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28Quotes from ‘My Big Bird’

Scrubs: My Big Bird

508. My Big Bird

Aired January 24, 2006

J.D., Turk, Elliot and Carla are called before a morbidity and mortality conference to explain how a patient in their care died. J.D. goes to extreme lengths to get a "thank you" from a patient whose life he saved, Elliot inadvertently kisses a married man whose son was in the hospital, and Carla is excited about a big lottery draw.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I was super-psyched to get my scooter, Sasha, back from the shop. But my new scooter insurance hadn't kicked in yet, so I was being extra cautious.
[As J.D. places traffic cones around his scooters, sirens wail in the distance]
J.D.: Perfect. Time for my morning slushie.
Police Officer: Get out of the way! The store's being robbed! Freeze!
[As the robber emerges from the convenience store, he seeks cover. He looks back and forth between and a wall and J.D.'s scotter]
J.D.: The wall! Hide behind the wall! No! [gunfire] Sasha!
Robber: All right, all right. OK.
J.D.: There was a wall! What's the matter with you? [gun shots] Who's still shooting? She's down! It's over!

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Hey, Dr. Cox, you want to put in for some lottery tickets?
Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Carla, I would. I really would. But you see, I already set fire to a big pile of money just this morning.
Carla: Hey, we have the same chance of winning as anyone else.
Dr. Cox: And the category is... ding! Things that have a better chance of happening than you winning. Ted-ski, throw ten seconds on the clock for me, would you please?
Ted: Go!
Dr. Cox: Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit record, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and meaning it, me caring about anything that happens on Wisteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning an Oscar, Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba-Simpson-
Ted: Time.
Dr. Cox: Oh!

Quote from J.D.

Carla: What would you do with a hundred million dollars?
J.D.: Me? Floating Head Doctor.
Turk: Here we go.
J.D.: Yeah, I'd spend the money researching how to successfully separate my head from my body. That way I could literally be in two places at once.
[fantasy:]
J.D.'s head: Looking good, Mr. Henderson. Looking real good, Nurse Myers. Uh-oh. He's flatlining! Body, come!
[J.D.'s body gets off an exercise bike and rushes over, crashing into a wall]
J.D.: Damn it! Starting CPR. [bangs head on patient's chest] Ow!
[reality:]
J.D.: There'd probably be some kinks to work out initially.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Dude, are you really gonna sit here all day just to thank your garbage man?
J.D.: Yes, Jabbarie has been added to the hug schedule. Want to wait with me?
Turk: I can't. I was supposed to be on-call five minutes ago.
J.D.: [v.o.] This whole experience got me thinking about the nature of gratitude. I guess in the end...
[present, at the morbidity & mortality conference:]
J.D.: Whether you're a doctor or a garbage man...
Dr. Kelso: Dorian, what are you doing?
J.D.: Sorry, sir. Sometimes I like to just sum things up.

Quote from Carla

Ted: Hey, Carla, did you hear the lottery's up to a hundred million? If I win that baby, it's separate beds for me and my mom.
Carla: Yeah and you could spend the other 99,999,000 on therapy.
Ted: What would you do with the money?
[fantasy:]
Elliot: Carla, I can't believe you're gonna be a mom.
Carla: I know. It was expensive, but totally worth it. Right, baby?
[Turk has a baby bump]
Turk: Stupid lotto.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: You said your wife was dead.
Jimmy: No, I said she wasn't with us. Don't make me out to be a bad guy.
Elliot: Well, you're not a good guy. Good guys don't lie about being single or about helicopter pilots. If you were a good guy, you would get in there and tell her what happened.
Jimmy: You're right.
Elliot: Hell, yeah, I am. Wait, what?
Elliot: [v.o.] You know how when something horrible happens, like a car accident, everything slows down?
Elliot: [gasping] No!
Millie: Whore!

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.
Turk: What'd you do?
J.D.: Was it naughty?
J.D.: [v.o.] When women want men to completely zone out, there's one thing they can talk about.
Elliot: You see, yesterday, I went shoe shopping and there was this one pair of Manolo Blahniks...
J.D. and Turk: [v.o.] Shoe shopping.
Carla: Great, we can talk.

Quote from Carla

Carla: What were you thinking?
Elliot: So we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just really hit it off, you know? I mean, it started out with some pretty innocent flirting. "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid." "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"
J.D.: Huh?
Turk: Whose stool?
Carla: Strappy sandals.
J.D. and Turk: [v.o.] Shoe shopping. Continue.
Elliot: And then I asked where his wife was. He said, "She's not with us." And then, you know blaah.
Carla: Cool. Oh, I almost forgot. Lace bra.
[J.D. and Turk snap out of it]

Quote from Doug

J.D.: [v.o.] A lot of weird things can happen in a hospital. Like Doug not getting a dead body out of his bed before rigor mortis sets in.
Doug: Ted, give me a hand. He's not gonna fit in the body bag like this, so lie across his feet and I'm going to push down his head and straighten him out.
Ted: Fun!
Doug: And one, two, three!
[Ted is flung across the room and hits the window]
Doug: Ted?

Quote from Janitor

Carla: I'm just saying, think of what you could do with that kind of money.
Janitor: I could get a trained shark.
Carla: Why?
[fantasy:]
J.D.: Thanks for inviting me, Janitor.
Janitor: Anytime, buddy. Anytime. [over radio] Wait for him, wait for him,
J.D.: Can opener!
Janitor: [over radio] The lobster's in the pot. Devour! Devour!
J.D.: Something feels pinchy. [screams]
Janitor: [over radio] Save me a leg.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Kelso: Who's a whore?
Elliot: That'd be me, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, of course. Would you care to elaborate?
Elliot: See, yesterday, I went shoe shopping...
Turk: [v.o.] Shoe shopping.
Ted: [v.o.] Shoe shopping.
All: [v.o.] Shoe shopping.
Dr. Cox: Oh, please. Jordan used to use that one on me all the time. Immune. Watch this. Satin panties.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to explain to you my behavior before. It's not like I was just making out with some random guy in the hospital. I wouldn't do that. Well, I did that once. There was this Medi-Vac pilot. Actually, he just turned out to be an orderly who got his hands on a helicopter helmet. But this is different. Sure, it could get complicated. He has a son.
Mrs. Wilk: And a wife.
Elliot: I've been making out with a married man while his sick child slept a few feet away. Oh, my God, I've become my mother.

Quote from Elliot

Mrs. Wilk: Dr. Reid, why are you hiding? You didn't do anything wrong.
Elliot: If we all win this lottery then I am using that money to find a decent man.
[fantasy: At the altar, Elliot opens up a fold in a man's tuxedo to reveal a circuit board]
Priest: You may kiss the bride.
Elliot: Whoa, save it for tonight, big guy. [taps his metallic crotch]
Robotic Man: Mazeltov.
[reality:]
Elliot: Why did I make him Jewish? My parents will kill me.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Mr. Sutton, I cured you and you never thanked me.
Mr. Sutton: Why would I thank you for doing your job? I'm a garbage man. How times a day do you think I get thanked?
Turk: Six.
Mr. Sutton: You're off by about six.
Turk: Twelve!
Mr. Sutton: I'm starting to see why Leon outfoxed you.
Turk: Stupid bird stole my hat.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] After a day like today, there's really only one thing you can do...
J.D.: To bad radiologists. [toast]
Dr. Cox: Wait, wait. Let me get in on this. Let's also have a toast to Mr. Foster's widow and his fatherless kids.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, it wasn't our fault.
Dr. Cox: No, because you were lucky. You know as well as I do, it could have been any one of your faults. Congrats again. Have a have a swell party.
J.D.: [v.o.] It's never easy when someone accuses you of screwing up, especially when you know it's true.
When that happens, you can't shrug it off, because in a hospital, the best way to learn from your mistakes is to carry them with you.


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