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My Quarantine

‘My Quarantine’

Season 4, Episode 16 -  Aired February 8, 2005

A string of unfortunate events on J.D.'s first date with Kylie (Chrystee Pharris) lead them to the hospital. After J.D. offhandedly mentions the possibility a patient might have SARS, the entire I.C.U. is placed under quarantine. During the lockdown, Turk learns more about Carla's dating history, Dr. Cox is forced to chaperone his former sister-in-law, Danni (Tara Reid); and Nurse Roberts tries to keep people from eating her birthday "face cake".

Quote from J.D.

Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Man: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?


Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Otherwise, let's bear in mind that we are short-handed. There are only 4 doctors here.
Turk: I counted more than that.
Dr. Cox: I'm talking legitimate doctors, turtle head. Here, pee pants is a pathologist, so he doesn't count. Johnson is a dermatologist, which is Greek for "fake doctor," and please don't even get me started on you four surgeons.
Todd: There's only two of us.
Dr. Cox: You are so very useless, I counted you both twice.
Todd: Yeah you did.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: J.D., seeing a young doctor do his job is an amazing turn-on for a girl. My dad's a doctor, and I remember how excited I was the first time I saw him work at the hospital. I mean, I didn't want to sleep with him, but there were definitely some complicated feelings. But that's totally normal for an 11-year-old, right? Anyway, yeah... I forget.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Thanks for the shirt, Lonnie.
Lonnie: Are you doing this because I forgot to shave this morning?
J.D.: [v.o.] Good lord! That's a one-day mustache?
J.D.: No, Lonnie. [to Kylie] It's so great, because the residents are practically our slaves.
J.D.: [v.o.] [screams] I just said slaves to my new black girlfriend!
Kylie: Unfreeze J.D. It's over.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: The only thing I detest more than treating patients, is treating patients on an empty stomach. I'm famished.
Janitor: We've been in here for 8 minutes.
Dr. Kelso: I haven't eaten since yesterday. I've been starving myself because I was going to a steakhouse tonight. It was just gonna be me, a 24-ounce porterhouse, and a fistful of blood thinners.

Quote from Carla

J.D.: Carla, when you first started dating Turk, didn't you tell him you loved watching NBA basketball every weekend?
Carla: Yeah.
J.D.: And how many games have you watched since he proposed?
Carla: One. But only because that time he made me choose between watching basketball or having sex.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: [v.o.] They say all horrible things eventually come to an end.
Dr. Kelso: The lab results are back, and there is no SARS. The quarantine is over. So, bye-bye, everyone. [waves]
[Nurse Roberts notices frosting on Dr. Kelso's thumb]
Nurse Roberts: That looks like my neck! [licks Dr. Kelso's thumb] Oh, this does not end well for you. Thanks for the heads up, jumpsuit.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] $120 for a stupid dead rat!
Kylie: I think it's so sweet that you're depressed about that poor little possum.
J.D.: I'll always remember him. Little Carlton. I named him after my uncle. He had red eyes. Allergic to preserves, but he spread 'em on everything, you know?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Mr. Donaldson hasn't been to Hong Kong in 20 years, so I bet my one remaining testicle no one has SARS. Unfortunately, by hospital policy, we have to stay locked down until the labs come back, and that's going to take several hours. So, let's hang in there, and not forget, this is all Dr. Dorian's fault.
J.D.: Kylie, angry mob. Angry mob, Kylie.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Danni: SARS sucks.
Dr. Cox: Okay, you can direct any technical questions to my former sister-in-law.
Danni: Hi.

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