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32Quotes from ‘My Old Lady’

Scrubs: My Old Lady

104. My Old Lady

Aired October 16, 2001

J.D. treats an elderly woman who says she's ready to die, Carla helps Elliot treat a woman who doesn't speak English, and Turk bonds with a young patient.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: What now, Dr. Barbie?
Elliot: Mrs. Guerrero is a forty-year-old lupus patient who presented with a shortness of breath so I started her on a heparin drip and ordered a VQ scan. I just wanted to run that by you.
Dr. Cox: One. Two. Three.
Elliot: So, shall I continue with heparin-
Dr. Cox: It's really important that you let me get to ten.
Elliot: I just thought-
Dr. Cox: Listen, cookie. You've been here over a month. This is Medicine 101. I don't want everything little run by me. I don't wanna give my two cents' worth. But if you ever do want to know my opinion, rest assured it will always be that you're an incredible pain and every time I see your Kewpie-Doll face it just makes me want to pick you up and shake you until all the hours of my life that you've wasted fall out. Now laugh.
Elliot: What?
Dr. Cox: Laugh so that she doesn't think I'm yelling at you. [all laugh]
Carla: Oh, how fun was that?

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Quote from J.D.

Mrs. Tanner: Listen, Dr. Dorian, there is not one thing I regret as I lay here right now. I'm ready. I really am.
J.D.: You have had an amazing life.
Mrs. Tanner: Good. Now we agree. Aren't there other patients you need to be seeing?
J.D.: Me? No, I've been off for two hours.
Mrs. Tanner: So with your precious free time, you've been sitting in a hospital room talking to an old lady. What about your list? How many of these things have you done? For that matter, how many times have you sat on the grass and done nothing, hmm? You need to start taking some time for yourself, young man. Promise me you'll do that.
J.D.: I will.
Mrs. Tanner: Good. Now, get outta here. Go on.

Quote from J.D.

Mrs. Tanner: You're gonna have to shut your mouth at some point. Sweetie, I'm 74 years old. I'm ready to go.
J.D.: Yeah, but with dialysis you could live another 80 or 90 years.
Mrs. Tanner: I think you're being a little irrational.
J.D.: No, I'm not.
Mrs. Tanner: Everybody dies some time.
J.D.: No, they don't.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [mouths] I'm going to kill you.
J.D.: [silently] What?
Janitor: [gestures and mouths] I'm going to kill you.
J.D.: Why?
Janitor: [shrugs]

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: So, she doesn't want dialysis?
J.D.: But what does that mean?
Dr. Cox: Well, if she declines dialysis, then there is no ethical dilemma.
J.D.: But what about our duty to do everything in our power to help-
Dr. Cox: [pretends to cry] "What about our duty as doctors?" Look, this has nothing to do with the patient. This is all about you. You are afraid of death. And you can't be. You're in medicine. You gotta accept that everything we do here, everything, is a stall. We're just trying to keep the game going, that's it. But, ultimately, it always ends up the same way.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: So, that's basically it. Your kidneys aren't responding to medication any more. We're gonna have to start you on dialysis.
Mrs. Tanner: I'm not a big fan of dialysis.
J.D.: We don't really have a choice.
Mrs. Tanner: Well, actually, I do have a choice.
J.D.: [v.o.] Certain things you never expect people to say.
Mrs. Tanner: I think I'm ready to die.
[fantasy:]
Delivery Driver: I've got a ton of bricks for Dr. Dorian.
[a heap of bricks fall on J.D.'s head]
Delivery Driver: Can I get that pen back?

Quote from Carla

Elliot: I increased the heparin to 1,500 units per hour. Does that sound like enough?
Carla: Should be.
Elliot: Speaking of heparin, have you slept with Turk yet?
Carla: What?!
Elliot: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Too personal.
Carla: I like to wait. I like a guy to want it so bad he thinks he isn't gonna get it ever. Then, when he's lost the will to live, that's when I jump him.
Elliot: So how long does that take?
Carla: A month, maybe two.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Come on, Carla's your girlfriend, Elliot's my friend.
Turk: Dude, trust me. Don't get involved.
Carla: She's from El Barrio, she must not like music.
Elliot: All I'm saying is, classical music isn't for everyone.
Carla: Oh, so because I didn't grow up with a nanny changing my Vera Wang-diapers...
J.D.: [sighs]
Carla: You got something to say?
J.D.: Well, yes, frankly. I think you're being condescending and you're being overly sensitive.
[Carla and Elliot start yelling at J.D.]
J.D.: Excuse me for a second, just one second.
[fantasy: J.D. rewinds time to before he intervened]
Carla: She's from El Barrio, she must not like music.
Elliot: All I'm saying is, classical music isn't for everyone.
Carla: Oh, so because I didn't grow up with a nanny changing my Vera Wang-diapers...
J.D.: [sighs]
Carla: You got something to say?
J.D.: [v.o.] Nope. Not this time.
J.D.: Well, yes. Frankly, I think you're being condescending and you're being overly sensitive. [Carla and Elliot start yelling at J.D.] Dammit!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Here's something that's kind of surprising. On my first day, my resident told me, if you don't count the maternity ward, which is mostly well, you know, or the emergency room, which is mostly broken bones, stitches, that sort of thing, he said that one out of every three patients that's admitted to this place will die here.
[montage:]
J.D.: Hi, I'm gonna be your doctor.
Elliot: Hi, I'm gonna be your doctor.
Turk: Hi, I'm gonna be your doctor.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hello, I'm the doctor. I'm... I'm the doctor.
Tommy Tanner: What are you, 16?
Gina Tanner: Oh, this is unacceptable.
Tommy Tanner: What, did you have, like, coupons for this hospital?
Mrs. Tanner: That's enough! Now, sure, he's young but he's probably a very good doctor. Are you a good doctor?
J.D.: Kinda too soon to tell.
Mrs. Tanner: Honesty, I like that.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: I admitted this really neat old lady today.
Turk: Neat? Dude, the 1930s called and they want their lingo back.
J.D.: We had this connection, you know?
Turk: No, I don't know. Now please, let me get my sweat on.
J.D.: [v.o.] Surgeons generally don't like to get too close to patients. Maybe it makes it harder to cut someone open, or too risky. I don't know.
J.D.: I feel like you're missing out. Like, this Mrs. Tanner, she's got this incredible energy and warmth.
Turk: Dude, the League of Women Voters called wanting to know where to send your membership.
J.D.: You're using that "somebody called" joke a lot.

Quote from Turk

Turk: I've got a hernia patient to take care of.
J.D.: What's his name?
Turk: Well, his name's Hernia Patient. But we've gotten close so I call him Hernia.
J.D.: He must feel so safe and taken care of.
Turk: Shut up.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Dr. Kelso. Hi. I want to get your opinion on a patient? She's a 74-year-old renal failure, Mrs. Tanner.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, of course. One of our frequent flyers. She's a neat lady.
J.D.: That's what I said.
Dr. Kelso: Nobody likes a brown nose, son.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: You put her on diuretics?
J.D.: Yeah, I ordered them.
Dr. Kelso: These labs don't look good. I think it's time she got started on dialysis. Oh, but you know what you should do first, kiddo?
J.D.: What's that?
Dr. Cox: Find her.
[fantasy: a siren wails as a security guard and a dog scour a perimiter fence. Mrs. Tanner emerges from a hole in the ground on the other side of the fence. She unfolds her walker and climbs out.]
Mrs. Tanner: Freedom!

Quote from Elliot

Carla: What about you?
Elliot: I like to use sex as an ice-breaker.
Carla: Ah, and how's that working out for you?
Elliot: I guess I don't have what you would call high self-esteem.

Quote from Turk

Dr. Wen: Let me know when you find the hernia.
Turk: You got it.
Surgical Intern: We're so lost.
Turk: We are not lost.
Surgical Intern: Go left here.
Turk: It's right.
Surgical Intern: You passed his Cooper's ligament three times already. Just stop and ask for directions.
Turk: You wanna drive this thing? 'cause I will pull... I will pull this thing over and let you drive this thing.

Quote from J.D.

[fantasy: J.D. playing Connect-Four with the grim reaper:]
Grim Reaper: I win.
J.D.: Where? I don't see.
Grim Reaper: Here, diagonally.
J.D.: Pretty sneaky, Death.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You didn't tell them, did you?
Mrs. Tanner: It didn't come up. Look, they don't need that burden. Besides, and they'd just give me a bunch of reasons to change my mind.
J.D.: Speaking of which, I took the liberty of jotting down a few things I think everybody should do at least once in their life. OK, number one: eat a sausage and pepper hoagie from Enrico's.
Mrs. Tanner: I've done that.
J.D.: Number two: go to Asia.
Mrs. Tanner: [speaks Japanese]
J.D.: I'm going to take that as a yes. And I'll also check off "learn a foreign language".

Quote from Elliot

Carla: What the hell happened to "I'll be right back"? I can't believe I actually started to think I'd been wrong about you. That woman needs her doctor to tell her something, anything, and you run away? Are you even gonna look at me?
Elliot: I've been deciding what drink to get. I've been standing here trying to choose between cherry soda and ginger ale, and you know what? It's a toss-up. I mean, either way I get a cold drink, right? And it would be impossible for me to kill someone with this decision but I still can't make it. I think I'm in trouble here.
Carla: Look... I don't think these kinds of decisions are easy for anyone. And if it's any consolation, one of the reasons I never liked you is you're already better than most of the doctors that come through here. And to be honest, I kinda liked being the only smart, strong chick in the joint.
Elliot: You sort of just complimented me.
Carla: A little bit.
Elliot: OK, I'm gonna have a ginger ale.
Carla: Good start.
Elliot: That clot isn't going anywhere on its own, so let's push the thrombolytics.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Mrs. Tanner: Done.
J.D.: Fine. Go to the top of the Meiffel Tower.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, now you're making stuff up.
J.D.: No, I'm not. It's right here. You can look at it.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] So they say that one out of every three patients admitted to this place will die here. But some days, the odds are worse than that.
J.D., Elliot & Turk: I'm really sorry.
J.D.: [v.o.] And on days like that, I guess the best thing you can hope for is that you took something from it.
Turk: [to a patient] Hey, I'm Turk.
J.D.: [v.o.] Anything.
Elliot: BP's 120 over 80. Let's keep it that way.
J.D.: [v.o.] Anything at all. Even if it's just taking the time to lie on the grass and think about all the things you still have left to do.


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