Dr. Cox: Enjoy. I didn't cut the hand off. I used a different puppet for that.
Dr. Norris: Well, if you want, you could give that one to me and I could fix it. And have it... for the kids.
Dr. Cox: Disturbing fetishes aside, I-I feel like I owe you an apology on account of acting like a jackass. But I don't think that my son should be the one who has to pay for it.
Dr. Norris: You actually think that I would endanger the health of a child because you're a jackass? Look, buddy, most of the parents I deal with are jackasses. Now, don't get me wrong, you're in the top five.
Dr. Cox: Thank you!
Dr. Norris: You're welcome. Still, the reason why I have yet to see your child is because he has the sniffles.
Dr. Cox: The sniffles?
Dr. Norris: The sniffles! Look, you're a doctor, you have what I like to call The Burden of Knowledge. You're gonna be worse than every parent who freaks out because their kid eats Play-Doh. Why? Because you've seen too much. You've seen what can really go wrong. If you don't get a handle on that, it's gonna crush you.

Sean: You know, I had the same problem when I started working with the dolphins.
J.D.: Okay, that's it. I-I'm sorry, Sean, I'm a doctor, okay? I-I'm teaching humans, not dolphins, okay? So it isn't really helpful for me to know what works on fish.
Sean: They're mammals, actually.
J.D.: Oh, well, Sean! Unfortunately for me, my interns aren't mammals!
Sean: J.D., they are.
J.D.: Ssh. I don't care, Sean!

Dr. Norris: Zachary, remember what Mr. Cookiepants always says about blowing your nose: "If it's clear, have no fear; if it's bloody, come see your buddy!" What do you want?
Jordan: Well, we're looking for a new pediatrician for our son.
Dr. Norris: And you figured that, even though my patient load is full, since you're on the board of directors and Dr. Cox here is not only an attending at the hospital but also an internationally renowned pain-in-the-ass, you both could show complete disregard for my schedule and make me want to cause you grievous bodily harm even before we were properly introduced? Helloooo. I'm Dr. Norris.
Jordan: Charmed.

Janitor: Heh-hah-hah. You drew on the wall. You drew on the wall!
J.D.: You pulled the paper away!
Janitor: Stop lying. It's gonna come off, right?
[flashback:]
J.D.: Dan, don't! That's dad's indelible space pen! And prom is in like two weeks!
[flashback:]
J.D.: Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Shefford. I'm here to pick up Amy for [points to forehead] prom.
[present:]
J.D.: Yeah. That- That'll come off. You won't have to get laser surgery or skin from your ass or anything.
Janitor: Hmm?

J.D.: [laughing] The girl one just called you "Dr. Jerk"!
Turk: No sweat. You should hear what they call Dr. Mickhead.
J.D.: What?

Dr. Kelso: Well, if it isn't Dr. Haircut and her not-ready-for-primetime players!
Elliot: Actually, sir, we rock, so feel free to sit back and enjoy the show!
[Bruce splits open a bag containing a Foley catheter]
Dr. Kelso: Well, don't worry about it, son, those things are a dime a dozen.
Bruce: Really?
Dr. Kelso: In fact, if you get bored, why don't you just hijack an ice cream truck and drive it through our brand new pathology lab? But do me a favor and spare the paper shredder, because I'll need that to turn your next twelve paychecks into a clown wig you can wear for the rest of your internship! Dr. Reid, you may have an exciting new look and a boyfriend who smells vaguely like my tackle-box, but I remain, as always, underwhelmed.

Dr. Cox: Right. I think we should probably take off. We're gonna be back to you with our decision.
Dr. Norris: Super. I'll be by my giant pretend phone, pretending to give a crap.
Dr. Cox: Oh, uh, by the way-
Dr. Cox: Brrring! Helloo? Gotta take it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
[later:]
Dr. Cox: I love him!
Jordan: Of course you do. He's you! And nobody loves you more than you! You know that.

Dr. Cox: Yeah, but, still. He is the best pediatrician on staff, and since we both work here we're gonna have a lot of pull over him. I mean, come on, Jordan, you haven't let me make one decision about our son. Which is why, by the way, you'll be doing the answering when he asks why daddy's wee-wee doesn't have a turtleneck on it like his.
Jordan: Yeah, fine. Whatever you said.

Dr. Cox: Excuse me, Jack here... Uh, Jack here's got a cough. And on account of the meconium problem he had at birth, I'm thinking it just might be pneumonia.
Dr. Norris: Benjamin, take this cup, fill 'er up, right? [to Dr. Cox] What in the hell do you think you are doing? You arrogant son of a bitch, if you ever interrupt an exam of mine again, I will personally take my stethoscope and shove it up your- Benjamin! What happened?
Benjamin: I don't have to go.
Dr. Norris: Oh, well it happens to the big boys, too. Try again. Go on! [to Dr. Cox] Is his temperature under a hundred-point-five?
Dr. Cox: Barely.
Dr. Norris: Eating, peeing, pooing?
Dr. Cox: Sometimes all at the same time. Come on, it's a really persistent cough. What do you say?
Dr. Norris: Office hours, tomorrow, five o'clock. Bye-bye.
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and put this in a language that you can understand: [puppet voice] You had better see my son now, or I'm gonna kick your ass.

Elliot: So, how are your interns doing?
Doug: Hey. Yeah, it still burns a little, but at least I can hear okay.