Carla: Turk, we're gonna have kids soon. We're supposed to be a team. That means you occasionally have to listen to me and believe in my opinion. Like, what if we have a daughter and she wants her ears pierced?
Turk: Irrelevant, we're not having a daughter.
Carla: Okay, what if we have a son and he wants to take dance class, even though his friends are all playing football?
Turk: He can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind. [singing] 'Cause his friends don't dance and if they don't dance Then they're no friends of mine S-S-S-S, A-A-A-A, F-F-F-F-F, E-E-E-E-E

J.D.: But Friday's my birthday! I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
Carla: Whose place?
J.D.: Your place. Look, I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I've already got two e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
Carla: Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.
J.D.: It's a Mexican-themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. [whispers] That means I'm turning 30. Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking. Ocho thirty until upside-down question mark. Sombreros at the door. [trills]
Turk: I'll be there.
J.D.: Gracias, amigo. [to Carla] I borrowed one of your dictionaries.

Elliot: Sometimes in bed, I feel like I'm the only one screamin'.
Jake: Elliot, you're quiet as a mouse. All the screaming is in your head.
Elliot: Yeah, but in there, it's crazy. [growls]
Jake: Alright, fine, why don't you tell me your wildest fantasy.
Elliot: Okay, fine. You're a Mexican apple thief, I run the cider house. I catch you hiding behind the stone mill, you chase me into the tasting room... Oh, if there's a crow in there, fine, if not, I can live with it. Anyway, we're all alone, you don't speak a word of English, but you teach me more about hard cider than I ever learned from my fermenting exams. And our passion is so loud that they can hear it all the way in the distillery. [pants] Oh! God, I can be such an apple slut.

Carla: Then I said, "What if our son wants to take dance class instead of football with his friends?" Turk ran off singing Safety Dance.
Elliot: Didn't you learn your lesson that time you told him the commissar was in town?

Todd: Hey, buddy.
Turk: Hey.
Todd: Betrayal five. [Turk groans] Dr. Wen!
Dr. Wen: Oh, my briefcase.
J.D.: You know, I totally saw that coming.

Turk: So you wanted to talk to me about your appendectomy, Mrs. ... Appendectomy? Now that ain't right!
Melissa: Look, 15 percent of surgical complications are anesthesia-related, so I'd like to use hypnosis instead of traditional anesthesia.
Turk: Well, I'd like to sleep with Beyonce instead of my wife tonight, but that ain't happening either, you know what I'm sayin'? Tell you what, I'll think about it.

Turk: My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Cox: Look it, I'd like to throw in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan, but that ain't gonna happen either.
Carla: Dr. Cox!
Turk: Dr. Cox! No! Awful!

Carla: Hypnosis is a very powerful tool. It's helped with depression, weight loss. It helped me quit smoking.
Dr. Cox: Hypnosis is for birthday parties and bad Vegas lounges. Now, you go tell your patient to let you do what you do best: Knock her out and then start digging around inside like a blind man looking for a nickel.
Carla: I think you should do it.
Dr. Cox: Knock her out and dig.
Carla: Do it.
Dr. Cox: Dig. Dig. Dig.
Carla: Do it. Do it.
Turk: OK. I'm gonna go with Dr. Cox on this one.
Dr. Cox: That's a rookie move, and you hate to see it. You always side with the wife, even if she's got a full-on case of the crazies.

Carla & Elliot: We saw it first!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna go ahead and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one. I've worked with her before. She has no off button.

Carla: If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: [gasps] Who's Jake?
Dr. Cox: [slams table] Jordan! No!
Elliot: He's this guy I've been going out with, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off.
Jordan: Sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?
Dr. Cox: Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!
Jordan: Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it.
Carla: Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up. You know, like Turk can be a little... immature. Like, I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.
Dr. Cox: Or maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on 50 pounds, start collecting knickknacks and meet your future now. You know, before the loneliness burns too much? Gosh, I did enjoy that!