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‘My Princess’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Princess

711. My Princess

Aired May 8, 2008

After a punishing day at work, Dr. Cox tells Jack a bedtime fairy tale based on events at the hospital: Elliot had a patient whose illness she could not diagnose, made harder by Dr. Kelso threatening doctors who worked past the end of their shifts.

Quote from Dr. Cox

[fairy tale:]
Carla: Look, the battle has begun.
Dr. Cox: My name is Percival Cox. You're killing my friend. Prepare to die.

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Quote from Todd

Carla: J.D., you're a parent now, you gotta be better prepared.
Turk: Yeah. That's why we just stocked up on extra baby oil lotion and diapers.
Todd: Why? Is there a party this week-end?
[everyone pauses]
J.D.: [v.o.] Recently we realized that with Todd, if we didn't move and stayed very quiet, he'd eventually get confused and leave.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Kelso: Attention, dumb-dumbs. Many of you have been disregarding the hospital's 12-hour shift policy. Now, I don't care if you think your patients need you, when your shift is over, I want you to go home to your sad, empty lives. Tired doctors make mistakes, and the hospital is liable. Believe me, you do not want to find yourself in a court of law. Tell them what happens there, Ted.
Ted: Well, we'll all wear long black robes and beautiful white, curly wigs.
Dr. Kelso: That's England, Ted.
Ted: Are you sure?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Anyway. Much like one-hit wonder Natalie Imbruglia, I'm torn. You see, on one hand, I'm tempted to side with the Gandhis. You do need to buy Sam some clothes. On the other hand, ever since you two made a baby, you've become an even more annoying two-headed know-it-all.
Turk: Bing, bing.
Carla: You hear that, Perry? That's the sound of your hate bouncing off our love.
Turk: Bing, bing.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Your shoelace is untied.
Janitor: Hey, thanks, man. You know how dangerous this is? My uncle's whole family was killed by an untied lace. Christmas morning, they were all running down the stairs, they tripped, and a mad man hacked them all to pieces. I owe you one.
J.D.: Can't wait.

Quote from Dr. Cox

[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: The only way to save your fair maiden is to go to the forbidden forest and find the golden ring.
J.D.: The golden ring? Why?
[reality:]
Dr. Cox: Because finding the diagnosis is the only way to help her. Right now you're just treating symptoms that are leading you down the wrong road. You need to go back to the beginning, back to every textbook, every case study you ever read.
[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: And most importantly, to find the golden ring, you must ember what you heard when you weren't even listening.
[reality:]
J.D.: "Remember what you heard when you weren't even listening." What the hell does that mean?
Elliot: I don't know, but I can't find anything in here to her kidney malfunction, her lack of clotting, and the internal bleeding. I feel like we're just getting lost deeper in the woods.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: That's a great diagnosis.
Elliot: What are her chances?
Dr. Cox: We've done all we can. Now she needs a new liver, we just... got to hope she gets one on time.
[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] And with the monster gone, all was once again well in Sacred Heartia. The Turla made peace with itself. Beautiful kites were flown. And the knight rode off to fight again. And the idiot and the princess? Well, they decided that their almost-kiss meant nothing. Because in the end, they were both idiots.
Jack: [v.o.] What about the maiden?
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] What do you think, Jack? She lived happily ever after.
[present, reality:]
Dr. Cox: Go to sleep. I love you very much.
Jordan: So?
Dr. Cox: So what?
Jordan: So did the girl make it? Did she get her liver in time? Is that how it really ended?
Dr. Cox: Let's just say, that's the way I'm telling it.

Quote from Doug

Doug: Hey J.D.! You keep wheeling them in, I keep wheeling them out.
J.D.: Awesome appropriateness, Doug.

Quote from J.D.

Nurse Shirley: Hey, why was your baby boy dress like Caesar, this morning?
J.D.: Oh, I don't have clothes for Sam in my house, so I just cut arm and leg holes in a pillow case. The gold belt was just so he wouldn't feel ridiculous.

Quote from Elliot

Keith: Hey, I'm going to lunch. I took her culture to the lab for you.
Elliot: Thanks, Keith.
Keith: Yeah.
J.D.: Sounds like he's finally over you.
Elliot: No, he's still alternating between angry name calling and whiny pleas to get back together. Although he did agree to be civil while he's inside the hospital. [answers phone] Hello?
Keith: Why won't you love me?! Why don't you-
Elliot: See you tomorrow, Keith.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Can you believe a month ago you were gonna marry him and I was gonna move in with Kim, and it all fell apart when we had that almost-moment in the on-call room? You know, we never talked about that.
Elliot: What's there to talk about? You just tried to kiss me. [walks away]
J.D.: [v.o.] I tried to kiss her? What the hell? Wait a second, there's nobody here to see my "what the hell?" face.

Quote from J.D.

Boon: Slagy, you're up. A genetic defect that presents with anemia and causes copper build up in the liver and other organs, destroying them.
Debbie: What is Wilson's disease?
Boon: Yes.
Debbie: Yes! In your face! In your face!
Dr. Cox: What annoying thing is happening now?
J.D.: They're playing Diagnosis Jeopardy. When you win, you get to gloat. It's so stupid.
Dr. Cox: You never got to gloat, did you?
J.D.: I don't believe in gloating, it's tacky.
Debbie: "A condition in which the patient speaks in previously unknown dialect due to severe brain trauma."
J.D.: What is foreign accent syndrome?! Yes! In your faces! Or should I say, [British accent] in your faces. Hello, governor. Throw another shrimp on the barbie for me. Wait, that's Irish.
Dr. Cox: You're an idiot.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Where the hell are you going? It's your night to tell him a story.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't be more wiped out.
Jordan: The Nanny's mom died, and I had to spend the whole day sprinting around the house trying to avoid having conversations with her. You don't see me crying about it. So suck it up and spin a yarn.
Jack: Yeah, Dad, suck it up.

Quote from Dr. Cox

[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] There was once a nurse, a surgeon, a doctor, and an idiot.
J.D.: Does this hat make me look fly?
[reality:]
Jordan: Perry, he's four. No hospital stories.
Dr. Cox: Fine.
[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] There was once a 2-headed witch, a princess, and a village idiot.
J.D.: Does this hat make me look fly-ith? It jingles when I shake it.

Quote from Janitor

[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Once upon a time, a long time ago, there was a little village known as Sacred Heartia.
Nurse Shirley: Dammit, Giant. Why is this village so filthy?
Janitor: Well, irritable towns woman of color, it could be because this town's roads are paved with mud. Or maybe it's because I've been swabbing everyone's porch with ox urine. [laughs] I jest. Only yours. You know why? You've been telling people I eat babies. I don't eat babies. With babies, it's a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. I eat toddlers.
Doug: I thought you said she'd be dead already.
Janitor: Come back later. Say, do you have any babies/toddlers on that cart?
Doug: Nope.
Janitor: Well, off to work.

Quote from J.D.

[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] On the outskirts of town, the princess' handmaiden was in dire straights, so her highness sent out a call for help.
J.D.: Good morrow.
Elliot: That's funny. I requested someone strong and brave, and yet here stands the village idiot.
J.D.: Hey, I'm brave. I just saved this fish from drowning. Off you go, little buddy. He's tired now. Earlier he was dancing all around. Run free! Run!
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Now, this was no ordinary idiot. He was a colossal idiot.
J.D.: Run free! Andale!
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] I mean such an idiot that other idiots would-
[reality:]
Jack: Daddy!
Dr. Cox: I'm very sorry, dear. I just wanted to be real clear with you about how big an idiot he actually was.

Quote from J.D.

[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] In any case, the princess and the idiot had had a sordid past.
J.D.: Look, your highness, I just came by so you could apologize for saying I tried to kiss you when in fact, it was your royal tongue that tried to storm my mouth castle.
Elliot: That's not how I recall it.
J.D.: Come on, you closed your eyes and started heaving your bosoms up and down and up and down.
Elliot: Yeah, that's called breathing. I'm doing it now.
J.D.: I know. Can I rest my face on them and ponder what you've said?
Elliot: No. My poor maiden is being tormented by a terrible monster. She grows weaker by the minute.
J.D.: A monster? I mean, she looks ill, but I think it's a bit of a leap to say it's the work of a monster. [monster screams] There's a monster in there.

Quote from Elliot

[fairy tale:]
Elliot: Are you gonna help me, or not?
Keith: I will.
Elliot: Keith.
Keith: Perhaps, if I can save your maiden, the soul of your heart will soften so I can once again plant the seed of our love.
Keith: Yeah, look, prince, this, it's not happening, okay? Time to move on.
Elliot: Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back the key to my chastity belt.
Keith: Fine. Come on, Peppermint.
Elliot: [chastity belt falls] Ah, that is going to make so many things so much easier.

Quote from Turk

[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] The Turla was once two separate witches. But when they married, they merged into one. It made for some awkward situations.
[Turk fells up the breast on Carla's side]
Turk: That's
Carla: What
Turk: I'm
Carla: Talking
Turk: About! [laughs]

Quote from J.D.

[fairy tale:]
Elliot: How are we gonna get there?
J.D.: Don't worry, I got a sweet ride.
[later:]
Elliot: This is mortifying.
J.D.: Don't listen to her, Sasha.
Elliot: Idiot, I have to ask. How do you get your hair like that?
J.D.: You like it? I do it myself. It's one part horse manure, one part river mud, and a touch of my special ingredient.
J.D.: [v.o.] More horse manure.

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