Dr. Cox: Newbie, you never promise a patient that they're gonna be fine.
J.D.: Mr. Milligan? His blood pressure's a little low. He just has mono.
Dr. Cox: Oh, for God's sakes, Newbie, take a look around, would you please? What's the difference between your Mr. Milligan and every other patient in this I.C.U.? And if the answer to that question is that he's the only one young enough to have never made a phone call like this: "Brring! Hello? Operator? Give me Stuyvesant 45-45-45", then you'd be right. But since I'm not in the mood to make some big, dramatic, sweeping statement, I'll just tell you this: God hates doctors. He truly does. You see all these old people in here? Well, any of 'em would give just about anything to be able to sashay off this planet, but most of 'em are gonna stay and they're gonna live forever and ever and ever. And your Mr. Milligan, well, it turns out he's just young enough to die. I mean, think about it: It's the holidays, there's a sweet little kid involved. Can't you just feel it?

Turk: Kelso's got this new stupid outreach program where families are allowed to observe surgeries. Yesterday I had to do a bypass on this guy. You should have seen the family, standing there motionless, silently judging me. And today I got to do a colectomy on that guy. What do you think his family is gonna be like?
[fantasy, J.D. images the African-American family watching the surgery with popcorn and soda:]
Woman: There's a tumor in there! There's a tumor in there!
Man: Oh, don't go behind the kidney, brother!
[reality:]
Turk: You didn't go to the black family yelling at the movie screen stereotype, did you?
J.D.: Like a bear to honey.

Dr. Cox: Uh, Carla. Carla, have you, uh, have you seen Newbie?
Carla: Oh, he got off your leash?
Dr. Cox: Give me a break. The kid's like a... He's like a... Have you ever seen a drunk baby? Eh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say that it turns out at first it's it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls. But, man, you take your eyes off 'em for one second and bam! They got a bucket on their head and they're plowing right through your brand new flat screen TV. God save me, it was barely out of the box. The point is that Newbie is my drunk baby.

J.D.: So, basically it's a topical application consisting of equal parts triethanolamine and phenyl dimethicone. I suggest applying it twice a day for extra hold. Okay? Here's a sample tube, Reuben. Excellent query.

Reuben: What was your best moment in medicine?
J.D.: I-I'd say my best moment was probably my second year, New Year's Eve. A young pregnant woman could barely make it into the hospital, she had her baby right there on the ramp.
[flashback to J.D. standing around a pregnant woman on the ramp:]
Woman: You know, that's my first grandchild. Did you deliver?
J.D.: No, I didn't. But I did watch. And I am a doctor. And you look amazing.
[reality:]
J.D.: So even though Dr. Mickhead actually delivered the kid, yours truly rang in the new year with grandma. [silence] We had sex. [karate chops] That's how I do it.

Todd: I'll tell you what my best moment in medicine was.
[flashback to The Todd in surgery as the monitor flatlines:]
Dr. Wen: Dammit, we lost him. Call it.
Todd: I'm not giving up on this guy. Prop his hand up.
Dr. Wen: What?
Todd: I said prop his hand up! [high faves patient, monitor rhythm returns]
[present:]
Todd: That's right: The Miracle Five.
Dr. Kelso: You take this one, Perry.
Dr. Cox: Great moment, there, dumb-ass. It starts out with a profound misunderstanding of how the human body works, and winds up with you shattering some old man's hand.
Todd: Oh, yeah.

J.D.: So, Mr. Milligan, it turns out you have a pretty serious case of mono.
Mr. Milligan: Don't you get that from kissing?
[flashback: J.D. at a college party surrounded by kissing couples, including a pair either side of him on a couch. A woman breaks away from kissing her boyfriend to sneeze on J.D.]
J.D.: There are other ways you can get it.

Carla: Hey, Elliot? Would you keep an eye on Tyler, here, while we take care of his dad?
Elliot: Hi! Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.
Carla: I'm leaving now.
Tyler: My dad's in the ICU. What does that mean?
Elliot: Well, uh, Tyler, that stands for "Intensive Care Unit." It's where we put our patients who need extra care, like somebody who might need help breathing because their lung collapsed, or maybe they had a brain aneurysm, which is basically when a vessel ruptures and then blood pours into the... You know what, forget it. You wanna go see someone who's worse off than your dad? We call him The Head in the Bed!
[As Tyler holds out his hand, ominous music plays. Elliot reluctantly takes the kid's hand]

[Dr. Kelso reminisces about his best moment in medicine: He is surrounded by two women on a tropical island convention for Plomox:]
Waiter: Excuse me, sir. A man just fainted over there! Are you a doctor?
Dr. Kelso: Not this weekend, son. Another Bahama mama, please. Easy on the Bahama, heavy on the mama! How you doin'?
[present:]
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I know you told Carla to bounce Mr. Milligan to County, but it's Christmas. So what do you say?
Dr. Kelso: I'd say get me a 3T form.
Turk: 3T... What's that?
Dr. Kelso: That's tough titties, Turkleton!

Elliot: So, uh, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Tyler: A baseball player.
Elliot: Yeah, well, I wanted to be a ballerina when I was little. But, according to my mom, six-year-olds with mild scoliosis and giant man-feet aren't dancer material. But the joke's on her, because I am currently waiting to hear if the Saint Martha's Community Theatre will let me work lights for their production of The Nutcracker.