Elliot: [v.o.] Okay, you can't bend that way anymore, 'cause when you do, that last vertebrae above your butt sticks out and makes you look like a prehistoric camel.
Carla: What are you thinking?
Elliot: Same ol', same ol'.
Carla: Camel-butt?
Elliot: Yeah.

Carla: Oh, hey, Turk, would you pour me a cup of decaf, please? We gotta go to bed early tonight.
Dr. Kelso: I'll have some of that decaf, son.
Turk: Sir, see, this is regular. Yeah, I gotta give Carla the strong stuff just to keep her awake so I can stay up a little later.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, drugging your own wife. Been there. Careful, though. Starts out with coffee, next thing you know, you're rooting around the nightstand for an adrenaline shot to counteract a Valium overdose.

Dr. Cox: Oh, whoa, now. What happened to what happened to feisty Barbie, huh? You know, it took me a helluva lot to shake off that tongue-lashing you gave me yesterday.
Elliot: Yeah, well, yesterday I had a mentor, but she turned out to be insane. I mean, how am I supposed to take professional advice from somebody who can't even hold together their personal life?
Dr. Cox: Look, I know you and I have never really connected. Maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying, or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people. I don't know. But answer me one question: Do you think I'm a good teacher?
Elliot: To some people.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead and take a look at my personal life? I am in love with a woman that I hate, my two-year-old son calls me "Pewwy," and this is something that I've never actually shared with anybody before, but on Saturday nights, I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive bars, and insist that everybody call me Mrs. Haberdasher!
Elliot: [laughs] ... No, you don't.
Dr. Cox: Well, even if I did, it wouldn't really matter since that has nothing to do with how good of a teacher I am. Stick with me here, Barbie. The point is that if you finally found somebody who makes you believe in yourself as much as you did yesterday, well, I would think twice before I wrote that person off.

[As he lays awake in bed, Turk gives Carla a little shake:]
Carla: Wha-? Wha-? Ooh. It's morning already?
Turk: No. But I could see how you'd think that, being that it's light out and we're in bed. Baby, since we got married, I've done every little thing you've asked me to do. But I will not have my woman tell me when I need to go to bed, okay?
Carla: Okay.
Turk: Really, that quick?
Carla: I love it when you're all "my woman this, my woman that."
Turk: [laughs] That's what's up.

J.D.: [v.o.] Even though I was already an amazing doctor, when I became chief resident I decided to add a little something extra to my repertoire. A "hook," if you will.
J.D.: [into recorder] Mrs. MacCalla, 40s, moderately attractive, condition improving.
Mrs. MacCalla: Did you just say I was moderately attractive?
J.D.: Excuse me, Mrs. MacCalla. [into recorder] Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.

Janitor: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa. Watch your step, there, little lady.
Elliot: Thanks, Janitor.
Elliot: [v.o.] He is so sweet. But why doesn't he just put up a sign that says "wet floor"?
[J.D. screams as he slides across the floor and crashes]
Janitor: Wet floor.

J.D.: Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: Hold on. Say, Bob, did you happen to order any of the pain in the ass?
Dr. Kelso: No.
Dr. Cox: We didn't order any of the pain in the ass.

J.D.: [records] That sound you're hearing is my residents' respect. It feels good.
Dr. Cox: Gloria! You're supposed to start pre-rounds at 7 o'clock. It's now 7:03.
J.D.: I'm sorry I'm late, but I was singing and I fell. And I know I've used the falling excuse before, but it happened again.
Dr. Cox: Look, I know the only thing you've ever been responsible for was picking which Duran Duran cover band would play at your sorority formal, but you're supposed to be teaching these kids. So how's about you learn how to walk, ditch the tape recorder, and act like you got a pair.
Lonnie: Ha-ha!
J.D.: [records] Kill Lonnie.

Carla: Where'd you get the idea for the stupid tape recorder?
Turk: [plays recording] Dude, I love your new tape recorder.
[J.D. and Turk laugh]
Carla: You two are idiots.
J.D.: Come on, Carla, I wanted a hook and I only had one other idea.
[fantasy: J.D. has a parrot on his shoulder as he talks to a patient:]
J.D.: Mr. Hawkins, the results of your tests are back, and you have...
Parrot: Liver disease! Liver disease!
J.D.: Sorry, that's all he can say. Anyway, you don't have liver disease you have inoperable lung cancer.
Parrot: Liver disease!
J.D.: If only, Chauncy.
[reality:]
J.D.: Bottom line, that tape recorder won't fly away and break your heart.

Dr. Molly Clock: Hey, I got you a blueberry muffin, but I know you don't like blueberries, so I picked them all out.
Elliot: [v.o.] A lot of people think Molly's a little off, but I totally get her. She's like the big sister I always wanted. She makes me feel better about myself.
[at a nail salon:]
Dr. Molly Clock: They're so not finger-toes. I mean, these are finger-toes. Yours are cute like french fries.
Elliot: Really? Yeah! I can do calligraphy with mine.