J.D.: Uh, listen, while I have you here. I'm applying for a fellowship, and I could really use a letter of recommendation. I was thinking that, when you wrote it, instead of using a girl's name you could refer to me as "Dr. Dorian." I think it sounds a little more professional and, frankly, each time you call me a girl's name, I die a little inside.
Dr. Cox: Look, Janice, Denise, Tiffany Amber Thiessen! Let me go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry's Perspective. One, if someone's standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can't decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two, I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called "Bring Back the Porn!" Three, and most importantly of all, the only way to be respected as a doctor - nay, respected as a man - is to be an island. You are born alone, you damn sure die alone. Isn't that right, Spike? The point is, and you just might want to jot this down: only the weak need help.
J.D.: I should get that tattooed on my neck.

J.D.: What the hell?
Janitor: It's a riddle. Two guys destroyed your bike with a crowbar and a bat. One of 'em wasn't me.

Dr. Kelso: Well, well, well, snip my pickle and call me Shlomo! You're not actually applying for residency director.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know, Bob. Here, I like to think I've accomplished plenty of things much more difficult than this. Why, just yesterday morning I somehow managed to hack into your voice-mail and change the outgoing message to, "Hi, this is Big Bob. Why, I'm not in right now but, at the beep, leave your name and your penis size!"
Dr. Kelso: Perry, have you ever wondered why you've never risen above clinical staff at this hospital? I mean, come on, pal, who do you think the board listens to concerning promotions around here? Why don't I tell you after the beep?
Dr. Steadman: Beeeeeeep.
Dr. Kelso: Bob Kelso. Ten inches.
Dr. Steadman: It's like a baguette!

Janitor: Hey, come here a sec. We want to do stuff to you.
J.D.: [v.o.] Crap. The Janitor. And he's with Sloppy Joe Guy! Okay, just distract them before they do whatever they've got planned!
Janitor: We were thinkin'.
J.D.: I've got a riddle for you!
Troy: This isn't how you said it would go.
Janitor: Troy! We're listening.
J.D.: Two coins add up to thirty cents and one of them is not a nickel.
Janitor: So what are they?
J.D.: It's a riddle. You figure it out.
Janitor: Troy, get your hat. We're going to the bank.

Janitor: Hey. We solved your dumb game.
Troy: We been to the libary!
Janitor: "-brary," Troy. "Li-brar-y." Anyway, "What two coins, when you put 'em together, makes thirty cents and one of them isn't a nickel?" Hmm. A penny and... a 1972 dime with a Roosevelt imperfection, today worth exactly twenty-nine cents.
J.D.: Nope, nope, nope. The correct answer is a quarter and a nickel.
Janitor: Uh, no. Because you said one of 'em isn't a nickel.
J.D.: Right. The other one is.
Janitor: You lied to me.
J.D.: No. It's a riddle.

J.D.: [v.o.] Hospitals are hectic. But there's a certain time every morning, after the bedpans have been emptied, that a calm washes over the place; and you can't help but feel peaceful.
Dr. Cox: [whistles]
J.D.: Holy Vishnu! Look, we've been working together a while, could you not whistle at me?
Dr. Cox: You're right, Newbie, we have been working together for a while. Of course, I wouldn't know the exact number of days unless I consulted my Friends For Life calendar that I keep taped inside my hope chest.
J.D.: [v.o.] Still I've learned to make Dr. Cox's rants work for me. I catch up on paperwork. I look after patients.
J.D.: Carla, can you check room air pulse ox on Mrs. Shipp?
Carla: You got it, Bambi.
J.D.: [v.o.] I take care of those official things that just have to get done.
Janitor: You're a jerk.
J.D.: You're a jerk!
Dr. Cox: Long story short, there, Molly, I will always whistle at you like you're a blonde with big bombs and I'm a construction worker just released from prison. That clear?
J.D.: Crystal!
Dr. Cox: Super!

Dr. Cox: Just a real nice helmet, there, princess.
J.D.: Actually, it's not a helmet. It's a Hair-met. It has extra room so you don't mess up your hairdo.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want.

Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, Sacred Heart!
Dr. Steadman: Hey! Your Chief of Medicine just said good afternoon, people!
J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Jeffrey Steadman, world-class suck-up. Especially since the residency director position opened up.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Cox, you know Dr. Steadman.
Dr. Cox: You're a doctor? Here, all this time I had thought that you were some kind of parasitic creature who lived shoulder-deep inside Big Bob's colon.
Dr. Steadman: If only, sir.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's never fun being the fifth wheel, especially when one of those wheels is Elliot's boyfriend. Still, I had decided to take the high road.
Sean: Hey, J.D., is this regular? I asked you to order me a diet.
J.D.: That is diet.
[fantasy:]
Sean: I don't understand! I'm so careful about what I eat, I'm just keep putting on weight!
Elliot: It's all the regular soda, Sean! [kisses J.D.]
[reality:]
J.D.: Enjoy.
J.D.: [v.o.] [evil laugh] All right, that's enough.

[Turk is in an elevator with another doctor:]
Turk: [into recorder] Post-op diagnosis: acute cholecystitis. Estimated blood loss: a hundred and fifty CCs and [the other doctor leaves; Turk sings:] "I don't know much But I know I love you Ooh ooh ooh And that may be all I need to-" [doors open] Patient transfered to recovery room awake and stable. Hey, baby!