Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘My Full Moon’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Full Moon

813. My Full Moon

Aired April 1, 2009

As Turk and Elliot work a late shift at the hospital on the night of a full moon, they warn the interns that there will be plenty of trouble. Derek's ego gets a check, Katie learns you can't trust patients, Howie learns that some patients don't trust their doctor, and Sunny has to get a middle-aged woman to let rip. Meanwhile, Elliot tries to look past her first thought of anorexia when Robyn returns weighing less than before.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Mrs. Powell, when I was a kid, my mom used to tell me that farts were demons that were crawling around in your belly and if I ever let one out, it would give my grandma cancer. So, I know what you're going through. But let me tell you the real issue here. The number one killer in hospitals is infection. And since you just underwent surgery, you're very susceptible. We need to get you out of here, but we can't until you do it so It's up to you.

Rate

Quote from Turk

Elliot: See, there's a lot of things to hate about being a doctor. I mean, for starters, no women looks good in scrubs. But guys do. It's unfair. Plus, malpractice insurance, bad hours,
Turk: Yeah, but at least you guys in medicine get to figure stuff out. You know, you were like a detective with your HIV patient. Surgeons, all we do is cut and sew. Sometimes I feel like a glorified mechanic.
[fantasy: Turk, dressed in overalls, is on a rolling creeper with a pair of surgical scissors:]
Turk: Well, spleen is shot to hell. I'm gonna have to remove it. While I'm in there, I might as well get that gall bladder too. I mean, you can leave it in there but just gonna be back in a couple of months. To be honest with you, I ain't too great with those "Jap-o-nese" models.
[reality:]
Turk: I'd look good in a jumpsuit.
Elliot: If you're gonna fantasize like J.D., you have to talk like him when you come out of it.
Turk: [goofy voice] I'd look good in a jumpsuit.
Elliot: Better.

Quote from Elliot

Turk: Look at that. They have no idea what's ahead of them.
Elliot: You know, I never answered your question earlier about whether you and I would always be doctors. You will. You have this amazing ability to find joy in everything you do.
Turk: Thank you.
Elliot: Whether it's, like, an operation you've done a hundred times, or even teaching.
[flashback:]
Turk: Alright, the trick to this is to get the needle right between the ribs, okay? Watch. Like so. Nice. You wanna get it for me?
[back:]
Elliot: But as for me, I know you think it was a big victory figuring out what was wrong with Robyn. But those moments are kind of like eating a piece of chocolate. I enjoy the satisfaction for about ten seconds and then it's gone. See, the thing that sticks with me is the anguish on a patient's face when I give them crappy news. I hold on to that forever. You're a surgeon, you occasionally get to fix people. I figure out what's wrong with someone and then most of the time I can't do anything about it. I just wish them luck dealing with it or try to keep them alive for a while longer. So you wanna know if I'll always be a doctor? I'd have to say, I don't know. I'm a doctor now, I will be tomorrow. But I can't tell you that if I'm ever lucky enough to get married, to have some kids, to maybe not need the money, I think I'd walk out of here and never look back.

Quote from Turk

Turk: I'm new on-call surgical attending. I kind of signed up because J.D. was supposed to be working with me.
Elliot: I'm covering for him. He and Sam went on a trip to Dis... You know what? It's not important.
Turk: No, no. Finish your thought.
Elliot: I didn't want to tell you this. Kim had a medical conference in Anaheim. And so J.D. went and took Sam to Disneyland.
Turk: That's impossible. Because he and I swore to each other that since neither one of us has ever been to Disneyland that we would go for our 40th birthday together.
Elliot: What do you want me to say?
Turk: I want you to tell me that he's not at Disneyland right now. Can you tell me that?
Elliot: No.
Turk: You know what? Adults move on. And that's what I'm doing right now, I'm moving on. How do you want to handle tonight's workload?
Elliot: I was think-
Turk: I can't do it, Elliot! You know, I tried! I tried but it hurts too bad. It hurts me deep right here. I can feel it in my chest. That man went to Disneyland without me! They got roller coasters that roller-coaster in the dark, okay? You don't where the turns are coming from. They've got the Finding Nemo ride where you're riding 'round with Nemo. And it's a ride! A ride with Nemo!

Quote from Turk

Turk: Mrs. Powell, your gall bladder surgery went terrific. However I can't discharge you until I'm sure your pipes are working. And since you said it's impossible for you to go number two outside of your house due to the fact that you're a nervous pooer...
Elliot: I feel you, sister.
Turk: I'm gonna have to ask you to pass gas.
Mrs. Powell: Excuse me?
Turk: [blows air]
Mrs. Powell: You know I don't do that.
Turk: Women fart.
Elliot: You know, we should go.
Turk: I know they do. 'cause I have a wife and a daughter, and they both fart. And she farts and I smelt it before.
It smells like hot dogs.

Quote from Elliot

Robyn: I had to talk to that shrink for an hour. Dr. Reid, I am not anorexic.
Elliot: You've lost weight, you're anemic, your prealbumine is low. All symptoms point to it.
Robyn: Well, who are you gonna believe? Me or that stupid chart?
Elliot: Robyn, I'm a doctor. We believe everything on the charts. That's why I write "Elliot has a slammin' tushie" on every single one, see? Right here. Okay, I keep making jokes at all the wrong times, don't I?

Quote from Turk

Turk: I think the only way I got through my first year here was leaning on the people around me.
Elliot: You know how you found Carla and I found J.D.? You ever think how weird it would've been if you and I found each other?
Turk: Elliot, you're very cute. But your booty is really tiny, I don't know what I would do with that thing.
Elliot: You could start by smacking it. And secondly, if we were in a committed relationship, I'd have gained like 30 to 40 pounds for you.
Turk: Really?
Elliot: No.
Turk: Still this place could use some jungle fever. You know, the whole white doctor black surgeon thing.
[meanwhile, Denise and Derek hook-up in the on-call room]

Quote from Denise

Derek: Wait, wait. Why is this happening?
Denise: That whole pathetic, no self-esteem thing you have going on right now, I'm really vibing that. That's why I used to date fat guys.
Derek: You know, the reason why I work my body so much now is cause I was kind of a heavy kid.
Denise: How heavy?
Derek: 260.
Denise: Oh, God. [kisses Derek]

Quote from Turk

[Sunny leaves the patient's room in a hurry after a faint smile crosses Mrs. Powell's face]
Sunny: Dr. Turk, it's done.
Turk: Just me being a guy, I have to ask this question. What did it smell like?
Sunny: 30 years of repression. And hot dogs.
Turk: Good job.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Hey, Robyn. It's good to see you again. Now according to your chart, your hair has been falling out, your nails are splitting and you're fatigued. Robyn, you're a zombie. [silence] Patient also grumpy and not responding to classic comedy.
Robyn: Just a little hard to find the funny when you're 32, single and balding.
Elliot: Point taken. We're gonna figure this out, okay? And don't you worry, if you need me, I will be here all night.

Quote from Todd

Howie: No one does a Foley cath like Howie Gilder. Oh, yeah. Up high!
Todd: Okay, I'm not gonna get mad because you're new. But I'm kind of the high-fiver around here. From now on, you're only allowed to high-five when I'm not here. Are we clear five? You may hit that because I'm instigating. Now get the hell out of here.

Quote from Turk

Derek: I put that central line on Mr. Phelps for you. So next time you give me an assignment, can you make it something that's a challenge?
Turk: Okay. Next time.
Derek: Make sure you do.
Turk: That's my surgical intern. He's been here less time than everyone else and that's how he acts.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Full moon tonight, guys. Wanna know what that means? Means it's getting fricking crazy up in here! Buckle up for some nasty stuff. I'm talking nightmares that you cannot unsee. During my first full moon shift, psych patient Tony Belmont bit off his own tongue and threw it at me. We couldn't reattach the sucker so I tossed it into that very Hazmat bin. Later that night, we heard a sound coming from in there. So we open up the lid very very slowly. And inside, is Mr. Belmont holding his own tongue. Do you want to know what he said to me? He said...
[Turk jumps out of the bin with blood dripping from his mouth]
Elliot: Nailed it! Give it up!

Quote from Todd

Todd: Guys! High-fiving? I feel like I've been more than clear about this.
Elliot: It won't happen again, Todd. Promise.
Todd: You're my friends, so I hope not.
Turk: I'm sorry five?
Todd: [high fives Turk] Still.
Elliot: Still.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Okay guys, full moon is upon us. It's only 8:30, we already have ten new admissions so let's stay sharp.
Turk: Remember, nights like this are why you got into medicine. Sunny, I'm gonna need you to get that lady in bed six to fart.
Sunny: I'm on it.
Howie: Why don't you just pull her finger?
Elliot: Howie, did you just make a joke?
Howie: I did and it felt great.
Elliot: Good for you. And as a reward, you get the gentleman in bed three. He poisoned himself. We need to know what he took. Go.
Howie: Gone.

Quote from Elliot

Denise: My pneumonia patient is presenting with a crap load of fluid in her left lung.
Elliot: Crap load really isn't a technical term.
Denise: Fine. Bucket load.
Turk: Is she being sassy? Because I love it.
Elliot: More than Space Mountain?
Turk: Why, Elliot? I just forgot about it.

Quote from Denise

Turk: Derek, can you get Denise's patient a thoracentesis and get that fluid out of there?
Derek: Surgery to the rescue. [clicks tongue at Denise] You are welcome.
Denise: Oh, that's adorable. You have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful. The guy you're in love with is a douche.

Quote from Turk

Katie: I've been doing post-op on your hand surgery patient Mr. Gold. He says he can't feel anything in his arms from his elbows up. Now, I've been doing research for hours, and I think it's either a radiculopathy or a brachial plexus injury. Or...
[later, Turk pinches the patient's upper-arm:]
Turk: He's lying. Patients do that. Katie, a word please? Look, the man is homeless and not all there. You see his bandages? It means he's been chewing out his sutures. I'm probably gonna have to strap him down.
Katie: I can find another way to make him stop.
Turk: Suit yourself. If he messes up my handiwork, it's on you.

Quote from J.D.

Sunny: Mrs. Powell, it's not your fault you don't want to pass gas. It's society's. Guys have always been allowed to do it. There's no shame for them. But if a girl lets out even a little squeeker, she's a freak. So come on, for women everywhere, let's do it together on the count of three. One, two, three. You didn't do it.
Mrs. Powell: Neither did you.
Sunny: There's people around.

Quote from J.D.

Howie: Hey Mr. Swick, I'm Dr. Gilder. Wait, I'm gonna grab a chart that doesn't say "Elliot has slammin' tushie" on it. [exits; returns] Much better. And now, Mr. Swick... This one's got it too.
Mr. Swick: Is her butt that nice?
Howie: It's okay for a white chick. Anyway, I want you to tell me how you poisoned yourself.
Mr. Swick: I can't.
Howie: Why not?
Mr. Swick: Because you're not my doctor. You may sound like him and you look exactly like him. But you're not him.

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode