Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘My Porcelain God’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Porcelain God

313. My Porcelain God

Aired February 17, 2004

J.D. and Dr. Casey (Michael J. Fox) discover the janitor has installed a toilet on the roof, which becomes the scene of epiphanies for the hospital staff. After Dr. Kelso closes down an entire wing of the hospital, Dr. Cox and Carla get revenge by using Kelso's office as a patient room. J.D. is hurt to find out he wasn't Turk's first choice for best man. After Elliot loses her confidence following trouble intubating a patient, she feels like the only person who Dr. Casey hasn't helped.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Hey, ace. I want you to find my gardener, Hector, a room. He has a mild case of cellulitis, and I need him in tip-top shape by the weekend. I'm having my annual lawn-bowling tournament, and if anyone but Hector cuts my grass, my game goes to heck in a hand-basket.
Dr. Cox: Dammit all, Bob, you know we don't have an extra bed in this dump.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met.

Rate

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Well, I better get to work before all the good patients are taken.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: You ever think there's more to Dr. Kelso than we know?
Dr. Cox: Sure, is he in fact a latex-encased robot with real human hair and a circuit board where his heart should be? I can't- I can't rule that out.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: Now, your patients on this wing have all been complaining about odd noises.
Dr. Casey: Oh, if it's a "bink" I can explain.
Dr. Kelso: It isn't "bink"! Stop saying "bink"!
J.D.: Was it [sings] "I come from the land down under! Where women glow and men plunder!" That wasn't me.
Dr. Kelso: Just figure it out, dammit!
Dr. Casey: Do you plunder?
J.D.: I have been known to plunder. What's that noise he's talking about? [toilet flushes]

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: That, my friends, is a roof toilet.
Dr. Casey: I'm sorry, you said that like it's a normal thing.
J.D.: Careful with this guy, he's uh...
Janitor: Hey, you're the guy that's been using up all my soap.
Dr. Casey: Yeah, I've got OCD.
Janitor: Really!? My grandpa had that. Every morning he'd take a gym sock, fill it up with nickels, and just beat us! [laughs] That's OCD, right?
J.D.: The bad kind.
Dr. Casey: Who would use this thing?
J.D.: You kiddin'? Oh, man. Just picture yourself, you're standing out here, in the open air, then you sit down and you take stock of your life. I've had some major epiphanies on this old girl. See, you can't do any soul-searching down there on those germ-infested crappers.
J.D.: [v.o.] Damn him. He's right.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So tell me, is it harder being a surgeon or a doctor?
Dr. Casey: Oh, definitely a surgeon. 'cause when you tell people that a loved one died, you have to do that thing where you pull your surgical mask down and you shake your head. If you do it too fast, it says, you know, I knew he was gonna die. And if you take too long and pause with it, it gives 'em false hope. So you have to do it perfectly. "Ah, damn."
Elliot: If one of my loved ones ever dies, I hope it's because of you.
Dr. Casey: Hey, me too.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Janitor: Tell me you're not waiting to use my roof toilet.
Nurse Roberts: Well, I would use Dr. Kelso's like I normally do, but I don't wanna wake up Hector.

Quote from Ted

Ted: "Furthermore, if Sacred Heart Elementary for Girls does not change its name posthaste"- I thought that was a nice touch. "Legal action will be taken, posthaste." Wait, that's wrong.
Dr. Kelso: Shocker.

Quote from Ted

Hector: [Spanish: "I hope I'm not causing Dr. Kelso any trouble."]
Carla: [Spanish: "Oh, screw him, he ate your sandwich."]
Ted: I forget is "que se joda", "kill him" or "screw him"?
Both: "Screw him."
Ted: Aw.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: The point is, it doesn't seem like he hates Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Say- Say, Bobbo, is it possible that you're occasionally a decent human being in your life outside of this place?
Dr. Kelso: Well, champ, seeing as you don't exist in my life outside this place, I doubt it's any of your damn business.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm running a little late this morning, but that's okay because I've been working with Dr. Casey the last few weeks. You see, he has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and he likes to start each day the same way...
Dr. Casey: Bink. Bink.
J.D.: [v.o.] Bink by touching everything in his first patient's room.
Dr. Casey: Bink, bink bink, bink, bink bink Bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink.
Dr. Kelso: Good morning, doctors.
J.D.: [v.o.] He touches everything.
Dr. Casey: [touching Kelso's nose] Bink.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, okay. I suppose that's how they say good morning in Cuckoo Town.
Dr. Casey: Pretty much. Bink.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: And get this, he calls it his "epiphany toilet".
Elliot: Yeah, you couldn't pay me to poop on the roof.
Turk: No one's offering.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You're like Dr. Casey. I think he said using that toilet would be like his Everest.
[flashback:]
Dr. Casey: Using that toilet would be my Everest. [they hold hands]
[present:]
J.D.: Yep, that's what he said.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: [quietly] Ask him.
Turk: [quietly] Why?
Carla: [normally] J.D., Turk wants to ask you something, and it would mean a lot to the both of us if you said yes.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God! Would I have a threesome with Turk and Carla? Well, it's certainly flattering, and I don't think they'd tell anyone.
Turk: Will you be my best man?
J.D.: Oh.
Turk: Huh?
J.D.: I mean, yeah! Of course!

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: So is this, like, the best moment you guys have ever had?
[flashback to J.D. making a bowl of cereal:]
J.D.: A decoder ring. Heh. Turk!
Turk: What?
J.D.: It finally happened.
Turk: A double-prizer?
[J.D. and Turk celebrate]
[present:]
J.D.: That was awesome.
Carla: You guys realize you're doctors, right?
J.D.: Double secret decoder ring-wearing doctors.
Both: Activate.
J.D.: Form of an ice menorah!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] The reason I'm gurney surfing - aside from the fact that it's totally bitchin is that Kelso shut down this whole wing.
Turk: Dude, I gotta go.
J.D.: Oh, no! [crashes] Oh!
J.D.: [v.o.] You see, a census said that hospital admissions dropped in February. The census was wrong.
Carla: Dr. Kelso! Where are we gonna fit these people? They're all sick!
Dr. Kelso: It's not my job to take care of sick people.
Dr. Cox: "Bob Kelso - Healer".
Dr. Kelso: Closing that wing saves us about sixty thousand dollars a month. You got that on you?

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: [v.o.] It's weird how much Dr. Casey has influenced me in such a short time.
J.D.: Bink!
Nurse Roberts: Hey! Bink you!

Quote from Todd

Elliot: What's he doing?
Turk: He's writing Dr. Casey a thank-you card.
Todd: I could use a little help here.
Turk: Todd, surgeon is spelled "-g-e-o-n"? And, uh, there are two Ds in "Todd".

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [whistles] I'm sorry, does [whistles] mean stare at me like jackasses or does it mean get the hell over here?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Newbie, it turns out I, uh, I do have some best man advice. Go easy on the mascara in case you cry during your toast. And if you're gonna chase after the bouquet with all of the other girls, make sure you kick off your pumps so you don't snap one of those chicken ankles of yours.
J.D.: Thanks. Thanks for coming back.

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode