J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!

[After Dr. Cox turns off the TV, all the residents groan]
Dr. Cox: Fine. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you how it ends: Dr. Phil says, "And how is that working out for you?" And the big fat lady cries, "Wah." All right, I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of residency director considering my disdain for... well, all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this God-forsaken hell-hole. It's all about the four dollars, trust me. And seeing as my money is contingent on you lemmings actually doing your jobs, I would say that now is a pretty good time for you to scurry on back to work so that I can continue to afford the antidepressants that keep me so damn jolly. [high-pitched laugh] Go! Say, Angela.
J.D.: Oh, I think he means me, Angela.

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess people can surprise you.
Danni: We'd still die.
J.D.: We'd still what?
Danni: If the elevator cable snapped, even if we timed it out all perfectly and jumped up right before impact, we'd still be crushed to death. I wish I'd taken the stairs.
J.D.: Me too.
Danni: Sorry, sometimes I just have this inner monologue running through my head.
J.D.: [v.o.] Inner monologue? Weirdo!

Elliot: But, Dr. Cox, earlier today Dr. Kelso was telling us that he wants-
Dr. Cox: Ssh! I don't ever want to hear anything that's come out of that man's mouth. Unless, of course, it's "Oh, my God! I'm dying. Now I'm moving towards the light. But wait a minute, there's been a mistake! This is Hell! Hello, Hitler. Hello, Mussolini. Captain Kangaroo? That's weird!" Don't you see, Barbie, I would rather listen to you go on and on about the joys of dolphin sex.
Elliot: Dolphin trainer sex. My boyfriend is a dolphin trainer.
Dr. Cox: Here that's a shame. Because the whole dolphin thing used to make you so interesting. Too bad. We are moving on!

Dr. Kelso: You're losing them. Oh, don't get me wrong, you had me worried there was gonna be a bunch of young Dr. Coxes roaming the halls, calling me "Bobbo", shaving my genitals when I pass out at the Christmas party.
Dr. Cox: Tradition is tradition, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah. Then I remembered that you've been here over ten years, and there's not a single disciple of yours to be found. And you know why?
Dr. Cox: You told 'em this exact same story and bored 'em to death?
Dr. Kelso: [both laugh] No. It's because eventually they all start questioning the gospel according to Cox, and you can't handle that. Can you?

Dr. Cox: Newbie, maybe I wasn't clear enough with you on Miss Bartow over there.
J.D.: Here it comes. I'm incompetent. I'm a girl. I'm a little girl. I'm a little girl with pigtails that rides a tricycle.
Dr. Cox: No. Well... yes, but I am honestly trying to tell you that I don't think I was being clear with you before. In fact, I think I was being a pretty lousy teacher. Look, I think putting one in the "win" column every now and then is what gives us the juice to keep plugging along in games that we know deep down we're not gonna win. And that's why I locked in so intensely to that patient. Because opportunities, they... God, they come along so rarely in this place. And when they do, you just can't let them slip through your fingers. You cannot, you know?

Carla: And Turk, you don't mind if every now and then Marco and I speak Spanish to each other, right?
Turk: Baby, fo'shizzle-dizzle. Do your thizzle, 'cause I'm up out this pizzle. Church! See, we got our own secret language, too.
Marco: [Spanish: "What did he say?"]
Carla: [Spanish: "I have no idea."]
Both: [Spanish: "Jackass!"]

J.D.: [v.o.] No one knew her last name, no one even remembered seeing her. I started to wonder if Danni was even real. I guess that's the thing about life. You don't really-
Danni: Hey, J.D.
J.D.: Excuse me!
J.D.: [v.o.] You don't really get many second chances. [out loud] Oh, Danni. Hi! I'm sorry, sometimes I have this inner monologue running through my head.
Danni: Oh. [v.o.] Weirdo!

J.D.: What's up with you and her brother, anyway? Did something happen at her mother's funeral?
[flashback to Turk having parked at the funeral home:]
Turk: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Just so you know, this is a rental and I got the mileage right up here, so no joy-rides, comprende? [tosses keys]
Carla: Turk! This is my brother, Marco!
Turk: Sorry for your loss.
[present:]
Turk: I mean, who wears a vest to a funeral, anyway, man?

Carla: [Spanish: "Marco, can Turk play the next game with you?"]
Marco: [Spanish: "I don't want to be friends with your stupid, melon-headed boyfriend."]
Turk: Baby, I don't understand why he just doesn't learn English.
Marco: [Spanish: "I bet he's whining about how I don't speak English even though he's never bothered to learn Spanish."]
Carla: He's trying to learn. He's already got 'yes', 'no', and 'cheese'.
Turk: Hey, somebody say something about cheese? 'Cause if you gonna make a cheese run, holla at me, dawg!
Carla: Baby, when we left the Dominican Republic, Marco never wanted to learn English. He even went to boarding school in Puerto Rico. Imagine what it's like to constantly feel like an outsider just because you're proud of your heritage.
Turk: But did you or did you not say something about cheese?