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43Quotes from ‘His Story’

Scrubs: His Story

215. His Story

Aired January 30, 2003

Dr. Cox discusses his problems at the hospital and with Jordan in his session with his psychiatrist (guest star Eric Bogosian). Elliot is thrilled to meet Paul Flowers, a charming doctor from the hospital, unaware that he's actually a nurse. Meanwhile, Turk waits for an answer from Carla on his proposal. [Narrated by Dr. Cox]

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Morning, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Gladys, Ginger, Tiffany, no. Cheryl, Betsy... Betsy. Ooh, that's new.
Dr. Cox: Betsy, good morning. Let's make with the chop-chop.
J.D.: You already used Betsy like six months ago.
Dr. Cox: I don't care.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Dammit!

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Perry! Hi, how are you, et cetera? The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.
Dr. Cox: Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn and cough, is the day I'll be on the roof singing I Believe I Can Fly.
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff. See you about two-ish.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Gross: I got very drunk last night and I decided that I'm not giving up on you. So, how'd you do with my counting exercise?
Dr. Cox: Honestly, I tried it once and I thought it was stupid.
Dr. Gross: That's it. We're done.
Dr. Cox: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're dumping me?
Dr. Gross: I hope we can remain friends.
Dr. Cox: Oh, now, please don't take away the privilege of letting me pay you $200 an hour so I can drag my ass in here and watch you nod. God knows, the only other place I can get that on the planet is from my Brett Favre bobblehead doll.
Dr. Gross: Fine, you wanna know what I really think? Your problem isn't that you make bad choices. It's that you identify the good choice and then intentionally do the opposite. You see, behind this boorish bravado of yours is a paralyzing fear of letting anyone into your life. And it isn't because you weren't loved when you were a kid. It's because you're so egocentric that the love wasn't enough. So you pulled pigtails and you pushed the fat kids into the dirt so no one could ignore little Perry. Well, little Perry is now 40 years old and you're so invested in this neurotic, narcissistic notion of yourself as "loner" that you can't quit. And you'll just keep dumping on everyone around you until eventually, and please, trust me on this, there won't be anyone left.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] There's a million reasons a relationship can crash and burn.
Dr. Cox: [mock crying] Give me a break.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Sometimes you know it's going to be a crappy day from the moment you wake. Today was one of those days. See, I have an appointment to see my shrink, and it feels like there's a little friction between us.
Dr. Gross: You will not beat me.
Dr. Cox: Listen, "Doctor", while we're on me just for a second, my very pregnant ex-wife would like me to take a couple of days off and travel to her mother's house so we can reconnect as a family.
Dr. Gross: And I assume that you told her to blow it out her ass.
Dr. Cox: You get me! Darn it, you do!
Dr. Gross: Yes, we're like two peas in a horrible, horrible pod.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: [on the phone] Well, just run one of the other nurses down here with some bedpans, please.
Woman: Laverne, why can't you do it?
Nurse Roberts: Because I've been here for 23 years and my feet hurt. That's why.

Quote from Turk

Carla: I'm just not big on public displays of affection, that's all.
Turk: [horn honks] Hit it. Carla Espinosa, will you marry me?
Carla: Oh, my God.
Turk: C'mon, citizens, let me hear you. Honk in the name of love. [horns honk]
J.D.: Honk for love! Honk for love!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [v.o.] It's just a physical. You can be cordial.
Dr. Cox: What do you say there, Bob? How 'bout we do just like you do with Enid? Close our eyes, pretend we're with someone else and be done before Leno starts.
Dr. Kelso: Save the racket for the tennis court, big guy. I have taken the liberty of filling out the form. All you have to do is sign right below where it says, "Fit as a 26-year-old."
Dr. Cox: You're not suggesting that I rubber-stamp your insurance physical, are you there, Bobbo?
Dr. Kelso: Just sign the damn form.
Dr. Cox: Or you could take your shirt off right now and be done with all this in five minutes. I am not going to make this uncomfortable for you. Come on, I'm a professional.
Dr. Kelso: OK.
Dr. Cox: [hums striptease music] Had to be done, Bob. Continue, handsome.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Elliot: It's no big deal. Only you guys know. And Nurse Roberts. She's not that much of a gossip! Is she?
[J.D. and Carla laugh knowingly]
[meanwhile: Nurse Roberts runs through the corridors of the hospital:]
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul. Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul. Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul. Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul!
Dr. Cox: We're talking about only six inches and about 70 pounds, plus he's twice as fast as the other guy.
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Reid and Nurse Paul dating.
Dr. Cox: Giant, who cares?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Must rub something in someone's face.
Dr. Cox: How's that coma going for you there, pal?
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Much better.

Quote from Carla

Elliot: Paul and I are just different, OK?
Carla: Please, Elliot, this is not about Paul. This is about you. This is about you not being able to commit because that means saying goodbye to whatever unfulfilled fantasy of love you concocted after seeing too many Meg Ryan movies. But men don't come and make everything all better. They're only human. And you shouldn't punish him because you grew up so fast, you never learned how to let someone else take care of you. He's not your father, okay? He's not necessarily going to disappear at the first sign of trouble. And as scary as it is being truly vulnerable with another human being, what's even scarier is that deep down inside you know you picked this man, and if you run away, you'll run away from being the kind of person you always wanted to be.
Elliot: Carla, I just met the guy.

Quote from Turk

Turk: I have figured out why you're not ready to marry me yet. You think I'm too immature.
Carla: It's not about that.
Turk: Is it my sleep toots? 'cause baby, I will stop having dairy after six.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: So, he just said he was gonna keep asking until I said yes.
Elliot: That is exactly how I lost my virginity. Except I'm guessing Turk didn't propose in Jim Filliseti's crawl space.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I've gotta say, life is pretty good. I've hit my stride as a doctor, all my patients are doing well, and I've finally figured out that even though they're uncomfortable, my medium scrubs have a large effect on the ladies. Yep, everything's just great. For the first time since I started here, I feel like I have no stories to tell.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Anyway, I have invited a couple of my friends over to the apartment while she's gonna be gone. We're gonna have some beers, watch the game. It's going to be great. And I was wondering if you-
Dr. Gross: I'm not your friend.
Dr. Cox: They're not either.
Dr. Gross: So how's your rage going lately?
[fantasy: Dr. Cox screams]
Dr. Cox: Better.
Dr. Gross: OK. The next time you feel anger welling up in your meaty chest-
Dr. Cox: Oh, give it to me.
Dr. Gross: I want you to take a deep breath and count to ten before you react. Do you think you could do that, Perry?
Dr. Cox: For the record, I'm not a child. OK?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Doug: Dr. Cox? I just wanted to tell you... Well the thing is...
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] One, two, ten.
Dr. Cox: Finish the sentence in the next two seconds or start running. [Doug whimpers] Oh, dear God, you're actually frozen with fear. Alright, don't worry about a thing. I'm going to talk you through this. I want you to relax, take a big breath, and now... [whistles] Get outta here! Go, go, go, go, go.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: How's it going?
Woman: I just got my vertebrae fused.
J.D.: I've got nothing.
Janitor: Hey! Hold that elevator!
J.D.: I'm pressing the button. It's not working.
Janitor: Hold it! Hey! Hold it!
[The Janitor crashes into the elevator door. He quickly stands up and runs up to another floor, where the elevator doors open to reveal the woman seemingly alone in the elevator.]
Janitor: Morning, ma'am.
Woman: I can't move my head.
Janitor: So what?
J.D.: Carol, I can not thank you enough. [sniffs] Is that Bengay?

Quote from Todd

Turk: Marry me?
Carla: Still thinking.
Turk: Baby, I figured it out. This is what you're afraid of. The typical surgeon. A dumb, arrogant frat boy whose behavior is so disgusting, it is embarrassing for a woman to be seen with him. No offence, buddy.
Todd: None taken. I gotta run. They're doing a breast reduction on three. I wanna try to stop it. You know what I'm talking about. [high-fives Turk]
Carla: It's not The Todd.
Todd: It's gotta be The Todd.

Quote from Todd

Todd: Hey, Elliot. I heard you got your nursing degree in the male... nurse! What's up?!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: If it isn't my favorite career counselor. You don't happen to have any more tips on how to climb down the ladder?
J.D.: I've been thinking about how you're always blaming me for everything and how you just send a constant stream of crap my way, and I decided I need a break.
Dr. Cox: So what, you came by to tell me you're a complete wuss?
J.D.: No, I came over here to tell you I traded with another resident and switched off your service for a while.
Dr. Cox: Well, tears and hugs there, Katie, but unless you wanna come inside and give the fellas a lap dance, I'm afraid I gotta say sayonara, 'cause I got 20 guys in here and it's about to get nutty. All the best, baby.
[Dr. Cox returns to his empty apartment, with a stack of pizza boxes and beer bottles, and shuts off the TV]

Quote from Dr. Cox

Doug: Uh, Dr. Cox, I was the one who switched with J.D.
Dr. Cox: Nervous Guy! How you feeling?
Doug: A little nervous.
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's OK. Don't worry about a thing, 'cause I'm gonna ease you in. Here's the deal. You have exactly eight seconds to find this patient's chart or you're through.
Doug: Oh, God! Chart? Chart?
Nurse Roberts: You want me to look for it?
Dr. Cox: I got the chart right here.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Keep it together, pee-pants. You now have six seconds to find that soda you were holding for me.
Doug: Has anyone seen a soda? Oh, for the love of God.
Dr. Cox: [drinks soda] What is it there, Bobbo?
Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry.
Dr. Cox: What did you say?
Dr. Kelso: I spoke to my cardiologist and he said if you hadn't caught my high blood pressure, and it had continued unchecked, it might have resulted in a mild case of... death.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Must fight urge to rub it in his face.
Dr. Kelso: Anyway, I owe you one.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Uh, Nurse, I need clean sheets right away to room... 1000.
Paul: Oh, she's covering because she's embarrassed she likes a nurse and I really can't figure out why.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's because you're doing a woman's job, son. Have a good one.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Boy, I gotta say, your wife is hotter than I ever imagined. Meow.
Dr. Gross: Hello, Perry. You're obviously trying to bully me. But you can't bully me because I don't fear you. Now I'm leaving.
Dr. Cox: Kelso asked me to give him a physical. I did it, he said thank you and told me he owed me one.
Dr. Gross: You actually made a decision that benefited you personally and professionally?
Dr. Cox: Well, a resident kinda talked me into it.
Dr. Gross: Yeah, come on. You're telling me that you took the advice of another human being? This is a great moment for me.
Dr. Cox: Congratulations.
Dr. Gross: Thank you. And, Perry, if there's someone in your life at that hellhole of a hospital you actually listen to, you should do everything in your power to keep them around, because that person is nothing short of a genius.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [answers emergency phone] Batcave.
J.D.: Hi, yeah, I'm stuck in the elevator.
Janitor: Yeah, I'm afraid it might be a little while.
J.D.: Because you did this.
Janitor: Ah, no. I think we both know you did this to yourself. Well, I'll let you go.
J.D.: [dial tone] Hello?

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox! Good to see ya.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] What the hell, he's a decent kid. Be a man and apologise to him from the heart for once.
Dr. Cox: Oh, for God's sake, Lily, stop being such a complete wuss and come back to work with me.
J.D.: Fine.
Dr. Cox: Good.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Oh, just give him a pat on the back. He's been wanting it since day one. Just do it.
J.D.: [v.o.] The second Dr. Cox patted me on the shoulder I thought about how he always shows up in the nick of time.


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