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36Quotes from ‘My Dumb Luck’

Scrubs: My Dumb Luck

709. My Dumb Luck

Aired April 24, 2008

As his mandatory retirement date approaches, Dr. Kelso gets nostalgic about his time at Sacred Heart. Meanwhile, Carla and Elliot lead a push to save Dr. Kelso's job, while J.D. and Turk solve a mystery illness in one of Dr. Cox's patients.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: So, have you killed anyone yet?
Boon: What? No.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you will.
Boon: Super.
Dr. Kelso: It's a rite of passage for doctors. If you're lucky, it'll be a patient who's on his way out anyway. My first kill was a 19-year-old girl. She came in with severe abdominal pain. I thought it was appendicitis. Turned out, she was pregnant and didn't know it. It was ectopic and she was bleeding internally. I should have checked for that. But by the time I discovered my mistake, it was too late. Sometimes I look at this old hospital, I actually see the faces of all the patients I've lost. Booga, booga, booga!
Boon: Aah!
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] Priceless. But I do see them sometimes.

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: I feel like I've given my life to this place and got nothing in return. I mean, is there an MRI machine in my basement? Maybe. I guess I just wanted to end my career on my own terms, you know?

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Okay, I'll support Kelso. But in return, I want you to put me in a full body cast and take me to the airport. I'll explain later.
Carla: Why would we do that?
Janitor: Because I'm the bigger's mover/shaker in this dump. Come on.
Elliot: You handle this. And be nice.
Carla: All right. Are you familiar with the term "delusions of grandeur"?
Janitor: I believe I coined that term. Look, I'm a simple, unassuming janitor who can control people's actions with his mind. Observe. Explode! If that would have worked, it would have freaked you out. You'd have loved it! Fall. [an elderly person falls over] Hello?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, Mr. Mandelbaum.
Boon: Um, shouldn't we stop him?
Dr. Kelso: Nah, the security guard will keep him out of traffic. You know, when I was an intern, they made us work 60 hours shifts. Yeah, quite a few colleagues got drummed out because they couldn't cope. The rest of us were so sleep-deprived we could barely manage to stay sane. I'll never forget the day we caught Seth Finkel gently cradling a cadaver head which he swore belonged to his ex-girlfriend, Millie. [laughs] A year later Seth actually did kill Millie. Ironically, Millie donated her body to science and that spring, we caught another intern cradling her dead head. [chuckles] Life's little cycles. Oh, boy, that was almost 40 years ago.
Boon: Sir!
Mr. Mandelbaum: [blocking traffic] Honk! Honk, honk! Honk honk honk!
Dr. Kelso: You tell 'em, Mandelbaum!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: You know, those two remind me of a couple of dogs I had when I was a boy. JoJo and Spike. One day, JoJo got his head stuck in the mailbox, and Spike went over to try to help him and got his head wedged in there, too. And they both suffocated. They were extremely dumb animals, but close.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: 1985 was gonna be my year. Reaganomics was in full swing, Enid's implants hadn't exploded yet. And best of all, they made me Chief of Medicine, so I was the king, right? Wrongo. I realized fast that in order to keep this whole place going, I had to make one unpopular decision after another, regardless of who hated me for it. And that was a lonely realization, son. And here comes my biggest fan.
Dr. Cox: Bob, there is finally a diagnosis on Mr. McCray. He has Acute Intermittent Porphyria. Now, his insurance company wants him discharged immediately, I'd like to fudge the paperwork a little bit, keep him around longer and teach him how to manage his disease.
Dr. Kelso: No.
Dr. Cox: I realize that your heart is made up mostly of muffin bits, the souls of little babies, and the denture grip you swallow every time you suck your teeth to get out the muffin bits and baby souls stuck in there, but what do you care? You're not even going to be around anymore!
Dr. Kelso: Dammit, I'm still Chief! Now, if you wanna fudge the paperwork, I want a promise from you that you will publish a paper on the case. Deal?
Dr. Cox: Uh, deal.
Dr. Kelso: He'll never publish a paper on that case. He knows just how to play me. Sure, he likes to pretend that I win more than he does, but he walks away victorious more often than not.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Board Member: Well, Bob, your employees really stood by you. They pointed out to the board that-
Mr. Mandelbaum: Hey.
Board Member: Well, you run a tight ship. And actually, we'd like you to stay on.
Dr. Kelso: Girls, thank you for saving my job. The one thing I wanted was to end things on my own terms, and since you're letting me, you can shove it up your ass, Rodney. I'm out of here.
[Dr. Kelso takes the portrait of himself]
Dr. Kelso: I'm taking this with me, dammit. Thanks for everything, Ted. Sincerely.
Ted: You're welcome, sir.
Elliot: I'm wonder if he even cared about this place at all.
Boon: Yeah. He did.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Since the geriatric wing was being remodeled, Turk were herding old people to their new rooms.
J.D.: That's a closet, Mr. Jenkins. Come on, Mr. Benedetti, you're only a few thousand tiny steps away.
Turk: J.D., we need to find a way to move these gomers faster.
[fantasy: J.D. leads the old people on a miniature train as The O'Jays "Love Train" plays:]
J.D.: All aboard! The love train.
[reality:]
J.D.: That was a fun fantasy. I wish it didn't have to end.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Hey. That's a nice jacket, Ted. What is it, wool?
Ted: It's a poly-nylon blend do you really like it?
Dr. Kelso: No. Bathroom's just out of paper towels.

Quote from Ted

[As Turk and J.D. hug:]
Ted: I need one of those.
J.D.: A hug?
Ted: No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.
Turk: I should be offended, but he's right.
J.D.: Why are you so gloomy? I thought you'd be super-psyched that Kelso's being forced out of his job.
Ted: [flatly] Dr. Kelso's being forced out? I did not know that. Will you excuse me for a moment?
[later: a giddy Ted runs through the corridors and into the parking lot naked:]
Ted: I'm free! I'm free! I'm beautiful and I'm free! I'm free! Give me some sugar! It's finally over! I'm free!
[Ted is hit by the Janitor's van]
Janitor: Holy cow! Buddy, are you all right? Ted? Are you not talking 'cause your mouth is filling up with blood? You're gonna pass out, aren't you? Oh, boy there he goes. Yipes.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] At certain times in our lives, we all get introspective.
Dr. Kelso: Taking it all in, too? Why don't you have a seat, son?
Boon: Actually, sir, um, my shift is bout to start, so I should...
Dr. Kelso: Son, I don't care if the cure for cancer was laughter and you had Nipsey Russell in your backpack. Park it! I want to get all nostalgic, crap.
Boon: What's that strange red puddle loosing towards us?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that's just Ted's blood. Apparently he bit of a chunk of his tongue. Anyway, when I started here, I was only 26.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I keep thinking about Kelso. He reminds me of my grandpa. He's pervy, demeaning, and a eensy bit racist, but you crave his love anyway, because he smells like peppermint.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Dr. Cox we're sorry. Don't worry tough. Turk and I are gonna help you diagnose this patient.
Dr. Cox: That's terrific, because I'm so darn lost, I just keep procrastinating. I check my emails, I pick up a copy of Us Weekly to see which of my favorite celebs is bringing back the fedora. It's Johnny Depp, by the way.
J.D.: He doesn't think we could help.
Turk: I'd look good in a fedora.
J.D.: Turk, focus. We're being insulted. I'm tired of your not focusing when someone insults us. It ends up all on me.
Dr. Cox: Hey, if you really wanna be useful make like an orderly and take that urine sample down to the lab.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Hey, slick. Will you come to the board meeting tonight to help Dr. Kelso?
Dr. Cox: Now, why on Earth would I do that?
Carla: For some reason she thinks if you call a man "slick" he'll do anything for you.
Elliot: It also works on lesbians, so...
Carla: Come on! You know that deep down inside, you're okay with Kelso running this place.
Dr. Kelso: Deep down, I hate Bob Kelso and wish he would die painfully.
Butch Woman: Here's the research you wanted.
Elliot: Thanks, slick.

Quote from Janitor

Elliot: We don't need Dr. Cox. You know, we'll round up everyone else, and not just the doctors, we'll get all the non-medical personal too.
Carla: Good idea. Ted, who would you say is the leader of the support staff? [Ted points towards the Janitor]
Janitor: Well, well. Look who has come crawling back, through the desert of shame to the oasis of hope. Begging for just one sip of cool Janitor forgiveness. Well, the answer's no.
Elliot: Please, Janitor!
Janitor: All right, I'm in. Doggone it, I cannot resist that adorable mug of yours. I would have to throw a cup of acid on it to keep it from having power over me. Grr.

Quote from J.D.

Boon: Sir, my shift started two hours ago. I should really go.
Dr. Kelso: You know, there are some things I sure as hell will not miss about this place, like how more often than not, medical skills doesn't matter. It all comes down to dumb luck.
[meanwhile:]
J.D.: Okay, I'm googling "purple pee".
Turk: Google that bitch.
J.D.: That's it. We left it in the sun! If urine exposed to U.V. light turns purple, it's a sign of a rare genetic disorder called "Acute Intermittent Porphyria".
Turk: Symptoms includes bloating, high blood pressure, seizures... Cox's patient has all of those. We figured it out. One, two, three...
Both: In his face!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Or how every day in this place is made up of little battles.
Boon: Or how around here, once the ball starts rolling there's not much you can do to... Sorry, Sir, did you have another?
Dr. Kelso: Or how around here, once the ball starts rolling there's not much you can do to stop it.
Elliot: He's outta here.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Or how patients don't appreciate their doctors anymore. Or how medical skill doesn't matter, it's all just a dumb luck.
Boon: Oh, you already said that one, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Son, my blood sugar is low, and unless you have a candy bar in that gay little napsack of yours, shut it! Or how if you get to the cafeteria past five, they're always out of pies.

Quote from Turk

[As Dr. Cox sits down at their table, Turk and J.D. are beatboxing the Scrubs theme tune]
Dr. Cox: What the hell is this? What's the occasion? Did Barbie finally wax her tiny annoying mustache?
Elliot: Stop saying mean things about me, I'm not even talking to you.
J.D.: We diagnosed your patient, buddy. He's got Acute Intermittent Porphyria.
Dr. Cox: What?
Turk: If it makes you feel any better, it did almost take us three hours.
Dr. Cox: Oh, for the love of God.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Even though I knew it was coming, eventually, it still shocked me when the board said I had to leave Sacred Heart. But you know that, don't don't you? You've been sitting here listening to me yap all day. By the way, what's your name, son?
Boon: Boon, Sir.
Dr. Kelso: My God, what a ridiculous name. Boon. Boon. My name is Boon. Well, I guess you should go, Boon.
Boon: Really? Thank you, Sir. So... So you think my next 20 years here will be a nightmare?
Dr. Kelso: No. I think you'll love it.

Quote from Janitor

Jordan: The board meeting is just about to start. It's only the three of you?
Janitor: I'll probably say a few words as well. Mostly about the potential of mind control in modern medicine.
Jordan: Oh, this should go well.


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