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My Dumb Luck

‘My Dumb Luck’

Season 7, Episode 9 -  Aired April 24, 2008

As his mandatory retirement date approaches, Dr. Kelso gets nostalgic about his time at Sacred Heart. Meanwhile, Carla and Elliot lead a push to save Dr. Kelso's job, while J.D. and Turk solve a mystery illness in one of Dr. Cox's patients.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: So, have you killed anyone yet?
Boon: What? No.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you will.
Boon: Super.
Dr. Kelso: It's a rite of passage for doctors. If you're lucky, it'll be a patient who's on his way out anyway. My first kill was a 19-year-old girl. She came in with severe abdominal pain. I thought it was appendicitis. Turned out, she was pregnant and didn't know it. It was ectopic and she was bleeding internally. I should have checked for that. But by the time I discovered my mistake, it was too late. Sometimes I look at this old hospital, I actually see the faces of all the patients I've lost. Booga, booga, booga!
Boon: Aah!
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] Priceless. But I do see them sometimes.


Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: I feel like I've given my life to this place and got nothing in return. I mean, is there an MRI machine in my basement? Maybe. I guess I just wanted to end my career on my own terms, you know?

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Okay, I'll support Kelso. But in return, I want you to put me in a full body cast and take me to the airport. I'll explain later.
Carla: Why would we do that?
Janitor: Because I'm the bigger's mover/shaker in this dump. Come on.
Elliot: You handle this. And be nice.
Carla: All right. Are you familiar with the term "delusions of grandeur"?
Janitor: I believe I coined that term. Look, I'm a simple, unassuming janitor who can control people's actions with his mind. Observe. Explode! If that would have worked, it would have freaked you out. You'd have loved it! Fall. [an elderly person falls over] Hello?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, Mr. Mandelbaum.
Boon: Um, shouldn't we stop him?
Dr. Kelso: Nah, the security guard will keep him out of traffic. You know, when I was an intern, they made us work 60 hours shifts. Yeah, quite a few colleagues got drummed out because they couldn't cope. The rest of us were so sleep-deprived we could barely manage to stay sane. I'll never forget the day we caught Seth Finkel gently cradling a cadaver head which he swore belonged to his ex-girlfriend, Millie. [laughs] A year later Seth actually did kill Millie. Ironically, Millie donated her body to science and that spring, we caught another intern cradling her dead head. [chuckles] Life's little cycles. Oh, boy, that was almost 40 years ago.
Boon: Sir!
Mr. Mandelbaum: [blocking traffic] Honk! Honk, honk! Honk honk honk!
Dr. Kelso: You tell 'em, Mandelbaum!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: You know, those two remind me of a couple of dogs I had when I was a boy. JoJo and Spike. One day, JoJo got his head stuck in the mailbox, and Spike went over to try to help him and got his head wedged in there, too. And they both suffocated. They were extremely dumb animals, but close.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: 1985 was gonna be my year. Reaganomics was in full swing, Enid's implants hadn't exploded yet. And best of all, they made me Chief of Medicine, so I was the king, right? Wrongo. I realized fast that in order to keep this whole place going, I had to make one unpopular decision after another, regardless of who hated me for it. And that was a lonely realization, son. And here comes my biggest fan.
Dr. Cox: Bob, there is finally a diagnosis on Mr. McCray. He has Acute Intermittent Porphyria. Now, his insurance company wants him discharged immediately, I'd like to fudge the paperwork a little bit, keep him around longer and teach him how to manage his disease.
Dr. Kelso: No.
Dr. Cox: I realize that your heart is made up mostly of muffin bits, the souls of little babies, and the denture grip you swallow every time you suck your teeth to get out the muffin bits and baby souls stuck in there, but what do you care? You're not even going to be around anymore!
Dr. Kelso: Dammit, I'm still Chief! Now, if you wanna fudge the paperwork, I want a promise from you that you will publish a paper on the case. Deal?
Dr. Cox: Uh, deal.
Dr. Kelso: He'll never publish a paper on that case. He knows just how to play me. Sure, he likes to pretend that I win more than he does, but he walks away victorious more often than not.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Board Member: Well, Bob, your employees really stood by you. They pointed out to the board that-
Mr. Mandelbaum: Hey.
Board Member: Well, you run a tight ship. And actually, we'd like you to stay on.
Dr. Kelso: Girls, thank you for saving my job. The one thing I wanted was to end things on my own terms, and since you're letting me, you can shove it up your ass, Rodney. I'm out of here.
[Dr. Kelso takes the portrait of himself]
Dr. Kelso: I'm taking this with me, dammit. Thanks for everything, Ted. Sincerely.
Ted: You're welcome, sir.
Elliot: I'm wonder if he even cared about this place at all.
Boon: Yeah. He did.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Since the geriatric wing was being remodeled, Turk and I were herding old people to their new rooms.
J.D.: That's a closet, Mr. Jenkins. Come on, Mr. Benedetti, you're only a few thousand tiny steps away.
Turk: J.D., we need to find a way to move these gomers faster.
[fantasy: J.D. leads the old people on a miniature train as The O'Jays "Love Train" plays:]
J.D.: All aboard! The love train.
J.D.: That was a fun fantasy. I wish it didn't have to end.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Hey. That's a nice jacket, Ted. What is it, wool?
Ted: It's a poly-nylon blend do you really like it?
Dr. Kelso: No. Bathroom's just out of paper towels.

Quote from Ted

[As Turk and J.D. hug:]
Ted: I need one of those.
J.D.: A hug?
Ted: No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.
Turk: I should be offended, but he's right.
J.D.: Why are you so gloomy? I thought you'd be super-psyched that Kelso's being forced out of his job.
Ted: [flatly] Dr. Kelso's being forced out? I did not know that. Will you excuse me for a moment?
[later: a giddy Ted runs through the corridors and into the parking lot naked:]
Ted: I'm free! I'm free! I'm beautiful and I'm free! I'm free! Give me some sugar! It's finally over! I'm free!
[Ted is hit by the Janitor's van]
Janitor: Holy cow! Buddy, are you all right? Ted? Are you not talking 'cause your mouth is filling up with blood? You're gonna pass out, aren't you? Oh, boy there he goes. Yipes.

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