J.D.: Okay, I'm here. What's the emergency, Keith?
Keith: Well, do you want Mr. Fleming on unfractionated or low molecular weight heparin?
J.D.: They're the exact same thing. Every doctor here knows that. Why would you page me?
Dr. Cox: Because I told him to. And I know what you're thinking, Dorothy. Why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh-darn trivial? But the real question ought to be, why, when you were an intern, did you call me in time after time after time after time? So now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions of your life, I've invited Laverne's church choir here to summarize my feelings in exuberant song.
Choir: [singing] Payback is a bitch Payback is a bitch Payback is a bitch Payback is a bitch It's just the beginning But it's payback Oh, it's payback Payback is a bitch Payback Payback is a bitch Payback Payback is a bitch Oh, Lord Payback is a bitch

J.D.: [v.o.] Even though it sucks being paged by an intern, there was nothing I like more than riding my scooter, Sasha, through puddles after a rain. And here comes a big one! ... Where was I?
[later:]
J.D.: You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee.
Janitor: Was his name Julian?
J.D.: We didn't exchange pleasantries.
Janitor: That's Julian.

J.D.: [v.o.] Living with Elliot was certainly different. Every inch of her apartment was filled with girly stuff. There were lavender-scented candles, pink robes, bath salts. It was awesome. My first day off in weeks. Only one thing could make it better. Cranking up the Toto.
J.D.: [singing] I bless the rains down in Africa [mumbles] Mango body butter? Mmm.

Dr. Kelso: Dorian, I need you to do the residents' call schedules for next month.
J.D.: Sir, I'm not even supposed to be here.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, me neither, son. I was one of the most promising young shortstops ever to come out of Altoona, Pennsylvania. Then came the Dominicans. Long story short, calling them all Pepe was apparently just racist enough to get me a life-long ban from the Appalachian Rookie League. Have the schedules on my desk by lunch.

Dr. Cox: [to Elliot] There are actually many things in life that I've yet to figure out, like why men wear cell phones on their belt when they could so easily fit them in their pocket, mere millimetres away. Or why, and I'm not complaining, women wear tube tops even though every ten seconds it makes them to do this: "Get back in there!" But, of all of my endless queries, the one thing I damn sure will figure out, and soon, is how you keep coming up with all these fancy-pants answers. It is, for all intents and purposes, like they're falling from the sky.

Turk: How do I tell these people they should let their son go?
J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I try and imagine what it's gonna be like when you die.
Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my diabetes.
J.D.: Right. And where do we meet up in heaven?
Turk: At the milk shake pool on the lesbian cloud.
J.D.: I'll see you there, player! I love religion. The point is, Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being honest, you know where they'd end up?
Turk: In hell, watching The View.
J.D.: Next to the super-high, unreachable cupcake table.

Carla: That's gonna be us someday.
Turk: How does that not make you nervous? I mean, what if our kid's out of control? Like, I was watching Webster last night. And Webster got all into the pancake mix. And baby, I mean all into the pancake mix!
Carla: Oh, Turk, that's a stupid sitcom. [Turk and J.D. gasp] I mean, that's a sitcom.

Elliot: OK, rocktors That's my name for doctors who rock. Next patient.
J.D.: [v.o.] Since her fellowship, Elliot loved that her interns saw her as an endocrinology expert.
Intern #1: Dr. Reid, why would Mr. Baum develop new onset diabetes and high blood pressure simultaneously?
Elliot: Well, as an endocrinology expert, in my expert opinion, both can be expertly explained by an adenoma causing Cushing's syndrome.
Dr. Cox: Hate to burst your bubble there, Barbie, but your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you, five days may seem like an eternity, seeing as it's roughly five times as long as any of your pasty relationships have lasted, but trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.
Elliot: Oh, really? Because you never went to ass-face school, but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right?
J.D.: Here's some!

Dr. Cox: Therefore, Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely secondary to gall stones.
Elliot: [bangs bed pan] Wrong-o, Perry! Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely due to type I familial hyperlipoproteinemia as demonstrated by the eruptive xanthomas on his Achilles tendon.
Dr. Cox: Interns, flee, now. Now, there is just no way you could have known that off the top of your straw-covered scarecrow head.
Elliot: Hold on, I need to take a mental picture of your total humiliation. [clicking sounds] Got it.

Mr. Bulger: We're just not sure, Dr. Turk.
J.D.: [v.o.] When an opportunity is slipping through their fingers, even a doctor can succumb to one of the basest human impulses.
Turk: You know, I've donated an organ.
J.D.: [v.o.] They can lie.
Turk: See, my buddy, he was he was sick, and so I gave him one of my kidneys.
Mr. Bulger: But my son has only one heart.
Turk: But a short time after that, I donated my other kidney.
Mr. Bulger: We're gonna check on our son.