J.D.: [v.o.] Even though it can be tough around here, sometimes God gives you little gifts to get you through the day.
[Dr. Cox trips on the Janitor's cart while carrying a drink]
Dr. Cox: You're gonna wanna grab a mop.
Janitor: Shush. I'm watching The Sixth Sense.
Dr. Cox: There's a mess in the hallway.
Janitor: This kid sees dead people.
Dr. Cox: That film is at least five years old.
Janitor: So what? I haven't seen it.
Dr. Cox: Bruce Willis is a ghost. He's been dead the entire time. [gasps] Oh! All the best.
Janitor: No! No!

J.D.: I'm going for it. But, you know, I gotta go in there hot. Turk, what's that joke that Mickhead always tells?
Turk: Dude, a guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." The dentist then says, "If you think you're a moth, why'd you come to the dentist's office?" The guy then says, "Well, the light was on."
J.D.: [laughs] That moth was crazy.
[later, to Kylie and James:]
J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guys walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "If you think you're a moth, why are you in a dentist's office?"
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no. I forgot the punch line. You can't bail out now. Stall, stall!
J.D.: So the moth says, "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I do dabble in orthodontry, braces and such," and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.: [v.o.] The light was on!
J.D.: "But to answer your original question, which was if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office, the answer is because the light was on." [Kylie laughs] The light. It was the light, James. Moths love light.

Carla: I'm just saying men let you down. J.D., you have to tell her.
Turk: Baby, when J.D. became a doctor, he took the Hippocratic oath. I'm sorry, but there's no way around it.
[fantasy: J.D. is playing "Hangman" with Kylie. The board reads "YOUR _SSWIPE BOYFRIEND H_S GONORRHE_":]
Kylie: Is there an "A"?
J.D.: Yes, there is.
Kylie: Yes!
[reality:]
J.D.: There may be a way around it.

Elliot: Go ahead. Call me sweetheart and tell me I'm a pathetic excuse for a doctor.
Dr. Kelso: You made a bold decision and it bit you in the keister.
Elliot: Yeah.
Dr. Kelso: I don't like people disagreeing with me. There's not another resident here who has the guts to do it.
Elliot: I just feel so guilty about Mr. Cheng. Could you at least just make fun of my bangs or something?
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, take it from a colleague, telling that family what happened after getting their hopes up is going to be far worse than any shot I can take at that John Denver haircut you're sporting.
Elliot: Did- Did you just call me a colleague?
Dr. Kelso: I did. But I hate my colleagues.

J.D.: [v.o.] Using patient histories to your advantage is an old doctor trick. Let's face it, what a doctor says and what they mean are often two different things.
Elliot: I know Dr. Robbins treated your husband but we'll approach this case differently.
[title: "Robbins is an idiot."]
Mrs. Cheng: And it's very comforting to have the chief of medicine here.
Dr. Kelso: I took a special interest in this case.
[title: "I was thinking about food, and I accidentally wandered over here."]

J.D.: [v.o.] What drives people to seek revenge?
Janitor: [British accent] So you don't want to know the ending of something. I can relate to that.
Dr. Cox: What is that in your lap?
Janitor: Leonard. Half-kitten, half-monkey.

Dr. Cox: Ooh, Barbie, you are up there without a net this time. I sure do hope Mr. Cheng rallies for you because if he doesn't, sure shootin', you're gonna be hearing Bob Kelso's voice saying, "Sweetheart, I told you so" from now until you're two inches shorter and driving around Florida with your left-hand blinker on.

Bouncer: All right, you three can go in.
J.D.: Word.
Bouncer: Uh-uh. You're out.
Carla: Oh, look, sir-
Turk: Baby, I got this. Listen here, man. My homey here, he's a little out of his mizzle, so I'm just saying for just a little bizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle.
Bouncer: You out, too.
Carla: Sir, this is for idiot number one, and this is for idiot number two.
Bouncer: Come on, you fool.

J.D.: [v.o.] After two hours of intense roboting I was parched. And that's when I saw Kylie.
J.D.: Hi. Can you make me an appletini?
Kylie: I hope so. It's my favourite drink.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God. That's a sign. If only she had my goofy sense of humor.
Kylie: We ran out of vodka. Let me go downstairs and get more. I've been working on my fake stair walk.
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, time to move in for the kill. Work the fact you're a doctor into the conversation. Just be subtle.
J.D.: I'm a doctor. John Dorian. Most of my patients live.

Elliot: Mr. Cheng's test results show that he's in renal failure. We're waiting for the results of his blood smear.
Dr. Kelso: No need, I saw his chart before I went to the bakery. He's got malaria.
Elliot: And you were going to tell him this after you had a sticky bun?
Dr. Kelso: Well, in my defense, he's going to live at least another 12 hours and the bakery closes at 5.00
Elliot: But we've gotta get moving on this. What should we do?
Dr. Kelso: Nothing. Mr. Cheng is not long for this world.