Doug Murphy Quotes Page 1 of 3

Quote from My Way or the Highway

Dr. Kelso: Who gets to tell us the symptoms of Mnire's disease? Dr. Murphy.
Doug: Can you use it in a sentence?

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Quote from My Malpractice Decision

Elliot: Doug, I'm sorry, but I don't think you're cut out for being a doctor.
Pathologist: I cannot figure out how this guy died.
Doug: I'm betting he took a paracentesis needle to the aorta.
Pathologist: Have you seen this before?
Doug: Seen it? Upstairs they call that a "Doug"!
Elliot: You got any others you can't figure out?
[montage:]
Doug: Doctor prescribed overdosage of Fentanyl.
Doug: Dissected left main during a cardiac catheterization.
Doug: We look under Mr. Pancreas and there it is. [pulls out a bloody glove]
Pathologist: He's the best I've ever seen. Mind if we steal him from you?
Elliot: I can live with it.
Doug: Well, my work here is done. [removes gloves and throws them in the corpse's cavity]
Elliot: I'll get those.

Quote from My Manhood

J.D.: [v.o.] After putting a beat down on Turk, the last thing I wanted to do was be lame and hide in a supply closet.
[Turk laughs as he opens the supply closet, only to find it's empty]
J.D.: [v.o.] That's why I chose down here.
J.D.: Why are you here?
Doug: After all these years of putting on toe tags, I sort of developed a foot fetish. And you get tired of looking at dead ones, you know?
J.D.: No, Doug, I don't.

Quote from My Office

Carla: So, what are you guys gonna do now that your residencies are over?
Doug: Oh, I'm still a resident. Yeah, Dr. Kelso said I'm the first medical resident to repeat his third year in the entire history of the hospital!
Carla: That's a bad thing, Doug.
Doug: Oh, I'm staying positive.

Quote from My New Suit

Carla: Oh, what a cutie. Where'd this little guy come from?
J.D.: Doug found him in some dead guy's colon.
Carla: Ugh! [squeaks]
J.D.: Hey, little guy. Doug's still pretty upset about the whole thing.
Doug: Why would he live in there?

Quote from My Malpractice Decision

Doug: [enters room] Elliot, I know everyone thinks I'm this huge screw-up, but I just want you to know that I'm gonna turn it around.
Elliot: Doug, this is a quarantined area!

Quote from My Drama Queen

Dr. Kelso: Next catastrophe. Idiots.
Doug: I hate him so much.
Ted: Save it for our weekend bike ride.

Quote from My Way Home

[Doug wheels a body bag into the elevator]
J.D.: [v.o.] After trying to get out of the hospital vertically, I decided to go the horizontal route, hiding in a body bag.
J.D.: Can you press "lobby" please?
[J.D. screams as Doug hits the bag with a fire extinguisher]
J.D.: Doug! Why are you hitting me?
Doug: I thought you were dead, coming back to life!
J.D.: Then why were you hitting me?
Doug: Dead people should be dead!

Quote from My Coffee

Turk: Well, I don't see you giving the money back to cotton candy man.
J.D.: As a matter of fact, I already did.
[meanwhile in the morgue:]
Doug: A twenty. Score! Cool shirt.

Quote from My Big Bird

J.D.: [v.o.] A lot of weird things can happen in a hospital. Like Doug not getting a dead body out of his bed before rigor mortis sets in.
Doug: Ted, give me a hand. He's not gonna fit in the body bag like this, so lie across his feet and I'm going to push down his head and straighten him out.
Ted: Fun!
Doug: And one, two, three!
[Ted is flung across the room and hits the window]
Doug: Ted?

Quote from My Extra Mile

Doug: You know, whenever I lose something in the morgue, I just retrace my steps. Right now, I'm looking for something, and I know I came to the vending machine, then I dropped a quarter, which rolled over here, and, yep, there you are. As soon as you take your eyes off 'em, you lose 'em. They're like children. Big dead children.

Quote from My Waste of Time

Janitor: Nice work on the renovation, boys.
Doug: We also had an organ donor come into the morgue today, so I'd like to introduce our new mascot Barry Morris's brain.
Janitor: I dub that gross. Second? Okay. Note in the minutes as gross.

Quote from My Ocardial Infarction

Doug: You know, I don't really like you guys playing with my cadavers.
Elliot: Oh, really, Doug? So how come that one over there has a soda in his hand?
Doug: He keeps it cold.
J.D.: And how come when we walked in you were sitting in a circle with three corpses playing Texas hold 'em?
Doug: Just call first from now on.

Quote from My Dirty Secret

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, how about you start us off by describing the medical condition of your patient Mr.
Eronson here.
Doug: He's got hypertrophic cardiomyopathy with severe secondary pulmonary hypertension.
Dr. Kelso: Wrong. He's dead. Another one bites the dust, huh, sport?

Quote from My Dirty Secret

Doug: Hey, Dr. Kelso, none of my patients have died today.
Dr. Kelso: Really? Mr. Ferguson's corpse begs to differ.
Doug: Darn it!

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