which may be why I can't get her out of my head. And maybe, and this is a whole new theory, I keep thinking of this other woman, the unavailable one, because I am so afraid that the first thing might work. And God forbid I ever do something that might make me happy. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?
Jordan: Oh, my God. If I have to stay here and listen to this crap, I'll need a stronger drink.
Dr. Cox: I hate you.
Jordan: I hate you too, honey.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough.

Dr. Kelso: Having a late-night tea party, are we? I guess my invitation must've been lost in the mail. Well, as long as I'm here, I'm partial to Lemon Zinger.
Elliot: Sir, the reason Dr. Turk is here is this patient is going into surgery tomorrow, but I was kind of hoping we could do an ERCP first.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, you're breakin' my Tuscaloosa heart. Just turf him.
Elliot: "Tuscaloosa heart". Hmm. Uh, this is what I like to call my "Told You So" dance. [singing] I told you so, I told you so, I, I, I told you so. I told you so, I told you so, I, I, I told you so.

Turk: J.D., when you were a kid, did you used to walk into your parents' room in the middle of the night?
[flashback:]
Young J.D.: Mommy, are you and Daddy playing wheelbarrow?
Man: Son, you go back to bed. I'm fixing Mommy's back.
[present:]
J.D.: Yes, once.

J.D.: [v.o.] There's no reason to start obsessing. You did nothing wrong.
Janitor: Morning, killer. Have a good one, killer.