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42Quotes from ‘My Day at the Races’

Scrubs: My Day at the Races

503. My Day at the Races

Aired January 10, 2006

As J.D. approaches his thirtieth birthday, he feels he's getting nowhere in life. Meanwhile, Turk decides to make a splash by operating on a patient under hypnosis, and Elliot is fed up of her superficial friendship with J.D.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Turk, we're gonna have kids soon. We're supposed to be a team. That means you occasionally have to listen to me and believe in my opinion. Like, what if we have a daughter and she wants her ears pierced?
Turk: Irrelevant, we're not having a daughter.
Carla: Okay, what if we have a son and he wants to take dance class, even though his friends are all playing football?
Turk: He can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind. [singing] 'Cause his friends don't dance and if they don't dance Then they're no friends of mine S-S-S-S, A-A-A-A, F-F-F-F-F, E-E-E-E-E

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: But Friday's my birthday! I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
Carla: Whose place?
J.D.: Your place. Look, I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I've already got two e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
Carla: Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.
J.D.: It's a Mexican-themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. [whispers] That means I'm turning 30. Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking. Ocho thirty until upside-down question mark. Sombreros at the door. [trills]
Turk: I'll be there.
J.D.: Gracias, amigo. [to Carla] I borrowed one of your dictionaries.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Sometimes in bed, I feel like I'm the only one screamin'.
Jake: Elliot, you're quiet as a mouse. All the screaming is in your head.
Elliot: Yeah, but in there, it's crazy. [growls]
Jake: Alright, fine, why don't you tell me your wildest fantasy.
Elliot: Okay, fine. You're a Mexican apple thief, I run the cider house. I catch you hiding behind the stone mill, you chase me into the tasting room... Oh, if there's a crow in there, fine, if not, I can live with it. Anyway, we're all alone, you don't speak a word of English, but you teach me more about hard cider than I ever learned from my fermenting exams. And our passion is so loud that they can hear it all the way in the distillery. [pants] Oh! God, I can be such an apple slut.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Then I said, "What if our son wants to take dance class instead of football with his friends?" Turk ran off singing Safety Dance.
Elliot: Didn't you learn your lesson that time you told him the commissar was in town?

Quote from J.D.

Todd: Hey, buddy.
Turk: Hey.
Todd: Betrayal five. [Turk groans] Dr. Wen!
Dr. Wen: Oh, my briefcase.
J.D.: You know, I totally saw that coming.

Quote from Turk

Turk: So you wanted to talk to me about your appendectomy, Mrs. ... Appendectomy? Now that ain't right!
Melissa: Look, 15 percent of surgical complications are anesthesia-related, so I'd like to use hypnosis instead of traditional anesthesia.
Turk: Well, I'd like to sleep with Beyonce instead of my wife tonight, but that ain't happening either, you know what I'm sayin'? Tell you what, I'll think about it.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Cox: Look it, I'd like to throw in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan, but that ain't gonna happen either.
Carla: Dr. Cox!
Turk: Dr. Cox! No! Awful!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Hypnosis is a very powerful tool. It's helped with depression, weight loss. It helped me quit smoking.
Dr. Cox: Hypnosis is for birthday parties and bad Vegas lounges. Now, you go tell your patient to let you do what you do best: Knock her out and then start digging around inside like a blind man looking for a nickel.
Carla: I think you should do it.
Dr. Cox: Knock her out and dig.
Carla: Do it.
Dr. Cox: Dig. Dig. Dig.
Carla: Do it. Do it.
Turk: OK. I'm gonna go with Dr. Cox on this one.
Dr. Cox: That's a rookie move, and you hate to see it. You always side with the wife, even if she's got a full-on case of the crazies.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla & Elliot: We saw it first!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna go ahead and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one. I've worked with her before. She has no off button.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: [gasps] Who's Jake?
Dr. Cox: [slams table] Jordan! No!
Elliot: He's this guy I've been going out with, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off.
Jordan: Sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?
Dr. Cox: Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!
Jordan: Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it.
Carla: Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up. You know, like Turk can be a little... immature. Like, I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.
Dr. Cox: Or maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on 50 pounds, start collecting knickknacks and meet your future now. You know, before the loneliness burns too much? Gosh, I did enjoy that!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Turk: Dr. Kelso, do you have any idea who's gonna get those three attending spots next year?
Dr. Kelso: There are four spots for next year.
Turk: Three, if you're not counting the one going to me.
Dr. Kelso: I'm gonna stick with four, Turkleton. See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart. [chuckles] Did you see the sign? Though there will be no vandalism here, people! It was classic. Anyway, the key is doing something to get noticed.
Turk: I don't know if you know, but I'm doing an appendectomy using hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's about time. Hell's bells, son, when I say the name Turkleton, people laugh.
Turk: Maybe because that's not my name.
Dr. Kelso: Not yet, Turkleton. Not yet.

Quote from Doug

J.D.: When did we lose Mr. Heath?
Carla: Oh, we didn't. His vitals are fine.
J.D.: Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients.
Doug: It's a slow day in my morgue. Nothing's written in stone.
J.D.: You wrote a time of death!
Doug: I wrote "one-ish."
J.D.: Get outta here!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: That's it. I'll do the triathlon!
Carla: Oh, you don't know anything about triathlons.
J.D.: Well, I didn't know anything about cereal inventing, either, Carla. And yet if it wasn't for a certain harshly-worded Cease and Desist letter, we'd all be eating J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As I sidestroked through the salty waters of the great Pacific. Pick an apple, put it in your pocket. Pick an apple, put it in your pocket. I wondered if everyone was doing as well as I was.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Turk: Why are these cameras here?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, this is quite the event here at Sacred Fart. [chuckles] I can't help it, it kills me. Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese news anchor who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon. If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: We are also getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at Caltech, who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course, the numerous after-screams that are sure to follow.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As I reached the biking stage and finally realized what chafing was, I got a surprise visitor.
Elliot: [bell dings] How's it goin'?
J.D.: Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is a half a jellyfish.

Quote from Carla

Elliot: Can I talk about Jake?
J.D.: Dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.
Elliot: Anytime I talk about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner.
[flashback:]
Nurse: I've been dating this guy for a few weeks, but I just found out that he went on a gay cruise last month.
Carla: Probably a cheap trip. Marry him, the four of us'll have dinner.
Nurse: But he also said he might be gay!
Carla: Dinner!

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Promise to help me get through my thirtieth?
J.D.: Mm-hmm. Will you tell me what Jake's fantasy was?
Elliot: Nope.
J.D.: It involve chains?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Whips?
Elliot: Nuh-uh.
J.D.: Candle wax?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Role playing?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Lasers?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Hamsters?
Elliot: Negative.
J.D.: Was he a Mexican apple thief?
Elliot: [sighs] If only.


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