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42Quotes from ‘My Best Laid Plans’

Scrubs: My Best Laid Plans

419. My Best Laid Plans

Aired March 1, 2005

As J.D. and Kylie (Chrystee Pharris) get close to taking their relationship to the next level, Dr. Molly Clock (Heather Graham) returns to the hospital. Meanwhile, Carla is upset when she learns Turk has been talking with one of his old girlfriends, and the Janitor bets Dr. Cox that he could get Elliot to go out on a date with him.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: I gotta tell you there, Supercuts, I've seen a lot of crazy things at this hospital. I've seen smokers live to be a 100, and I've seen tri-athletes come in here and drop dead at 20. I've seen unbridled joy, and I've seen debilitating pain. But I never thought I'd see a jumpsuit-wearing, van-driving, vomit-cleaning, no-good, confounded, Frankenstein-looking buffoon like you get a girl like Barbie.
Janitor: I'm gonna paint your Porsche mint green so it looks like my van's baby.

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Quote from Dr. Molly Clock

J.D.: [v.o.] So Molly's back in town. She definitely wants me.
Dr. Molly Clock: [on the phone] Bye. How you doing, J.J.?
J.D.: It's J.D.
Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, right. I was just thinking of that Jimmie Walker sitcom.
J.D.: Good Times?
Dr. Molly Clock: Not great. My sister had a miscarriage.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Gentlemen, crazy eyes Margo, I've called the brain trust together for one reason. I have to find a way to make blonde doctor mine.
Randall: Burn down her apartment.
Troy: I have an idea, but we're gonna need a tugboat.
Janitor: Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys. We call this a brain trust, and I'm the one with all the solutions. I saved you from that eagle, Randall. I saved your job, Troy. And, Margo, I found your birth mother. She was a tree person, remember? There's no shame in that. Sorry, guys, but I've had enough. I'm afraid I have to find a new brain trust. [to Todd, Ted and Doug] Gentlemen I don't want to appear selfish, but stop what you're doing and focus on me.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Kylie and I still hadn't slept together, but I had a feeling her 4-week booty embargo was about to end.
Kylie: I have a surprise for you tonight.
J.D.: [v.o.] God, I hope it's sex. Or a pony. I'll bet it's sex 'cause I don't see a pony.
Kylie: Wait right here. [holding a vanity plate reading "J.D. MD"] It's for your scooter. What are you doing?
J.D.: Nothing, I was just gonna do a little laundry. I assume your facilities are in-building?
Kylie: Why is it always about sex with you?
J.D.: It's not. Look, Kylie, I'm just really proud of my abs. Or ab.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Um, we should be friends.
Dr. Molly Clock: Okay.
Janitor: Do you like vanning?
Dr. Molly Clock: I don't know what that is.
Janitor: It's kind of my thing. It's like taking a long drive in a car, only it's in a van.
Dr. Molly Clock: I'm still not getting it.
Janitor: Can you hold on for one sec? [to himself] She's an idiot.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Molly Clock: [to Elliot] And then, I got so flexible, I could put my legs behind my head.
Kylie: [on the phone] J.D., are you there?
Dr. Molly Clock: You should come.
Elliot: Oh, frick on a stick. Look, I gotta get going. I want to hear the rest of the story. Don't forget where we were.
J.D.: Feet up behind her head.
Kylie: Who has their feet behind their head?
J.D.: A patient, Kylie. Horrible car accident. You gotta wear your seat belt, I'm tellin' you, even around the block.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Well, if it isn't Marginally Attractive and The Beast. How did the Porsche drive?
Elliot: Wait, why did we just go out if you already have his car?
Dr. Cox: Oh, my goodness. He actually tricked you into a date. This is so very delicious and filling, I don't think I'm going to be able to eat the rest of the evening. In fact, I honestly don't think I can have one more bite of your painful humiliation. I find I'm just a little stuffed. I will take my keys to go, though. Yippee!

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Hey, hey. There he is. My buddy hit it and quit it, didn't he?
J.D.: [v.o.] Hell, no.
J.D.: Hell, yes. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my nightly ritual.
J.D.: [v.o.] Pleasure myself, weep and repeat.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Okay, if the patient is in shock, the first thing we want to try to do is assess intravascular volume.
Dr. Cox: [imitates buzzer]
Elliot: What? That's right.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I know. I wasn't [imitates buzzer]-ing you to indicate an incorrect answer, I was [imitates buzzer]-ing you because I was bored, and I thought that just might drive you crazy.
Elliot: Oh, you're a wonderful teacher. Stop [imitates buzzer]-ing me in front of my residents. It's unprofessional.
Dr. Cox: You're right, Barbie. Carry on.
Elliot: So, when you're dealing with cardiogenic shock... It's best to start fluid resuscitation.
Dr. Cox: Bong!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: You know, I don't really appreciate you messing with my lady.
Dr. Cox: Your lady?
Janitor: Blonde doctor and I are gonna end up together. And I'm talking the whole shebang. House in the 'burbs, Volvo in the driveway, dog-fighting ring in the basement.
Dr. Cox: I guess it wouldn't be the first time the janitor got the girl. Oh, wait a minute. Yes, it would.
Janitor: You want to place a wager?
Dr. Cox: I do, but here I really have no need for a cracked thermos and 2 pounds of keys. How about my van for your Porsche? I suppose when I win, I could destroy your vehicle and make a watch, couldn't I? Bet.
Janitor: Bet.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Why are you talking to your college girlfriend?
Turk: We're just friends.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, just friends. I was just friends once with a Vietnamese girl. Long story short, I'm on the hook for sending Trong Tri Kelso to college, and he doesn't want to go to a state school.

Quote from Ted

Todd: So once you got the hole in the bottom of the popcorn box, it's basically just a waiting game.
Doug: And for the record, that technique does not work with hot nachos.
Ted: You want to get Elliot, you get in good with her best friend.
Janitor: Who's Elliot?
Ted: Trust me. The way I got my girlfriend in junior high was by getting her best friend to like me.
Janitor: And how'd you do that?
Ted: Oh, I posed as her dad so she could rent a car. I lost my hair in eighth grade.
Todd: Tough break five.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: So, this trip to India sounds so exotic.
J.D.: [on the phone] Hey, Kylie, I'm just calling to see how your day is going.
Dr. Molly Clock: [to Elliot] And sweat would just be dripping off our naked bodies.
J.D.: Naked sweat drips.
Kylie: What?
J.D.: Oh, nothing, Kylie. It's a new band called the Naked Sweat Drips. They have a great song called Perfect Breasts.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] If having my cake and eating it, too, meant being with Molly, then nothing was gonna get between us.
Elliot: Hey, guys, you going out?
J.D.: Yeah, you should come with us! [hits elevator button]
Dr. Molly Clock: That's the close button.
J.D.: No, it's a close button. When someone gets close, it activates a sensor that opens the door.
Dr. Molly Clock: Fancy.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no, she's got a pinkie hold. Elliot's got the finger strength of a rock-climbing jazz pianist.
Elliot: You were pressing the wrong button. [pokes J.D. with her finger; he falls over]

Quote from Ted

Janitor: Sorry, guys, can't go clubbing tonight. Daddy's got a date.
Ted: Oh, man! I ironed my going-out hair! [throws wig]

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: College was weird. I was so worried about being liked that I let my freshman roommate think we were dating for 3 months. We broke up at her sorority formal. Oh, nobody could snuggle like Daisy.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [to Todd, Ted and Doug] You guys are out. [to Randall and Troy] You guys are back in. Where's Margo?
Randall: She's at a Ludacris concert with her birth mom.
Janitor: I lose my van to him, and I lose Margo to gangster rap. Bad day.


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