Dr. Cox: I gotta tell you there, Supercuts, I've seen a lot of crazy things at this hospital. I've seen smokers live to be a 100, and I've seen tri-athletes come in here and drop dead at 20. I've seen unbridled joy, and I've seen debilitating pain. But I never thought I'd see a jumpsuit-wearing, van-driving, vomit-cleaning, no-good, confounded, Frankenstein-looking buffoon like you get a girl like Barbie.
Janitor: I'm gonna paint your Porsche mint green so it looks like my van's baby.

J.D.: [v.o.] So Molly's back in town. She definitely wants me.
Dr. Molly Clock: [on the phone] Bye. How you doing, J.J.?
J.D.: It's J.D.
Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, right. I was just thinking of that Jimmie Walker sitcom.
J.D.: Good Times?
Dr. Molly Clock: Not great. My sister had a miscarriage.

Janitor: Gentlemen, crazy eyes Margo, I've called the brain trust together for one reason. I have to find a way to make blonde doctor mine.
Randall: Burn down her apartment.
Troy: I have an idea, but we're gonna need a tugboat.
Janitor: Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys. We call this a brain trust, and I'm the one with all the solutions. I saved you from that eagle, Randall. I saved your job, Troy. And, Margo, I found your birth mother. She was a tree person, remember? There's no shame in that. Sorry, guys, but I've had enough. I'm afraid I have to find a new brain trust. [to Todd, Ted and Doug] Gentlemen I don't want to appear selfish, but stop what you're doing and focus on me.

J.D.: [v.o.] Kylie and I still hadn't slept together, but I had a feeling her 4-week booty embargo was about to end.
Kylie: I have a surprise for you tonight.
J.D.: [v.o.] God, I hope it's sex. Or a pony. I'll bet it's sex 'cause I don't see a pony.
Kylie: Wait right here. [holding a vanity plate reading "J.D. MD"] It's for your scooter. What are you doing?
J.D.: Nothing, I was just gonna do a little laundry. I assume your facilities are in-building?
Kylie: Why is it always about sex with you?
J.D.: It's not. Look, Kylie, I'm just really proud of my abs. Or ab.

Janitor: Um, we should be friends.
Dr. Molly Clock: Okay.
Janitor: Do you like vanning?
Dr. Molly Clock: I don't know what that is.
Janitor: It's kind of my thing. It's like taking a long drive in a car, only it's in a van.
Dr. Molly Clock: I'm still not getting it.
Janitor: Can you hold on for one sec? [to himself] She's an idiot.

Dr. Molly Clock: [to Elliot] And then, I got so flexible, I could put my legs behind my head.
Kylie: [on the phone] J.D., are you there?
Dr. Molly Clock: You should come.
Elliot: Oh, frick on a stick. Look, I gotta get going. I want to hear the rest of the story. Don't forget where we were.
J.D.: Feet up behind her head.
Kylie: Who has their feet behind their head?
J.D.: A patient, Kylie. Horrible car accident. You gotta wear your seat belt, I'm tellin' you, even around the block.

Dr. Cox: Well, if it isn't Marginally Attractive and The Beast. How did the Porsche drive?
Elliot: Wait, why did we just go out if you already have his car?
Dr. Cox: Oh, my goodness. He actually tricked you into a date. This is so very delicious and filling, I don't think I'm going to be able to eat the rest of the evening. In fact, I honestly don't think I can have one more bite of your painful humiliation. I find I'm just a little stuffed. I will take my keys to go, though. Yippee!

Turk: Hey, hey. There he is. My buddy hit it and quit it, didn't he?
J.D.: [v.o.] Hell, no.
J.D.: Hell, yes. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my nightly ritual.
J.D.: [v.o.] Pleasure myself, weep and repeat.

Elliot: Okay, if the patient is in shock, the first thing we want to try to do is assess intravascular volume.
Dr. Cox: [imitates buzzer]
Elliot: What? That's right.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I know. I wasn't [imitates buzzer]-ing you to indicate an incorrect answer, I was [imitates buzzer]-ing you because I was bored, and I thought that just might drive you crazy.
Elliot: Oh, you're a wonderful teacher. Stop [imitates buzzer]-ing me in front of my residents. It's unprofessional.
Dr. Cox: You're right, Barbie. Carry on.
Elliot: So, when you're dealing with cardiogenic shock... It's best to start fluid resuscitation.
Dr. Cox: Bong!

Janitor: You know, I don't really appreciate you messing with my lady.
Dr. Cox: Your lady?
Janitor: Blonde doctor and I are gonna end up together. And I'm talking the whole shebang. House in the 'burbs, Volvo in the driveway, dog-fighting ring in the basement.
Dr. Cox: I guess it wouldn't be the first time the janitor got the girl. Oh, wait a minute. Yes, it would.
Janitor: You want to place a wager?
Dr. Cox: I do, but here I really have no need for a cracked thermos and 2 pounds of keys. How about my van for your Porsche? I suppose when I win, I could destroy your vehicle and make a watch, couldn't I? Bet.
Janitor: Bet.