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44Quotes from ‘My Number One Doctor’

Scrubs: My Number One Doctor

706. My Number One Doctor

Aired December 6, 2007

After Dr. Kelso signs the hospital up for a website which lets patients rate their doctors, Dr. Cox and Turk are jealous when J.D. rockets to first place. Meanwhile, Carla can't believe the Janitor attracted a woman like Lady, and Elliot treats a terminal patient who has made her peace with dying.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Someone named Coco Bosco wrote that she's sick of me saying "That's what I'm talking about!" But sometimes it is what I'm talking about.

Rate

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You don't usually bond with your patients. You're not changing who you are as a doctor to get good ratings, are you?
Turk: Hell to the no. Are you?
Dr. Cox: [laughs] Oh, please!
[later:]
Dr. Cox: So, you're declining chemo because Wikipedia says that a raw food diet reverses the effects of bone cancer. Well... Hey, any info you have that I can pass on to my other patients would just be super. An, by the by, while you're on your computer, perhaps you could jump over to a little site called RateYourDoc.org. O, R, G.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Mr. Wolmer: There, I gave you 5 stars.
Dr. Cox: Thank you! And now I have to take your laptop from you, as I've deemed you're just too darn stupid to use it. You see those bell peppers that you're munching? They aren't gonna do a truck load of jack against the cancer raging inside of your body. Of course, I've only been a doctor for some 20 years, and the person who wrote that Wikipedia entry also authored the Battlestar Galactica episode guide, so what the heck do I know? But, if you feel like living, page me.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: Tell me this. Do you like her?
Janitor: Well, I've never met her before. But no. In fact, I may hate her.
Carla: I'm talking about Lady. If you like her, you can't keep lying to her about who you are.
Dr. Kelso: Hogwash. Lie forever. It's the natural form of communication between men and women. Hell, Enid still thinks it's too snowy to go outside. I spray the windows with shaving cream to keep her out of the yard. The weelchair tears up the grass.

Quote from Janitor

Lady: Oh, hi. Are we going out? What's with the jumpsuit?
Janitor: Oh. Okay, first of all if we're gonna make it, not a jumpsuit. Shirt, belt, pants.
Lady: Oh. Ok.
Janitor: Secondly, I think it's time that you knew the real me. All right, here we go. I'm not like normal people. I don't have superpowers, but I'm working on it. For instance, watch me move this pen. [looks at pen, which doesn't move] It worked at home. I don't know. Maybe my table is slanted. Um, anyway, in my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get the idea. Circle of life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.
Dr. Kelso: Ha! I love a good train wreck.
Janitor: Furthermore, I think if you look closely a monkey-
Carla: Stop it, you. She doesn't know you're joking.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: I do declare, spendin' special relationary time with my girlfriend makes me happier than a bullfrog in a beetle bin.
Carla: Why are you talking like that?
Janitor: 'Cause I'm smitten with my girlfriend, Lady, and this is my smitten voice. Well, what voice do you use when you're smitten?
Carla: My normal voice.
Janitor: You know, you hide it well. But you're a very strange person. Ma'am.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Quick announcement. I have signed Sacred Heart up for a web site called RateYourDoc.org, where patients can evaluate and score their doctors. I think it's gonna lead to better patient care. And if along the way, you all become paranoid and overly competitive, happy birthday to me.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Why are you guys so obsessed with re-living everything you won?
Dr. Cox: 'Cause we're winners. That's what winners do.
J.D.: [v.o.] Back to Turk for confirmation. [Turk nods] Dammit!
Dr. Cox: If you'd ever won anything, you'd know what we're talking about.
J.D.: Oh, I've won something, Perry.
[flashback to J.D. on the shoulders of a bunch of jocks:]
Jock: We threw our nerd further than yours.
J.D.: Suck it, bitch! Guys, I think their nerd is unconscious. We should probably roll him over.
[present:]
J.D.: That's the moment I realized I wanted to be a doctor.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I became a doctor to save lives, heal wounds, and occasionally drop the M.D. bomb to pull hot tail in bars.
Dr. Kelso: You know what else works? Cosmonaut. Try it. Thank me later.
J.D.: [v.o.] Noted.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Oh, I reckon my Lady's as purty as a porcupine on roller skates.
Carla: That doesn't even make sense.
Janitor: That's what we smitten folk call a metaphor. You, young lady, have a head as empty as a whippoorwill in a tub of moonshine. [chuckles] There you go.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: He's out of his freakin' mind. How does that woman go out with him?
Dr. Kelso: Well, I would say love is blind, but we both know that isn't true. My love for Enid falls a percentage point for every pound she gains. Since our wedding day, I am 136% less in love with her.
Carla: You're really gonna comment on your wife's weight when you've got muffins stuffed down your pants?
Dr. Kelso: I like them warm.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: So, you'll never believe this. Lady is normal.
Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry. Did you also win free muffins for life? I didn't think so. Now, let me read the final Harry Potter novel in peace.
Carla: Everyone's already read that.
Dr. Kelso: Yes, but if anyone divulges any details to me what happens, Murphy?
Doug: You draw Harry Potter glasses on their face in permanent marker.
Dr. Kelso: That's right.

Quote from Todd

J.D.: [v.o.] The Rate-your-doc website also had a comment section.
Dr. Cox: Come on! "What's up with Dr. Cox's hair? One week he's bald, the next week he looks like Shirley Temple." Signed Michelle M.?
Todd: Oh, it's called RateYourDoc.org. I'm on a completely different more awesome site. See?
Turk: Whoa!

Quote from Doug

J.D.: Can I borrow your laptop just for a second? Please? Thank you. Yep! Still number one! Now to put the cursor back on Dr. Turk who's lower down on the ranking list. Scrolling down, scrolling, scrolling, fake watch, scrolling, scrolling, there he is. All the way at the bottom! Right above Doctor Murphy here.
Doug: How can I be the last? All my patients are dead.
J.D.: Doug, do you remember that guy you put in the morgue drawer? Turns out he was just heavily sedated.
Doug: Oh, yeah, you're right! All the comments are from him.

Quote from Janitor

Carla: Until you let Lady know the real you, your relationship is not real, and it's going to end.
Janitor: [British accent] I don't want it to end.
Dr. Kelso: That's his sad voice.
Carla: Oh!

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Look, man, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
[fantasy:]
Turk: Here you go, buddy! Your very own unicorn.
J.D.: She's glorious!
[The unicorn head comes off to reveal pair of twins in a costume]
J.D.: Turk!
Turk: My bad. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
[fantasy in a fantasy:]
Turk: Here's your unicorn.
J.D.: Turk, she's beautiful! Oh, look at her mane. [the horn comes off] Turk!
Turk: I gotta tell you, unicorns aren't real.
J.D.: Stop it!
Turk: They're not real.
[reality:]
J.D.: There's nothing you can do.


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