Christopher Turk Quotes Page 1 of 20

Quote from My Advice to You

J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!


Quote from My Fault

Turk: What's up with the white people on top?
Carla: Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.
Baker: I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.
Turk: Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.
Carla: Turk!
Turk: What? While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!
Baker: Forget it.
Turk: Where are you going? To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'mma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass! [licks frosting] Mm.

Quote from My Life in Four Cameras

Carla: Hey, we're missing Sanford and Son.
Turk: What?
Carla: Yes.
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk was freaked out because Carla never joins us on Sanford and Son night or Cheers night. I think it was because she was feeling a little romantically competitive with Kylie and me.
[After Kylie hugs J.D., Carla starts licking Turk's head]
Turk: Woman! Woman, I am not a lollipop! [sings to Sanford and Son theme] Quiet down now, It is time to watch the show, Yes, it started, Don't be lickin' me no mo', Matter of fact, Could you get me a handiwipe?

Quote from My Occurrence

Elliot: So it turns out she wasn't pregnant after all. Some idiot had mislabeled her sample.
Turk: I was a heartbeat away from giving an appendix patient a crotch lobotomy. If I do my best and I lose a patient, you know what, I can live with that. But if a clerical error is the reason a guy's walking around here with only the lonely, damn, that don't sit well with the big dog.

Quote from My Life in Four Cameras

[as J.D. and Kylie, Turk and Carla playfully arm-wrestle in the kitchen:]
J.D.: [v.o.] Carla certainly tried to be as adorable as us.
J.D.: Oh, darn it! You won.
J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, Turk wasn't on the same wavelength.
Turk: Do you see what you get, Carla?! Do you see what you get when you mess with the warrior?!

Quote from My Day at the Races

Carla: Turk, we're gonna have kids soon. We're supposed to be a team. That means you occasionally have to listen to me and believe in my opinion. Like, what if we have a daughter and she wants her ears pierced?
Turk: Irrelevant, we're not having a daughter.
Carla: Okay, what if we have a son and he wants to take dance class, even though his friends are all playing football?
Turk: He can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind. [singing] 'Cause his friends don't dance and if they don't dance Then they're no friends of mine S-S-S-S, A-A-A-A, F-F-F-F-F, E-E-E-E-E

Quote from My Long Goodbye

Turk: You know, Laverne, if this was a horror flick I'd be so scared that I was next. Huh, they always kill the black folks off first. Now, I'm not really worried about it, 'cause there's still Snoop Dogg resident, and Leonard the security guard and... You know, when you think about it, this is a white-ass hospital. I'm gonna miss you. So, you take care, okay?

Quote from My Philosophy

Turk: All right, Ralphie, new tack. I want you to do what I do. I want you to imagine that there are tiny men inside your booty, trying to push the dookie. Push the dookie out, Ralphie. Can you imagine that for me?
Man: You told my son there were little men inside him? He barely sleeps as it is.
Turk: Sir, I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Man: That was sick.
Turk: But still, if you could do this for me, I would greatly appreciate it. The next time your son has a bowel movement, take the dookie, put it in a Ziplock bag, and just call me on my cell phone. It's for my girlfriend. Hey, Ralphie. Little men, pushing it out, pushing it out.

Quote from My Fifteen Minutes

Dr. Kelso: Listen, if Dr. Kelso wants me to be a role model for the community because I'm a great doctor, then that's great and I will sign on the dotted line. But that's not what this is about. All my life I've been singled out because I'm black.
[flashback to young Turk winning a school science fair:]
Young Turk: But I didn't even enter the contest!
Man: Smile for the picture.
Turk: Remember our college brochure?
J.D.: So what? They put you on the cover.
Turk: Twice?

Quote from My Fruit Cups

Turk: This is the reason why your headache didn't go away. That's actually pronounced analgesic, not "anal"-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth.

Quote from My Clean Break

Carla: How did you have sex with the woman you're about to break up with?
J.D.: Okay, you know how the, uh, couch in the living room has those high arms?
Turk: Babe, you gotta understand, a guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me? I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.
Carla: That's sweet. While your mother lays there dying.
Turk: Tell her.
J.D.: His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.
Turk: It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... 'cause I love my mom.
J.D.: Mm, and I would love her, too.
Carla: New low.

Quote from His Story II

J.D.: [v.o.] Come on, don't get mad at Turk. What's really bugging me is that, thanks to Dr. Cox, I've got nothing to do. Nothing to talk about. No stories to tell. [slaps Turk's head]
Turk: [v.o.] From the moment I woke up this morning, I have been freaking out about getting married. Luckily, Carla's being cool.
Carla: Okay, this is your last chance to uninvite that slut you went out with in high school.
Turk: She's married to my brother.
Carla: Isn't that convenient.
Turk: [v.o.] Thank God she thinks that hot chick, Tina, I invited is my cousin! Well guess what! There's no blood there, baby!
Carla: Oh, and by the way, don't think for a second that your "cousin" Tina's gonna be sitting at our table.
Turk: [v.o.] Oh, my God! She's in my head. It's okay. Use it to your advantage. Make me a grilled cheese sandwich, woman!
Carla: Make it yourself.
Turk: [v.o.] [screams]

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