Previous Episode Next Episode 

39Quotes from ‘My Quarantine’

Scrubs: My Quarantine

416. My Quarantine

Aired February 8, 2005

A string of unfortunate events on J.D.'s first date with Kylie (Chrystee Pharris) lead them to the hospital. After J.D. offhandedly mentions the possibility a patient might have SARS, the entire I.C.U. is placed under quarantine. During the lockdown, Turk learns more about Carla's dating history, Dr. Cox is forced to chaperone his former sister-in-law, Danni (Tara Reid); and Nurse Roberts tries to keep people from eating her birthday "face cake".

Quote from J.D.

Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Man: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?

Rate

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Otherwise, let's bear in mind that we are short-handed. There are only 4 doctors here.
Turk: I counted more than that.
Dr. Cox: I'm talking legitimate doctors, turtle head. Here, pee pants is a pathologist, so he doesn't count. Johnson is a dermatologist, which is Greek for "fake doctor," and please don't even get me started on you four surgeons.
Todd: There's only two of us.
Dr. Cox: You are so very useless, I counted you both twice.
Todd: Yeah you did.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: J.D., seeing a young doctor do his job is an amazing turn-on for a girl. My dad's a doctor, and I remember how excited I was the first time I saw him work at the hospital. I mean, I didn't want to sleep with him, but there were definitely some complicated feelings. But that's totally normal for an 11-year-old, right? Anyway, yeah... I forget.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Thanks for the shirt, Lonnie.
Lonnie: Are you doing this because I forgot to shave this morning?
J.D.: [v.o.] Good lord! That's a one-day mustache?
J.D.: No, Lonnie. [to Kylie] It's so great, because the residents are practically our slaves.
J.D.: [v.o.] [screams] I just said slaves to my new black girlfriend!
Kylie: Unfreeze J.D. It's over.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: The only thing I detest more than treating patients, is treating patients on an empty stomach. I'm famished.
Janitor: We've been in here for 8 minutes.
Dr. Kelso: I haven't eaten since yesterday. I've been starving myself because I was going to a steakhouse tonight. It was just gonna be me, a 24-ounce porterhouse, and a fistful of blood thinners.

Quote from Carla

J.D.: Carla, when you first started dating Turk, didn't you tell him you loved watching NBA basketball every weekend?
Carla: Yeah.
J.D.: And how many games have you watched since he proposed?
Carla: One. But only because that time he made me choose between watching basketball or having sex.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: [v.o.] They say all horrible things eventually come to an end.
Dr. Kelso: The lab results are back, and there is no SARS. The quarantine is over. So, bye-bye, everyone. [waves]
[Nurse Roberts notices frosting on Dr. Kelso's thumb]
Nurse Roberts: That looks like my neck! [licks Dr. Kelso's thumb] Oh, this does not end well for you. Thanks for the heads up, jumpsuit.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] $120 for a stupid dead rat!
Kylie: I think it's so sweet that you're depressed about that poor little possum.
J.D.: I'll always remember him. Little Carlton. I named him after my uncle. He had red eyes. Allergic to preserves, but he spread 'em on everything, you know?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Mr. Donaldson hasn't been to Hong Kong in 20 years, so I bet my one remaining testicle no one has SARS. Unfortunately, by hospital policy, we have to stay locked down until the labs come back, and that's going to take several hours. So, let's hang in there, and not forget, this is all Dr. Dorian's fault.
J.D.: Kylie, angry mob. Angry mob, Kylie.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Danni: SARS sucks.
Dr. Cox: Okay, you can direct any technical questions to my former sister-in-law.
Danni: Hi.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Danni: Hey, grouchy pants. Do you wanna hang out?
Dr. Cox: Does "hang out" mean choke you?

Quote from Turk

Dr. Cox: Not here, not here, not here.
Turk: Danni!
Danni: Hi!
Dr. Cox: Oh, good! You're here. Seeing as we're amigos now, I was wondering if you could do me a solid. This bald, sad clown isn't really much of a nurse, so could you go ahead and keep an eye on him for me?
Danni: Yeah, sure. I'd love to. Hey, didn't I go to your wedding?
Turk: Yeah. You threw up on my gran-gran.

Quote from Turk

Turk: You can't smoke in here.
Danni: I don't see any signs.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hey, baby.
Carla: [to Turk] Keep it together.
Dr. Cox: Do you remember that quarantine we had seven years ago? It was just you and me, all alone, late at night in the ICU.
Turk: That's it.
Carla: Turk! [to Dr. Cox] You really had to do that?
Dr. Cox: Come on. If he wasn't such a jealous baby, it wouldn't be such a big deal.
Carla: Give him a break. What if you found out Jordan had a history with somebody here?
Dr. Cox: Oh, fair enough. Uh, hey, everyone. [whistles] In the brief 18 months that Jordan and I weren't together, how many of you had your way with her? [A lot of hands go up, but not J.D.'s] Bear in mind, I'm gonna need absolute honesty here or I will brain you. [J.D. briefly raises his hand] Anyway, whoever taught Jordan that reverse cowgirl position, it was long overdue, but thank you.
Dr. Mickhead: You're welcome.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: I don't understand why Carla didn't tell me about you guys.
Dr. Cox: Maybe it's because she's really in love with me, and together we injected you with diabetes to very slowly get you out of the picture. Or maybe it's because I really liked her but she didn't exactly feel the same way about me, and I got the forehead kiss after spending 90 stinking dollars on theater tickets. Or maybe, and this is a huge outside maybe, maybe she knows you're the kind of person who freaks out over irrelevant things from the past. Personally, I hope it's all three.


 Episode 415 Episode 417 
  Select another episode