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40Quotes from ‘My Way Home’

Scrubs: My Way Home

507. My Way Home

Aired January 24, 2006

On the 100th episode of Scrubs, J.D. gets called in on his day off and tries to find his way home, Turk tries to convince a family to take their son off life support so he donate his heart, Elliot tries to find the brains to host a Q&A on endocrinology, and Carla tries to find the courage to be a parent.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Okay, I'm here. What's the emergency, Keith?
Keith: Well, do you want Mr. Fleming on unfractionated or low molecular weight heparin?
J.D.: They're the exact same thing. Every doctor here knows that. Why would you page me?
Dr. Cox: Because I told him to. And I know what you're thinking, Dorothy. Why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh-darn trivial? But the real question ought to be, why, when you were an intern, did you call me in time after time after time after time? So now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions of your life, I've invited Laverne's church choir here to summarize my feelings in exuberant song.
Choir: [singing] Payback is a bitch Payback is a bitch Payback is a bitch Payback is a bitch It's just the beginning But it's payback Oh, it's payback Payback is a bitch Payback Payback is a bitch Payback Payback is a bitch Oh, Lord Payback is a bitch

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Even though it sucks being paged by an intern, there was nothing I like more than riding my scooter, Sasha, through puddles after a rain. And here comes a big one! ... Where was I?
[later:]
J.D.: You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee.
Janitor: Was his name Julian?
J.D.: We didn't exchange pleasantries.
Janitor: That's Julian.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Living with Elliot was certainly different. Every inch of her apartment was filled with girly stuff. There were lavender-scented candles, pink robes, bath salts. It was awesome. My first day off in weeks. Only one thing could make it better. Cranking up the Toto.
J.D.: [singing] I bless the rains down in Africa [mumbles] Mango body butter? Mmm.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Dorian, I need you to do the residents' call schedules for next month.
J.D.: Sir, I'm not even supposed to be here.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, me neither, son. I was one of the most promising young shortstops ever to come out of Altoona, Pennsylvania. Then came the Dominicans. Long story short, calling them all Pepe was apparently just racist enough to get me a life-long ban from the Appalachian Rookie League. Have the schedules on my desk by lunch.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [to Elliot] There are actually many things in life that I've yet to figure out, like why men wear cell phones on their belt when they could so easily fit them in their pocket, mere millimetres away. Or why, and I'm not complaining, women wear tube tops even though every ten seconds it makes them to do this: "Get back in there!" But, of all of my endless queries, the one thing I damn sure will figure out, and soon, is how you keep coming up with all these fancy-pants answers. It is, for all intents and purposes, like they're falling from the sky.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: How do I tell these people they should let their son go?
J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I try and imagine what it's gonna be like when you die.
Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my diabetes.
J.D.: Right. And where do we meet up in heaven?
Turk: At the milk shake pool on the lesbian cloud.
J.D.: I'll see you there, player! I love religion. The point is, Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being honest, you know where they'd end up?
Turk: In hell, watching The View.
J.D.: Next to the super-high, unreachable cupcake table.

Quote from Turk

Carla: That's gonna be us someday.
Turk: How does that not make you nervous? I mean, what if our kid's out of control? Like, I was watching Webster last night. And Webster got all into the pancake mix. And baby, I mean all into the pancake mix!
Carla: Oh, Turk, that's a stupid sitcom. [Turk and J.D. gasp] I mean, that's a sitcom.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: OK, rocktors That's my name for doctors who rock. Next patient.
J.D.: [v.o.] Since her fellowship, Elliot loved that her interns saw her as an endocrinology expert.
Intern #1: Dr. Reid, why would Mr. Baum develop new onset diabetes and high blood pressure simultaneously?
Elliot: Well, as an endocrinology expert, in my expert opinion, both can be expertly explained by an adenoma causing Cushing's syndrome.
Dr. Cox: Hate to burst your bubble there, Barbie, but your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you, five days may seem like an eternity, seeing as it's roughly five times as long as any of your pasty relationships have lasted, but trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.
Elliot: Oh, really? Because you never went to ass-face school, but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right?
J.D.: Here's some!

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Cox: Therefore, Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely secondary to gall stones.
Elliot: [bangs bed pan] Wrong-o, Perry! Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely due to type I familial hyperlipoproteinemia as demonstrated by the eruptive xanthomas on his Achilles tendon.
Dr. Cox: Interns, flee, now. Now, there is just no way you could have known that off the top of your straw-covered scarecrow head.
Elliot: Hold on, I need to take a mental picture of your total humiliation. [clicking sounds] Got it.

Quote from Turk

Mr. Bulger: We're just not sure, Dr. Turk.
J.D.: [v.o.] When an opportunity is slipping through their fingers, even a doctor can succumb to one of the basest human impulses.
Turk: You know, I've donated an organ.
J.D.: [v.o.] They can lie.
Turk: See, my buddy, he was he was sick, and so I gave him one of my kidneys.
Mr. Bulger: But my son has only one heart.
Turk: But a short time after that, I donated my other kidney.
Mr. Bulger: We're gonna check on our son.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Dude, it was awful. I couldn't stop lying to them. I only have two moves. If surgery goes well, the fake modest nod and wink. Now, if surgery goes bad and the guy dies, there's always the head-shake, sad walk-away.
J.D.: Turk, Toto and I are going home.
Turk: Fine!
[Scrubs sad theme plays, stops]
J.D.: OK, I'll help.
Turk: Thank you.

Quote from Doug

[Doug wheels a body bag into the elevator]
J.D.: [v.o.] After trying to get out of the hospital vertically, I decided to go the horizontal route, hiding in a body bag.
J.D.: Can you press "lobby" please?
[J.D. screams as Doug hits the bag with a fire extinguisher]
J.D.: Doug! Why are you hitting me?
Doug: I thought you were dead, coming back to life!
J.D.: Then why were you hitting me?
Doug: Dead people should be dead!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: So if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy, borderline psychotic who hates everyone.
Carla: How is that different from leaving him with you?
Dr. Cox: I have freckles.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: J.D., there is no way I'm gonna be able to pull this off! In a few hours, I'm going to have a roomful of specialists firing questions at me. I'm gonna be a bigger fraud than Barry Bonds!
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, you know he's an athlete of some kind. Just say something general.
J.D.: Still, I love it when Bonds wins at the game that he plays.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
Carla: Why aren't you freaking out? Look at him. I mean, your kid's all green and slimy.
Dr. Cox: I suppose it's because, when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and slimy.
Carla: Where is Jordan anyway?
Dr. Cox: The wicked witch of the east wing?
[meanwhile:]
Jordan: Help! I'm melting in here! Anyone! Help! I'm melting!
[back:]
Dr. Cox: So he's green. Don't beat yourself up, Carla. Come on. I mean, so far, on my watch, he's gotten stitches, cut his own hair and eaten over four dollars in change. Honestly, if I ever need to feed the parking meter, I just check the diaper, don't I?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: You don't understand. I didn't dump him on the Janitor because I was busy. I dumped him because he was working my last nerve and I wanted to smush his face. I'm not meant for this.
Dr. Cox: Carla, look at me and Jordan. You know how we hate everyone?
Carla: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Well, that goes doubly for children. It's true. They're loud, you can't understand them, they're like tiny cab drivers. But trust me, when you do have your own kid, you won't feel that way.
Carla: Yeah? What'll be different?
Dr. Cox: He'll be yours.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Every so often, a wizard comes to tell you what you need to hear.
Dr. Kelso: [to Turk] Seems like you had a heart all along.
[cut:]
Elliot: Superior vena cava?
J.D.: Right. See? You had the brains all along.
[cut:]
Dr. Cox: Trust me, Carla. When you do have your own kid, you're gonna find you had the courage to be a parent all along.
Carla: Thank you.


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