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42Quotes from ‘My Office’

Scrubs: My Office

402. My Office

Aired September 7, 2004

Elliot decides to throw her hat in the ring for the position of Chief Resident, competing with J.D. After a patient of theirs doesn't need surgery, Turk steals Dr. Cox's chance to finally give good news. Carla is upset that her friends are turning to Dr. Molly Clock (Heather Graham) for advice. Meanwhile, Dr. Kelso wants Dr. Cox to deal with a young man with a light bulb stuck up his butt.

Quote from Doug

Carla: So, what are you guys gonna do now that your residencies are over?
Doug: Oh, I'm still a resident. Yeah, Dr. Kelso said I'm the first medical resident to repeat his third year in the entire history of the hospital!
Carla: That's a bad thing, Doug.
Doug: Oh, I'm staying positive.

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Quote from Elliot

Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: It's 3 o'clock! 3 o'clock's when you announce the new chief resident, so we thought you might want-
Dr. Cox: Barbie, you're chief resident.
J.D.: [high-pitched laugh] Very funny!
Dr. Cox: So not joking.
Elliot: Oh, my God, now I know how Liza Minelli felt! When she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, how ya doin'?
J.D.: [v.o.] Keep it together. It's be a man time.
J.D.: No, no. I totally understand. Come on, you did what you had to do. You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though. Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love? Who's gonna tell my mom? And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards!? [throws cards up in the air]
Dr. Cox: Yeah, Scarlett? You're chief resident, too.
J.D.: Uh, what now?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, together the two of you make one barely passable doctor... slash labradoodle.
J.D.: Wait, so, if we're both gonna be chief residents, why didn't you just say that from the beginning?
Dr. Cox: What, and miss your hall of fame hissy? Not on your life. Walk with me.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: So what do you think, Perry?
Dr. Cox: I don't know what to tell you, there, Bobbo. Either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: Doug wanted me to give this patient five hundred thousand milligrams of Morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I killed a man.
J.D.: Unbelievable, Doug.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I was a little nervous today. Maybe it was because I had no idea who this guy on the back of my bike was.
Man: See ya tomorrow!
J.D.: Will do.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or maybe I was nervous because at 3 o'clock, Dr. Cox was gonna name me the new chief resident. How do I know? Well, for one thing, I'm the only one who applied. But I'm also the only one who's truly focused enough to... Oh God!
[later:]
Turk: So lemme get this straight: You crashed in to their truck and they just drive you to work?
J.D.: Well, we didn't come straight here.
[flashback to J.D. wearing a back brace as he helps a guy lift a couch:]
J.D.: Come on, Dorian. You gotta want it!
[present:]
Turk: Hold up. They made you move furniture?
J.D.: It wasn't all bad.
[flashback to J.D. and the moving men jumping up and down on bubble wrap:]
J.D.: Bubble wrap! Bubble wrap! Bubble wrap!

Quote from J.D.

Turk: You okay, buddy?
J.D.: [v.o.] I just needed to talk to someone.
[later, J.D. chats with the moving men:]
Frank: Tough break, J.D. You've dreamed of being chief resident ever since you were a little boy growing up in Troutwood, Ohio.
J.D.: [v.o.] What? How does he know that?
J.D.: Thanks, Frank. [pops bubblewrap]

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: That young man's father is very important.
Dr. Cox: Don't tell me. He donated a wing.
Dr. Kelso: He donated a wing, a thigh, and a breast.
J.D.: Sir?
Dr. Kelso: Yes, genius, in this metaphor, the hospital is a chicken.
J.D.: Please, sir, I totally get that.
J.D.: [v.o.] How could a hospital be a chicken?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Molly Clock: Anyway, this morning Dr. Kelso told me that since psychiatrists are the Wal-Mart greeters of medicine that I need to start publishing a paper to earn my keep. So I'm gonna do this study about conflict resolution between hospital personnel and I was wondering if I could observe you?
Dr. Cox: Look, "Doctor," us real doctors are here to work, so there's not a whole lot of conflict. Now, my day is already bad enough on account of I gotta tell Mr. Roman that he... That... Oh, my God. Mr. Roman doesn't need to have surgery. I ne-hever get to give good news!
Dr. Molly Clock: Subject elongates words when excited!

Quote from Doug

Dr. Kelso: Maybe I wasn't clear. This patient is important. Translation: Don't pass him off to dumb guy.
Doug: Sir, I take issue with that.
Dr. Kelso: Son, you were gathering a group of large orderlies to get the lightbulb out of the patient by doing what?
Doug: Shaking him like a beach towel.
Dr. Kelso: Goodbye.

Quote from Todd

Dr. Kelso: Last chance, Perry. Fix this kid. I paged a surgical consult.
Dr. Cox: 'Course you did.
Todd: Heard this guy's got a lightbulb up his ass.
Dr. Cox: Are are you the- the surgical consult?
Todd: No, I'm not even working today. I just want to ask him four questions.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess the only thing to do when you're in the middle of it is to hope that nothing makes it worse.
Janitor: Cleaning time! Don't worry, I'll go fast. [sprays]
J.D.: [groans]
Janitor: Whoop, that one got away.
J.D.: It burns!
Janitor: Ammonia burns? Hm. Write that down.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: So, why don't you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives.
Turk: What crowd? I thought nobody wanted to take the case?
Dr. Cox: At first. But now that it's become a bit of a hospital mystery, every jackass in the joint is going to want to come in here and give their two cents worth.
[montage:]
Dr. Mickhead: If we could just find the lamp the bulb came from.
Doctor: Leon's trained to retrieve things.
Dr. Zeltzer: That's why my wife and I use candles.
Turk: Zeltzer, you are hands-down the most disturbing man I've ever met in my life.
Dr. Zeltzer: Oh, stop it. Hey, are you and your wife open-minded?


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