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43Quotes from ‘My Old Friend's New Friend’

Scrubs: My Old Friend's New Friend

401. My Old Friend's New Friend

Aired August 31, 2004

When Carla and Turk return from their honeymoon, they realize settling into married life might not be as easy as they thought. Elliot feels left out of the group as tension remains between her and J.D. A new attending psychiatrist, Dr. Molly Clock (guest star Heather Graham), starts work at the hospital. Meanwhile, J.D. hopes the last week of his residency means something to Dr. Cox.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] My last week of residency had begun. In seven days I'd be a full-fledged doctor. It felt pretty special to me, and I had a hunch it meant a lot to one other person as well.
Dr. Cox: Yes, milady?
J.D.: So, you felling all, like, bleaaah?
Dr. Cox: That depends, does "bleaaah" mean confused and incredibly annoyed?
J.D.: Come on, man, it's our last week together. The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station. You must have a metaphor you want to use. Hit me with it.
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Let me see... Uh, low-carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much. The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh! And Hugh Jackman.
J.D.: Hugh Jackman's Wolverine. How dare he.

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You know, Molly, I appreciate the offer, but there's a very special doctor I use around here when I need help, and he'd be pretty pissed if I didn't come to him first.
[later:]
Dr. Cox: Why, Mariska? Why do you insist on bothering me with these things?
J.D.: Please, you know you love it. Now, come on, one more time for nostalgia's sake: You come see my patient, you teach me a lesson, and then the music plays, right? In my head, it sounds like this... [hums Scrubs sad melody]
Carla: Dr. Cox, can I borrow you for a minute?
Dr. Cox: Borrow me? Dear heart, you'd be rescuing me. Newbie, you're on your own. Get used to it.
[The Scrubs sad melody plays]
J.D.: [hums along]

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, I know you were using reverse psychology with Mr. Radford.
Dr. Cox: You do, do you?
J.D.: Yes. And I figured it out all by myself, without anyone helping me or explaining it directly in my face or anything.
Dr. Cox: Well, nubile one, your last lesson and you didn't even need it. Three years and it's finally over. I know what you want, I do. [opens arms] Come here.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God, it's finally happening! Don't miss a moment! Take it all in! [hums Scrubs sad melody]
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Good God, Fantasia. You don't actually think I'm done teaching you, do you? Do you not understand the only difference between today and tomorrow is that you wake up tomorrow and start coming in here and killing people, that no one can say, "It's no big deal, he's just a resident." Instead, what they're damn sure gonna be wondering is who tried to educate your sorry ass. And when that finger of blame starts pointing in my direction, I had damn sure better be in a coma from the anger stroke I suffered from the last time you tried to hug me. Oh, and, uh, don't be late tomorrow, Doctor.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] Where was I? Oh, yeah. The hospital also had a new attending psychologist. Dr. Molly Clock.
[As Dr. Molly Clock walks towards, J.D. her hair is blowing back]
Dr. Molly Clock: This is a really windy hospital.
Janitor: Oh, I'm sorry. I was drying up a patient's urine.
Dr. Molly Clock: Hmm.
Janitor: I'm kind of a favorite around here.

Quote from Dr. Molly Clock

J.D.: [v.o.] Not only was Dr. Clock easy on the eyes, but apparently she was an excellent shrink.
Dr. Molly Clock: Mr. Witcomb is in the middle of a psychotic break from self-discontinuation of his meds, so we need to get him on Haloperidol IV stat.
J.D.: [v.o.] But I also heard she was a little spacy.
Dr. Molly Clock: So where were we?
J.D.: Um, we weren't talking.
Dr. Molly Clock: Was it 'cause of something you did, 'cause I am totally over it. I don't even remember what it was.
J.D.: No, I mean like we've never talked ever.
Dr. Molly Clock: Well how do I know your name, then?
J.D.: You don't.
Dr. Molly Clock: You're freakin' me out, Jimmy.
J.D.: It's Johnny.
J.D.: [v.o.] Why would you say "Johnny"? You hate "Johnny"!
Dr. Molly Clock: Now I'm gonna commit it to my memory forever. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.
J.D.: [v.o.] Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
Dr. Molly Clock: Okay, Johnny.
J.D.: [v.o.] Dammit!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As I fondled Katya, my pillow girlfriend, I thought about how things had changed for all of us. You see, I had almost forgotten that when I wake up, it'll be the start of my last week as a resident.
[fantasy: When J.D.'s "Sugar Hill Gang" alarm clock goes off, he imagines the group standing on top of the alarm singing a modified version of "Rapper's Delight":]
J.D.: Snooze.
[The Sugar Hill Gang stop singing and literally snooze]

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I missed you guys so much.
Carla: Oh, come over tonight. We're looking at wedding pictures.
Elliot: Ooh, there's this one picture of me right after I got sick off my third champagne and Red Bull, and my hair is kind of like sexy-messy, and the photographer said he could airbrush all of the puke off my dress.
Carla: Already made doubles.
Elliot: You rock.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Molly Clock: Hey, do you guys mind if I eat with you? 'cause I don't wanna sit alone and sing to my food like a crazy person.
Elliot: Oh, my gosh. I do that.
Dr. Molly Clock: No way.
Elliot: Mostly pop songs. You know, unless I'm eating soul food.

Quote from Dr. Molly Clock

J.D.: Mr. Radford, if you keep turning down physical therapy, you're never gonna be strong enough to get out of this bed.
Mr. Radford: I'm tired. I know you are, but I would love it if you'd at least try.
Mr. Blass: [sings] "And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. No, I won't do that."
J.D.: Haunting.
Dr. Molly Clock: Drink your juice, Mr. Blass. Mr. Blass has Pick's disease, which is similar to presentation to multi-infarct dementia. Anyhoo, he likes to sing when he gets up in the morning, and the weird thing is, Johnny, he actually captures the mood of the room.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Look, J.D., I think this is so unfair. I mean, I never get to see Turk and Carla anymore. It's like we got divorced and you get to keep the friends just because you live with them.
[later:]
Elliot: It just feels like you guys are part of some sort of gang or something.
J.D.: Elliot, you're overreacting. We're not some kind of gang, okay? Okay. Wolverines, let's roll.
[J.D., Turk and Carla put their colored helmets on and drive away on their scooters]

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Well, sweetheart, you're here early.
Elliot: Yeah, well, you know, I didn't have any plans last night, so I went to bed at 8 and then I woke up at 4. And then I realized that the sunrise just looks beautiful through the trees, and that my neighbor gets his paper in the nude and that he needs to lose like 900 pounds.
Dr. Kelso: In the future, the appropriate response is, "Yes, I am here early." It's called small talk, not my depressing life in thirty seconds.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: You know, I know you knocked that exit sign down.
J.D.: Well, then I'm sure I can expect an appropriate retaliatory response. Maybe you could shoot me in the neck.
Janitor: [laughs] Sounds like fun, but no. Our game is over, buddy. Your residency's coming to a close and that's it, nothing left to do but... [shakes hand]
J.D.: What can I say, it's been horrifying.
Janitor: Thank you.
J.D.: Well, this is kinda cool. Hey, you know, maybe we could, like, be friends.
Janitor: You like huntin' squirrels?
J.D.: I'd never tried it.
Janitor: Easiest thing in the world. All you need are some walnuts and a boxing glove.

Quote from Dr. Molly Clock

Elliot: I'm sorry. Look, um... You wouldn't understand.
Dr. Molly Clock: No, I get it. I mean, you're feeling lonely, you're feeling rejected. I mean, most people around here won't talk to me, and even Johnny won't take my help.
Elliot: Who's Johnny?
Dr. Molly Clock: You know, he's a resident, he's got like gelled-up hair, and he and his friends are in a motorcycle gang?
Elliot: I knew it!
Dr. Molly Clock: You know what, Elliot, you act like everyone's boxing you out, but you wouldn't even get a cup of coffee with me. Peace out, baby.
Elliot: Why is everybody saying that?

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Molly Clock: Look, isn't it possible that Dr. Cox tricked you as a motivational ploy?
J.D.: Hmm, no.
Dr. Molly Clock: After he said there was no hope with Mr. Radford, didn't you both work harder?
J.D.: No. You're like a crazy person.
Dr. Molly Clock: Look, I'll tell you something else. I mean, Dr. Cox is a text-book closed-off alpha male. I mean, you can try forever, but you're never gonna get that hug that you really want.
J.D.: Uh, excuse me, I'm not a child. I'm a doctor.
J.D.: [v.o.] And I'll get that hug.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Oh, my God! I can't believe you did this! It's even minier than I imagined! But what about you?
Turk: Ah, baby, don't worry about it, I got it covered.
[Turk turns on the radio and plays Sugarhill Gang's Rapper's Delight]
[fantasy: the Sugarhill Gang are in the car singing the song]

Quote from Janitor

[As J.D. rides away on his scooter, he is unaware that it's chained to a post. When the chain tightens, J.D. is flung off and lands on the giant X]
Janitor: Bull's eye!
J.D.: We're not done with our thing yet, are we.
Janitor: No. For you, it's all just beginning.
J.D.: [v.o.] The weird thing is, he was right.


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