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36Quotes from ‘My Advice to You’

Scrubs: My Advice to You

306. My Advice to You

Aired November 13, 2003

When Carla's brother, Marco, comes to visit, a language barrier doesn't stop him from showing his disdain for Turk. When Dr. Kelso tells the residents they need to spend more time with each patient, Dr. Cox would rather they focus on a patient they might actually save. Meanwhile, J.D. meets a woman, Danni (guest star Tara Reid), at the hospital, but he's still hung up on Elliot.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: You're losing them. Oh, don't get me wrong, you had me worried there was gonna be a bunch of young Dr. Coxes roaming the halls, calling me "Bobbo", shaving my genitals when I pass out at the Christmas party.
Dr. Cox: Tradition is tradition, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah. Then I remembered that you've been here over ten years, and there's not a single disciple of yours to be found. And you know why?
Dr. Cox: You told 'em this exact same story and bored 'em to death?
Dr. Kelso: [both laugh] No. It's because eventually they all start questioning the gospel according to Cox, and you can't handle that. Can you?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Newbie, maybe I wasn't clear enough with you on Miss Bartow over there.
J.D.: Here it comes. I'm incompetent. I'm a girl. I'm a little girl. I'm a little girl with pigtails that rides a tricycle.
Dr. Cox: No. Well... yes, but I am honestly trying to tell you that I don't think I was being clear with you before. In fact, I think I was being a pretty lousy teacher. Look, I think putting one in the "win" column every now and then is what gives us the juice to keep plugging along in games that we know deep down we're not gonna win. And that's why I locked in so intensely to that patient. Because opportunities, they... God, they come along so rarely in this place. And when they do, you just can't let them slip through your fingers. You cannot, you know?

Quote from Turk

Carla: And Turk, you don't mind if every now and then Marco and I speak Spanish to each other, right?
Turk: Baby, fo'shizzle-dizzle. Do your thizzle, 'cause I'm up out this pizzle. Church! See, we got our own secret language, too.
Marco: [Spanish: "What did he say?"]
Carla: [Spanish: "I have no idea."]
Both: [Spanish: "Jackass!"]

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] No one knew her last name, no one even remembered seeing her. I started to wonder if Danni was even real. I guess that's the thing about life. You don't really-
Danni: Hey, J.D.
J.D.: Excuse me!
J.D.: [v.o.] You don't really get many second chances.
J.D.: Oh, Danni. Hi! I'm sorry, sometimes I have this inner monologue running through my head.
Danni: Oh. [v.o.] Weirdo!

Quote from Dr. Cox

[After Dr. Cox turns off the TV, all the residents groan]
Dr. Cox: Fine. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you how it ends: Dr. Phil says, "And how is that working out for you?" And the big fat lady cries, "Wah." All right, I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of residency director considering my disdain for... well, all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this God-forsaken hell-hole. It's all about the four dollars, trust me. And seeing as my money is contingent on you lemmings actually doing your jobs, I would say that now is a pretty good time for you to scurry on back to work so that I can continue to afford the antidepressants that keep me so damn jolly. [high-pitched laugh] Go! Say, Angela.
J.D.: Oh, I think he means me, Angela.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess people can surprise you.
Danni: We'd still die.
J.D.: We'd still what?
Danni: If the elevator cable snapped, even if we timed it out all perfectly and jumped up right before impact, we'd still be crushed to death. I wish I'd taken the stairs.
J.D.: Me too.
Danni: Sorry, sometimes I just have this inner monologue running through my head.
J.D.: [v.o.] Inner monologue? Weirdo!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: But, Dr. Cox, earlier today Dr. Kelso was telling us that he wants-
Dr. Cox: Ssh! I don't ever want to hear anything that's come out of that man's mouth. Unless, of course, it's "Oh, my God! I'm dying. Now I'm moving towards the light. But wait a minute, there's been a mistake! This is Hell! Hello, Hitler. Hello, Mussolini. Captain Kangaroo? That's weird!" Don't you see, Barbie, I would rather listen to you go on and on about the joys of dolphin sex.
Elliot: Dolphin trainer sex. My boyfriend is a dolphin trainer.
Dr. Cox: Here that's a shame. Because the whole dolphin thing used to make you so interesting. Too bad. We are moving on!

Quote from Turk

J.D.: What's up with you and her brother, anyway? Did something happen at her mother's funeral?
[flashback to Turk having parked at the funeral home:]
Turk: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Just so you know, this is a rental and I got the mileage right up here, so no joy-rides, comprende? [tosses keys]
Carla: Turk! This is my brother, Marco!
Turk: Sorry for your loss.
[present:]
Turk: I mean, who wears a vest to a funeral, anyway, man?

Quote from Turk

Carla: [Spanish: "Marco, can Turk play the next game with you?"]
Marco: [Spanish: "I don't want to be friends with your stupid, melon-headed boyfriend."]
Turk: Baby, I don't understand why he just doesn't learn English.
Marco: [Spanish: "I bet he's whining about how I don't speak English even though he's never bothered to learn Spanish."]
Carla: He's trying to learn. He's already got 'yes', 'no', and 'cheese'.
Turk: Hey, somebody say something about cheese? 'Cause if you gonna make a cheese run, holla at me, dawg!
Carla: Baby, when we left the Dominican Republic, Marco never wanted to learn English. He even went to boarding school in Puerto Rico. Imagine what it's like to constantly feel like an outsider just because you're proud of your heritage.
Turk: But did you or did you not say something about cheese?

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: I know you all think of me as some heartless monster. Still, if your grandmother were here, wouldn't you want her doctor to spend as much time with her as he does with anyone else?
J.D.: Grandma Dorian or Nana Hobbs? Because Nana Hobbs can be an eensy bit racist.
Dr. Kelso: Grandma Dorian.
J.D.: She's dead.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: The point is, sometimes what's best for this hospital is what's best for the patients! I know it, you know it, and guess what, Dr. Cox knows it, too. Although damned if he doesn't disagree with me just because I said it.
J.D.: Sir, I don't think that's true.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, it's hotter than hell in here.
Dr. Cox: Freezing.
Dr. Kelso: Great coffee, though.
Dr. Cox: Rat piss.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy is an incompetent suck-up.
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. In fact, he's one of the finest young doctors I've ever had the good fortune of working with.
Dr. Kelso: Your witness.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, those nuts are for my brother, please don't eat 'em all!
J.D.: [spits out nuts]
Turk: Hey, Baby, why you makin' such a big deal about your brother coming, anyway? He's my baby brother! I practically raised him!
Carla: Now, I want you to try and get along with him this time? If you do, I promise to fulfill that fantasy of yours but not with the weird outfit, and none of those crazy toys.
Turk: So we'd just have normal sex.
Carla: If I'm not sleepy!
Turk: Deal.

Quote from Doug

Elliot: Doug! Doug!
Doug: [wakes up] I don't wanna be a doctor!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: What'd I miss?
Dr. Kelso: It's come to my attention-
J.D.: Something's come to his attention.
Dr. Kelso: ...that some family members of our critically ill patients have been complaining because of the relatively small amount of time you all spend with their loved ones. 'course, in Dr. Murphy's case that's probably a good thing.
Doug: Sir, if I could just take this chance to explain my disturbingly high mortality rate?
Dr. Kelso: Why don't I do that for you? You're a bad doctor. Now, complaints are just a stone's throw away from lawsuits, so from this point on, I don't care how bleak a patient's prognosis is, you are going to give each and every one of them the same amount of your time.


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