Carla: Hey, we're missing Sanford and Son.
Turk: What?
Carla: Yes.
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk was freaked out because Carla never joins us on Sanford and Son night or Cheers night. I think it was because she was feeling a little romantically competitive with Kylie and me.
[After Kylie hugs J.D., Carla starts licking Turk's head]
Turk: Woman! Woman, I am not a lollipop! [sings to Sanford and Son theme] Quiet down now, It is time to watch the show, Yes, it started, Don't be lickin' me no mo', Matter of fact, Could you get me a handiwipe?

J.D.: What the hell are we supposed to do?
Dr. Cox: Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV-induced panic there is. Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, monkey pox, Pop Rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu, and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicate with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this. Narrow it down to two symptoms: vomiting and diarrhea, because it's just not E. coli unless it's firing out both exits.
J.D.: Sure hope I don't have dog flu.

[as J.D. and Kylie, Turk and Carla playfully arm-wrestle in the kitchen:]
J.D.: [v.o.] Carla certainly tried to be as adorable as us.
J.D.: Oh, darn it! You won.
J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, Turk wasn't on the same wavelength.
Turk: Do you see what you get, Carla?! Do you see what you get when you mess with the warrior?!

Carla: Well?
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry. Would you please repeat the question?
Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that?
Jordan: That's weird. I asked him the same thing last night.
Carla: Where's the outrage, the anger, the hate?
Jordan: Again, last night.
Carla: You've gone soft.
Jordan: [gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.

J.D.: [v.o.] Things were amazing with Kylie, but before I could get more emotionally invested, I needed answers to some questions that were very important to me.
J.D.: Name 3 spin-offs of the sitcom Happy Days.
Kylie: Mork and Mindy, Laverne and Shirley, and Joanie loves Chachi.
Turk: You marry her. You marry her now. You marry her!
J.D.: Ok, okay! We passed section one: "Sitcoms about or involving Asian-American diner owners." Now onto section 2: "Fat, tubby TV husbands and the crazy-hot women that would never actually be married to them."

Dr. Kelso: Okay, listen up, everyone. For budgetary reasons, we are turning the bathrooms on even-numbered floors into patient rooms. To sum up: floors two and four are no longer for one or two. Actually, there's still a bathroom on two, but then my joke wouldn't have worked.

Carla: Look, you're the only one who can stand up to Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present man not caring.
Carla: Okay, Jordan, little help.
Jordan: If you don't do what she wants, I'm going to stop having sex with you and start making love. Love you-
Dr. Cox: Where is that bastard?! Kelso?!

J.D.: Kylie's in class all day, and she bartends at night, and I'm still pulling 16-hour shifts, so we try to make sure we kiss at least once a day. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, she takes a cab over here. Tuesdays and Thursdays [sings] I scooter to my baby!
Turk: Honey, I haven't fuffied in bed in, like, a week.

Dr. Kelso: You youngsters. If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you can't schedule love.
Dr. Cox: I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.

Dr. Kelso: What do you want, Perry?
Dr. Cox: Bob, enough with the stinkin' budget cuts already.
Dr. Kelso: Noted. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to fire someone.
Dr. Cox: Oh, baloney, old man!
Dr. Kelso: I have to cut $27,000 from the cafeteria budget, and my idea of getting it all back by charging 100 bucks for a piece of cake went right out the window when fat Frank decided to go on that power diet.
Frank: I lost over 230 pounds so far.
Dr. Kelso: I don't know why he keeps wearing those pants.