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‘My Hypocritical Oath’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Scrubs: My Hypocritical Oath

415. My Hypocritical Oath

Aired February 1, 2005

After J.D. meets an attractive bartender, Kylie (Chrystee Pharris), he inadvertently ends up agreeing to treat her boyfriend at the clinic. Meanwhile, Elliot stands up to Dr. Kelso over a patient, and Dr. Cox tries to avoid learning the score to the Lakers/Heat game when he's forced to work a night shift.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Even though it can be tough around here, sometimes God gives you little gifts to get you through the day.
[Dr. Cox trips on the Janitor's cart while carrying a drink]
Dr. Cox: You're gonna wanna grab a mop.
Janitor: Shush. I'm watching The Sixth Sense.
Dr. Cox: There's a mess in the hallway.
Janitor: This kid sees dead people.
Dr. Cox: That film is at least five years old.
Janitor: So what? I haven't seen it.
Dr. Cox: Bruce Willis is a ghost. He's been dead the entire time. [gasps] Oh! All the best.
Janitor: No! No!


Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I'm going for it. But, you know, I gotta go in there hot. Turk, what's that joke that Mickhead always tells?
Turk: Dude, a guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." The dentist then says, "If you think you're a moth, why'd you come to the dentist's office?" The guy then says, "Well, the light was on."
J.D.: [laughs] That moth was crazy.
[later, to Kylie and James:]
J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guys walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "If you think you're a moth, why are you in a dentist's office?"
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no. I forgot the punch line. You can't bail out now. Stall, stall!
J.D.: So the moth says, "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I do dabble in orthodontry, braces and such," and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.: [v.o.] The light was on!
J.D.: "But to answer your original question, which was if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office, the answer is because the light was on." [Kylie laughs] The light. It was the light, James. Moths love light.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: I'm just saying men let you down. J.D., you have to tell her.
Turk: Baby, when J.D. became a doctor, he took the Hippocratic oath. I'm sorry, but there's no way around it.
[fantasy: J.D. is playing "Hangman" with Kylie. The board reads "YOUR _SSWIPE BOYFRIEND H_S GONORRHE_":]
Kylie: Is there an "A"?
J.D.: Yes, there is.
Kylie: Yes!
J.D.: There may be a way around it.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Go ahead. Call me sweetheart and tell me I'm a pathetic excuse for a doctor.
Dr. Kelso: You made a bold decision and it bit you in the keister.
Elliot: Yeah.
Dr. Kelso: I don't like people disagreeing with me. There's not another resident here who has the guts to do it.
Elliot: I just feel so guilty about Mr. Cheng. Could you at least just make fun of my bangs or something?
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, take it from a colleague, telling that family what happened after getting their hopes up is going to be far worse than any shot I can take at that John Denver haircut you're sporting.
Elliot: Did- Did you just call me a colleague?
Dr. Kelso: I did. But I hate my colleagues.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] Using patient histories to your advantage is an old doctor trick. Let's face it, what a doctor says and what they mean are often two different things.
Elliot: I know Dr. Robbins treated your husband but we'll approach this case differently.
[title: "Robbins is an idiot."]
Mrs. Cheng: And it's very comforting to have the chief of medicine here.
Dr. Kelso: I took a special interest in this case.
[title: "I was thinking about food, and I accidentally wandered over here."]

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] What drives people to seek revenge?
Janitor: [British accent] So you don't want to know the ending of something. I can relate to that.
Dr. Cox: What is that in your lap?
Janitor: Leonard. Half-kitten, half-monkey.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Ooh, Barbie, you are up there without a net this time. I sure do hope Mr. Cheng rallies for you because if he doesn't, sure shootin', you're gonna be hearing Bob Kelso's voice saying, "Sweetheart, I told you so" from now until you're two inches shorter and driving around Florida with your left-hand blinker on.

Quote from Turk

Bouncer: All right, you three can go in.
J.D.: Word.
Bouncer: Uh-uh. You're out.
Carla: Oh, look, sir-
Turk: Baby, I got this. Listen here, man. My homey here, he's a little out of his mizzle, so I'm just saying for just a little bizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle.
Bouncer: You out, too.
Carla: Sir, this is for idiot number one, and this is for idiot number two.
Bouncer: Come on, you fool.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] After two hours of intense roboting I was parched. And that's when I saw Kylie.
J.D.: Hi. Can you make me an appletini?
Kylie: I hope so. It's my favourite drink.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God. That's a sign. If only she had my goofy sense of humor.
Kylie: We ran out of vodka. Let me go downstairs and get more. I've been working on my fake stair walk.
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, time to move in for the kill. Work the fact you're a doctor into the conversation. Just be subtle.
J.D.: I'm a doctor. John Dorian. Most of my patients live.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Mr. Cheng's test results show that he's in renal failure. We're waiting for the results of his blood smear.
Dr. Kelso: No need, I saw his chart before I went to the bakery. He's got malaria.
Elliot: And you were going to tell him this after you had a sticky bun?
Dr. Kelso: Well, in my defense, he's going to live at least another 12 hours and the bakery closes at 5.00
Elliot: But we've gotta get moving on this. What should we do?
Dr. Kelso: Nothing. Mr. Cheng is not long for this world.

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