Denise Mahoney Quotes Page 1 of 7

Quote from My ABC's

J.D.: All right, Denise. I'm going to kick your butt with scut work for a while. Still, I really want you to be yourself around me.
Denise: Do you really mean that, sir?
J.D.: [v.o.] Sir! Loving this girl's energy.
J.D.: I mean every word, young miss.
Denise: Well, buddy. You have no idea how psyched I am to hear that. I mean, I spent four years in med school talking like this so I wouldn't dare threaten all the male teachers who pee their pants every time they're even near a strong woman. Seriously, I am so happy to be done with all that, I could drop a deuce right here.
J.D.: Oh, well, don't do that here, Denise. Cause this is a hospital.
J.D.: [v.o.] What in god's name just happened?
Denise: By the way, how can you stand these scrubs? Mine are so far up my butt right now, I can taste them in my throat.
J.D.: You don't have to be yourself all the time, just some of the time.

Rate

Quote from My Jerks

J.D.: [v.o.] There was Denise, who could be a bit callous.
Denise: You know, it's ironic that "cancer" starts we "can," because at this stage, there's nothing we can do about it.
J.D.: Let's take a walk, sunshine.

Quote from My Absence

Denise: That old broad and her dead husband got my engine revving, too. I need some action. Luckily, cheeseburger day at the caf really brings out the fatties.
Elliot: Denise likes the big fellas.
Denise: Oh, check out the ripples on that gentleman. Ooh, it's like somebody threw a boulder in a pond. Fat dudes rule. They never expect commitment, and they try so hard in the sack.
Elliot: Plus, they're just so grateful afterwards.
Denise: Mm. Well, I'm just gonna put this out here for bait and see what ambles out of the forest.

Quote from My Last Words

J.D.: [v.o.] I know it seems callous to leave, but whoever takes care of George tonight will be just as compassionate as us.
Denise: Mr. Valentine, I'm Dr. Mahoney. My attending really wants me to connect with my patients so if it's okay with you, I'd thought I'd get the ball rolling in a personal story.
George: Okay, you can call me George.
Denise: Awesome, I'm feeling it. So George, last Friday, I'm at a bar. I take this guy home. He's a little fat, whatever, right? Plus, chubsters are so grateful, they usually try harder. Anyway, right in the middle of things, he's sweating and snorting like a hairy rhino. And I just start to hate myself. Like really, really hate myself. So without even thinking, I just headbutt him, right in the face. Bam, clock him in between the eyes and knock him out cold. So, that's what I got. What do you got going on?
George: I like golf.
J.D.: [v.o.] When you get down to it, taking care of a patient means more than anything. Even Steak Night.
Turk: Hey, George.
J.D.: We'll take it from here, chuckles.
Turk: Yeah. So long.
George: I think I just saw the Devil.

Quote from My Absence

Dr. Kelso: So just call him already. You know you want to.
Elliot: No. I don't want to end up being an old lady who's so dependent on her partner that she just croaks right after he does.
Denise: I wish I was emotionally healthy enough to love someone so much that I died after they did. I was with that dude last night. The only way I'm going to die after him Is if he had a heart attack while he was on top of me. Crap, I just turned myself on. Rudy! Upstairs.
Dr. Kelso: God help me, I like that crazy bitch.

Quote from Our First Day of School

Denise: Okay. I hope everyone enjoyed orientation with Dr. Cox. I'm Dr. Mahoney, your student advisor. Here's some crappy pizza. Commence feeding.

Quote from Our First Day of School

Denise: I guess I should answer any annoying questions you all have. Yeah, monkey nuts.
Lucy: Uh, I just wanted to thank you, on behalf of all of us, for getting us pizza.
Lucy: [v.o.] There. Smelling incident fixed.
Denise: Yeah, they gave me money to do it, along with free room and board to attend to your emotional needs. Speaking of which, little administrative thing. If you're going to kill yourself - I'm looking at you, sad eyes - Do it off campus, 'cause it is a butt-load of paperwork.

Quote from My Cookie Pants

J.D.: [v.o.] Mr. Lawton, one of my favorite patients, was back. Unfortunately, Jo was his intern.
J.D.: Hi. How's it going over here?
Mr. Lawton: Well, young Dr. Mahoney was just observing that my heart disease was, uh, uh... What was that, sweetheart?
Denise: A giant buzzkill.
J.D.: Jo.
Denise: What? I was on cloud nine this morning. Had a good night's sleep, hot shower, big ol' pancake breakfast. Then bang, chronic heart disease. Buzzkill.
J.D.: Well, I-I'm sure Mr. Lawton feels horrible that his condition annoyed you.
Denise: I doubt it.
J.D.: She doubts it.

Quote from My Full Moon

Derek: Wait, wait. Why is this happening?
Denise: That whole pathetic, no self-esteem thing you have going on right now, I'm really vibing that. That's why I used to date fat guys.
Derek: You know, the reason why I work my body so much now is cause I was kind of a heavy kid.
Denise: How heavy?
Derek: 260.
Denise: Oh, God. [kisses Derek]

Quote from My Cookie Pants

Denise: Look, I know I'm horrible with patients, but I make one lucky call with Mr. Lawton's endoscopy, and now you're not gonna push me anymore to be better?
J.D.: Okay, you're not the mayor of Crazy Town, you're the emperor.
Denise: At least when you gave me crap, I knew you were trying to help, but now you're just giving up on me?
J.D.: What do you care? You don't even listen to me.
Denise: What? I've been busting my ass trying to be more caring with the patients. Remember when Mr.
Lawton was uncomfortable?
[flashback to Denise giving Mr. Lawton another a pillow]
J.D.: That must have been so hard for you.
Denise: Yeah, I'm still mad thinking about it.

Quote from Our Stuff Gets Reals

Denise: Do I still have to hang out with you as your confidant even though there's not a chance in hell you're gonna listen to anything I say?
Dr. Cox: Yes.
Denise: You know, just because one of those old, married people croaked doesn't mean you or Jordan are gonna die.
Dr. Cox: I shouldn't have brought the will to the hospital. It was a rookie mistake. I mean, around here, you just can't let your work and your personal life overlap.
Denise: Yeah, that was always Ally McBeal's problem, too. It's so hard being a working woman in the mid '90s.

Quote from Our Role Models

Lucy: You want me to help Ryan through his mom's death?
Denise: It'll only be a few months. A year, tops. Come on. It'll be fun. It'll be like having a really sad pen pal.
Lucy: What are you doing? You should help him.
Denise: Listen up, Seabiscuit. Th isn't my wheelhouse, okay? It's taken me a long time to get to a point that I can be there emotionally for a patient. You know how I do it? Every second that they're here, I remind myself that once they leave this hospital, either on their own or in a box, they're no longer my problem anymore. Out the door, out of my head. It's the only way it works for me.

Quote from My Jerks

J.D.: Uh, upper right abdominal pain. What's your diagnosis, Jo?
Katie: I know.
J.D.: Of course you do, Katie, because you know anything that anyone's ever asked you ever. But I didn't ask you. I asked Jo.
Denise: Well, the patient definitely looks like hell, so-
J.D.: Quick side note. When a patient's eyes are open, that usually means that they're awake. Sorry, Mrs. Gallagher. You look very beautiful today. Doesn't she?
Denise: Yeah, your jaundice makes you glow.
J.D.: Yes, yellow like the sun.

Quote from My Absence

Dr. Cox: Hello. If it's all right with everyone, I'd like to begin this morning's rounds with a joke. Denise.
Denise: Mm, I don't really have one.
Dr. Cox: No, I meant that you were the joke.
Denise: Oh. Good one.
Dr. Cox: Thanks. I thought of it this morning while I was watching you try to jam a catheter Into Mr. Hazleton.
Denise: Yeah, he was a screamer.

Quote from My Last Words

J.D.: For starters, I heard he smokes plants. Still, I need you to connect with your patients, okay? If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some?
Denise: Yo, Mr. Harris? Sucks you'll never walk again.
Man: [o.s.] Hell yeah, it does.
Denise: Better, right?
J.D.: No, no, Jo. He lost his feet.

Page 2