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39Quotes from ‘My Life in Four Cameras’

Scrubs: My Life in Four Cameras

417. My Life in Four Cameras

Aired February 15, 2005

After a TV news report about an E. coli outbreak inspires panic, J.D. is excited to meet a sitcom writer among the E.R. patients. Unfortunately, life at the hospital isn't as simple as in a sitcom: Turk and Carla realize they don't have the spark of a new relationship, and Dr. Cox takes on the burden of trying to cut the budget without firing someone.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Hey, we're missing Sanford and Son.
Turk: What?
Carla: Yes.
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk was freaked out because Carla never joins us on Sanford and Son night or Cheers night. I think it was because she was feeling a little romantically competitive with Kylie and me.
[After Kylie hugs J.D., Carla starts licking Turk's head]
Turk: Woman! Woman, I am not a lollipop! [sings to Sanford and Son theme] Quiet down now, It is time to watch the show, Yes, it started, Don't be lickin' me no mo', Matter of fact, Could you get me a handiwipe?

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Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: What the hell are we supposed to do?
Dr. Cox: Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV-induced panic there is. Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, monkey pox, Pop Rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu, and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicate with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this. Narrow it down to two symptoms: vomiting and diarrhea, because it's just not E. coli unless it's firing out both exits.
J.D.: Sure hope I don't have dog flu.

Quote from Turk

[as J.D. and Kylie, Turk and Carla playfully arm-wrestle in the kitchen:]
J.D.: [v.o.] Carla certainly tried to be as adorable as us.
J.D.: Oh, darn it! You won.
J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, Turk wasn't on the same wavelength.
Turk: Do you see what you get, Carla?! Do you see what you get when you mess with the warrior?!

Quote from Jordan

Carla: Well?
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry. Would you please repeat the question?
Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that?
Jordan: That's weird. I asked him the same thing last night.
Carla: Where's the outrage, the anger, the hate?
Jordan: Again, last night.
Carla: You've gone soft.
Jordan: [gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Things were amazing with Kylie, but before I could get more emotionally invested, I needed answers to some questions that were very important to me.
J.D.: Name 3 spin-offs of the sitcom Happy Days.
Kylie: Mork and Mindy, Laverne and Shirley, and Joanie loves Chachi.
Turk: You marry her. You marry her now. You marry her!
J.D.: Ok, okay! We passed section one: "Sitcoms about or involving Asian-American diner owners." Now onto section 2: "Fat, tubby TV husbands and the crazy-hot women that would never actually be married to them."

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Okay, listen up, everyone. For budgetary reasons, we are turning the bathrooms on even-numbered floors into patient rooms. To sum up: floors two and four are no longer for one or two. Actually, there's still a bathroom on two, but then my joke wouldn't have worked.

Quote from Jordan

Carla: Look, you're the only one who can stand up to Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present man not caring.
Carla: Okay, Jordan, little help.
Jordan: If you don't do what she wants, I'm going to stop having sex with you and start making love. Love you-
Dr. Cox: Where is that bastard?! Kelso?!

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Kylie's in class all day, and she bartends at night, and I'm still pulling 16-hour shifts, so we try to make sure we kiss at least once a day. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, she takes a cab over here. Tuesdays and Thursdays [sings] I scooter to my baby!
Turk: Honey, I haven't fuffied in bed in, like, a week.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: You youngsters. If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you can't schedule love.
Dr. Cox: I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: What do you want, Perry?
Dr. Cox: Bob, enough with the stinkin' budget cuts already.
Dr. Kelso: Noted. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to fire someone.
Dr. Cox: Oh, baloney, old man!
Dr. Kelso: I have to cut $27,000 from the cafeteria budget, and my idea of getting it all back by charging 100 bucks for a piece of cake went right out the window when fat Frank decided to go on that power diet.
Frank: I lost over 230 pounds so far.
Dr. Kelso: I don't know why he keeps wearing those pants.

Quote from Janitor

Jordan: Oh, for god's sake, Perry, adjust your bra, man up, and fire the one with the least pathetic story.
Dr. Cox: Do you really think I know any of these people's stories?
Janitor: Well, let me fill you in. First we have Hank, four kids, trying to make it on a dishwasher's salary. Next to him is Mike, lost half his leg in a motorcycle accident. And then there's Judy, been here 30 year, just 2 away from retirement.
Jordan: You're- You're friends with all these people?
Janitor: Are you kidding me? I read their files. I read everybody's files, Ms. Manic-Depressive, Dr. Drinks-a-lot.

Quote from J.D.

[sitcom fantasy:]
J.D.: [v.o.] J.D.'s sitcom fantasy is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Mr. James: It's weird. There's just so many things I never got to do in my life, like go to a carnival or take a ride in a hot-air balloon.
Elliot: We can do all that. We are gonna give you the best day ever.
J.D.: Elliot, a word? A hot-air balloon seems kind of dangerous. I mean, he could get hurt.
Elliot: What's he gonna do, bruise one of his giant malignant tumors?
J.D.: Safety is always important, Elliot.
Elliot: Oh, my god. You're afraid of balloon rides, aren't you?
J.D.: It's floating wicker propelled by fire!

Quote from Janitor

[sitcom fantasy:]
J.D.: Beside, I defy you to find one other thing that I'm afraid of.
Janitor: [enters] Moppin' time, moppin' time. [audience cheers] It's moppin' time. There he is. Yes, it's mopping time, my friend, and as you know, I always like to start in the exact spot you're standing. Let's get to work. Here we go.
J.D.: Is that my new sweater?
Janitor: No. This is my new sweater mop.
J.D.: It went dynamite with my beige cords.
Janitor: You mean my beige cord sponge?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

[sitcom fantasy:]
Dr. Kelso: Perry, why the hell is he still here? When I go back down to the cafeteria, there had better be only three workers there. Unless Margaret spits out another kid. That woman's like a Catholic bunny. Get it done.

Quote from Jordan

[sitcom fantasy:]
Dr. Cox: Why? Why am I having such a hard time with this?
Jordan: Because apparently you have girl parts.
Dr. Cox: Kelso said that if we can cover his salary in the budget that Kenny can stay. But where are we gonna come up with $26,372?
[A man nails up a banner reading "Sacred Heart Hospital Talent Show Grand Prize $26,372"]
Dr. Cox: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Jordan: Yeah. Oh, that we invite muscles here to hang a banner in our bedroom that says "It takes three to party"?

Quote from Dr. Cox

[sitcom fantasy:]
Dr. Cox: Let's take a look at our other options. Gandhi you appear to be a man who is utterly without talent, unless of course you wanna count the fact that you are the 20th-best basketball player in a predominantly white hospital. Jordan, your only skill is illegal in 26 states.
Jordan: It's 27. Arkansas buckled.
Dr. Cox: Carla, that makes you my girl. Hell, we could crank up the humidity and watch your hair explode. That'd be terrific. Which leaves me, and unless all of you wanna see me turn a two-syllable word into a six-syllable word, I re-he-he-he-he-ally think that we should keep looking.

Quote from Turk

[sitcom fantasy:]
Carla: Because at least I can remember how long we've been married or what our song is.
Turk: I don't know the name of it, but I know it goes like this: [hums]
Carla: Are you humming the let's all go to the movies song?
Turk: Is that not our song?
Carla: It's sung by hot dogs.

Quote from Janitor

[sitcom fantasy:]
Janitor: Hey, I'm wonderin', what's the story with steel wool? I mean, is it steel, or is it wool? Make up your mind, steel wool. Are there iron sheep hoppin' around Scotland? Oh, brother. Look, I- I- Either start laughing or I start unplugging your machines.

Quote from J.D.

[sitcom fantasy:]
J.D.: Well, I hope you had a good day, Mr. James.
Elliot: Wait a second! This chart isn't for Charles James. It's for James Charles. He's the one who has cancer, not you.
J.D.: And who cares about him? He's anti-Semitic!
Mr. James: Well, that's a load off my mind.
J.D.: Hey, everybody. Thanks for coming so quickly. You know, this is the kind of thing I normally say out loud in my head, but since we're all here... It just seems like in the end, everything always works out because as long as we- [Mr. James collapses in bed]
Elliot: Mr. James? Mr. James, can you hear me? He's apneic! We need an airway! Call anesthesia!
J.D.: [v.o.] Wait, this isn't right.
[reality:]
Elliot: We're gonna intubate. Hang some dopamine, wide open! I need an E.T. tube. Where's anesthesia?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, around here things don't always end as neat and tidy as they do in sitcoms. Relationships aren't always magically fixed in 30 minutes. You have to work on them. Problems don't always have easy solutions.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Kenny, once again, I'm I'm real sorry.
Dr. Kelso: Welcome to my world. Now imagine going home to my wife.
J.D.: [v.o.] And around here, nice people don't always get better. And at times like that, it's comforting to know there's always one thing that can pick your spirits up.


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