Carla: Thank you so much for letting me stay here, Elliot.
Elliot: Please. And I still have only one rule. I cannot talk or be talked to while I'm on the toilet. And I also cannot talk or be talked to by someone who's on the toilet.
Carla: You told me yesterday, Elliot. I get it.
Elliot: You say you get it and yet you still managed to knock this morning and ask if I wanted coffee.
Carla: Oh, I just thought that-
Elliot: Uh, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Pretend that never happened or I won't poo again for two months.

Dr. Cox: Mr. Warner, do you see what you've made me do by once again choosing to spend all of your free time out on the surface of the sun until melanoma has developed. You've forced me to pull the attending dermatologist away from his backne seminar and validate his most ridiculous of career choices. [Dr. Johnson squeals] Oh, God.
Mr. Warner: I just wanted to look good.
Dr. Cox: You, my friend, look so damned leathery, I'm honestly tempted to wrap you around a baseball, cinch you up with a belt and stick you under my mattress so that you're good and broken in for the big game on Sunday. But, since I'm here to heal, not judge, I'm gonna go ahead and write you a couple of prescriptions. You'll find that this first one is for an extra large mallet to help you pound some sense into yourself. The second one is for a big floppy hat that you're now to wear every single time you leave the house. Have a great day. You look like a purse.

Elliot: What is going up with Turk? He doesn't even seem bummed out.
J.D.: I uplifted his spirits.
Elliot: How did you do that? Because Carla is just bottoming out, man. I mean, I'm not even supposed to be here at work today. I just came to use bathroom because she keeps violating the rule.
J.D.: Quiet on the crapper?
Elliot: Yeah. It's like she just stores everything up until my cheeks hit the seat. She thinks she's exempted from the rule. Nobody is exempted from the rule, J.D.
J.D.: Okay, it's okay. I'll never talk to you on the crapper.
Elliot: I can't afford to soundproof my bathroom.

Nurse Roberts: Junior, I don't know what you're doing in my area, but you better be looking for some bandages, cause you're gonna need them when I get through with you. Dr. Kelso, I didn't recognize you in scrubs.
Dr. Kelso: That's okay, Laverne. I didn't recognize you without your mini TV and your feet up.

Dr. Kelso: Remember when being a doctor meant that people would look up to you. When I first started out, I could get this old white coat out, get a free haircut, nice table at the restaurant. Hell, I never once got a speeding ticket.
Dr. Cox: People used to give me cards and gifts and sometimes even a pie, just for doing my job.
Dr. Kelso: Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter because I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all those mothers because that's what a house call used to mean.
Dr. Cox: Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing days, Bob. Today, people think of us as drug dispensing, walking lawsuits who are in fact less informed than their internet phones.
Dr. Kelso: So that's what that damned thing was.
Dr. Cox: I will tell you one thing, though. If you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays, you damn sure better speak from your heart.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Perry.
Dr. Cox: Blow it out your ass, Bob.

[Dr. Kelso kicks the door down]
Turk: Sir, the door was open.
Dr. Kelso: I know, I just love doing it.
Miss Goldman: What now, grandpa?
Dr. Kelso: You are gonna shut your damn yapper and listen for a change. Because I've got you pegged, sweetheart. You want to take the easy way out with this surgery because you're scared. And you're scared because if you try and fail, there's only you to blame. Well, missy, let me break this down for you Bobbo-style. Life is scary. Get used to it.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then it seemed like Dr. Kelso wasn't only talking to her.
Dr. Kelso: There are no magical fixes. It's all up to you. So get up of your keister, get out of here and go start doing the work.
Miss Goldman: What if it's too hard?
Turk: Yeah, what if it's too hard?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I have no idea of why you are chiming in, but I'll say this to both of you. Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.

Turk: Dude, we stayed up too late.
J.D.: It was our first annual interracial buddy movie night, we had to.
Turk: You know, I'm still pissed that you thought Turner & Hooch was an interracial buddy movie.
J.D.: I didn't know it was Tom Hanks and a dog, okay? Don't paint me as a racist just because I thought black guy when I heard the name Hooch.
Hooch: Yeah, J.D., what's up?
J.D.: Oh, sorry, Hooch, we were just talking about the movie.
Hooch: No biggie, happens all the time.

Elliot: Surprise!
Carla: What's going on?
Elliot: We are going to celebrate your mom's death. I mean your mom's life. We're gonna celebrate your dead mom's life. I even got a cake.
Carla: Wow. Does it say "dead" anywhere on it?
Elliot: [licks frosting] Not anymore.

Carla: You know, I'm really not comfortable with this kind of stuff.
Elliot: Carla, you can totally talk to people once they're gone. I used to talk to our maid Consuela all the time.
Carla: When did she die?
Elliot: When I was 11. At least that's what my dad told me. I mean, I found out after college that he actually had her deported for putting knives in the fork drawer.
Carla: You know, Elliot, you're a lot more normal than you should be.

Dr. Kelso: Hello, Miss Goldman, I'm your doctor.
Miss Goldman: Don't you mean my doctor's great-great-great-grand-father? You're old.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I got that.