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‘My White Whale’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My White Whale

303. My White Whale

Aired October 23, 2003

The residents encounter problems now they've got their own interns. J.D.'s desire to be liked by his interns means they don't respect him. Elliot is afraid of standing up to Dr. Kelso after he berates one of her interns. Meanwhile, as Jordan and Dr. Cox search for a pediatrician for Jack, they find a doctor who's even more obnoxious than Perry.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Enjoy. I didn't cut the hand off. I used a different puppet for that.
Dr. Norris: Well, if you want, you could give that one to me and I could fix it. And have it... for the kids.
Dr. Cox: Disturbing fetishes aside, I-I feel like I owe you an apology on account of acting like a jackass. But I don't think that my son should be the one who has to pay for it.
Dr. Norris: You actually think that I would endanger the health of a child because you're a jackass? Look, buddy, most of the parents I deal with are jackasses. Now, don't get me wrong, you're in the top five.
Dr. Cox: Thank you!
Dr. Norris: You're welcome. Still, the reason why I have yet to see your child is because he has the sniffles.
Dr. Cox: The sniffles?
Dr. Norris: The sniffles! Look, you're a doctor, you have what I like to call The Burden of Knowledge. You're gonna be worse than every parent who freaks out because their kid eats Play-Doh. Why? Because you've seen too much. You've seen what can really go wrong. If you don't get a handle on that, it's gonna crush you.

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Quote from J.D.

Sean: You know, I had the same problem when I started working with the dolphins.
J.D.: Okay, that's it. I-I'm sorry, Sean, I'm a doctor, okay? I-I'm teaching humans, not dolphins, okay? So it isn't really helpful for me to know what works on fish.
Sean: They're mammals, actually.
J.D.: Oh, well, Sean! Unfortunately for me, my interns aren't mammals!
Sean: J.D., they are.
J.D.: Ssh. I don't care, Sean!

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Norris: Zachary, remember what Mr. Cookiepants always says about blowing your nose: "If it's clear, have no fear; if it's bloody, come see your buddy!" What do you want?
Jordan: Well, we're looking for a new pediatrician for our son.
Dr. Norris: And you figured that, even though my patient load is full, since you're on the board of directors and Dr. Cox here is not only an attending at the hospital but also an internationally renowned pain-in-the-ass, you both could show complete disregard for my schedule and make me want to cause you grievous bodily harm even before we were properly introduced? Helloooo. I'm Dr. Norris.
Jordan: Charmed.

Quote from J.D.

Janitor: Heh-hah-hah. You drew on the wall. You drew on the wall!
J.D.: You pulled the paper away!
Janitor: Stop lying. It's gonna come off, right?
[flashback:]
J.D.: Dan, don't! That's dad's indelible space pen! And prom is in like two weeks!
[flashback:]
J.D.: Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Shefford. I'm here to pick up Amy for [points to forehead] prom.
[present:]
J.D.: Yeah. That- That'll come off. You won't have to get laser surgery or skin from your ass or anything.
Janitor: Hmm?

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [laughing] The girl one just called you "Dr. Jerk"!
Turk: No sweat. You should hear what they call Dr. Mickhead.
J.D.: What?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Well, if it isn't Dr. Haircut and her not-ready-for-primetime players!
Elliot: Actually, sir, we rock, so feel free to sit back and enjoy the show!
[Bruce splits open a bag containing a Foley catheter]
Dr. Kelso: Well, don't worry about it, son, those things are a dime a dozen.
Bruce: Really?
Dr. Kelso: In fact, if you get bored, why don't you just hijack an ice cream truck and drive it through our brand new pathology lab? But do me a favor and spare the paper shredder, because I'll need that to turn your next twelve paychecks into a clown wig you can wear for the rest of your internship! Dr. Reid, you may have an exciting new look and a boyfriend who smells vaguely like my tackle-box, but I remain, as always, underwhelmed.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: Right. I think we should probably take off. We're gonna be back to you with our decision.
Dr. Norris: Super. I'll be by my giant pretend phone, pretending to give a crap.
Dr. Cox: Oh, uh, by the way-
Dr. Cox: Brrring! Helloo? Gotta take it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
[later:]
Dr. Cox: I love him!
Jordan: Of course you do. He's you! And nobody loves you more than you! You know that.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Yeah, but, still. He is the best pediatrician on staff, and since we both work here we're gonna have a lot of pull over him. I mean, come on, Jordan, you haven't let me make one decision about our son. Which is why, by the way, you'll be doing the answering when he asks why daddy's wee-wee doesn't have a turtleneck on it like his.
Jordan: Yeah, fine. Whatever you said.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Excuse me, Jack here... Uh, Jack here's got a cough. And on account of the meconium problem he had at birth, I'm thinking it just might be pneumonia.
Dr. Norris: Benjamin, take this cup, fill 'er up, right? [to Dr. Cox] What in the hell do you think you are doing? You arrogant son of a bitch, if you ever interrupt an exam of mine again, I will personally take my stethoscope and shove it up your- Benjamin! What happened?
Benjamin: I don't have to go.
Dr. Norris: Oh, well it happens to the big boys, too. Try again. Go on! [to Dr. Cox] Is his temperature under a hundred-point-five?
Dr. Cox: Barely.
Dr. Norris: Eating, peeing, pooing?
Dr. Cox: Sometimes all at the same time. Come on, it's a really persistent cough. What do you say?
Dr. Norris: Office hours, tomorrow, five o'clock. Bye-bye.
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and put this in a language that you can understand: [puppet voice] You had better see my son now, or I'm gonna kick your ass.

Quote from Doug

Elliot: So, how are your interns doing?
Doug: Hey. Yeah, it still burns a little, but at least I can hear okay.

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Cox and Jordan were still looking for a pediatrician.
Dr. Cox: This time, try not to scare off the doctor.
Jordan: I did not scare off the last guy!
Dr. Cox: You bit him.
Jordan: I tripped and my teeth hit his shoulder.
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh. And once that happened, did you clamp down a little bit? Jordan! Oh, you come on!
Jordan: Well, he had a bad attitude!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] In a hospital, lots of things last longer than you wish they would. Especially certain stupid relationships with stupid Sea World trainers who stole my stupid girl!
Sean: Well, I've, uh, I've got whales to train.
J.D.: [to himself] Stupid whales. [louder] Hey, Sean! Right on, brother!

Quote from Turk

Turk: Where the hell are my interns!?
J.D.: [v.o.] As third-year residents, you really have to stay on top of your interns.
Turk: These! Right here! You see these names!? They are called patients! This one needs brain work! This one needs a heart!
J.D.: This guy needs courage.
Turk: Helping or hurting, J.D.? Helping or hurting? The point is, they will live or die based on your lame-assed post-ops; so, please, people, shape the hell up!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I decided to take a different tack with my interns.
J.D.: Look, guys, I'm not here to overwork ya, okay? I'm not- I'm not just your resident. I'm your buddy, I'm your go-to guy. I'm J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, my tack had its own drawbacks.
J.D.: But it is crucial I have everyone here at 9 a.m. sharp tomorrow, okay?
Brian: Oh, uh, is it cool if I come at 9:30?
J.D.: Absolutely. Anyone else need to be late?
Man: I can't. Bad for me.
J.D.: Okay, well, why don't we- Why don't we just make it 10, then? Okay? Break!
Seth: I can be here at 9.
J.D.: But I said 10!

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess everyone has their own style.
Elliot: Today for lunch, the cafeteria has... Bruce, name a manifestation of normal pressure hydrocephalus!
Bruce: Urinary incontinence!
Elliot: He-hell yes, Bruce! Go place a Foley cath. on Bed 4!

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: I think, Dr. Norris, what we're looking for is someone who's not too alarmist but also not too lax, either.
Dr. Norris: Oh, God, please let that someone be me!
Jordan: Look, you're obviously a little busy with your doll.
Dr. Norris: My doll? [laughs] It's a collectible.
Jordan: Someone's gonna get his ass bit!

Quote from Carla

J.D.: Hey, Carla? Hey. I had to redo the NG tube one of your nurses put on Mrs. Hemmel, so if you could spread the word to leave that to me and my guys, it would be great.
Carla: Oh, no problem, Bambi. Oh! But the reason my nurses had to do that is because none of your interns know how. So if you keep flapping your mouth without knowing all the facts, I'm gonna see if I can fit my foot in it!
J.D.: Okay. Good talk!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Brian? You know how to place an NG tube, don't you?
Brian: You did it for me both times.
J.D.: Jimmy, didn't you do one yesterday?
Jimmy: No, you let me go home 'cause I forgot to set my TiVo for the Styx Behind the Music?
J.D.: Do not miss that! It's awesome! Seth?
J.D.: [v.o.] That was when I realized what I'd turned my interns into.
[fantasy: A trio of monkeys in scrubs]

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Bruce, this is gonna be your third Foley cath. in a row! You can do this. You didn't need to page me seventeen times between the time I bought the rum-raisin muffin and then threw it away because alcoholism runs in my family.

Quote from Elliot

Bruce: After this morning, I just wanted to make sure that I really have this down. [beatboxes]
Elliot: What are you doing?
Bruce: It's just a nervous habit. It helps me concentrate.
Elliot: Yeah, well, you know what helps me concentrate?
Bruce: Me not doing that?
Elliot: No, bunnies.

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