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‘Our Role Models’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: Our Role Models

903. Our Role Models

Aired December 8, 2009

Lucy tries to find a doctor to shadow at the hospital. Denise is uncomfortable when she bonds with a patient's son. Meanwhile, J.D. is reluctant to step in when Dr. Cox pushes Drew too hard.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] There's no better way to celebrate saving a life than pretending to like beer.
J.D.: Oh, sticky.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yep, I'm sitting between my best bud and my abusive father figure, watching my new favorite thing.
J.D.: Footballing!
J.D.: [v.o.] They're staring. Quick, talk like a jock!
J.D.: Sports grass is so lovely.
Dr. Cox: Here I thought we weren't bringing our wives this evening.
Turk: Speaking of which, Carla can't make it to the Owl Cats game this Friday. We have an extra ticket.
J.D.: I'm in! I'm in! I gotta see this sports grass in person.

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Quote from Denise

Lucy: You want me to help Ryan through his mom's death?
Denise: It'll only be a few months. A year, tops. Come on. It'll be fun. It'll be like having a really sad pen pal.
Lucy: What are you doing? You should help him.
Denise: Listen up, Seabiscuit. Th isn't my wheelhouse, okay? It's taken me a long time to get to a point that I can be there emotionally for a patient. You know how I do it? Every second that they're here, I remind myself that once they leave this hospital, either on their own or in a box, they're no longer my problem anymore. Out the door, out of my head. It's the only way it works for me.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hey, man. I'm gonna hit the gym and sneak in a quick workout. Wanna come?
Turk: Sweating it out in a steam room isn't exercising, buddy.
J.D.: No, it's sit-cercising.

Quote from Lucy

Lucy: [v.o.] Flapjacks! Oh, thank God. I thought I was late for Dr. Cox's class. That would be the biggest mistake I could make.
Cole: Damn, girl. That was a workout.
Lucy: [v.o.] Okay, second biggest.
Cole: You know, normally, I like to sleep in, but part of me is an early riser.
Lucy: Wow. This should not have happened. Again. Not that it wasn't nice. You have small but surprisingly powerful hands. And almost no beard. It's like you were created in a lab for a woman's pleasure.
Cole: The thing about Cole is that-
Lucy: No, no. No third person.

Quote from Lucy

Lucy: [v.o.] I'm always psyched when Dr. D. asks me to swing by for office hours.
[J.D. and Lucy are sitting in a tree]
J.D.: So tell me, how's school going?
Lucy: Well, my hair is falling out in clumps, but that's not necessarily stress. I am getting older.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Lucy. You need to be prepared for when I leave.
J.D.: [v.o.] Damn it! Why bring her to the learning tree If you're not gonna use it in your inspiring talk?
J.D.: My point is, while I'm here, I'm yours, but you also need to branch out.
J.D.: [v.o.] Nailed it!
Lucy: I don't know if I can get through med school alone.
J.D.: Don't worry. Before I, uh, leaf...
J.D.: [v.o.] You're on fire.
J.D.: I'll make sure that you have a mentor you're as close to as I am to mine.
J.D.: [v.o.] Speak of the devil!
J.D.: Hey, Perry, you wanna hang out later?
Dr. Cox: Sure. And if we can't find any more climbing trees, we'll just head down to the old swimmin' hole and skip stones until the fireflies tell us it's suppertime.
J.D.: I assume that's a diss of some sort.

Quote from Denise

Lucy: [v.o.] I need a new mentor. Someone strong and not afraid to express emotions. Maybe a woman.
Denise: Give me my chips, you dirty bitch!
Lucy: [v.o.] Or her.
Denise: Help me shake this machine.
Lucy: Dr. Mahoney, I was wondering if it would be possible for me to, uh, shadow you in the hospital.
Denise: This is not over, you filthy whore! Shadow me? Sure. No, wait. I forgot you totally annoy me. Is there any way you could instantly change your entire personality?
Lucy: I guess I could try.
Denise: Even the way you said that was irritating.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Cox and I were drinking beer and watching sports, two things you hate.
J.D.: First of all, Turk, I've learned to pretend I enjoy beer. And secondly, I love sports.
Turk: The opening ceremonies for the Winter Olympics is not a sport,and you cried during it.
J.D.: Oh, you want to talk about crying? Let's talk about the end of Rudy.
Turk: Hold on! He got on the field at the end of the movie with his dad in... You know what? No. No, we're not going there.

Quote from Drew

Denise: Hey, watch a kid for me?
Drew: No, I'm afraid of kids.
Denise: He's 12.
Drew: I got shot by a 12-year-old at a petting zoo. Besides, I gotta change this shirt. The neck's choking me.
J.D.: We get it, Drew. You got a very muscular neck.

Quote from Turk

Turk: All right, team. This should be fairly straightforward. Scalpel.
J.D.: Drew's rubbing this t-shirt thing in my face.
Turk: J.D., what the hell? I'm in surgery.
J.D.: It's not even the right color for him. He's clearly an autumn.
Turk: You've lost it.
Patient: Dr. Turk is right.
Turk: You should be asleep. She should be asleep!
Dr. Bradley: That's my fault, sir. If anyone gets sued for this, it's gonna be me.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Okay, a patient has hypotension, hyperpigmentation of skin and hyponatremia. What diagnostic test should we run?
J.D.: Ooh! I know! I know!
Dr. Cox: Anyone but the board-certified doctor?
J.D.: Good call. I'll observe.
Drew: We do an A.C.T.H. stimulation test to diagnose-
J.D.: Addison's disease! It's Addison's disease!
Drew: I was gonna say that.
J.D.: Well, we'll never know, will we, Drew?
Dr. Cox: Walking tall, Dorian. Walking tall.
J.D.: [v.o.] Feeling tall, Perry.

Quote from Denise

Denise: Okay, I'll admit it. Kids are good for something.
[The patient's son has his arm ip the vending machine tray]
Ryan: I can get you the mints, but if you want these chips, I might dislocate my shoulder.
Denise: Chips.
Ryan: Fine. Ah, got 'em.
Denise: Nicely done.
Ryan: With my mom in the hospital all the time, I just figured out how to do this.
Denise: Yeah, I never knew my mom.
Ryan: You gonna cry about it?
Denise: No. [holds out chips] Here you go. [takes them back] Oh! You gonna cry about it?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Excluding Number One here, today's assignment is for everyone to drop out of medical school. Your parents' money would be better stuffed into garbage bags, packed into a rocket and shot into the sun.

Quote from Cole

Dr. Cox: Oh, my. This gentleman appears to be coding. What a delight. Who would like to dive in?
Cole: I'm on this.
Dr. Cox: Where the hell did you get a scalpel?
Cole: Uh, present from my unc. Handle's made from elephant tusk. It's mad illegal, yo.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Drew: Excuse me, Dr. Cox. I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, I have to apologize. I've made a lot of bad choices in life. Quick example, I accidentally, uh, set a shrimp boat on fire once. It was a long story. Another time. But, um, today was one of those bad choices. And if I had the power to go back in time-
J.D.: You know, Drew, we all wish we had superpowers, okay?
Dr. Cox: Do you know what the perfect superhero power would be?
Turk & J.D.: Candy hands!
Dr. Cox: For me, it would be the ability to get back all the time I wasted on people who eventually let me down.
Drew: Awesome.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Dude, think about it. Candy hands. Everything you touch turns to candy. Whoop! Candy lamp.
J.D.: Candy Perry!
Dr. Cox: [whistles] No candy Perry.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Why is the college mascot an Owl Cat? I don't even know what an Owl Cat is.
J.D.: I like to think it's what happens when an owl and a cat fall in love.

Quote from Lucy

Lucy: Oh. Dr. Mahoney.
Denise: Hey, I need to talk. [enters Lucy's room] Oh, my God. Were you raised by horses?
Lucy: No.
Lucy: [v.o.] I wish.
Lucy: I was just studying.
Cole: What's up, shorty?
Lucy: And fornicating. Cole, get back under the horse blanket, please.
Cole: I was thinking that maybe the three of us-
Lucy: Cole, horse blanket.

Quote from Lucy

Lucy: I still think you should do it, but I'll talk to Ryan.
Denise: Good.
Lucy: And another thing. I do love horses. They are God's most majestic creatures. If they could talk, they would be so very wise.

Quote from Drew

Drew: I've been in a pretty deep hole the past couple years. A lot of self-destructive stuff. Honestly, the only thing I've burnt more than shrimp boats is bridges. I need to change that.

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