J.D.: [v.o.] You're only 80 minutes late. She'll still be here. Please be here. Come on, Alex. Please be here.
[As J.D. looks around the restaurant, he catches the gaze of the Janitor who is dining at a table]
Janitor: You gotta be kidding me! There's a waste of a gift certificate. Cancel the cobbler!

Dr. Cox: Newbie, do you happen to know what a zebra is?
J.D.: That patient just mocked me.
Dr. Cox: It's a diagnosis of a ridiculously obscure disease when it's much more likely that the patient has a common illness presenting with uncommon symptoms. In other words, if you hear hoof beats, you just go ahead and think horsies, not zebras. Mm-kay, Mr. Silly Bear?

J.D.: Well, you know that means a lot coming from you, Mr. Right-here-with-me two-hours-after-his-shift- and-last-Monday-night-too guy.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: You heard me.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, what're you saying? That you want to be like me? Do you understand that I just barely want to be like me?

Dr. Kelso: Ted. I need you to take care of some lawyer crap for me, and it would be a great help if you would go to traffic court for me and make this go away.
Ted: I don't think so.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Ted: No, Bob! I have my own things I need to take care of.
Dr. Kelso: Of course. Of course.
Ted: [quietly] Walk off, bitch.
Dr. Cox: How is it, exactly, that you just said that and your pants are still dry?
Ted: Don't you understand what you did when you spoke to those interns? You took away the fear. You are a wonderful person, and I love you.

Janitor: Would you mind not staring at me while I'm eating? I hate it.
J.D.: But I'm not. I was-
Janitor: What am I doing right now?
J.D.: Eating.
Janitor: What are you doing?
J.D.: Staring.
Janitor: Okay. [pours orange juice over his meal] There. Now no one gets to eat it. You happy?
J.D.: Not really.

J.D.: Alex dumped me.
Dr. Cox: Ah, you mean the blind girl you've been dating?
J.D.: She's not blind.
Dr. Cox: Of course she's not. Okay, Newbie, how'd you drop the ball on this one? And don't tell me you cried, or I'm gonna have you banned from the men's room again.
J.D.: I was just so excited what we were doing here, I just forgot all about our date.
Dr. Cox: You didn't forget. You kept looking at your watch. I saw you. I just naturally assumed that you were afraid of missing Judging Amy. It just never occurred to me you were choosing work over being with that sweet little biscuit, you stupid piss-ant.

Carla: I've been having all these thoughts going through my head, and I'm afraid if I tell you, I'd scare you away. That's the last thing that I wanna- Take that damn thing off. Oh, God.
Turk: Baby, there's nothing that could scare me away.
Carla: Ever since we said "I love you" to each other, I've been feeling all this pressure. And wondering about the future. Our future. Like, are we gonna get married? Are we gonna have kids? If so, how many and when will I get my figure back? Should I keep working? Where are we gonna live? Is my mother going to live with us? How big a house? How many bathrooms? What if my mother walks in on you while you're in the bathroom, you slip and fall, and I can't afford the funeral costs?
Turk: Okay, that's a little scary.

J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, so you asked out a girl stuck in an MRI machine, without ever seeing her face. Remember, no matter what she looks like, be sure to play it cool.
J.D.: Yes! Yes! You are hot! Smokin' hot! In your face! Woo-hoo!
J.D.: [v.o.] That night, we went out on our first date. Had our first dinner. Rented our first movie. Took our first long drive.
Alex: Look out!
J.D.: [v.o.] Killed our first raccoon. Ever since then, every date we've been on has always ended the same way.
J.D.: No! Cox wants me back at the hospital.
Alex: But the page is addressed to Lillian.
J.D.: Yeah, that's me. What a drag.
J.D.: [v.o.] That was probably the wrong time to ask for a quickie.

Dr. Cox: Here's the deal. I have been coerced by the forces of evil into conducting rounds this morning.
[flashback:]
Dr. Kelso: Why do you have to do rounds? Because I'm sleepy. How's that?
[present:]
Dr. Cox: So, to make this a more palatable experience for moi, I am not going to call you by your names. Instead, I'll be referring to you by whatever distinguishing physical characteristic occurs to me. Okay, you, Chicken Beak. What causes pneumonia presenting with diarrhea?
Man: Legionella.
Dr. Cox: Nice job. It turns out your mind's just as sharp as your nose.

Dr. Cox: And you, Dye Job. What are the elements of Whipple's triad?
Elliot: Uh...
J.D.: [v.o.] It's hard to describe how scary it is when you don't know an answer.
[fantasy: a brick falls out of Elliot's pants]