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37Quotes from ‘My Nickname’

Scrubs: My Nickname

110. My Nickname

Aired November 27, 2001

As J.D. grows more confident as a doctor, his relationship with Carla begins to change. Elliot treats a patient, Jill Tracy (guest star Nicole Sullivan) who's as hyper and neurotic as she is. Meanwhile, The Janitor comes up with a new nickname for J.D.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Ms. Tracy, we're going to go ahead-
Jill Tracy: Can you give me one sec? I'm on the zone, trying to arrange to have the food delivered here. Fatty had a party and nobody came.
Elliot: Preaching to the choir.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there until that night junior year when you were feeling a little down about yourself, and your pal, Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes. And bad-ow! Woo-hoo-hoo, it was gone for ever. Just like my patience is now.
Jill Tracy: So you do scary little speeches? How adorable!
Elliot: This is so much fun.
Dr. Cox: Careful, Rapunzel. Fun time is officially over.

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Quote from Carla

Carla: You know, I was only gonna go to that stupid exhibit because I wanted you to think I was brainy or something. I'm so angry at myself.
J.D.: Oh, thank goodness. Because I thought you were mad at me.
Carla: I've had hundreds of interns decide that they don't need me any more. Why should...? You see, this is why you can't be friends with doctors.
J.D.: Carla, if it's a problem, you, me, Elliot and Turk will get together...
Carla: I don't work with Turk and I'm not close to Elliot. The only problem here is you, okay? We're supposed to be friends. Your self-esteem is so wrapped up in what you do. You're a doctor. That's all you are. That's how you define yourself. And you think you're better than me because of it.
J.D.: Carla, I do not think-
Carla: Admit it. Admit it right now or I'll never respect you again.
J.D.: Okay. Sometimes that's true. Carla, you're a good nurse.
Carla: I'm a great nurse, you patronizing ass. You don't even get it, do you? In nine years, I never once felt bad about myself for what I do, not for one second. And then I met you.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [groaning]
Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: And there you are.
Elliot: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: I was just now wondering if there's anything that could push my headache into a full-blown migraine.
And there you are.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, it's time to change this pattern.
J.D.: Morning.
Janitor: How do you figure?
J.D.: Doing a little drilling, huh? Look, I have an idea. Let's try and go the whole day without getting in each other's hair. You know, just give each other a break? What do you say?
Janitor: I'm gonna give you a nickname.
J.D.: That's good, but you know I already have a nickname. It's J.D.
Janitor: How about Whinyface? Whinybritches? Whinysomething. I definitely like whiny. Whinydancer.

Quote from Carla

Turk: Baby, J.D. is my best friend, but if you need me to kick his ass, I will kick his ass, because I care for you.
Carla: And 'cause I'm willing to sleep with you.
Turk: Hell, yeah. [laughs]
Carla: Well, sweetie, you know if I wanted his ass kicked I'd do it myself. [Todd growls] Todd, if you ever make that horny cat noise at me again, I will reach into your mouth and unscrew that seven-watt-bulb that barely keeps your brain open for business.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Is my punishment still coming or is it just the horrible staring because the anticipation is killing me?
Dr. Cox: Make your case.
Elliot: I'm sorry, what?
Dr. Cox: Well, you tell me why Chorey McCrazy Chore gets to stay here two more nights.
Elliot: OK. You don't understand how hard it is for some women to make on their own nowadays. I mean, Jill is so exhausted and it's not going to get any easier because she's her own worst enemy, you know? She's constantly trying to please. She judges herself harsher than anyone.
Dr. Cox: Have you actually seen what you look like today?
Elliot: I know, I'm a skank.
Elliot: And she never says no to anyone, so...
Dr. Cox: Could you swing by my apartment after work and pick up a sample of my dog's stool and take it to the vet for me?
Elliot: I can do it at lunch. ... Oh.
Dr. Cox: It's OK. Jill can stay a little longer. And if we're real lucky, she'll realize that it's OK to give yourself a break every once in a while, right?
Elliot: Yeah.

Quote from Carla

Turk: So Cox tore into you, huh?
J.D.: You know what pisses me off? No one ever calls him on anything, you know.
[meanwhile:]
Carla: You want to kick and scream while you're teaching people here, that's fine, but if you ever yell at my friend again over nothing, then I will personally wipe that scary smile off your face, put it in my purse and keep it there until no one around here is any more scared of you than I am.
[back:]
J.D.: It's not fair.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Hey, what are you doing?
Turk: Reading a book about how to tell my roommate he drives me crazy sometimes without hurting his feelings.
J.D.: I think sarcasm works better when it's shorter.
Turk: Fascinating.
J.D.: Yeah, see, there you go. So what're you doing?
Turk: You realize you're annoying me?
J.D.: Yeah, I'm OK with it.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's hard for doctors and nurses to be long-term friends.
Carla: His O2-sat's dropping. I think he just needs respiratory treatment.
J.D.: [v.o.] You see, when you start out, the nurses know more than you. But after a few months, the training kicks in and you both feel the dynamic shift.
J.D.: Actually, Carla, I think because of the congestive heart failure, he just needs Lasix.
[fantasy: time pauses around J.D. and Carla]
J.D.: [v.o.] The future of the relationship depends on how she handles that very moment.
Carla: I'm so proud of you, Bambi. [time starts] They grow up so fast.

Quote from Jill Tracy

Jill Tracy: [on the phone] I don't care if it wasn't good first-date conversation, Michael deserved to know what I think about circumcising babies. I mean, over my dead body. What? Actually, no. No, it wasn't, which is surprising because he's Jewish.
Elliot: [to Dr. Cox] I gave her two Valium.
Jill Tracy: Okay, I'm e-mailing you as we're talking. How cool is that?
Dr. Cox: So she's actually sedated as we speak?
Elliot: Uh-huh.

Quote from Jill Tracy

Jill Tracy: Hey, Elliot. OK, first impressions. Did I scare Michael off?
Elliot: No.
Dr. Cox: No, not if he enjoys a big fat cup of crazy. Ms. Tracy, we're all extremely busy, so if we could get down to business-
Elliot: Oh, my God. I have the exact same e-maily-pagey thingy.
Jill Tracy: Get out!
[As Elliot and Jill get excited talking about their handhelds, a frustrated Dr. Cox leaves the room]

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Hey, from now on, your name is Scooter.
J.D.: I don't get it.
Janitor: Short for scooter pie. I hate scooter pies.
J.D.: Oh, now I see. [v.o.] You big jerk.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Interesting titbit. Back during the gold rush when a man staked a claim, if he came upon another man panning his spot, why he could just shoot that fella dead without even asking any questions.
Turk: You don't say.
Dr. Kelso: Simpler times.

Quote from Jill Tracy

Jill Tracy: Okay, what if you've had three great dates and he likes you so much he hasn't even tried to have sex with you yet?
Elliot: Oh, I could sabotage that relationship in two phone calls.
Jill Tracy: I could do it in one.
Elliot: Jill, sabotage that relationship.
Jill Tracy: For starters, I would ask him why he finds me so repulsive. Then, I would coerce him into having phone sex with me, after which I would ask him if he thinks we have a future, and then I'd probably just cry until he hung up on me.

Quote from Todd

Todd: What up, T-Dog?
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, the only way to avoid the high five with Todd is not to say anything that he can connect to sex.
Todd: How you doing?
[J.D. gives Todd a so-so hand gesture]
Todd: Dude, that's totally how my car was rocking when I took this girl out last night. [squeaks] Am I right?
J.D.: [v.o.] Ah, he earned it.
[Todd and J.D. high-five]
J.D.: Pain.

Quote from Todd

Turk: I'm not afraid of Kelso. I just felt like eating in here.
J.D.: Go outside and stand up for yourself.
Turk: Hell, yeah. [exits]
Todd: You know what else stands up for itself?
J.D.: You know, Todd, I'm not sure. But I'm going to guess that it's your penis.
Todd: It is.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Everyone, we can all relax now. The planets have been realigned and order shall be returned to the people. Hey, you.
Elliot: Give me two seconds. I gotta finish e-mailing Jill.
Dr. Cox: I have right here your little friend's test results. Shall we have some fun and take a look? Hmm, interesting. EKG, negative. Tilt table, negative. Echo, negative. Nyet, nada, zilch. Nothing, in fact, is wrong with her but exhaustion, most likely brought on by, oh, let it come... being her.
Elliot: Yeah, but if you don't-
Dr. Cox: No, no, no. There's no time for "Yeah, buts". I want her punted out of here in the next five minutes or you will personally be responsible for covering every missed shift during this year's flu season. Now go. Now go. Now go.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [whistles] Hey, you. For what it's worth, I don't care if your beeper plays "Who let the dogs out? Hoof, hoof" as many times as you like.
J.D.: Actually, sir, it's "who, who". But thank you. That's great.
Dr. Cox: Oh, sure. And, Ginger, by the way, just a real smooth move running to your mommy.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Yeah. Your mommy cr-rushed me. She did. Uh, I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. F.Y.l.: J.D.'s mommy has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want her daughter picked on any more. Nothing mean. She's a precious flower and we should all be super nice to her.


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