Denise Mahoney Quotes Page 1 of 8

Quote from My Jerks

J.D.: [v.o.] There was Denise, who could be a bit callous.
Denise: You know, it's ironic that "cancer" starts we "can," because at this stage, there's nothing we can do about it.
J.D.: Let's take a walk, sunshine.

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Quote from My Last Words

J.D.: [v.o.] I know it seems callous to leave, but whoever takes care of George tonight will be just as compassionate as us.
Denise: Mr. Valentine, I'm Dr. Mahoney. My attending really wants me to connect with my patients so if it's okay with you, I'd thought I'd get the ball rolling in a personal story.
George: Okay, you can call me George.
Denise: Awesome, I'm feeling it. So George, last Friday, I'm at a bar. I take this guy home. He's a little fat, whatever, right? Plus, chubsters are so grateful, they usually try harder. Anyway, right in the middle of things, he's sweating and snorting like a hairy rhino. And I just start to hate myself. Like really, really hate myself. So without even thinking, I just headbutt him, right in the face. Bam, clock him in between the eyes and knock him out cold. So, that's what I got. What do you got going on?
George: I like golf.
J.D.: [v.o.] When you get down to it, taking care of a patient means more than anything. Even Steak Night.
Turk: Hey, George.
J.D.: We'll take it from here, chuckles.
Turk: Yeah. So long.
George: I think I just saw the Devil.

Quote from My ABC's

J.D.: All right, Denise. I'm going to kick your butt with scut work for a while. Still, I really want you to be yourself around me.
Denise: Do you really mean that, sir?
J.D.: [v.o.] Sir! Loving this girl's energy.
J.D.: I mean every word, young miss.
Denise: Well, buddy. You have no idea how psyched I am to hear that. I mean, I spent four years in med school talking like this so I wouldn't dare threaten all the male teachers who pee their pants every time they're even near a strong woman. Seriously, I am so happy to be done with all that, I could drop a deuce right here.
J.D.: Oh, well, don't do that here, Denise. Cause this is a hospital.
J.D.: [v.o.] What in god's name just happened?
Denise: By the way, how can you stand these scrubs? Mine are so far up my butt right now, I can taste them in my throat.
J.D.: You don't have to be yourself all the time, just some of the time.

Quote from My Absence

Denise: That old broad and her dead husband got my engine revving, too. I need some action. Luckily, cheeseburger day at the caf really brings out the fatties.
Elliot: Denise likes the big fellas.
Denise: Oh, check out the ripples on that gentleman. Ooh, it's like somebody threw a boulder in a pond. Fat dudes rule. They never expect commitment, and they try so hard in the sack.
Elliot: Plus, they're just so grateful afterwards.
Denise: Mm. Well, I'm just gonna put this out here for bait and see what ambles out of the forest.

Quote from My Absence

Dr. Kelso: So just call him already. You know you want to.
Elliot: No. I don't want to end up being an old lady who's so dependent on her partner that she just croaks right after he does.
Denise: I wish I was emotionally healthy enough to love someone so much that I died after they did. I was with that dude last night. The only way I'm going to die after him Is if he had a heart attack while he was on top of me. Crap, I just turned myself on. Rudy! Upstairs.
Dr. Kelso: God help me, I like that crazy bitch.

Quote from My Jerks

J.D.: Uh, upper right abdominal pain. What's your diagnosis, Jo?
Katie: I know.
J.D.: Of course you do, Katie, because you know anything that anyone's ever asked you ever. But I didn't ask you. I asked Jo.
Denise: Well, the patient definitely looks like hell, so-
J.D.: Quick side note. When a patient's eyes are open, that usually means that they're awake. Sorry, Mrs. Gallagher. You look very beautiful today. Doesn't she?
Denise: Yeah, your jaundice makes you glow.
J.D.: Yes, yellow like the sun.

Quote from My Last Words

J.D.: For starters, I heard he smokes plants. Still, I need you to connect with your patients, okay? If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some?
Denise: Yo, Mr. Harris? Sucks you'll never walk again.
Man: [o.s.] Hell yeah, it does.
Denise: Better, right?
J.D.: No, no, Jo. He lost his feet.

Quote from My Last Words

Denise: Wow, it's kind of emotional in here. You guys keep this up eventually, you'll all get your periods on the same day, which is kinda cool.
J.D.: Denise, a quick word. Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and ban you from Mr. Valentine's room.
Denise: Whatever. All the patients are stable, so I'm just gonna go catch some Z's in the on-call room.
J.D.: Who's the chubster?
Denise: I don't know. [to the man] Meet me in the on-call room, pants down, lights off.
Man: I just want to say, I am so psyched that you called me back-
Denise: No, no, no talking. And if you touch me too much, God help me, I will headbutt you again.
Man: I love you.

Quote from My Cookie Pants

J.D.: [v.o.] Mr. Lawton, one of my favorite patients, was back. Unfortunately, Jo was his intern.
J.D.: Hi. How's it going over here?
Mr. Lawton: Well, young Dr. Mahoney was just observing that my heart disease was, uh, uh... What was that, sweetheart?
Denise: A giant buzzkill.
J.D.: Jo.
Denise: What? I was on cloud nine this morning. Had a good night's sleep, hot shower, big ol' pancake breakfast. Then bang, chronic heart disease. Buzzkill.
J.D.: Well, I-I'm sure Mr. Lawton feels horrible that his condition annoyed you.
Denise: I doubt it.
J.D.: She doubts it.

Quote from My Cookie Pants

Denise: Look, I know I'm horrible with patients, but I make one lucky call with Mr. Lawton's endoscopy, and now you're not gonna push me anymore to be better?
J.D.: Okay, you're not the mayor of Crazy Town, you're the emperor.
Denise: At least when you gave me crap, I knew you were trying to help, but now you're just giving up on me?
J.D.: What do you care? You don't even listen to me.
Denise: What? I've been busting my ass trying to be more caring with the patients. Remember when Mr.
Lawton was uncomfortable?
[flashback to Denise giving Mr. Lawton another a pillow]
J.D.: That must have been so hard for you.
Denise: Yeah, I'm still mad thinking about it.

Quote from My Absence

Dr. Cox: Hello. If it's all right with everyone, I'd like to begin this morning's rounds with a joke. Denise.
Denise: Mm, I don't really have one.
Dr. Cox: No, I meant that you were the joke.
Denise: Oh. Good one.
Dr. Cox: Thanks. I thought of it this morning while I was watching you try to jam a catheter Into Mr. Hazleton.
Denise: Yeah, he was a screamer.

Quote from My Full Moon

Derek: Wait, wait. Why is this happening?
Denise: That whole pathetic, no self-esteem thing you have going on right now, I'm really vibing that. That's why I used to date fat guys.
Derek: You know, the reason why I work my body so much now is cause I was kind of a heavy kid.
Denise: How heavy?
Derek: 260.
Denise: Oh, God. [kisses Derek]

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