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‘My Turf War’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Turf War

618. My Turf War

Aired April 26, 2007

When Elliot's sorority sister Melody (guest star Keri Russell) comes to town, J.D. feels like the third wheel and causes trouble between the friends. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox and Turk get in a turf war over who should be stuck treating hypochondriac delivery driver Lloyd. Meanwhile, the Janitor has found a way to ensure the kids in pediatrics don't make a mess.

Quote from Janitor

[As a boy plays with a toy car in his bed, he accidentally knocks over his juice carton]
Devin: Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Carla: Hey, it's okay.
Devin: But now the Ghost Who Hates Spills is gonna come.
Carla: Who?
Janitor: You're right, Devin. He might come this very night. And as you know, that ghost's entire family was killed by a careless spill. Just like yours. Just like yours. Hmm.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Lloyd: I have chest tinglies.
Dr. Cox: Lloyd, you're 40 years old and you're a delivery man, so you should be suffering from a pretty severe case of the "where-did-I-go-wrongsies". But, other than that, you're fine. I ran every test. There's nothing wrong with you.
Lloyd: But the pain starts here, and then it goes along, and then skips this area, and then starts hurting again here, and then of course there's the tinglies.
Dr. Cox: [long pause] I'm gonna head out now, Lloyd.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: You know how Mel got around campus? She would just jump on some random dude's back and then make him take her wherever she wanted to go.
Melody: Oh, remember that time I made you do that with Grill Face?
Elliot: Yes. [laughs]
[flashback to Elliot and Melody at a barbecue party:]
Melody: Come on, do it! Just pick a guy! Go on!
Elliot: Ok. Let's go!
[Elliot runs, jumps off a cooler, lands on a guy's back and sends him lurching, face first into the barbecue grill]
[present:]
Melody: I mean, before that happened, Grill Face's name was just Steve.
Elliot: Yeah.

Quote from Janitor

Carla: Why does this bedsheet have two holes in it?
Janitor: That's on me. Sometimes at night I haunt pediatrics.

Quote from Janitor

Carla: Okay, this ends now.
Janitor: Do you know how messy kids can be, and how clean this place has been ever since... the ghost? Besides, I'm only picking on the tonsil cases. The spoiled ones getting ice cream for every meal. Do you know what I had to eat, when I had my tonsils out?
Carla: What?
Janitor: Hot coffee and granola bars. Hot and scratchy. Hot and scratchy!
Carla: Are you insane?
Janitor: I'm a little bit tired. I was up all night learning to rollerblade. I want the ghost to be a little more glidey.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You know what, I should probably go. It's late. I forgot to pay my check. There's a credit card for you. It's quiet in here. I think the music went off again. Someone want to tap that juke box for me? No? Okay. Wow! You guys can stare off a long time without letting your eyes blink. That's amazing. That's- I try and do that and I can never really do it when I've tried.
Bartender: Sorry, the machine's busted.
J.D.: Unfortunate. Okay. Thank you, Frank. I will pay cash. Ben Franklin here should take care of things. A one hundred dollar bill.
Bartender: I don't got change for that.
J.D.: He doesn't got change. That's how he says that. Okay. Mmh. Surely, one of my lady friends could... No. All right. You know what? I'm going to pay one hundred dollars for that Appletini. I like you. You're a good barman. You never tease me when I order the 'tinis.
Bartender: Drink 'em myself.
J.D.: Good Night. [walks away, returns] I can't spend a hundred dollars on an Appletini! It's absurd! That's like ten Tinis, with a tip! No, that must be something else I can buy. How much is that weird melted fox tale?
Bartender: Actually, that's a beard.
J.D.: You can probably keep that then. It's probably a family heirloom. You know what, Frank? I'm gonna do it. One hundred dollars for one Appletini, that was frankly light on the 'tini. All right. Good night. I found a fiver in my pocket.
Melody: No!
J.D.: Keep that too.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes standing up for someone still isn't enough to make the guilt go away.
Lloyd: That is cool! No scar!
Turk: [gasps]
Dr. Cox: You never operated on him? But he-he said he watched his own surgery.
Turk: Oh, he thinks he did. I put up a divider, sprayed on some local anesthetic, and then put Mrs. Nouabi's heart surgery on the TV.
[flashback:]
Lloyd: What's that thing?
Turk: Oh, that's your shoulder sack.
Lloyd: Dude!

Quote from Turk

Dr. Cox: You tricked me?
Turk: I couldn't have done it without my supporting players. Ladies and gentlemen, my muse, my shining light, Miss Carla Turk.
Carla: Stop being mean to my husband!
Turk: And of course, playing the cantankerous chief of medicine, you know him, you love to hate him, Dr.
Bob Kelso!
[After Bob Kelso runs there with a smile on his face, the trio take a bow]
Turk: Again.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, that was fun.
Turk: Don't mess with me ever again.
Carla: I'm so proud of you, baby!
Turk: You know what I do when I do...

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] This saliva heavy display was because Keith was going out of town for a few days.
Keith: Come on, Elliot, let me just borrow it for the weekend. I promise I'll bring it back.
Elliot: No, I need it. Now go. [Keith walks away] Whenever he goes away, he always wants to take my tushie.
J.D.: Why doesn't he just do what I did when we were dating? Wait until you fall asleep naked and take a picture of it.
Elliot: Did you actually do that?
J.D.: No!
J.D.: [v.o.] It's my screensaver!

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Whenever we're apart I always get so bummed.
J.D.: Well, then let's get you cheered up, huh? Look what I just bought in the back of Boy's Life. Spiderman goggles. Still gloomy? Let's put on the wipers. Ruh-roh.
Elliot: Nmm-mm.
J.D.: Nothing? Dr. Beardface. Let's see if he wants to play Macaroni.
Elliot: How do you play?
J.D.: One-nothing, your turn.
J.D.: [v.o.] Playing maccaroni was much more fun than dealing with a hypochondriac.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Since I was checking out that kid's awesome plastic cow, I saw Elliot's friend first.
Melody: Elliot?
Elliot: Melody? Oh, my God! [girlish squeals]
J.D.: [v.o.] And just like that, they regressed to the two 19-year-old sorority sisters they had once been.
Turk: Aah, dude, we should get out of here before they look our way.
J.D.: Why?
[fantasy: Elliot and Melody squeal, creating a tornado that's strong enough to blow J.D. and Turk away:]
Turk: There's only one way to stop them! Show them a picture of Izzy! Go! Go!
J.D.: Must show picture!
[reality:]
J.D.: Girls?
Elliot & Melody: Aw.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hey, what's the deal with Elliot's friend? Break her down for me, C-bear.
Turk: Okay, check it out. She and Elliot went to college together, right?
[fantasy: Turk hosts a sports show:]
Turk: Welcome to Turk's Booty Breakdown!
Melody: Melody O'Hara, Brown University, 5'4"" 103lbs.
Turk: J.D., I've got to tell ya I'm a huge fan of this chick. She seems smart, fun, and she's got a little bit of a wild street.
Melody: Smack it and I'll do a fake sexy "ooh" for you.
Turk: Boys!
Melody: Ooh!
Turk: Count it! Melody works as a hotel reviewer for Zagat, has green eyes, perfect feet (if you're into that), and here's the best part! Tell 'em.
Melody: I'm single.
Turk: Booya! Bus driver dance us home!
Melody: Driving, driving. Passenger on! Driving, driving. Passenger on!
[reality:] [aw:1347]
J.D.: Why don't people dance the bus driver anymore?
Turk: Because it's not a real dance.
J.D.: For us honkeys, it's a very important dance. Driving, driving. Inside the bus.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Anyway, I know it's hard to believe, but when I first got to college, I was a little bit of a-
J.D.: Dork?
Carla: Geek?
Dr. Kelso: Good Time Sally who gave it away for free?
Melody: I was the tramp, you old bitch.
Dr. Kelso: Liking her.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: How come you don't ever give me any good surgeries? I could do a bypass like fft-fft-fft done.
Dr. Cox: Now, Gumball, that's hardly to point. The older surgical attendings around here are warriors. Hell, if I screw with Mickhead, he'll send me every bowel obstruction he gets. You, on the other hand, you're just not formidable enough to have ever earned my respect. I don't even know why I'm speaking with you. In fact I'm going to stop talking right in the middle of whatever I'm-
Turk: Come on, Dr. Cox, hook me up.
Dr. Cox: You want a patient?
[later:]
Dr. Cox: Enjoy.
Lloyd: Hey, weren't we in an air band together?
Turk: Maybe.
Lloyd: [plays air drums] I think so.

Quote from Elliot

Melody: Let's hit the town, later. I wanna roll with Nancy again.
J.D.: Who?
Melody: Oh, that's the name I gave to her crazy wild side.
Elliot: Uh, I thought that was Jenji.
Melody: No, Jenji is your super-sensitive neurotic side. You don't still think I'm neurotic, do you? Because that would make me so bummed. I mean, I thought that I'd done so much work with all...
Melody: Eesy, Jenji. Breathe, breathe.

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