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38Quotes from ‘Her Story’

Scrubs: Her Story

405. Her Story

Aired September 28, 2004

Elliot is inspired by Molly (Heather Graham) to stand up to Dr. Cox, which causes him to lash out at J.D. in front of his residents. Meanwhile, Carla decides she and Turk need to go to bed at the same time. [Narrated by Elliot]

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: [v.o.] Okay, you can't bend that way anymore, 'cause when you do, that last vertebrae above your butt sticks out and makes you look like a prehistoric camel.
Carla: What are you thinking?
Elliot: Same ol', same ol'.
Carla: Camel-butt?
Elliot: Yeah.

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: Oh, hey, Turk, would you pour me a cup of decaf, please? We gotta go to bed early tonight.
Dr. Kelso: I'll have some of that decaf, son.
Turk: Sir, see, this is regular. Yeah, I gotta give Carla the strong stuff just to keep her awake so I can stay up a little later.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, drugging your own wife. Been there. Careful, though. Starts out with coffee, next thing you know, you're rooting around the nightstand for an adrenaline shot to counteract a Valium overdose.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, whoa, now. What happened to what happened to feisty Barbie, huh? You know, it took me a helluva lot to shake off that tongue-lashing you gave me yesterday.
Elliot: Yeah, well, yesterday I had a mentor, but she turned out to be insane. I mean, how am I supposed to take professional advice from somebody who can't even hold together their personal life?
Dr. Cox: Look, I know you and I have never really connected. Maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying, or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people. I don't know. But answer me one question: Do you think I'm a good teacher?
Elliot: To some people.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead and take a look at my personal life? I am in love with a woman that I hate, my two-year-old son calls me "Pewwy," and this is something that I've never actually shared with anybody before, but on Saturday nights, I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive bars, and insist that everybody call me Mrs. Haberdasher!
Elliot: [laughs] ... No, you don't.
Dr. Cox: Well, even if I did, it wouldn't really matter since that has nothing to do with how good of a teacher I am. Stick with me here, Barbie. The point is that if you finally found somebody who makes you believe in yourself as much as you did yesterday, well, I would think twice before I wrote that person off.

Quote from Turk

[As he lays awake in bed, Turk gives Carla a little shake:]
Carla: Wha-? Wha-? Ooh. It's morning already?
Turk: No. But I could see how you'd think that, being that it's light out and we're in bed. Baby, since we got married, I've done every little thing you've asked me to do. But I will not have my woman tell me when I need to go to bed, okay?
Carla: Okay.
Turk: Really, that quick?
Carla: I love it when you're all "my woman this, my woman that."
Turk: [laughs] That's what's up.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Even though I was already an amazing doctor, when I became chief resident I decided to add a little something extra to my repertoire. A "hook," if you will.
J.D.: [into recorder] Mrs. MacCalla, 40s, moderately attractive, condition improving.
Mrs. MacCalla: Did you just say I was moderately attractive?
J.D.: Excuse me, Mrs. MacCalla. [into recorder] Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa. Watch your step, there, little lady.
Elliot: Thanks, Janitor.
Elliot: [v.o.] He is so sweet. But why doesn't he just put up a sign that says "wet floor"?
[J.D. screams as he slides across the floor and crashes]
Janitor: Wet floor.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: Hold on. Say, Bob, did you happen to order any of the pain in the ass?
Dr. Kelso: No.
Dr. Cox: We didn't order any of the pain in the ass.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: Where'd you get the idea for the stupid tape recorder?
Turk: [plays recording] Dude, I love your new tape recorder.
[J.D. and Turk laugh]
Carla: You two are idiots.
J.D.: Come on, Carla, I wanted a hook and I only had one other idea.
[fantasy: J.D. has a parrot on his shoulder as he talks to a patient:]
J.D.: Mr. Hawkins, the results of your tests are back, and you have...
Parrot: Liver disease! Liver disease!
J.D.: Sorry, that's all he can say. Anyway, you don't have liver disease you have inoperable lung cancer.
Parrot: Liver disease!
J.D.: If only, Chauncy.
[reality:]
J.D.: Bottom line, that tape recorder won't fly away and break your heart.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Molly Clock: Hey, I got you a blueberry muffin, but I know you don't like blueberries, so I picked them all out.
Elliot: [v.o.] A lot of people think Molly's a little off, but I totally get her. She's like the big sister I always wanted. She makes me feel better about myself.
[at a nail salon:]
Dr. Molly Clock: They're so not finger-toes. I mean, these are finger-toes. Yours are cute like french fries.
Elliot: Really? Yeah! I can do calligraphy with mine.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: [v.o.] She's the Peppermint Patty to my Marcy. You know, minus the thick glasses and the strong lesbian vibe.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: Half of what rappers say doesn't make any sense. Like that Snoop Dogg-Dr.Dre song? What does "still hittin' them corners and those ho-hos girl" mean?
Turk: Many disadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices, therefore they must subsist on Ho-Ho snack cakes. It's a black thing, bro.
Dr. Molly Clock: Actually, Turk, it's "still hittin' them corners and them 'lo-los' girls." Lo-los, not ho-hos.
Elliot: See, Turk, in the'hood, a lo-lo is a lowrider, or a car with an adjusted suspension that allows it to bounce up and down. And Dre and Snoop enjoy driving around together in their lowriders around the corners, or lizzle-rizzles. [rapping] I'm representin' for them gangtas all across the world
Dr. Molly Clock: [rapping] Still hittin' them corners and them lo-los girls
Both: [rapping] Still taking my time to perfect the beat, and I still got love for the street
Carla: Turk, you just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: [v.o.] There's Dr. Kelso. Okay, you're chief resident now, so say hi. But don't stop, or you'll have to come up with something else to say, and you know you don't improvise well.
Elliot: Hi, Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid.
Elliot: I see you've trimmed your nose hair.
Elliot: [v.o.] Frick on a stick.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: [v.o.] Molly's nervous because her boyfriend's in town.
Dr. Molly Clock: You know, Mike's kind of private, so when we go out to dinner, just pretend I never told you any of that personal stuff.
Elliot: Gotcha.
Elliot: [v.o.] Mike's got a curved peep.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Our TV's working. Why are you reading?
J.D.: Oh, I'm researching some leadership techniques for my residents.
Turk: Well, you're better off watching good ol' Papa Smurf, here. Yeah, he says leadership boils down to three things: Smurfaration, Smurfaration, Smurf.
J.D.: "Preparation, Inspiration, and Fear"?
Turk: You know it.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: [v.o.] Oh, my God. How does she eat like that and stay so thin? If I didn't love her so much, I'd totally spread rumors that she's bulimic.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Molly Clock: So how's it going?
Elliot: I'm freaking out about grand rounds today because Dr. Cox hung me out to dry again.
Dr. Molly Clock: You'll be fine. Just do what I do: Fake it till you make it.
Elliot: Like when a guy is really bad in bed and you pretend that he is awesome so he doesn't go to a special store, buy one of those weird pumps, and then accidentally run into your dad?
Dr. Molly Clock: Kind of.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Check out my man getting his leadership on. First he hits 'em with a little preparation.
J.D.: Are there any more questions about evolving treatment therapies?
Turk: Next, inspiration.
J.D.: Now, I just want you to know, you guys all have the potential to be amazing doctors.
Turk: And finally, a dose of fear.
J.D.: M'kay, I'll see you guys. [yells in Lonnie's face]
Turk: Okay, fear might need a little work, but otherwise Smurftastic!
J.D.: That's how I Smurf, baby.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: How, uh, how old is this patient?
Elliot: Seventy-nine.
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh. And how old would you say he was when you started this procedure?
Elliot: [v.o.] The more I thought about how awesome Molly is, the more I got sick of Dr. Cox's crap.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, I could fly to China, adopt a child, raise her and send her to medical school, and then train her to do this procedure in the time it's taking you to finish.
Elliot: [v.o.] Enough! He's never been there for you! Burn this bridge once and for all!
Dr. Cox: Barbie, honest to God, if you-
Elliot: You know what, Dr. Cox? I have so had it with this whole macho alpha-male thing, and I have heard every tired, recycled put-down you have in you. So, from now on, save your stupid lessons for someone who gives a frick, because honestly, I don't even wanna see you or the stupid poodle perm of yours unless it's walking away from me.
Elliot: [v.o.] God, that felt great! Huh. Hopefully it won't have ramifications for anyone else.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [records] That sound you're hearing is my residents' respect. It feels good.
Dr. Cox: Gloria! You're supposed to start pre-rounds at 7 o'clock. It's now 7:03.
J.D.: I'm sorry I'm late, but I was singing and I fell. And I know I've used the falling excuse before, but it happened again.
Dr. Cox: Look, I know the only thing you've ever been responsible for was picking which Duran Duran cover band would play at your sorority formal, but you're supposed to be teaching these kids. So how's about you learn how to walk, ditch the tape recorder, and act like you got a pair.
Lonnie: Ha-ha!
J.D.: [records] Kill Lonnie.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: [v.o.] As I watched Molly gently stroke the hand of a convicted felon, I had to admit his eyes were stunning. Still, I couldn't help but think what the next few years would be like if she was my mentor.
[fantasy:]
Dr. Molly Clock: The police caught this guy robbing a liquor store. His tox-screen came back positive for methamphetamines and cocaine.
Elliot: Okay, what should I do?
Dr. Molly Clock: Oh my God, make out with him immediately. He's such a catch.
Elliot: [climbs on top of patient] Hi, I'm Dr. Reid.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: You yelled at me in front of my residents.
Dr. Cox: I didn't yell at ya. [J.D. plays the recording:] So how's about you learn to walk, ditch the tape recorder, and act like you got a pair.
Dr. Kelso: I'll let you two talk. Oh, and Perry, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that earlier I wish I'd said, "I must have ordered the pain in the ass, seeing as you're sitting there."
Dr. Cox: Here I was thinking the same thing, Bob. Let's do this again.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Tell you what, there, Gidget, if you promise to leave right now, I won't yell at you in front of your peons anymore.
J.D.: You ruined my credibility. Now look me in the eyes and tell me that's not messed up.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Later on today when you are with your residents, I'll come up for something, you'll tell me you're too busy in a manly way, and I will contritely turn around and walk out of the room with my tail between my legs. Problem solved.
J.D.: Can you pull off contrite?
Dr. Cox: Can you pull off manly way?
J.D.: Should have seen that coming.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Cox: Hey, camel-butt. I heard you and Carla talking earlier.
Elliot: [v.o.] Frick on a stick with a brick!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Okay, everybody, gather around please?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I need to talk to you?
J.D.: I'm a little busy right now, Perry.
Dr. Cox: Oh. My fault, I'll come back later.
J.D.: Oh, and another thing. From now on, I'd prefer it if you'd address me as "Dr. Dorian."
Dr. Cox: Are you really doing this?
J.D.: You bet your ass I am. And from now on, if you have a problem with me, you come see me in private, not in front of my boys. My boys got enough to worry about!
Dr. Cox: Wrap it up, there, bingo.
J.D.: I simply will not tolerate it, Perry! And neither will my boys!
Dr. Cox: [whispers] The next minute you find yourself alone, I'm gonna kill ya.
J.D.: It was worth it. Lonnie, slap the face! [Lonnie slaps his face] All of you, slap your faces! [They all do] Awesome.

Quote from Carla

[As Turk falls asleep after he and Carla had sex:]
Carla: That was too easy. No way I'm doing that seven nights a week.


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