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32Quotes from ‘My Hypocritical Oath’

Scrubs: My Hypocritical Oath

415. My Hypocritical Oath

Aired February 1, 2005

After J.D. meets an attractive bartender, Kylie (Chrystee Pharris), he inadvertently ends up agreeing to treat her boyfriend at the clinic. Meanwhile, Elliot stands up to Dr. Kelso over a patient, and Dr. Cox tries to avoid learning the score to the Lakers/Heat game when he's forced to work a night shift.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Even though it can be tough around here, sometimes God gives you little gifts to get you through the day.
[Dr. Cox trips on the Janitor's cart while carrying a drink]
Dr. Cox: You're gonna wanna grab a mop.
Janitor: Shush. I'm watching The Sixth Sense.
Dr. Cox: There's a mess in the hallway.
Janitor: This kid sees dead people.
Dr. Cox: That film is at least five years old.
Janitor: So what? I haven't seen it.
Dr. Cox: Bruce Willis is a ghost. He's been dead the entire time. [gasps] Oh! All the best.
Janitor: No! No!

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I'm going for it. But, you know, I gotta go in there hot. Turk, what's that joke that Mickhead always tells?
Turk: Dude, a guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." The dentist then says, "If you think you're a moth, why'd you come to the dentist's office?" The guy then says, "Well, the light was on."
J.D.: [laughs] That moth was crazy.
[later, to Kylie and James:]
J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guys walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "If you think you're a moth, why are you in a dentist's office?"
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no. I forgot the punch line. You can't bail out now. Stall, stall!
J.D.: So the moth says, "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I do dabble in orthodontry, braces and such," and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.: [v.o.] The light was on!
J.D.: "But to answer your original question, which was if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office, the answer is because the light was on." [Kylie laughs] The light. It was the light, James. Moths love light.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: I'm just saying men let you down. J.D., you have to tell her.
Turk: Baby, when J.D. became a doctor, he took the Hippocratic oath. I'm sorry, but there's no way around it.
[fantasy: J.D. is playing "Hangman" with Kylie. The board reads "YOUR _SSWIPE BOYFRIEND H_S GONORRHE_":]
Kylie: Is there an "A"?
J.D.: Yes, there is.
Kylie: Yes!
[reality:]
J.D.: There may be a way around it.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Go ahead. Call me sweetheart and tell me I'm a pathetic excuse for a doctor.
Dr. Kelso: You made a bold decision and it bit you in the keister.
Elliot: Yeah.
Dr. Kelso: I don't like people disagreeing with me. There's not another resident here who has the guts to do it.
Elliot: I just feel so guilty about Mr. Cheng. Could you at least just make fun of my bangs or something?
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, take it from a colleague, telling that family what happened after getting their hopes up is going to be far worse than any shot I can take at that John Denver haircut you're sporting.
Elliot: Did- Did you just call me a colleague?
Dr. Kelso: I did. But I hate my colleagues.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] Using patient histories to your advantage is an old doctor trick. Let's face it, what a doctor says and what they mean are often two different things.
Elliot: I know Dr. Robbins treated your husband but we'll approach this case differently.
[title: "Robbins is an idiot."]
Mrs. Cheng: And it's very comforting to have the chief of medicine here.
Dr. Kelso: I took a special interest in this case.
[title: "I was thinking about food, and I accidentally wandered over here."]

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] What drives people to seek revenge?
Janitor: [British accent] So you don't want to know the ending of something. I can relate to that.
Dr. Cox: What is that in your lap?
Janitor: Leonard. Half-kitten, half-monkey.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Ooh, Barbie, you are up there without a net this time. I sure do hope Mr. Cheng rallies for you because if he doesn't, sure shootin', you're gonna be hearing Bob Kelso's voice saying, "Sweetheart, I told you so" from now until you're two inches shorter and driving around Florida with your left-hand blinker on.

Quote from Turk

Bouncer: All right, you three can go in.
J.D.: Word.
Bouncer: Uh-uh. You're out.
Carla: Oh, look, sir-
Turk: Baby, I got this. Listen here, man. My homey here, he's a little out of his mizzle, so I'm just saying for just a little bizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle.
Bouncer: You out, too.
Carla: Sir, this is for idiot number one, and this is for idiot number two.
Bouncer: Come on, you fool.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] After two hours of intense roboting I was parched. And that's when I saw Kylie.
J.D.: Hi. Can you make me an appletini?
Kylie: I hope so. It's my favourite drink.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God. That's a sign. If only she had my goofy sense of humor.
Kylie: We ran out of vodka. Let me go downstairs and get more. I've been working on my fake stair walk.
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, time to move in for the kill. Work the fact you're a doctor into the conversation. Just be subtle.
J.D.: I'm a doctor. John Dorian. Most of my patients live.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Mr. Cheng's test results show that he's in renal failure. We're waiting for the results of his blood smear.
Dr. Kelso: No need, I saw his chart before I went to the bakery. He's got malaria.
Elliot: And you were going to tell him this after you had a sticky bun?
Dr. Kelso: Well, in my defense, he's going to live at least another 12 hours and the bakery closes at 5.00
Elliot: But we've gotta get moving on this. What should we do?
Dr. Kelso: Nothing. Mr. Cheng is not long for this world.

Quote from Turk

Turk: How are things going with Kylie?
J.D.: OK. Is there some special way to get a black girl to like you?
Turk: Dude, the only difference between a black girl and a white girl is that when a black girl asks you if her ass looks big, you say, "Hell, yeah."

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I've thought about it, and I am not going to just wait for Mr. Cheng to die.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Are you kidding me? Barbie going toe to toe with Big Bob in a battle of the annoyings? Well, happy birthday to me.
Elliot: We should do an exchange transfusion.
Dr. Cox: [imitates sports commentator] The southpaw with the blonde bangs and big britches comes out swinging!
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, the man is 72 and in multi-system organ dysfunction. It's done. It's parasites one, person zero. And if you tell that family he's got a chance, all you're doing is raising their hopes.
Dr. Cox: Oh, tremendous body blow.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, and for the record, we're not colleagues. I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Ding, ding, ding, ding. And the fight goes to the stocky middleweight from Monroeville, Pennsylvania.
Dr. Kelso: By the way, Perry, Mickhead called in sick. I need you to work tonight.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: There is no chance I am missing this game. No chance, no how. What the- Say, Bob, what the hell happened in your office?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, every year, the med students get me with a practical joke. They messed with the speed control on my treadmill. What I can't figure is how they got into my office.
[flashback:]
Ted: Here's the key to Kelso's office.
Dr. Cox: And here's Nurse Tisdale's phone number.
[present:]
Dr. Cox: I don't have any idea how they might've gotten in here, Bob. But I can tell you this, if you think I'm missing the biggest game of the year-
Dr. Kelso: I hate to interrupt you, but I'm still woozy from being shot into my wall like a lawn dart, so why don't you just go work your shift and use my VCR to tape the game?
Dr. Cox: When did you get this?
Dr. Kelso: Right about the time we couldn't afford that MRI machine.
Dr. Cox: Of course you did.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Listen up. I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads, which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game, and seeing as no one in the history of this germbox has ever made made it through a shift without saying, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties? A 900-pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for 20 minutes." Be warned. If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last. Now get out! Go, go, go, go! Chop, chop!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: I convinced everybody in this hospital that's afraid of me to go outside and spell out the score of the game.
Dr. Cox: Really?
Janitor: No, you idiot. I'm just gonna tell you the score of the game. Maybe knock your head against the glass.
Dr. Cox: Look, I was way out of line telling you how that movie ended, but, God save me, watching sports is one of the last pure pleasures I have left in my life, so you tell me what's it gonna take for you to let me go home, sit in my massage chair, and enjoy the game?
Janitor: I would like to perform open heart surgery.
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: How about you perform surgery on me so that I can breathe underwater?
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: I would like a shark that read minds.
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: You and I trade lives for a year.
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: How about a home-cooked meal and an hour in your massage chair?
Dr. Cox: Done.
Janitor: Done.
[The Janitor walks over to the window and looks outside, where a large group of hospital staff have arranged themselves to spell out "98-97"]
Janitor: Hey, guys, it's off.
[He looks again and they have rearranged themselves to read "Why"]
Janitor: Wow! You guys are organised.

Quote from J.D.

Kylie: I should've brought my laptop. I could've gotten so much work done.
J.D.: You can bartend on-line?
Kylie: I just work at the bar to pay for grad school. I'm getting my master's in political science.
J.D.: I love politics! Ask me anything.
J.D.: [v.o.] What are you doing?! You don't know anything about politics! You're screwed unless she asks about Bush or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks.
Kylie: Did you know only 17% of people under the age of 25 voted last year?
J.D.: You can vote if you're under 25? [Kylie laughs]

Quote from Dr. Kelso

[As Dr. Cox finally watches the tape of the game:]
Announcer: [on tape] It's finally here the long-awaited showdown between Shaq and Kobe.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes the bad guy is the man you've been battling for as long as you can remember.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Perry! 98-97 Lakers. Kobe dunked over Shaq for the game winner. Don't ever mess with my treadmill.
Janitor: [vibrating] Is this homemade gravy?


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