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32Quotes from ‘My Balancing Act’

Scrubs: My Balancing Act

113. My Balancing Act

Aired January 15, 2002

J.D.'s new relationship with Alex gets off to a rocky start because he's spending so much time at the hospital. The interns stop fearing Dr. Kelso after Dr. Cox leads rounds for a day. Meanwhile, Turk and Carla experience a problem in the bedroom.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] You're only 80 minutes late. She'll still be here. Please be here. Come on, Alex. Please be here.
[As J.D. looks around the restaurant, he catches the gaze of the Janitor who is dining at a table]
Janitor: You gotta be kidding me! There's a waste of a gift certificate. Cancel the cobbler!

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Newbie, do you happen to know what a zebra is?
J.D.: That patient just mocked me.
Dr. Cox: It's a diagnosis of a ridiculously obscure disease when it's much more likely that the patient has a common illness presenting with uncommon symptoms. In other words, if you hear hoof beats, you just go ahead and think horsies, not zebras. Mm-kay, Mr. Silly Bear?

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Well, you know that means a lot coming from you, Mr. Right-here-with-me two-hours-after-his-shift- and-last-Monday-night-too guy.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: You heard me.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, what're you saying? That you want to be like me? Do you understand that I just barely want to be like me?

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Would you mind not staring at me while I'm eating? I hate it.
J.D.: But I'm not. I was-
Janitor: What am I doing right now?
J.D.: Eating.
Janitor: What are you doing?
J.D.: Staring.
Janitor: Okay. [pours orange juice over his meal] There. Now no one gets to eat it. You happy?
J.D.: Not really.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Alex dumped me.
Dr. Cox: Ah, you mean the blind girl you've been dating?
J.D.: She's not blind.
Dr. Cox: Of course she's not. Okay, Newbie, how'd you drop the ball on this one? And don't tell me you cried, or I'm gonna have you banned from the men's room again.
J.D.: I was just so excited what we were doing here, I just forgot all about our date.
Dr. Cox: You didn't forget. You kept looking at your watch. I saw you. I just naturally assumed that you were afraid of missing Judging Amy. It just never occurred to me you were choosing work over being with that sweet little biscuit, you stupid piss-ant.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Kelso: Ted. I need you to take care of some lawyer crap for me, and it would be a great help if you would go to traffic court for me and make this go away.
Ted: I don't think so.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Ted: No, Bob! I have my own things I need to take care of.
Dr. Kelso: Of course. Of course.
Ted: [quietly] Walk off, bitch.
Dr. Cox: How is it, exactly, that you just said that and your pants are still dry?
Ted: Don't you understand what you did when you spoke to those interns? You took away the fear. You are a wonderful person, and I love you.

Quote from Carla

Carla: I've been having all these thoughts going through my head, and I'm afraid if I tell you, I'd scare you away. That's the last thing that I wanna- Take that damn thing off. Oh, God.
Turk: Baby, there's nothing that could scare me away.
Carla: Ever since we said "I love you" to each other, I've been feeling all this pressure. And wondering about the future. Our future. Like, are we gonna get married? Are we gonna have kids? If so, how many and when will I get my figure back? Should I keep working? Where are we gonna live? Is my mother going to live with us? How big a house? How many bathrooms? What if my mother walks in on you while you're in the bathroom, you slip and fall, and I can't afford the funeral costs?
Turk: Okay, that's a little scary.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, so you asked out a girl stuck in an MRI machine, without ever seeing her face. Remember, no matter what she looks like, be sure to play it cool.
J.D.: Yes! Yes! You are hot! Smokin' hot! In your face! Woo-hoo!
J.D.: [v.o.] That night, we went out on our first date. Had our first dinner. Rented our first movie. Took our first long drive.
Alex: Look out!
J.D.: [v.o.] Killed our first raccoon. Ever since then, every date we've been on has always ended the same way.
J.D.: No! Cox wants me back at the hospital.
Alex: But the page is addressed to Lillian.
J.D.: Yeah, that's me. What a drag.
J.D.: [v.o.] That was probably the wrong time to ask for a quickie.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Here's the deal. I have been coerced by the forces of evil into conducting rounds this morning.
[flashback:]
Dr. Kelso: Why do you have to do rounds? Because I'm sleepy. How's that?
[present:]
Dr. Cox: So, to make this a more palatable experience for moi, I am not going to call you by your names. Instead, I'll be referring to you by whatever distinguishing physical characteristic occurs to me. Okay, you, Chicken Beak. What causes pneumonia presenting with diarrhea?
Man: Legionella.
Dr. Cox: Nice job. It turns out your mind's just as sharp as your nose.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: And you, Dye Job. What are the elements of Whipple's triad?
Elliot: Uh...
J.D.: [v.o.] It's hard to describe how scary it is when you don't know an answer.
[fantasy: a brick falls out of Elliot's pants]

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: I can't remember. I am so sorry.
Dr. Cox: Sorry? What in the hell are you sorry about?
Elliot: Well, it's just Dr. Kelso yells at us when we don't know-
Dr. Cox: Oh, children, you can't let that bloated bag of hate affect you like that. And besides being a doctor is as much about finding the answers as knowing them. For instance, take Clarabelle's patient here, Mr. Yeager. Now, we have no idea what the hell's wrong with him. So we have run tests for everything from meningitis to inter-cranial mass and according to these results, oh, everything seems to have come back negative. Which doesn't necessarily mean that Clarabelle here is a failure. It just means that she's got to keep trying, no matter how frustrated she just might get. Now, of course, if you are lazy and incompetent, then, yes, that will buy you a one-way ticket out of here. Doug. Uh-huh. Listen to me carefully. Kelso can't do a damn thing to you if you just answer a question wrong. It doesn't work that way. Moving on. [to J.D.] Not you. You still have work to do. Johnny No-Tan?
Doug: Yes, sir?
Dr. Cox: I'd like you to present the next patient to me.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You know what's great about you working in the hospital? Like, even when our dates get interrupted, we can just have a date here. Let's say for instance you wanted to watch a movie. We could just go to the conference room and watch that video on STDs. It's funny and it makes you think.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: So judging from the ataxia dysarthria, I've concluded that Mr. Yeager is suffering from kuru.
Dr. Cox: Kuru?
J.D.: Kuru.
Dr. Cox: Kuru?
J.D.: Yes, kuru.
Dr. Cox: Wow, I'd actually never thought of that.
J.D.: Hell, yeah.
Dr. Cox: Were you aware that the only documented cases of kuru were members of a cannibalistic tribe in Papua New Guinea?
J.D.: I was not.
Mr. Yeager: Actually, doc, I was in New Guinea last week.
J.D.: Really?
Mr. Yeager: No.

Quote from Turk

Turk: So, last night, when I was with Carla-
J.D.: Dude, I can't talk. I gotta figure this Mr. Yeager thing out.
Turk: Cool. Cool. Let's just say, my horse didn't finish the race. I mean, I'm at the filling station, but my credit card's declined. I'm on the jet ski-
J.D.: I got it!
Turk: Good. Because I had no idea what to say...

Quote from Todd

Todd: So when I saw you in the hall this morning and I said "How's your penis?" and you didn't wanna talk about it...
Turk: Dude. It's not me.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: I want to talk to you about rounds.
Dr. Cox: Well, here we go, Bobby. Bring it on.
Dr. Kelso: They're all yours. You will be leading them from now on.
Dr. Cox: You've stunned me, but you haven't dropped me to the mat. Kind of waiting for the roundhouse here. The old haymaker, when the yelling starts and the voice gets high-pitched. "Daddy, I've been bad. Daddy, I've been a bad boy. Oh, Daddy! Oh, Daddy! Daddy, I've been bad." Oh, come on. If you're not gonna play, it's no fun.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend I can give you tips on intercourse.
Carla: I got one for you. Stop calling it that.
Elliot: My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a fear of intimacy, but I think it's because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.
Carla: That poor shrink.

Quote from Turk

Carla: I guess I just need to know you think about that stuff too.
Turk: Carla? No, I don't. But I love it that you do.
Carla: Yeah?
Turk: That's what makes this relationship work. We're so different. I keep us in the present, you look out for what's up ahead. Besides, there is no way in hell your mother's ever going to live with us. If she ever walks in on me while I'm in the bathroom, she's getting a trip to Florida.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Well, ladies and germs, I'm telling you if you get this shorthand down, it has a way of making your day go just a little bit quicker. "CTD" being "circling the drain." Your patient is on the way out. "SOB", "shortness of breath" and "WNL", "within normal limits". Elvis, you go ahead and feel free to write this down, any time before you leave the building.


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