J.D.: Morning, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Gladys, Ginger, Tiffany, no. Cheryl, Betsy... Betsy. Ooh, that's new.
Dr. Cox: Betsy, good morning. Let's make with the chop-chop.
J.D.: You already used Betsy like six months ago.
Dr. Cox: I don't care.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Dammit!

Dr. Kelso: Perry! Hi, how are you, et cetera? The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.
Dr. Cox: Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn and cough, is the day I'll be on the roof singing I Believe I Can Fly.
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff. See you about two-ish.

Dr. Gross: I got very drunk last night and I decided that I'm not giving up on you. So, how'd you do with my counting exercise?
Dr. Cox: Honestly, I tried it once and I thought it was stupid.
Dr. Gross: That's it. We're done.
Dr. Cox: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're dumping me?
Dr. Gross: I hope we can remain friends.
Dr. Cox: Oh, now, please don't take away the privilege of letting me pay you $200 an hour so I can drag my ass in here and watch you nod. God knows, the only other place I can get that on the planet is from my Brett Favre bobblehead doll.
Dr. Gross: Fine, you wanna know what I really think? Your problem isn't that you make bad choices. It's that you identify the good choice and then intentionally do the opposite. You see, behind this boorish bravado of yours is a paralyzing fear of letting anyone into your life. And it isn't because you weren't loved when you were a kid. It's because you're so egocentric that the love wasn't enough. So you pulled pigtails and you pushed the fat kids into the dirt so no one could ignore little Perry. Well, little Perry is now 40 years old and you're so invested in this neurotic, narcissistic notion of yourself as "loner" that you can't quit. And you'll just keep dumping on everyone around you until eventually, and please, trust me on this, there won't be anyone left.
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] There's a million reasons a relationship can crash and burn.
Dr. Cox: [mock crying] Give me a break.

Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Sometimes you know it's going to be a crappy day from the moment you wake. Today was one of those days. See, I have an appointment to see my shrink, and it feels like there's a little friction between us.
Dr. Gross: You will not beat me.
Dr. Cox: Listen, "Doctor", while we're on me just for a second, my very pregnant ex-wife would like me to take a couple of days off and travel to her mother's house so we can reconnect as a family.
Dr. Gross: And I assume that you told her to blow it out her ass.
Dr. Cox: You get me! Darn it, you do!
Dr. Gross: Yes, we're like two peas in a horrible, horrible pod.

Nurse Roberts: [on the phone] Well, just run one of the other nurses down here with some bedpans, please.
Woman: Laverne, why can't you do it?
Nurse Roberts: Because I've been here for 23 years and my feet hurt. That's why.

Carla: I'm just not big on public displays of affection, that's all.
Turk: [horn honks] Hit it. Carla Espinosa, will you marry me?
Carla: Oh, my God.
Turk: C'mon, citizens, let me hear you. Honk in the name of love. [horns honk]
J.D.: Honk for love! Honk for love!

Dr. Cox: [v.o.] It's just a physical. You can be cordial.
Dr. Cox: What do you say there, Bob? How 'bout we do just like you do with Enid? Close our eyes, pretend we're with someone else and be done before Leno starts.
Dr. Kelso: Save the racket for the tennis court, big guy. I have taken the liberty of filling out the form. All you have to do is sign right below where it says, "Fit as a 26-year-old."
Dr. Cox: You're not suggesting that I rubber-stamp your insurance physical, are you there, Bobbo?
Dr. Kelso: Just sign the damn form.
Dr. Cox: Or you could take your shirt off right now and be done with all this in five minutes. I am not going to make this uncomfortable for you. Come on, I'm a professional.
Dr. Kelso: OK.
Dr. Cox: [hums striptease music] Had to be done, Bob. Continue, handsome.

Elliot: It's no big deal. Only you guys know. And Nurse Roberts. She's not that much of a gossip! Is she?
[J.D. and Carla laugh knowingly]
[meanwhile: Nurse Roberts runs through the corridors of the hospital:]
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul. Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul. Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul. Dr. Reid, Nurse Paul!
Dr. Cox: We're talking about only six inches and about 70 pounds, plus he's twice as fast as the other guy.
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Reid and Nurse Paul dating.
Dr. Cox: Giant, who cares?

Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Must rub something in someone's face.
Dr. Cox: How's that coma going for you there, pal?
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Much better.

Elliot: Paul and I are just different, OK?
Carla: Please, Elliot, this is not about Paul. This is about you. This is about you not being able to commit because that means saying goodbye to whatever unfulfilled fantasy of love you concocted after seeing too many Meg Ryan movies. But men don't come and make everything all better. They're only human. And you shouldn't punish him because you grew up so fast, you never learned how to let someone else take care of you. He's not your father, okay? He's not necessarily going to disappear at the first sign of trouble. And as scary as it is being truly vulnerable with another human being, what's even scarier is that deep down inside you know you picked this man, and if you run away, you'll run away from being the kind of person you always wanted to be.
Elliot: Carla, I just met the guy.