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39Quotes from ‘My Nightingale’

Scrubs: My Nightingale

202. My Nightingale

Aired October 3, 2002

With no attending doctor in the I.C.U., J.D., Elliot and Turk are in charge of the place for the night. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox realizes he has feelings for Jordan again, and Dr. Kelso asks Cox to introduce him at an awards dinner.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Good job, D.J.
J.D.: You know, it's J.D., okay? And at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners.
Jordan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morning Wood are both extremely grateful. Yeah.
J.D.: Camp Meadow Wood. I made a lanyard.

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Quote from Janitor

J.D.: There. Just a tiny splinter. It's funny. I can't stop thinking about Aesop's Fables. You know the one where the lion's always hassling the little mouse? Then the mouse pulls a thorn from his paw?
Janitor: Right, and the lion kills him anyway. Yeah.
J.D.: No, he doesn't.
Janitor: Trust me.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk should've known that the worst mistake a doctor can make is setting foot in the hospital's free clinic at night.
[montage:]
Turk: I don't care if you do shave down there. That's not even a medical issue. But it sure is pretty.
Turk: Ma'am, you don't have mono. But you do have halitosis. Mint?
Turk: Ma'am, three baby Tylenol is actually an underdose for a woman your size.
Turk: Yes, congratulations, you are double-jointed.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: I know you care about her. In fact, I bet that after you two are done playing racquetball or talking or whatever you crazy kids are calling it, you'd like nothing better than to just lie there and watch her sleep.
Dr. Cox: Carla, it's impossible to actually lie next to Jordan seeing as she sleeps hanging upside down from the ceiling wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.
Carla: That's nice.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Hey. This is my band. We all work in different departments in the hospital.
J.D.: Ted, I know, you told me last time we-
Ted: [vocalizing] Legal
J.D.: [vocalizing] Legal
Roy: [vocalizing] Accounting
Crispin: [vocalizing] Shipping and Receiving
Randall: [vocalizing] On-site property management, including pest control, night-time security, non-arboreal gardening services, and tenant-related easements and liens-
J.D.: Hey, you got promoted.
All: [vocalizing] It's about time He's been busting his hump around here for six years.
Ted: Dr. Kelso lets us practice here at night.
J.D.: Oh, yeah, I remember. Cartoon theme songs.
Ted: No, no, no. That was lame. We do prime-time now.
[sing The Facts of Life theme song]

Quote from Carla

Elliot: You guys, we're residents now. We're supposed to have more responsibility, you know.
Turk: I scratched my nose with Bad Guy's toe.
J.D.: I think we just have to accept the fact that we're the most underappreciated people at this hospital.
Carla: Bambi, I really feel for you.
J.D.: Thank you.
Turk: She doesn't.
Carla: J.D., I spend most of my time here getting orders barked at me by people who take credit for my work and blame me for their mistakes. And all the while I'm expected to hold the doctor's hand. You should try trading places with me for one day.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Listen, girlfriend, I don't want to hear your misguided romantic notions. 'cause you see, for me, sex is a sport, like racquetball. Play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat, and hope you don't get hit in the eye.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Sandy, what do you say we start out work day?
J.D.: You know, Sandy isn't necessarily a girl's name.
Dr. Cox: It's short for Sandra.
J.D.: Clear.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Jordan: Hello, Perry.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, God, the ex-wife.
Dr. Cox: Jordan. What a coincidence! You were in my dream last night. I can't say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake. You, right?
Jordan: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Right?
Jordan: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Right?
Jordan: Uh-huh.

Quote from J.D.

Jordan: Say, let's play a game. I'll throw out an adjective describing how one of you is in bed, and you guys try to guess who it is.
J.D.: Remember, I had no idea she was your ex at the time.
Jordan: OK. Clumsy.
Dr. Cox: Don't answer that, Newbie.
J.D.: No worries. [falls over]

Quote from Turk

Turk: The doctor is in. Bad guy, this is why you don't run from the police. Baby, are you ready to rock?
Nurse: Right. Another cocky resident that wants to start surgery before the attending shows up.
Turk: I'm sorry, I just figured that if we finished here quick enough, we might have enough time to pull the stick out of your ass. What do you say?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, man. I don't like his O2 cells. Get me a doughnut, will you?
Elliot: Oh, you mean like a a blood pressure thingy?
Dr. Cox: I mean a glazed thingy. And I like sprinkles on half of it. So if you can't find a half-sprinkle, get me an all-sprinkles and go ahead and pick half of 'em off. [whistles]
J.D.: You know, that was kind of demeaning.
Dr. Cox: Dammit, you're right. Would you do me a favor and apologise to her while you're getting me some coffee? And please be quick otherwise I'm just going to have the manager send over a different waitress. Go. You're done now. Yeah.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Miss Sullivan, I just want to thank you and the rest of the board for this award. The fact your first choice passed away last week, in no way makes it any less special.
Jordan: Are you sure? 'cause it seems like it does.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Hey, Bob, as far as the intro thing goes, I've actually gone ahead and given it a great deal of thought, but I'm afraid I'm gonna very politely have to tell you to blow it out your ass.
Dr. Kelso: I think we both understand how this works. It's like when my dog Baxter goes winkle on the carpet. He always heads right straight away from the tool shed, but we both know that's where he's gonna spend the night.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: What attendings are stuck here on call tonight?
Turk: Everyone's at that Kelso thing.
Elliot: I think Dr. Cox is on.
Carla: He went home, but said that Carol could cover for him.
Turk: Is Carol the one with the really firm butt?
J.D.: Well, I'm Carol, so yes.
Elliot: It's disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt.

Quote from Turk

Dr. Cox: Oh, sweet mother of mercy, Carla, you were right, you were so right. What am I supposed to do now?
Carla: Duck.
Turk: Who at that damn clinic paged me 'cause a patient thinks their tongue is too spongy? Who? Who?

Quote from Carla

Dr. Cox: Under no circumstances tell any of them that I'm here.
Carla: Yeah, look, why don't you just go home and tell Jordan how you feel?
Dr. Cox: [scoffs] Tell a woman how I feel?
Carla: Well, I guess you could... Duck.
Elliot: This is ridiculous. He admitted him to cardiology because he has heartburn. I hate ER docs.
Dr. Cox: You don't understand my relationship.
Carla: Duck. [nobody comes]
Dr. Cox: Now that's just not funny.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: OK, Mr. Freed, I think I can do this.
Mr. Freed: Hmm?
J.D.: I'm gonna need a C-arm in here.
Janitor: Want me to knock him out?
J.D.: What are you doing in here?
Janitor: I owe you. I'm helping you out.
J.D.: This isn't like being a janitor. It's not something everybody can do.
Janitor: Oh, so you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?
J.D.: Yes!
Janitor: OK, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tiled floor?
J.D.: I don't know. The rough side of a sponge?
Janitor: Damn it.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [deep voice] You rang? [normally] Lurch.
J.D.: My stethoscope is stuck up there and I need you to get it down for me.
Janitor: You put it up there.
J.D.: That's really neither here nor there.
Janitor: Fine. Alright, we're even.
J.D.: Oh, thank God.
Janitor: You know, you could've just asked me to stop hassling you for, like, a year.
J.D.: OK, I want that, then.
Janitor: It's too late. [walks off with J.D.'s stethoscope]
J.D.: But I use those for listening.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Good evening, everybody. Bob Kelso is...
J.D.: [v.o.] In moments of truth, we always reveal who we really are.
Dr. Cox: Bob Kelso is an awful, awful man. [laughter spreads around room] I'm not joking. He's the devil. What's wrong with you people? This is-
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff, Perry, great stuff. Is this guy a hoot or what? I'll get your ass for this.


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