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32Quotes from ‘My Last Day’

Scrubs: My Last Day

124. My Last Day

Aired May 21, 2002

On their last day as interns, J.D., Turk and Elliot aim to show they're not jaded by the experience of their first year by going to bat for a patient.

Quote from Jordan

Elliot: He doesn't have insurance, so if you could talk to the other members of board today at the meeting, J.D. thought maybe-
Jordan: J.D. thought? First he dumps that patient on you, and now he wants you to ask me a favor? Honey, if you don't start saying no to him soon, you're gonna wind up on the losing end of a little game I like to call Hide The Pickle.
Elliot: Oh, J.D. and I are just colleagues.
Jordan: Oh, my God. I was just joking, but you actually slept with him, didn't you?
Elliot: [scoffs] A little.
Jordan: Look, I don't know where your mother was when she should have been telling you these things, but you cannot have sex with someone you care about. Sex is for making babies and revenge.

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Quote from Jordan

J.D.: Oh, Ms. Sullivan, thank you for helping us with Mr. Bober.
Jordan: Oh, don't mention it. And even though I wasn't invited to your little party, I brought presents for everyone.
Dr. Cox: Brace yourself there, Newbie.
Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend. He knows. He and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her. Perhaps you're afraid of something. Huh. And, Bob, when are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for was filled months ago? It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your "colleague" Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna do it for you, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah. And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protege here.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, please, God, no.
Jordan: I slept with him, and it was good. Oh, how's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yup. One big happy family.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Oh, you're so full of it.
Jordan: Listen, stick, if you wanna wipe your nose and pretend that was a sneeze, I will play along. But if you have something to say, say it.
Elliot: Everybody knows you're sleeping with Dr. Cox, and it can't be about making babies, because you'd probably just end up eating them anyway. And as for revenge, I'm just not sure that driving to his apartment and pleasuring him while he watches SportsCenter's hurting him as much as you think. So I have to figure you still care about him whether you admit it or not. And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle. [blows whistle]
Todd: [elevator opens] Kiss her.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Since I was a kid, I've been able to sleep through anything. Storms, sirens, you name it. Last night I didn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about this past year.
[fantasy: J.D. starts seeing his colleagues in his bathroom mirror:]
Elliot: Oh, please. I've seen you naked before.
Todd: Dude, you had that? Five up high for cherry pie!
Dr. Kelso: You find it funny, Dr. Dorian? Why don't you tell me the EKG findings of Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome?
J.D.: I haven't even showered yet.

Quote from J.D.

[fantasy: J.D. sees people from the hospital in his bathroom mirror:]
Jordan: We could shower together for old time's sake.
J.D.: You know, I never would've slept with you if you'd told me you were Dr. Cox's ex-wife.
Dr. Cox: What was that, Newbie?
Jordan: Relax. He doesn't know.
J.D.: He likes Carla anyway.
Turk: I got Carla wrapped around my finger.
J.D.: I heard that!
Carla: What are you guys talking about?
J.D.: Nothing.
Turk: Thank you.
J.D.: Forget about it.

Quote from J.D.

[fantasy: J.D. sees people from the hospital in his bathroom mirror:]
Jordan: No, no, no. You can't forget about these.
Nurse Roberts: I'd pull those hands back if you wanna keep 'em, Q-tip.
Ted: That's just the kind of thing that can be construed as sexual harassment. Got a few hairs in the sink, there, huh? For God's sake, man, don't comb so hard.
J.D.: All right, enough is enough!
Janitor: [in the shower] I guess I don't fit in with your mirror friends. [takes shower head] Enjoy.
J.D.: [v.o.] I don't know why my mind is all over the place. Maybe it's because today isn't just any other day. It's my last day as an intern.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: I thought if you looked at Mr. Bober's chart and agreed, you might be able to pull some strings or...
J.D.: [v.o.] And now, here it comes: The calling me a girl's name, the telling me not to waste my time...
Dr. Cox: Yep. I'll be more than glad to help you there, Charlotte.
J.D.: [v.o.] I was half right.
J.D.: Well, thank you.
Dr. Cox: Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that. The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's... It's why I trust you as a person.
J.D.: Are you dying?
Dr. Cox: I've got a new shrink.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: What?
Intern: It's my first day. I'm waiting for someone.
Janitor: This door is broke. Every fifth time or so, it don't open.
Intern: Maybe there's a paper clip stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a paper clip?
Intern: I was just making small talk.
Janitor: Did you put a paper clip in there?
Intern: No.
Janitor: If I find a paper clip you're goin' down.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Ah, just say it.
J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, I want to thank you for this whole year.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no, no, no.
J.D.: And I just want to know if I can buy you dinner.
Dr. Cox: That'd be terrific.
J.D.: Great! I'm off in a half hour-
Dr. Cox: Oh, no! Here I was led to believe that you were doing a gift certificate kind of thing. But to sit and eat with you? That's... That's just... That's crazy talk. I have half a mind to issue you a drug test.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: So, Mr. Bober has been complaining of abdominal pain and nausea. Looks like cholecystitis.
Dr. Cox: Oh, what the hell, Newbie? This gentleman is suffering from an inflamed gallbladder and you actually have him eating a grilled cheese sandwich. Here's an idea. Why don't we just have him wash the whole thing down with a big ol' mug of vodka? Mr. Bober back there is one of our frequent flyers. He's been with us every six months for the last two years and I've rather grown fond of him. So if you could somehow manage to not kill him, well, then, oh, gee, that would just be ducky.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Hey, so how come you haven't mentioned it's my last day as an intern?
Dr. Cox: Haven't I? Come here.
J.D.: Oh! OK. OK.
Dr. Cox: Despite the fact that when you wake up tomorrow morning you will be a resident, you'll still be the same excitable little girl that you are now. The only difference will be that some new intern will probably mistake you for somebody who actually knows something.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Jordan. To what do we owe the horror?
Jordan: Oh, come on, Perry. No soft spot for the one woman who slept with you sober? Now, if you could sign this insurance physical, I'll go back to trying to forget that horrible, horrible night.
Dr. Cox: For me to sign this, I would actually have to give you a physical. And when I say "I," I, of course, mean absolutely anybody but me. Barbie! Give my ex-wife here a physical, and don't be afraid of that third eye on her chest. Just remember, it's just as scared of you as you are of it.
Elliot: Let's get physical?
Jordan: Ugh.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: We were talking about our relationship and how great everything is going. And all I said was, "It's weird to think I'll never date again."
Turk: Oh, that's close, honey, but not quite what you said. See, what you said was, "It's weird to think I'll never get to date again." You see that? "Get to date again", like she's missing out. How messed up is that?
Carla: I did not say "get". And you're being ridiculous. What do you think, J.D.?
J.D.: [v.o.] Careful, Tiger. Careful.
J.D.: I wish people would call me Tiger.
Carla: What?

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: I agree with Laverne.
Nurse Roberts: What? [runs off]
[fantasy: Turk and Carla lasso Nurse Roberts and rope her into talking about their problem:]
Nurse Roberts: Damn kids and their stupid problems. I just wanna get home to a warm bath, catch a little bit of that Fear Factor.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, Bob! When I heard you were up on the roof I just assumed it was because your evil mission here on planet Earth had finally come to an end, so tell me this. Where exactly is the mother ship?

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: Thank you so much for taking Bober from me.
Elliot: But, J.D., I-
J.D.: I owe you.
Jordan: [singing] I'm a little doormat, I sit and stay Let people use me every single day
Elliot: Excuse me?
Jordan: Oh, it's a song I'm working on. I made it up.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Turk: What the hell, Elliot? You can't just pawn this Bober guy off on me.
Elliot: Hey, it was J.D.'s patient! I was just the middleman. Woman. Person.
J.D.: Look, we can stand here and argue about who screwed who.
Elliot: Or?
J.D.: Or nothing. I'm on break. Let's do it.
Turk: Look, rock-paper-scissors right now.
J.D.: Fine. Loser gets Bober.
All: Once, twice, three, shoot!
Woman: Did you say Bober? I'm looking for my grandfather, Frank Bober.
Nurse Roberts: We moved him to the ICU, dear. He'll show you up.
Elliot: That's OK. She- She didn't hear us.
Nurse Roberts: No, but Jesus did. [singing] Just a closer walk with thee

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: So, you want me to approve surgery on a 76-year-old man with no insurance and no life-threatening condition? Young man, I'm curious. What did you think the end result of this conversation would be?
J.D.: Well, pretty much, this. Except I'm really invested, so I thought I might try crying a little.
Dr. Kelso: Sport, if crying worked on me, my wife would have her own car by now.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Bob? I think you should reconsider.
Dr. Kelso: What's that, Perry? I mean, because that didn't sound like something a teammate would say. Maybe what you meant to do was pat me on the ass and say, "Go get 'em, Bob."
Dr. Cox: Right, but what if we were to look at this from a purely fiscal perspective?
J.D.: [v.o.] Did he just say "fiscal"?
Dr. Cox: I mean, after all, Mr. Bober is here every four to six months, and if we were to consider his surgery as a one-time expenditure, then you would be making the right financial call.
Dr. Kelso: See now? That's the kind of thinking I can get behind! How'd that make you feel?
Dr. Cox: Dirty all over.
Dr. Kelso: You get used to it.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Hey! Congratulations on becoming a resident. Glad I could help.
J.D.: Help? You were awful to me. You, you, you... Awful.
Janitor: Anyway, go get 'em, tiger. The world is your oyster, my friend.


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