Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘My Monster’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Monster

210. My Monster

Aired December 12, 2002

At Christmas, everyone is struggling with the hospital towering over their personal lives. J.D. goes on a date with Gift Shop Girl, but can't get in the mood. Turk is too tired to romance Carla. Elliot can't find time to search for a new place to live. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox struggles to keep up with work and take care of his heavily pregnant ex-wife.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid? What are you doing in here?
Elliot: Um, hi, Dr. Kelso. I was just... I was on call.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I have the call sheet right here and your name doesn't seem to be on it. But what do I know? I'm just a kindly old man who doesn't know the difference between a doctor on call and one who maybe just needs a warm bed for the night.
Elliot: Oh, I've just been so swamped with work I couldn't even make time to find a new place.
Dr. Kelso: I understand. Life is hard and all that. But if you want a bed in my hospital, you better have a damn rent check or a massive coronary in the next five seconds. And believe me, missy, either one's fine with me.
Elliot: Thank you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: No problem.

Rate

Quote from J.D.

Turk: I fell you, man. I mean, I consider myself a romantic guy who's really stressed out and I thought the person who'd understand would be Carla.
Dr. Cox: I think the weird thing is that I'm really trying this time.
Turk: I just wonder if I'm what she really wants.
Dr. Cox: I wonder if I'll ever be able to make it work out with anyone.
J.D.: My peep's on the fritz.
Turk: Dude!
Dr. Cox: Poor Newbie.
J.D.: No, no, no. I'm talking about you guys. You guys are like my peeps, you're my dogs, and you're on the fritz, so that's where I get "peeps", "fritz" came from.
Dr. Cox: God love you, Newbie. [Turk whistles] Thank you for giving me some perspective.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: We're talking about you now, studly.
J.D.: OK, so I'm in a bit of a dry spell. I have no idea what to do with myself.
Turk: Why don't you give Rowdy a bath? He smells a little ripe.
J.D.: Please. I'm a young, single player with a heart of gold. I should be able to stir something up.
[cut to J.D. and Rowdy in the bath:]
J.D.: How do you get so dirty? [water gurgles] Rowdy.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Come to Papa. [J.D. clears his throat] Yeah, the coil didn't complete its revolution. My candy's just hanging there instead of dropping.
J.D.: OK, whatever. Look, if you're hungry, man, I can loan you a buck.
Janitor: A buck? What a kind offer from the charitable Dr. Money Bags.
J.D.: Look, you can either be a jerk as usual, or you can accept this gracious offer and get some caramel draped in nougat. Your choice, jumpsuit.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: So it appears Mrs. Watson has developed a post-op infection at her thyroidectomy site.
Mrs. Watson: Ow!
Dr. Cox: Newbie, when a patient has an infection, I make it a general policy not to actually push on it. Start Ancef, one gram Q eight hours and... Oh, my God, did I just ask my ex-wife to move in with me?
J.D.: Mm-hmm. [off Nurse Roberts' look] What? You don't own that.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I put all those flyers up and nobody wants me to live with them.
J.D.: Oh, come on, Elliot, I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a "clean, non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage."
Elliot: If you don't, it gets mildewy.
J.D.: You know, you should move in with my friend, Anal McLooney.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Can anyone tell me the bacterial etiology of toxic shock syndrome? Oh, I beg your pardon. With so many doctors standing around, I assumed it was rounds. But you were looking at the wall, so that means it's an art exhibit. When does the gay gentleman come round with the tray of champagne?
Elliot: Sir, my father cut me off-
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not bring-your-problems-to-work day. This is just work day.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [on the phone] Sure, Jordan. I guess you could take over the master bathroom. But could you do me a favor and leave my sleeping pills out in case when I get home I wanna take 300 of 'em? OK, bye.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm not the only one in a rut.
Elliot: My life is a mess.
J.D.: At least you're pretty.
Elliot: Yeah, well, pretty don't pay the rent.
Carla: It does for my sister.
Elliot: Oh, my God. Your sister's a prostitute?
Carla: She's a model. Come on, Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes the hospital seems like a big, hungry monster that feeds on our personal lives.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Morning, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: [chuckles] Oh, Denise. I know it's morning. If it was last night I'd still be with my extremely pregnant ex-wife trying to get her to calm down with a chair and a whip because, believe it or not, I somehow managed to forget to bring home the curly fries. Do you see where I'm going here? Yes, no, maybe so? Talk to her.
Nurse Roberts: The man's got troubles.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hey, Lisa, how you doing?
Lisa: J.D., I can't give you free gum.
J.D.: I was thinking, you're probably one of those girls that's so pretty that no one has the courage to ask you out.
Lisa: No, I get asked out all the time.
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, momentary setback. Regroup. Regroup!
J.D.: Hey, go out with me. It's the right thing to do.
Lisa: Sure. Why not?
Children's choir: [sings] Hallelujah, hallelujah...
J.D.: Very funny, you dumb choir punks. Santa's a drunk.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Where were we?
Lisa: So what did you have in mind?
J.D.: I could think of a couple of things.
[fantasy: J.D., Lisa in the bathtub with Rowdy:]
Lisa: How does he get so dirty?
J.D.: Who the hell cares?

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Honestly, you- You have never looked so beautiful.
Jordan: It's the giant boobs, isn't it?
Dr. Cox: Well, have you seen them lately?
Jordan: Yes. Relax.
J.D.: I've seen bigger. No, not you. Although, kudos.
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Turk, come help me wrap presents.
Turk: Baby, do you realize how long it's been since we've had an afternoon off, just the two of us?
Carla: Yeah.
Turk: I mean, I'm thinking I should give you a sensual massage, rub your feet a little, and maybe, if you're interested, sex you up and whatnot.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Come here.
Turk: I'll get the TV.
Carla: No, you know what? Leave it on. I know how much you like The Jeffersons.
Turk: Baby, you're a gift from God. Here come Daddy! I'm gonna rock your world! ... [snores]
Carla: Turk, the show's starting.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I can't stop obsessing about this date I have tonight. What do you think I should do?
Dr. Cox: Well, I think you should go ahead and thank your lucky stars you finally found a gal who's into same-sex relationships.
J.D.: You know, Perry-
Dr. Cox: Perry?
J.D.: Yeah, I'm trying it out. You know, I find with the ladies, if you're clear with your intentions right off the bat, they just fall into place. AQ?
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: AQ is kind of a hip, new expression. It means "any questions?"
Dr. Cox: Look, please don't think I'm impressed because you managed to score a sympathy date with whatever homely looking chick is managing the gift shop nowadays.
Lisa: J.D., you ready to go?
J.D.: Oh, yeah, the word you're looking for is "wow," and the words I'm looking for are "in your face." Yeah, I'm ready. Let's get going. PO. Peace out.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [answers phone] Jordan, if you're feeling like crap, then I'll come straight home Of course, with the food. No, I don't necessarily know if there is anything bigger than a Super Size, but I'll ask the guy.
Jordan: Get two Super Sizes.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God.

Quote from Carla

Turk: Did I fall asleep?
Carla: Yes.
Turk: Was that before or after I rocked your world?
Carla: He's a good man. He's a good man. He's a good man.
Turk: Baby, you know I get nervous when you start chanting.
Carla: Turk, what happened to all my stuff? The massage, the bath, the feet? I let you watch The Jeffersons.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Baby, I was just exhausted from work.
Carla: Well, when you were an intern, you were exhausted from work, but you always made time for romance.
Turk: Oh, that's 'cause I was still trying to get into your delicates.
Carla: Oh, my God.

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode