Dr. Kelso: Next contestant, Dr. Reid.
Elliot: Mr. Murdock was admitted with a COPD exacerbation; he responded well to antibiotics and bronchial dilators but he did develop a rash on his, um... private area.
Dr. Kelso: Sorry, on his what?
Elliot: His peepers.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Elliot: His schwing-schwong.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, it's bad enough you run out on a patient in the middle of a pelvic exam. But you are a doctor, and you need to be able to say simple clinical words like "penis," or "vagina," or "anal."
Elliot: "Anal" is not a dirty word, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Tell that to my wife.

Carla: Thank you so much for letting me stay here, Elliot.
Elliot: Please. And I still have only one rule. I cannot talk or be talked to while I'm on the toilet. And I also cannot talk or be talked to by someone who's on the toilet.
Carla: You told me yesterday, Elliot. I get it.
Elliot: You say you get it and yet you still managed to knock this morning and ask if I wanted coffee.
Carla: Oh, I just thought that-
Elliot: Uh, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Pretend that never happened or I won't poo again for two months.

Paul: It's just, well, this is what bothered me the other night. I know there's something wrong but you won't talk about it. I guess sometimes it feels like you're holding back.
Elliot: Of course I'm holding back! I'm insane, you idiot. Remember the other day when you told me I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every 15 minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germophobic, phobia-phobic. I talk to myself, I talk to my cat, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice, and yesterday, when that stupid, pretty surgical nurse handed you latex gloves, I almost killed a guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks. Why a box of steaks? 'cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher. And, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up.

Mr. Moran: Young lady, would it brighten your day any if I told you I thought you were the best damn doctor in this hospital?
Elliot: Mr. Moran, why couldn't my father be more like you? I mean, if I had a dollar for every time I got depressed and my dad didn't make me feel better- Actually, he did give me a dollar every time I got depressed. By the end of junior high, I already had a hundred and seventy bucks. And then got mugged and lost it all. But, by the end of that night, of course, I was back up to a dollar.

Elliot: Since your jaw is wired shut, we're going to give you IV nutrition for a couple of days, OK? Oh, sorry, you can't answer. It's like going to the dentist. I hate when they ask you questions and you have that stuff in your mouth, don't you? Oh, my God, I did it again. Dr. Greenberg. Doctor? What kind of doctor are you? I keep doing it. Okay, okay. Just act it out. Head? Shrinking. A shrink! You're a shrink. Wow, I can't imagine picking psychiatry as a specialty after interning as a real doctor. That didn't come out right. It's just my dad. He's a doctor too. He says therapy is for people with more money than problems. But then my dad says a lot of things.
Nurse: Did anyone page a nurse?
Elliot: No.
Nurse: It looks like his eyes are screaming.
Elliot: Please, we're talking. Where was I?

Elliot: Oh, you're so full of it.
Jordan: Listen, stick, if you wanna wipe your nose and pretend that was a sneeze, I will play along. But if you have something to say, say it.
Elliot: Everybody knows you're sleeping with Dr. Cox, and it can't be about making babies, because you'd probably just end up eating them anyway. And as for revenge, I'm just not sure that driving to his apartment and pleasuring him while he watches SportsCenter's hurting him as much as you think. So I have to figure you still care about him whether you admit it or not. And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle. [blows whistle]
Todd: [elevator opens] Kiss her.

Turk: Are you watching Sesame Street?
Elliot: You know, when I was a kid, I had my first sex dream about Mr. Hooper. At least, I think it was a sex dream. He was trying to choke me.
Turk: Yeah, that's sweet.

Dr. Cox: Barbie! Listen, I need you to go to the lab and get Mrs. Miller's bloodwork. I also need you to disimpact Mr. Burnett in 317 and what did you say the sex of the child was?
Elliot: I've got a better idea. You do those things, and when you're done, I'll think about telling you the sex.
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's weird. It seems like you just went to a swap meet and got yourself a big-boy spine. Now, listen, you tell or else.
Elliot: Or else what? You'll treat me worse than you usually do? Here's the inside scoop, Perry. For the first time, I have leverage. You're familiar with leverage? It's what you're going to need it when you disimpact Mr. Burnett, who, by the way, is so locked up I guess he's been eating either gum, rubber cement or cork.
Dr. Cox: Look, Barbie.
Elliot: Yeah, that's not my name.
Dr. Cox: Fine. Doctor... Reid? Really?
Elliot: What?
Dr. Cox: Nothing. [exits]
Elliot: Elliot Reid in the house!

Carla: Yo, who taught you how to fight like that?
Elliot: When you grow up in an orchard, you don't have much choice. Apple thieves.

Elliot: What is going up with Turk? He doesn't even seem bummed out.
J.D.: I uplifted his spirits.
Elliot: How did you do that? Because Carla is just bottoming out, man. I mean, I'm not even supposed to be here at work today. I just came to use bathroom because she keeps violating the rule.
J.D.: Quiet on the crapper?
Elliot: Yeah. It's like she just stores everything up until my cheeks hit the seat. She thinks she's exempted from the rule. Nobody is exempted from the rule, J.D.
J.D.: Okay, it's okay. I'll never talk to you on the crapper.
Elliot: I can't afford to soundproof my bathroom.