Dr. Cox: What is with mothers doting on their children? My God. It's like- It's like nobody else exists in the world anymore. But I tell you one thing, and you can damn sure take it to the bank, my mother never paid that much attention to me.
J.D.: It doesn't show.
Dr. Cox: Word to the wise there, Astro. Sarcasm does not sit well with the Big Dog, so consider this a warning. Because the next time I hear you mumble some little passive-aggressive aside, I'm going to look into your heart, pick out your greatest insecurity, and shine the world's brightest spotlight on it for the remainder of natural-born your days. Now, riddle me this, Fido. Just exactly why does every Asian person who's passing us by in the hallway here keep giving you the old stink-eye?

Dr. Cox: OK, Mrs. Brady, we're going to break up your kidney stone with lithotripsy. In the meantime, we're gonna put you on Percocet for the pain.
Mrs. Brady: I can't take painkillers. Justin's still breastfeeding.
Justin: [clicks tongue]
Dr. Cox: Oh, you like milk, do you? Why don't you get on your bike, go to the store and get some?

Carla: Is this true?
Turk: [scoffs] Ralphie, I paid you ten dollars.
Carla: This is disgusting.
Turk: Why is it disgusting?
Ralphie: Because it was in my butt.
Turk: Ralphie, I'm dead serious. I want you to shut up. And you shut your mouth right now.
Carla: Would you wear this?
Turk: Baby! I've had this thing steam-cleaned, like, three times. Not only would I wear it, I'll put it in my mouth. [swallows]
Carla: What?
Ralphie: It's fun to eat things.

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess I always hoped that the longer you're a couple, the easier it got.
Jordan: No noise. And, by the way, the whole world gets it. You love your body. Put your damn shirt on, no one's making a calendar here. Oh, and be a sweetie and get me a juice, will you? Thanks so much.

Dr. Cox: As much as it may seem like it to me personally, I feel desperately compelled to remind you that we are, in fact, not in prison. And I am just so not your bitch.
Jordan: Watch your language in front of the baby.
Dr. Cox: You're gonna have to trust me on this one. Seeing as you're his mother, he's gonna hear that word early, and he's gonna hear it often. Like non-stop.

Elliot: Tonight, I am going to make all of your fantasies come true.
Paul: You know, Elliot, I would be happy just to have sex above the covers once.
Elliot: Yeah. Never gonna happen.

Dr. Cox: I need you to extubate the young fellow in 304 and start an insulin drip on Mrs. Adler for the third time this month. God bless diabetics who continue to drink. Oh, and [whistles] Lassie. In response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I've decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl's name and instead I'm gonna refer to you by whatever famous dog I can think of. I've gone with Lassie because, of course, that satisfies the criteria of being a girl and a dog's name, thus helping you ease into the transition.
J.D.: I was just running kissing drills.
Dr. Cox: Oh. That's completely normal, then.
Nurse Roberts: Don't bring that filth over here.

Dr. Cox: Carla, would you be good enough to take this young man back to his room in Pediatrics? Apparently as a form of social protest, he chewed on and subsequently swallowed part of a Rolling Stones CD. I'll tell you what, Ralphie, they sold out for good once they started doing Ford commercials, you know what I'm saying?
Ralphie: Eh.
Dr. Cox: We'll talk later.
Carla: Come on, Ralphie.
Ralphie: [points to Carla's wedding ring] I had that inside of me.
Nurse Roberts: What, now?
Carla: He's just making stuff up. Come on.
Ralphie: I swallowed that ring and my Dad had to wait for me to go Number 2. And the black doctor gave me ten bucks to keep my mouth shut. [Carla gasps]
Nurse Roberts: Mmm, good show today.

Janitor: [laughs]
Dr. Kelso: What?
Janitor: Oh, it's nothing, sir. I just thought of something funny.
Dr. Kelso: Well, maybe what you should do is saddle up your mop and head upstairs. Someone has vomited in the second, third and fifth-floor hallways.
J.D.: [chuckles] What? It's not my fault. Ralphie. Let's ride.
J.D.: Good work, buddy. Here's your 20 bucks. So you can really throw up whenever you want to?
Ralphie: Hell, yeah.
J.D.: We should probably look into that. You know, right after you blow chunks in the elevator.

Carla: I can't believe you, Bambi.
Turk: She is so right.
Elliot: What are you thinking?
Dr. Cox: Oh, Rin-Tin-Tin-Tin-Tin-Tin-Tin.
J.D.: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! And shut up! OK? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long. And you know what? Glare all you want, Big Dog, 'cause I'm not afraid of you. "Oh, no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby." That must be so hard for Dr. Look At Me. Isn't it? Look at me! And you two? You're arguing since you got engaged? You're probably the first couple to do that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? And you. You know what, let's just forget for one second that, a month ago, you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone. Because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage your relationship from the outside. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is while I'm at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing I had someone to talk to, is knowing none of you idiots realize how lucky you are. Ugh.
Nurse Roberts: Did I miss something good?