Jordan: Good job, D.J.
J.D.: You know, it's J.D., okay? And at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners.
Jordan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morning Wood are both extremely grateful. Yeah.
J.D.: Camp Meadow Wood. I made a lanyard.

J.D.: There. Just a tiny splinter. It's funny. I can't stop thinking about Aesop's Fables. You know the one where the lion's always hassling the little mouse? Then the mouse pulls a thorn from his paw?
Janitor: Right, and the lion kills him anyway. Yeah.
J.D.: No, he doesn't.
Janitor: Trust me.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk should've known that the worst mistake a doctor can make is setting foot in the hospital's free clinic at night.
[montage:]
Turk: I don't care if you do shave down there. That's not even a medical issue. But it sure is pretty.
Turk: Ma'am, you don't have mono. But you do have halitosis. Mint?
Turk: Ma'am, three baby Tylenol is actually an underdose for a woman your size.
Turk: Yes, congratulations, you are double-jointed.

Carla: I know you care about her. In fact, I bet that after you two are done playing racquetball or talking or whatever you crazy kids are calling it, you'd like nothing better than to just lie there and watch her sleep.
Dr. Cox: Carla, it's impossible to actually lie next to Jordan seeing as she sleeps hanging upside down from the ceiling wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.
Carla: That's nice.

Ted: Hey. This is my band. We all work in different departments in the hospital.
J.D.: Ted, I know, you told me last time we-
Ted: [vocalizing] Legal
Roy: [vocalizing] Accounting
Crispin: [vocalizing] Shipping and Receiving
Randall: [vocalizing] On-site property management, including pest control, night-time security, non-arboreal gardening services, and tenant-related easements and liens-
J.D.: Hey, you got promoted.
All: [vocalizing] It's about time He's been busting his hump around here for six years.
Ted: Dr. Kelso lets us practice here at night.
J.D.: Oh, yeah, I remember. Cartoon theme songs.
Ted: No, no, no. That was lame. We do prime-time now.
[Ted's band sing The Facts of Life theme song]

Elliot: You guys, we're residents now. We're supposed to have more responsibility, you know.
Turk: I scratched my nose with Bad Guy's toe.
J.D.: I think we just have to accept the fact that we're the most underappreciated people at this hospital.
Carla: Bambi, I really feel for you.
J.D.: Thank you.
Turk: She doesn't.
Carla: J.D., I spend most of my time here getting orders barked at me by people who take credit for my work and blame me for their mistakes. And all the while I'm expected to hold the doctor's hand. You should try trading places with me for one day.

Dr. Cox: Listen, girlfriend, I don't want to hear your misguided romantic notions. 'cause you see, for me, sex is a sport, like racquetball. Play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat, and hope you don't get hit in the eye.

Dr. Cox: Sandy, what do you say we start out work day?
J.D.: You know, Sandy isn't necessarily a girl's name.
Dr. Cox: It's short for Sandra.
J.D.: Clear.

Jordan: Hello, Perry.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, God, the ex-wife.
Dr. Cox: Jordan. What a coincidence! You were in my dream last night. I can't say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake. You, right?
Jordan: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Right?
Jordan: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Right?
Jordan: Uh-huh.

Jordan: Say, let's play a game. I'll throw out an adjective describing how one of you is in bed, and you guys try to guess who it is.
J.D.: Remember, I had no idea she was your ex at the time.
Jordan: OK. Clumsy.
Dr. Cox: Don't answer that, Newbie.
J.D.: No worries. [falls over]