Turk: Someone named Coco Bosco wrote that she's sick of me saying "That's what I'm talking about!" But sometimes it is what I'm talking about.

Dr. Cox: You don't usually bond with your patients. You're not changing who you are as a doctor to get good ratings, are you?
Turk: Hell to the no. Are you?
Dr. Cox: [laughs] Oh, please!
[later:]
Dr. Cox: So, you're declining chemo because Wikipedia says that a raw food diet reverses the effects of bone cancer. Well... Hey, any info you have that I can pass on to my other patients would just be super. An, by the by, while you're on your computer, perhaps you could jump over to a little site called RateYourDoc.org. O, R, G.

Mr. Wolmer: There, I gave you 5 stars.
Dr. Cox: Thank you! And now I have to take your laptop from you, as I've deemed you're just too darn stupid to use it. You see those bell peppers that you're munching? They aren't gonna do a truck load of jack against the cancer raging inside of your body. Of course, I've only been a doctor for some 20 years, and the person who wrote that Wikipedia entry also authored the Battlestar Galactica episode guide, so what the heck do I know? But, if you feel like living, page me.

Carla: Tell me this. Do you like her?
Janitor: Well, I've never met her before. But no. In fact, I may hate her.
Carla: I'm talking about Lady. If you like her, you can't keep lying to her about who you are.
Dr. Kelso: Hogwash. Lie forever. It's the natural form of communication between men and women. Hell, Enid still thinks it's too snowy to go outside. I spray the windows with shaving cream to keep her out of the yard. The weelchair tears up the grass.

Lady: Oh, hi. Are we going out? What's with the jumpsuit?
Janitor: Oh. Okay, first of all if we're gonna make it, not a jumpsuit. Shirt, belt, pants.
Lady: Oh. Ok.
Janitor: Secondly, I think it's time that you knew the real me. All right, here we go. I'm not like normal people. I don't have superpowers, but I'm working on it. For instance, watch me move this pen. [looks at pen, which doesn't move] It worked at home. I don't know. Maybe my table is slanted. Um, anyway, in my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get the idea. Circle of life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.
Dr. Kelso: Ha! I love a good train wreck.
Janitor: Furthermore, I think if you look closely a monkey-
Carla: Stop it, you. She doesn't know you're joking.

Janitor: I do declare, spendin' special relationary time with my girlfriend makes me happier than a bullfrog in a beetle bin.
Carla: Why are you talking like that?
Janitor: 'Cause I'm smitten with my girlfriend, Lady, and this is my smitten voice. Well, what voice do you use when you're smitten?
Carla: My normal voice.
Janitor: You know, you hide it well. But you're a very strange person. Ma'am.

Dr. Kelso: Quick announcement. I have signed Sacred Heart up for a web site called RateYourDoc.org, where patients can evaluate and score their doctors. I think it's gonna lead to better patient care. And, if along the way, you all become paranoid and overly competitive, happy birthday to me.

J.D.: Why are you guys so obsessed with re-living everything you won?
Dr. Cox: 'Cause we're winners. That's what winners do.
J.D.: [v.o.] Back to Turk for confirmation. [Turk nods] Dammit!
Dr. Cox: If you'd ever won anything, you'd know what we're talking about.
J.D.: Oh, I've won something, Perry.
[flashback to J.D. on the shoulders of a bunch of jocks:]
Jock: We threw our nerd further than yours.
J.D.: Suck it, bitch! Guys, I think their nerd is unconscious. We should probably roll him over.
[present:]
J.D.: That's the moment I realized I wanted to be a doctor.

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I became a doctor to save lives, heal wounds, and occasionally drop the M.D. bomb to pull hot tail in bars.
Dr. Kelso: You know what else works? Cosmonaut. Try it. Thank me later.
J.D.: [v.o.] Noted.

Janitor: Oh, I reckon my Lady's as purty as a porcupine on roller skates.
Carla: That doesn't even make sense.
Janitor: That's what we smitten folk call a metaphor. You, young lady, have a head as empty as a whippoorwill in a tub of moonshine. [chuckles] There you go.