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32Quotes from ‘My Monster’

Scrubs: My Monster

210. My Monster

Aired December 12, 2002

At Christmas, everyone is struggling with the hospital towering over their personal lives. J.D. goes on a date with Gift Shop Girl, but can't get in the mood. Turk is too tired to romance Carla. Elliot can't find time to search for a new place to live. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox struggles to keep up with work and take care of his heavily pregnant ex-wife.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid? What are you doing in here?
Elliot: Um, hi, Dr. Kelso. I was just... I was on call.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I have the call sheet right here and your name doesn't seem to be on it. But what do I know? I'm just a kindly old man who doesn't know the difference between a doctor on call and one who maybe just needs a warm bed for the night.
Elliot: Oh, I've just been so swamped with work I couldn't even make time to find a new place.
Dr. Kelso: I understand. Life is hard and all that. But if you want a bed in my hospital, you better have a damn rent check or a massive coronary in the next five seconds. And believe me, missy, either one's fine with me.
Elliot: Thank you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: No problem.

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Quote from J.D.

Turk: I fell you, man. I mean, I consider myself a romantic guy who's really stressed out and I thought the person who'd understand would be Carla.
Dr. Cox: I think the weird thing is that I'm really trying this time.
Turk: I just wonder if I'm what she really wants.
Dr. Cox: I wonder if I'll ever be able to make it work out with anyone.
J.D.: My peep's on the fritz.
Turk: Dude!
Dr. Cox: Poor Newbie.
J.D.: No, no, no. I'm talking about you guys. You guys are like my peeps, you're my dogs, and you're on the fritz, so that's where I get "peeps", "fritz" came from.
Dr. Cox: God love you, Newbie. [Turk whistles] Thank you for giving me some perspective.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: We're talking about you now, studly.
J.D.: OK, so I'm in a bit of a dry spell. I have no idea what to do with myself.
Turk: Why don't you give Rowdy a bath? He smells a little ripe.
J.D.: Please. I'm a young, single player with a heart of gold. I should be able to stir something up.
[cut to J.D. and Rowdy in the bath:]
J.D.: How do you get so dirty? [water gurgles] Rowdy.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Come to Papa. [J.D. clears his throat] Yeah, the coil didn't complete its revolution. My candy's just hanging there instead of dropping.
J.D.: OK, whatever. Look, if you're hungry, man, I can loan you a buck.
Janitor: A buck? What a kind offer from the charitable Dr. Money Bags.
J.D.: Look, you can either be a jerk as usual, or you can accept this gracious offer and get some caramel draped in nougat. Your choice, jumpsuit.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: So it appears Mrs. Watson has developed a post-op infection at her thyroidectomy site.
Mrs. Watson: Ow!
Dr. Cox: Newbie, when a patient has an infection, I make it a general policy not to actually push on it. Start Ancef, one gram Q eight hours and... Oh, my God, did I just ask my ex-wife to move in with me?
J.D.: Mm-hmm. [off Nurse Roberts' look] What? You don't own that.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I put all those flyers up and nobody wants me to live with them.
J.D.: Oh, come on, Elliot, I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a "clean, non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage."
Elliot: If you don't, it gets mildewy.
J.D.: You know, you should move in with my friend, Anal McLooney.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Can anyone tell me the bacterial etiology of toxic shock syndrome? Oh, I beg your pardon. With so many doctors standing around, I assumed it was rounds. But you were looking at the wall, so that means it's an art exhibit. When does the gay gentleman come round with the tray of champagne?
Elliot: Sir, my father cut me off-
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not bring-your-problems-to-work day. This is just work day.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [on the phone] Sure, Jordan. I guess you could take over the master bathroom. But could you do me a favor and leave my sleeping pills out in case when I get home I wanna take 300 of 'em? OK, bye.


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