Previous Episode Next Episode 

44Quotes from ‘My Bad’

Scrubs: My Bad

106. My Bad

Aired October 30, 2001

Following Dr. Cox's suspension, J.D. sees a chance to convince a board member to save his mentor's career, unaware that the board member is Cox's ex-wife Jordan. Meanwhile, when Elliot treats a psychiatrist she acts like she's his patient, and Carla is torn between her relationship with Turk and caring for her mother.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Since your jaw is wired shut, we're going to give you IV nutrition for a couple of days, OK? Oh, sorry, you can't answer. It's like going to the dentist. I hate when they ask you questions and you have that stuff in your mouth, don't you? Oh, my God, I did it again. Dr. Greenberg. Doctor? What kind of doctor are you? I keep doing it. Okay, okay. Just act it out. Head? Shrinking. A shrink! You're a shrink. Wow, I can't imagine picking psychiatry as a specialty after interning as a real doctor. That didn't come out right. It's just my dad. He's a doctor too. He says therapy is for people with more money than problems. But then my dad says a lot of things.
Nurse: Did anyone page a nurse?
Elliot: No.
Nurse: It looks like his eyes are screaming.
Elliot: Please, we're talking. Where was I?

Rate

Quote from Turk

Carla: Look, you wanted to spend the whole night together. I can't leave my mother alone. She's frail.
[Carla's mother storms into the room with a cane]
Mrs. Espinonsa: [yells in Spanish]
Turk: Baby, tell her to put the cane down!
Carla: Mama, [speaks Spanish]
Turk: Tell her to put the cane down!
Carla: She doesn't want me to have men here because I'm unmarried.
Turk: Well, tell her I needed a place to crash. She doesn't have to know we had sex all night.
Carla: She speaks English.
Turk: Then what the hell are you translating for?
Carla: Because you don't speak Spanish!
Turk: Oh, ola!
Mrs. Espinonsa: No! No!
Turk: Tell her to put the cane down.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hey, you should enjoy this while you can, Bobby. Because if your evil genie does grant your wish, and I disappear, the only person you'll have left to contend with will be yourself. And when you really get to know that person, oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud, Satan will want to rip up the contract you signed at birth just so he can get some sleep.
Dr. Kelso: Look at you with your stiff upper lip. I think I'm gonna miss that the most. [sings] Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily...

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: Don't look her in the eyes, Newbie. She'll steal your soul. So, how are things down in the underworld?
Jordan: Good. And you? Still have a rollicking social life?
Dr. Cox: Since I cut you loose it's been one big party.
Jordan: In the next five seconds, name some place, other than the hospital and your apartment, you've been in the last month. Five, four, three, two...
Dr. Cox: My car! On the way to the big party.
Jordan: Ooh, that must have hurt.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You should get dressed.
Turk: I can't. It's still out there.
Carla: Don't call my mother "it". It implies you think that she's a monster. Now, get a move on, it usually gets up to feed about now.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: She was never boring.
J.D.: What happened?
Dr. Cox: Well, you marry somebody just like your mother and then remember you hate your mother.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Say "ah".
Patient: Ah.
J.D.: OK, say "oh".
Patient: Oh.
J.D.: Everybody say "Ah, oh, ah!" [laughs] Excuse me.

Quote from Carla

Carla: I'm full of crap? If you don't care about being suspended, why are you here? You may scare everybody else with those crazy eyes, but you don't scare me.
Dr. Cox: You use your mom as an excuse to not take chances.
Carla: You're never happy unless you're here.
Dr. Cox: Admit that you're afraid to live your own life.
Carla: Admit that losing this place would kill you.
Dr. Cox: We done?
Carla: That's all I got.
Dr. Cox: Crazy eyes? Low blow.

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: Look, I know that you're on the board, and I have this friend. Well, he's not really a friend, he's really a mentor.
Jordan: Losing interest!
J.D.: Sorry. He's a- Wait, why are you dressed?
Jordan: Oh, I'm going to a party. I assume my tests are normal or else you wouldn't be chatting me up. But gosh, Huckleberry, I sure hope we can go down to the river some time and race frogs.

Quote from Ted

Ted: As legal counselor, it is my job to inform you that your suspension is effective immediately. [Dr. Cox looks at Ted] Oh, God, just the messenger. Your long-term job status will be decided at the board meeting. Until then, and I cannot bend on this, I don't want you setting foot on the premises.
Dr. Cox: I'm going to be here all day.
Ted: That works for me. That'd be good. I hope that works out.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] There's a lot of horrible things about being an intern. Long hours, constant stress, having to deal with death. But worst is the simple fact that the average intern has to disimpact 15 to 20 bowels a week. That's why there's a scared oath among interns never to make fun of each other for doing the things we have to do.
Elliot: Ha, ha. You have to touch someone's hiney.
Dr. Kelso: Dorian, come with me. And Dr...
Elliot: Reid.
Dr. Kelso: Sure, why not? Take over for him.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Look for hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.
J.D.: What happened?
Dr. Kelso: Presyncopey.
J.D.: Oh, so this board member almost fainted? I'll fire up the paddles.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, Dr. Weisenheimer's back. How was your ski trip?
J.D.: Sir, I'm confused.
Dr. Kelso: You annoy me.
J.D.: Oh, now I get it.
Dr. Kelso: But you have a nauseating charm that everyone else here seems to respond to. Use it. OK, sport?

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, are you getting younger?
Jordan: [scoffs]
Dr. Kelso: This is Dr. Dorian. He'll be looking after you.
Jordan: And who will be looking after him?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I have to be honest, when Dr. Kelso said board member, I was thinking this like old, grumpy...
Jordan: That would be my father. He died.
J.D.: I'm so sorry.
Jordan: 20 years ago.
J.D.: Oh, I would have said sorry then but I had trouble with my Ss. [chuckles] I was five. Ss.

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: So how are you feeling?
Jordan: Great, that's why I'm here. Listen, RJ.
J.D.: J.D.
Jordan: Like it matters. You seem like a nice, spineless, boy, so let's be honest. I'm here because it was the only way to end my beast of a mother's nagging pseudo-concern.
J.D.: That's sweet.
Jordan: So, do your little tests. But first, close the blinds, wash off whatever 8th-grade-dance cologne you're wearing so we don't add nausea to my symptoms, and I'll need lemon wedges for my sparkling water, which for some reason you have yet to get me.
J.D.: Okay, let me just-
Jordan: Doing things I want first. Your little tests later.
J.D.: Nice to meet you. [v.o.] I hate you.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Merry Christmas! I mean, happy Halloween! Ugh, I am so frazzled. I did not sleep at all. In fact, I haven't really slept since I started here. It's so much pressure. I can't talk to anyone here. It's so competitive. I used to be able to talk to my mom, but now, I don't know, she listens, but she just never seems to hear me, you know?
[Dr. Greenberg holds up a piece of paper which reads "How does that make you feel?"]
Elliot: Lonely, depressed, overwhelmed. And sometimes I have no idea how I'm possibly going to make it through this.
[Dr. Greenberg holds up a piece of paper which reads "Pain pill"]
Elliot: Oh, no. I don't even like to take aspirin. I'd rather just... [he points to himself] Oh, you!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [talking into a stethoscope] Is anybody up there? Up there up there up there I'm all alone down here here here It's cold. I'm frightened.

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: Listen, you spoiled, bossy chore of a woman.
Jordan: I'm sorry. What did you just say?
J.D.: [v.o.] You're in now, go for it.
J.D.: I'm the doctor here. So put your gown back on, get back in bed and shut the hell up!
Jordan: No one talks to me that way.
J.D.: Well, get used to it, missy. Um, I didn't mean to be such a hard ass, just now. You can totally wait until I'm gone to put your gown back on.
Jordan: Take off your pants.
J.D.: Yes, ma'am.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Hello, Jordan.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no, no.
Jordan: Perry.
J.D.: Perry?
Dr. Cox: You never heard that.
J.D.: [v.o.] I never heard that. I'm not here. And I don't have your ex-wife's bite mark on my neck.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] I gotta get out of here. Anger like this has a way of being passed on to whoever's closest.
Carla: Dr. Cox, I know you're suspended but you're the only one my mother trusts.
Dr. Cox: Not now!
[later:]
Carla: [to Turk] This is all your fault.
[later:}
Elliot: Turk, can I talk?
Turk: No. You can't. That's why they're called your problems.
[later, Elliot throws a coffee cup towards the janitor and misses the bin:]
Elliot: Sorry.
[The Janitor then hits J.D.'s pants with a wet mop as he exits the elevator]
Janitor: Happy Halloween. Maybe that'll teach you not to spy on people during their alone time.

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: Ms. Sullivan? Excuse me, Ms. Sullivan?
Jordan: Honey, I think we're way past Ms Sullivan.
J.D.: OK, Jordan. [chuckles] Uh, I just don't think we should see each other again.
Jordan: The story of my life. Any time I let my guard down just a little, I get hurt.
J.D.: I am so sorry.
Jordan: You know how long it's been since I connected with someone? You know, i's not fair that because of him, I don't get to spend time [laughing] Boy, it's hard to keep that going. See you, DJ, I got a date. "See each other again!" [exits]
J.D.: She's gonna be OK.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Okay, what?
J.D.: Your ex-wife. She's the answer.
Dr. Cox: Uh, "Things That Ruined My Life"? "Things That Took Half My Money"? "Things With Sharp Edges"?
J.D.: Come on. She's on the board. Deep down, I'm sure she's a reasonable person. Not that I know her that well, or at all, or have ever been alone with her. But if you just-
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: Ask.
Dr. Cox: I'm going to go and do this as slowly as possible so you don't misunderstand. [elongated] No.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] There are other ways to save Dr. Cox's job. I could try talking to Dr. Kelso.
[Dr. Kelso laughs]
J.D.: [v.o.] Cox could get plastic surgery to look like Jimmie Walker.
Dr. Cox: [in Jimmie Walker's body] This guy's gonna need 30mEqs of KCL.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or I could just ask Jimmie Walker to talk to Dr. Kelso.
Jimmie Walker: Your man Cox is the best. I know he's got an unorthodox way of doing things, but all the innovators do. Now, everybody deserves a second chance. Am I right?
Dr. Kelso: Who are you?

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: Jordan, look, I know you're on your way to the board meeting and I know you don't really like me, but...
Jordan: I don't dislike you. I nothing you.
J.D.: Oh, thanks, that's special.
J.D.: Look, I have to ask you a favor. But you have to know this is not why we slept together.
Jordan: Yeah, you had nothing to do with why we slept together.
J.D.: I think we both know that's not completely true.
Jordan: Oh, please. Even though you're terrified that good Dr. Cox will find out, if I wanted you to go to his apartment, have sex with me in front of him, you would.
J.D.: Please don't do that.

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: [v.o.] I don't know why she did it, maybe I got to her. Maybe she knows how much the hospital needs him.
Maybe she remembers why she cared about him in the first place.
Jordan: [to Dr. Cox] I did it because the thought of you rotting here in this fluorescent tomb is more fun than tipping a valet with your alimony check.
Dr. Cox: Oh, listen here, pumpkin, if you're honestly having this much trouble getting over me, just go ahead and give me a call, and I'll toss you a sympathy throw-down any time.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You asked her for help, didn't you?
J.D.: Look, I don't think you realize how important you are to some people around here.
J.D.: [v.o.] I'll always remember that as the first thank-you I got from Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Jeez, Agnes. Does the field-hockey team know that you're missing?
J.D.: [v.o.] It felt good.


 Episode 105 Episode 107 
  Select another episode