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‘My Own Private Practice Guy’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Own Private Practice Guy

217. My Own Private Practice Guy

Aired March 13, 2003

J.D. is excited to work with a smooth private practice doctor, Dr. Pete Fisher (guest star Jay Mohr), until he learns that he used to be Dr. Cox's protege. Meanwhile, Turk is upset after Dr. Kelso stops him playing basketball outside the hospital, and Carla doesn't feel so attractive lately.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, buddy. I was just thinking about you. Yeah, I was thinking how it might be real nice to have somebody around here who could help me out. You know, somebody I could call, gosh, my resident, and we'd do stuff together. You know, medical stuff. And it would just be peaches. But then it occurred to me a guy who looked a hell of lot like you used to be that guy. Monica, just because you have a new buddy doesn't mean you can all of a sudden drop all of your regular duties and I know I just said "drop your duties." And so help me God, if you even smile I will crush you into two little Newbie cubes and hang you from my rearview mirror. What you gotta say for yourself? Just do it.
J.D.: I'm sorry, did you say something?
[fantasy: Dr. Pete Fisher appears in the corner of the screen:]
Pete: Welcome to today's lecture: the Biomechanical Reaction Of Dr. Perry Cox When He's Not Being Listened To. Stage one: The Jaw Clench. Grrr. Quickly followed by stage two: Syllable Elongation.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I re-hee-hee-ly don't have time to repeat myself.
Pete: Finally, stage three, Dr. Cox begrudgingly offers a little respect, but then distances himself by overusing the word "there."
Dr. Cox: But I gotta give it to you there for yanking my chain there. There.
Pete: The young soldier is offered a prize for his courage. [walks into the scene] Get ready.
[reality:]
Dr. Cox: I'll tell you what there, Newbie. If you wanna stick around and help me out with Mrs. Riley's pericardiocentisis after work, that'd be great.

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Quote from Janitor

J.D.: I want you to tell her the truth, damn it. Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being. Who's that?
Janitor: It's my son.
Elliot: Oh, my God, J.D.
J.D.: I'm sorry, I didn't even see him there.
Janitor: No, no, no. I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.
J.D.: I'm so sorry. [exits]
Janitor: [to the boy] Who the hell are you? Go on. Beat it. Scram! All right, stick around.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: I know it was you.
Turk: You mean this right here? This is mine from home.
Dr. Kelso: 40 million, son. Do you have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high score? People died.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, you've been avoiding Dr. Cox ever since Jordan told you her baby was actually his, but this chance meeting is a sign. It's time to let go of the secret. You just need to find a smooth way in.
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox. Taking a whizz?
Dr. Cox: We've been over this before, Newbie. Eyes front, no talking.
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, fine, I'll just read the wall.
J.D.: "J.D. has a tiny pickle."
Dr. Cox: Kudos for honesty there, Newbie, but again no talking.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: You know what? Some stereotypes are true, Turk, OK. And just maybe, black people are a little better at basketball. What do you say?
[fantasy: Nurse Roberts shows off mad basketball skills]
Turk: Maybe a little.
Nurse Roberts: Y'all got hockey.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: Why do you think they got divorced?
Elliot: Ugh, I have no idea. I just can't believe you had to pee in front of Jordan. I could not do that. I mean, Paul's my boyfriend and I make him turn the volume on the TV way up when I go. Plus, he's not allowed in the apartment an hour before or after I do twosies.
J.D.: Elliot, you're a doctor. Stop calling it twosies.
Elliot: Oh, with patients I say dookie.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: This is Mrs. Grayson's chart. Her private-practice doctor just showed up so I am off this one.
J.D.: Well, is there anything I need to do for her lung nodule?
Dr. Cox: I don't know, what do you say start her on 20 CCs of "it's not my problem anymore?"

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Hey, ladies.
J.D.: Oh, you two must already know each other.
Pete: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Petey.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes when you're in an awkward situation, it's best to go to your happy place.
[fantasy: Jay Leno hosting The Tonight Show:]
Jay Leno: Well, it's not uncommon. A lot of people keep plants in their apartment. Right, J.D.?
J.D.: [as band leader] Oh, Jay, you're so crazy. [guitar screeching]

Quote from J.D.

Pete: I think he's mad because I went into private practice and he's stuck in this hellhole. You wouldn't believe this, but that guy was my mentor, man. I lived and breathed for that guy's approval.
J.D.: That's lame.
Pete: I know, but once you learn his tricks, it's easier, you see.
J.D.: Tell me about it.
Pete: Yeah.
J.D.: No, I'm serious. Tell me about it.
Pete: Oh. Oh. Well, you know when he gets on his rants, he gets all hyped up, his veins stick out of his neck and he starts yelling at you? When he's done, just look at him, stare him in the eye and say, "I'm sorry, what were you saying?" I don't know why, but it works. Trust me.
J.D.: No, I do. Now, how do you get him to stop calling you girls' names?
Pete: Girls' names?
J.D.: Oh, never mind.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I knew this was his way of reaching out, but still I have plans tonight.
Dr. Cox: Oh, what plans?
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, think of something believable. Grandma died. No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. Because if she does die, you'll feel awful and, let's face it, she's no spring chicken. I should call her. But when we talk, I have nothing to say. How about asking me how I am for once?
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Newbie.
J.D.: My grandma died.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Had to be done.
Pete: OK, terrific. Grown-ups tackle each other all the time. Look, I can't change what already happened. But believe me, I never meant to come between you and anyone.
J.D.: [v.o.] Watching Dr. Cox and Pete fight over me was... Oh, hell, I'll say it. It was awesome.
Dr. Cox: You went ahead and took something that did not belong to you.
J.D.: [v.o.] That seemed a little possessive, but I'm flattered.
Dr. Cox: Worse than that, you did it knowing full well exactly how I felt about her.
J.D.: [v.o.] Ah, he just wouldn't be Dr. Cox if he didn't refer to me as a her.
Pete: Hey, for what it's worth, I didn't make the first move.
J.D.: That's a lie. You bought me a latte. Hey, guys.

Quote from Todd

Carla: I'm hideous. I can't even get Todd to make a sex joke. Watch this. Hey, Todd, I'm all out of extra-long tongue depressors. Do you happen to have one for me?
Todd: Sorry, Carla, I'm all out.
Elliot: How did he not say, "In my pants?"
Carla: Oh, God. I don't know what is so different about me since I got engaged? [takes ring off]
Todd: Wait. I found one. It's not made of wood, but give me a minute. [Carla puts ring on] Hey, have you checked Mr. Oberman for hypertension? [off] Because I've got hypertension right here.
Elliot: No way.
Todd: [ring off] Boobies. [ring on] Charts.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I have to tell you something.
Jordan: Aw, Perry, you pee standing up at work? That is so cute. Would you come on? We're on a very tight schedule.
Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, with all the baby weight you haven't lost yet, I just went ahead and assumed you'd be used to tight things by now.
Jordan: Aw, that's lovely. [to J.D.] Well, hello, sailor.
J.D.: Ahoy.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my goodness, Newbie, are you so uncomfortable with Jordan here that you've in fact, stopped peeing mid-stream?
J.D.: I may have.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Well, Maggie, now I can only assume you are wiling away the morning cat-chatting with your favorite gal pal because you have already finished your pre-rounding.
J.D.: Haven't started yet.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: Gotcha. Already finished.
Dr. Cox: That's a good one, Newbie. My heart is racing. You are quite the prankster.
J.D.: I could tell some stories.
Dr. Cox: If there's a God in heaven, you never will.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Great. Another pretentious private-practice guy who's going to order me around while he counts his money all day.
Pete: Hey, you must be J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] He knows my name.
Pete: I'm Dr. Fisher, I go by Pete. Never call me Petey, we'll be friends for life. Hey, look at this. Don't believe me? I already got you a latte, buddy.
J.D.: Thanks. A latte.
Pete: That's funny. We got a good one, Sally.
J.D.: [v.o.] How's that funny? Ah, just go with it.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You know, I'm always pull pranks, too. Before, Dr. Cox was like, "Did you do pre-rounding?"
Pete: You know what, sorry to interrupt. I do wanna hear that story. Could you get a pulmonary consult for Sally for me?
J.D.: Yeah.
Pete: You're probably thinking why didn't you do that before I got here, but you were probably thinking would it overstep your boundaries? What if I was a territorial ass with a giant ego or a territorial ego with a giant ass? Stop me, Sally, please! And you're gonna help me. I need you to help me get Sally out of bed, That way, I can go back to trying to get her into bed.
Sally: Stop!
Pete: You stop, foxy lady. You're doing great. And from now on, follow your instincts. And you, don't flirt so much.
Sally: Wanna make him jealous?
J.D.: No. Thanks a latte. Thanks a lot. Thanks a latte. I got it!

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: [v.o.] At a hospital, there's always one sure way to deal with boredom.
J.D.: You guys wanna go laugh at the narcoleptic guy?
J.D.: [v.o.] I know it sounds insensitive, but let's face it, narcolepsy is a funny condition. And it can be triggered by a number of things. Like stress. Or anger from, say, three double bogies in a row. Or, in Mr. Hilliard's case...
Turk: Sexual arousal?
Elliot: I'm going in.
Nurse Roberts: Is falling asleep after sex considered narcolepsy, 'cause if it is, Mr. Roberts has got it.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I have a boyfriend. Work is going well. I actually feel cute for the first time in my life. My self-esteem cannot be touched.
Carla: It's been so weird since I got engaged.
Elliot: Oh, you're right, I'll never get married. Message received.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Elliot, this is about me.
Elliot: Really? Oh, OK.
Carla: Yeah, it's like I don't feel attractive at all lately, like I've lost my spark or something.
Elliot: Please. Remember what Kelso said about your hair yesterday?
[flashback:]
Dr. Kelso: It makes you look frumpy.
[present:]
Elliot: I thought he said clumpy.
Carla: How is that better? You don't know.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Morning, boys.
Turk: Sir, this is where we play.
Dr. Kelso: Funny, I thought this was where we worked.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I have a low anterior resection this afternoon and I'd really like to exercise in order to be at my best.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I'd really like to have grandkids someday, but the last five Christmases, my son has brought his roommate Brad home, so you tell me whether life is fair.

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