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40Quotes from ‘His Story II’

Scrubs: His Story II

318. His Story II

Aired April 6, 2004

As his wedding day approaches, Turk starts to feel anxious. He delays sending the wedding invitations and, after a problem in surgery, doesn't come clean to a patient. Meanwhile, J.D. steps in to support Elliot without her even asking, and Dr. Cox is unhappy when he sees Dr. Miller following after Dr. Kelso. [Narrated by Turk]

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] Come on, don't get mad at Turk. What's really bugging me is that, thanks to Dr. Cox, I've got nothing to do. Nothing to talk about. No stories to tell. [slaps Turk's head]
Turk: [v.o.] From the moment I woke up this morning, I have been freaking out about getting married. Luckily, Carla's being cool.
Carla: Okay, this is your last chance to uninvite that slut you went out with in high school.
Turk: She's married to my brother.
Carla: Isn't that convenient.
Turk: [v.o.] Thank God she thinks that hot chick, Tina, I invited is my cousin! Well guess what! There's no blood there, baby!
Carla: Oh, and by the way, don't think for a second that your "cousin" Tina's gonna be sitting at our table.
Turk: [v.o.] Oh, my God! She's in my head. It's okay. Use it to your advantage. Make me a grilled cheese sandwich, woman!
Carla: Make it yourself.
Turk: [v.o.] [screams]

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Today's gonna be a great day. Still, no time to dilly-dally. God, that's a fun phrase. I have to meet Dr.
Cox in five... Good God, check out those dilly-dallies. That may be the future Mrs... Ugh. Okay, back to work. Because Dr. Cox has hand-selected me to help him on a research project.
J.D.: Hey, research buddy.
Dr. Cox: We're four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision.
J.D.: [ding] Things Jordan says during sex! Ha!

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Are those the charts I wanted?
J.D.: No. They're the charts you wanted, plus patient history charts from the last ten years, which yours truly stayed up all night organizing not only chronologically but by severity of condition. [drops the papers] There's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone.
Dr. Cox: [ding] Things you say when you talk to your patients.
J.D.: Clever.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Ah, don't bother with that, Trish. You know, I've been getting my hair cut by my barber, Big Frank, for seventeen years now. Is it because his prices remained the same? No. Is it because I like the way his man-breasts feel gently resting on my shoulders when he does my sideburns? A little, yes. But, mainly, it's because, unlike you, he does just exactly what I tell him to do. You see, it's either my way or the highway, and since you've already broken that dictum [claps, whistles], you're out!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: No, but wait. I already got my shifts covered for the next two days. Besides, where're you gonna find somebody else? You think Lonnie, my intern, gives a rat's ass about acute thomrobotic thrombocytopenic purpura?
Lonnie: ATTP? It killed my father.
Dr. Cox: You're in.
Lonnie: It is gonna be so amazing working on the disease that tore my family apart.
J.D.: Kiss ass.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Thanks for driving me to work, man.
J.D.: You kidding? I wanted to see the mailing of the invites. Once you drop those suckers in, there's no turning back. I'm just mad I forgot my camera. Or did I? Ha! Say goodbye to being single!
[fantasy: Turk opens the mailbox and is shocked to find Carla sitting there:]
Turk: Whoa!
Carla: It's okay, sweetie, just drop them in here.
Turk: I don't wanna.
Carla: If you're nervous, come here and I'll tell you a secret that'll make you feel better. Come here. Come here. Give me those invitations!
Turk: [screams]

Quote from Turk

Turk: [v.o.] Damn, Elliot's got a nice ass for a white chick! Stop it! Just 'cause you're panicked about getting married doesn't mean you have to reduce every woman to her physical attributes. Oh, great, my new scary boss and her amazing chest, butt, feet. I love feet.

Quote from Turk

Dr. Miller: Dr. Turk, this is Bryan. You'll be assisting me on his tumor debulking this afternoon.
Turk: Whassup, Bry-Bry! You, my friend, have just won the lottery. I'm not saying I'm good, but if there was a surgeon awards show around here, it'd be called The Turkies. You know what I'm sayin'?
Dr. Cox: You don't have to know what he's sayin'. None of us do.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Mrs. Bell, your EKG showed a slight irregularity, but nothing too serious.
Mrs. Bell: Oh, good. Maybe when my husband hears that he'll stop worrying, go home and get some rest.
Mr. Bell: Hey, honey.
Elliot: Oh, and this must be your hobbit!- I mean husband, of course. Heh. I rented Lord of the Rings last night, so I would do Frodo. He's short, too.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Miller, I am attending a hospital administrator's luncheon this afternoon. I would love for you to join me.
Dr. Cox: Not so fast, there, Bob. You forgot to affix the warning label to your forehead. You know, the one that reads "Exposure to Bob Kelso can be hazardous to your health" thus affording the reader a fighting chance to escape the waste and contamination that is Bob Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Gosh, darn it, Perry, you are entertaining. You know, like Howie Mandel or a monkey in a funny hat.

Quote from Turk

TO:Check out Cox and Kelso fighting over Dr. New Girl!
[fantasy: Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso are pulling on Dr. Miller's arms]
Dr. Cox: Bobby, give me a break.
Dr. Kelso: No, she's coming with me!
Dr. Cox: Like you'll get near this.
Dr. Kelso: I want her.
Dr. Cox: Too late for you. She's mine!
[After the tear off Dr. Miller's arms, they start hitting each other with them]
[reality:]
Turk: She'll have to get one of those cars you drive with your feet.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Miller: Has anyone seen Dr. Kelso? We're supposed to leave for that luncheon.
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's strange. Because I remember having a conversation with you about this very subject. Never do anything with him, pure evil, ringing any bells?
Dr. Miller: Just the one in my head that goes off when I'm incredibly bored.
Dr. Kelso: Wow, Perry, people usually don't stop caring about what you have to say 'til after they've been here a few months. Oh, no he didn't. That's the correct use of that phrase, right?
Dr. Miller: I don't know, sir.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Well, now, you are looking slim. Are those new scrubs? Or is it the fact you no longer have a soul?
Dr. Miller: What's your problem?
Dr. Cox: Come on, the only reason Kelso wanted you at that dinner is because he knows standing next to a pretty doctor will get his picture in all the medical journals. Assuming his image actually shows up in photographs.

Quote from J.D.

[J.D. is still dressed as a clown as he delivers bad news to a family:]
J.D.: You're just upset because it's never easy to give someone bad news. Unfortunately your grandfather's bowel burst, causing a severe sepsis. We were unable to save him. I'm so sorry. [J.D.'s bow-tie spins around] Again, I'm- I'm very sorry.
Elliot: J.D., what are you doing?
J.D.: Oh, just breaking some bad news, circus style.

Quote from Turk

Turk: [v.o.] So I didn't tell him. It's not like it would change anything.
Carla: Christopher!
Turk: "Christopher"? You only call me Christopher when you're mad or when we're having sex. Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?
Carla: Sometimes. Come. Let's take a walk.
Turk: [v.o.] Oh, this is bad. Okay, what did I do? Think. I accidentally got her a present on my ex-girlfriend's birthday. I referred to that new cute nurse as a young Carla Espinosa. Damn, that was stupid. I've been known to leave my toenail clippings on her throw pillow. Oh, and I forgot to put the toilet seat down last night and she bruised her butt. Wow, why is she marrying me? Marrying me. Oh, God. She knows I haven't mailed the invites.
Carla: I thought you might want to talk to Bryan before you went home.
Turk: How'd you know?
Carla: Who you talkin' to? Get in there.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Ahh, there's my dinner buddy! Shall we head out?
Dr. Miller: Oh, no, no, no. I'm not going. I have a date. And even if I didn't, I don't think I'd want to go to a snooze-fest with a bunch of drunk proctologists just so you could get your picture in the latest edition of Bend Over Weekly.
Dr. Kelso: A simple "I'm busy" would have sufficed.
Dr. Cox: Big boys don't cry, there, Bobbo.


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