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39Quotes from ‘My Boss' Free Haircut’

Scrubs: My Boss' Free Haircut

420. My Boss' Free Haircut

Aired March 29, 2005

After scolding Dr. Cox for his bedside manner, Dr. Kelso treats a patient for the first time in decades. Meanwhile, J.D. and Elliot try to cheer up Turk and Carla as they continue to work through their marital problems.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Thank you so much for letting me stay here, Elliot.
Elliot: Please. And I still have only one rule. I cannot talk or be talked to while I'm on the toilet. And I also cannot talk or be talked to by someone who's on the toilet.
Carla: You told me yesterday, Elliot. I get it.
Elliot: You say you get it and yet you still managed to knock this morning and ask if I wanted coffee.
Carla: Oh, I just thought that-
Elliot: Uh, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Pretend that never happened or I won't poo again for two months.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Mr. Warner, do you see what you've made me do by once again choosing to spend all of your free time out on the surface of the sun until melanoma has developed. You've forced me to pull the attending dermatologist away from his backne seminar and validate his most ridiculous of career choices. [Dr. Johnson squeals] Oh, God.
Mr. Warner: I just wanted to look good.
Dr. Cox: You, my friend, look so damned leathery, I'm honestly tempted to wrap you around a baseball, cinch you up with a belt and stick you under my mattress so that you're good and broken in for the big game on Sunday. But, since I'm here to heal, not judge, I'm gonna go ahead and write you a couple of prescriptions. You'll find that this first one is for an extra large mallet to help you pound some sense into yourself. The second one is for a big floppy hat that you're now to wear every single time you leave the house. Have a great day. You look like a purse.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: What is going up with Turk? He doesn't even seem bummed out.
J.D.: I uplifted his spirits.
Elliot: How did you do that? Because Carla is just bottoming out, man. I mean, I'm not even supposed to be here at work today. I just came to use bathroom because she keeps violating the rule.
J.D.: Quiet on the crapper?
Elliot: Yeah. It's like she just stores everything up until my cheeks hit the seat. She thinks she's exempted from the rule. Nobody is exempted from the rule, J.D.
J.D.: Okay, it's okay. I'll never talk to you on the crapper.
Elliot: I can't afford to soundproof my bathroom.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: Junior, I don't know what you're doing in my area, but you better be looking for some bandages, cause you're gonna need them when I get through with you. Dr. Kelso, I didn't recognize you in scrubs.
Dr. Kelso: That's okay, Laverne. I didn't recognize you without your mini TV and your feet up.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Remember when being a doctor meant that people would look up to you. When I first started out, I could get this old white coat out, get a free haircut, nice table at the restaurant. Hell, I never once got a speeding ticket.
Dr. Cox: People used to give me cards and gifts and sometimes even a pie, just for doing my job.
Dr. Kelso: Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter because I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all those mothers because that's what a house call used to mean.
Dr. Cox: Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing days, Bob. Today, people think of us as drug dispensing, walking lawsuits who are in fact less informed than their internet phones.
Dr. Kelso: So that's what that damned thing was.
Dr. Cox: I will tell you one thing, though. If you even to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays, you damn sure better speak from your heart.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you Perry.
Dr. Cox: Blow it out your ass, Bob.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

[Dr. Kelso kicks the door down]
Turk: Sir, the door was open.
Dr. Kelso: I know, I just love doing it.
Miss Goldman: What now, grandpa?
Dr. Kelso: You are gonna shut your damn yapper and listen for a change. Because I've got you pegged, sweetheart. You want to take the easy way out with this surgery because you're scared. And you're scared because if you try and fail, there's only you to blame. Well, missy, let me break this down for you Bobbo-style. Life is scary. Get used to it.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then it seemed like Dr. Kelso wasn't only talking to her.
Dr. Kelso: There are no magical fixes. It's all up to you. So get up of your keister, get out of here and go start doing the work.
Miss Goldman: What if it's too hard?
Turk: Yeah, what if it's too hard?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I have no idea of why you are chiming in, but I'll say this to both of you. Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Dude, we stayed up too late.
J.D.: It was our first annual interracial buddy movie night, we had to.
Turk: You know, I'm still pissed that you thought Turner & Hooch was an interracial buddy movie.
J.D.: I didn't know it was Tom Hanks and a dog, okay? Don't paint me as a racist just because I thought black guy when I heard the name Hooch.
Hooch: Yeah, J.D., what's up?
J.D.: Oh, sorry, Hooch, we were just talking about the movie.
Hooch: No biggie, happens all the time.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Surprise!
Carla: What's going on?
Elliot: We are going to celebrate your mom's death. I mean your mom's life. We're gonna celebrate your dead mom's life. I even got a cake.
Carla: Wow. Does it say "dead" anywhere on it?
Elliot: [licks frosting] Not anymore.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: You know, I'm really not comfortable with this kind of stuff.
Elliot: Carla, you can totally talk to people once they're gone. I used to talk to our maid Consuela all the time.
Carla: When did she die?
Elliot: When I was 11. At least that's what my dad told me. I mean, I found out after college that he actually had her deported for putting knives in the fork drawer.
Carla: You know, Elliot, you're a lot more normal than you should be.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: The point is in the meantime it's important you don't spiral into depression, okay? So I'm taking you to a carnival downtown tonight. What do you say?
Turk: Dude, I can't go to a carnival, it reminds me of Carla.
J.D.: Why?
Turk: Dude, CARNIVAL. Remove the NIV, switch the A and L and you get Carla.
[fantasy: J.D. writes CARNIVAL above his head. He removes the NIL, switches the A & L, then joins it together.]
J.D.: Oh, my God, he's right.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Perry, I am sick and tired of listening to people complain about being called fatties, dummies, boozers, losers, winos, tubbos, tokers, smokers and jamokers. Whatever the hell jamokers means.
Dr. Cox: I was actually saying jokers and had coffee cake in my mouth.
Dr. Kelso: Bottom line, unlike my masseuse Frida, you're not pretty enough to be this rough. Work on your bedside manner.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Say, Bobbo, when exactly was the last time you treated a patient?
[flashback to a Dr. Kelso with a full head or brown hair in a patient's room:]
Dr. Kelso: Now, you listen to me, Bettie. No mater how long it takes, we're gonna get through this.
Man: Congratulations Bob, they just named you chief of medicine.
Dr. Kelso: Bingo! Smell you later, Betty.
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: Fine, you want me to take a patient, I'll take a patient.
Dr. Cox: The Bobbotron is actually gonna try to connect with an other human being. This is so on. [whistles] Guys, it's so on.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Hello, Miss Goldman, I'm your doctor.
Miss Goldman: Don't you mean my doctor's great-great-great-grand-father? You're old.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I got that.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Hey, friend. I switched shift so we could hang out tonight.
Turk: Hell, yeah. There's no beer in the fridge. You know, we're gonna have to make a stop and pick up some Hooch.
Hooch: Yeah, Turk?
Turk: Sorry man, I was talking about the beer.
Hooch: There's no problem buddy.
Turk: All right.
Hooch: Just seems like you could have said "beer". Yeah, it's much more a common word.
Turk: My bad. Won't happen again.
Hooch: "Won't happen again."
J.D.: You knew he was there, didn't you?
Turk: I couldn't help myself.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: And I am not kidding you. My mom turns to the guidance counselor, and she says... [speaks Spanish].
[Elliot laughs]
Carla: You understood that?
Elliot: No, but I know when I'm supposed to laugh in any language.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: What we are dealing with are venostasis ulceres, most likely because of your weight.
Miss Goldman: Wow, you figured out that I'm fat. You're either a brilliant doctor, or every guy I've ever gone high school with.
Dr. Kelso: Okay, moving on. From the numbers I'm seeing on your fast and glucose and tryglicerines, I'm suspecting-
Miss Goldman: Metabolic syndrome?
Dr. Kelso: Yes. Now, this condition is not that rare.
Miss Goldman: One in five people have it.
Dr. Kelso: Stop doing that.
Miss Goldman: Why am I paying you to tell me things I've already figured out on my own?
Dr. Kelso: Maybe because I graduated first in my class at Stanford in 1972?
Miss Goldman: You graduated twelfth of your class in 1968.
Nurse Roberts: She Googled your ass.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I am not interested in your street lingo. What I am interested in is where she found that magic phone that keeps making me look like an idiot.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [on the phone] Hey, Elliot, do me a favor.
[at the hospital:]
Elliot: What do you mean, "say Hooch"?
Hooch: [with bloody surgical gloves] Oh my God, what? I'm a little busy.
Elliot: I'm sorry, I'm not really sure what's happening right now.
Hooch: Well, of course you're not. Because in your head, it's all about you, isn't it? Well no more. Say Hooch again, it will be the last thing you ever say.
J.D.: [laughing] He was mad, wasn't he? Oh, Hooch is crazy.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Ask Betty why he's such a girly girl.
Elliot: Not now.
Dr. Cox: Do it now, do it now. Call her Betty.
Elliot: You're insane.
Dr. Cox: Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty.
Elliot: [on the phone with J.D.] Betty?
J.D.: Yeah.
Elliot: Oh, my god, it worked!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: What is it Bob?
Dr. Kelso: When the hell did patients stop respecting us? I really tried to help that young woman and she she rolled over me like Enid's wheelchair over Baxter's tail. Enid was recently paralyzed, I haven't told anyone. Anyway, I couldn't handle a patient, so go ahead, take your shots.
Dr. Cox: I want to, Bob. I really do. But my first patient today was a snot-nosed little punk who wouldn't let me give him a rectal exam unless I said pretty please first. And I'm just not big on begging strangers to stick my hand up their butt. Not even in my private time.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] You can never truly capture the past.
Barber: That will be $18.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I'm not paying. I'm a doctor.
Barber: Yeah we don't do that anymore. You're paying.
[Dr. Kelso gets up out of the barber's chair, still wearing the cape, and runs out of the shop]
J.D.: [v.o.] You still have to try, though. Because as a recently incarcerated doctor once said, nothing worth having comes easy.


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