Ted: I don't get it, sir. Why do our doctors have to put up pictures of themselves in their patients' rooms?
Dr. Kelso: Because, Ted, not only does it make our doctors more accountable, but a recent AMA study showed that it helps our patients feel much closer bond with their physician. Plus, who wouldn't want this young buck at their bedside.
Nurse Roberts: That picture's so old that the beaches are still segregated. Look, that's us way in the back. Doesn't that bother you?
Dr. Kelso: Good God, I'm stunning.

Carla: So what, I'm not funny?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I think you're very funny, when you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in your wheelhouse. And it's no different for any of us. Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck. Your husband sells it with a cocky attitude.
Turk: Yeah, you know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
Dr. Cox: The janitor is amusing because, quite frankly, he's insane.
Janitor: I made shoes for my rabbit.
Dr. Cox: And Alice here, well, she can turn a phrase. I assume that because I just called you Alice, that you're now fantasizing about me being the maid in The Brady Bunch.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox is wearing a blue maid's uniform with a big, puffy hair]
Dr. Cox: Am I right?
[reality:]
J.D.: [v.o.] He was.
Dr. Cox: Now sadly, some people just aren't funny, but they have got funny names. For example: Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Colonel Doctor and Snoop Dogg Intern.
Snoop Dogg Resident: Hey, hey.
Dr. Cox: My bad, Snoop Dog Resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
Ted: I am?
Dr. Cox: Yes.
Ted: Aw.
Dr. Cox: And me? Well, I'm funny because I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T....T. I also do, uh, funny rants. To tell you the truth, there is only one guy in this entire dump who is funny no matter what he says.
Dr. Kelso: Holy hell, are my new boxers made of wool? Because my weasel's getting heat stroke!
Dr. Cox: The point is: please, don't tell any more jokes.

J.D.: Bitches, leave!
Nurse Roberts: It's go-time.
Turk: No, no, no, no. No, we're playing "guess the movie quote". That was from Robocop. It's my turn. "I could've got more out".
J.D.: Schindler's List. I took my college girlfriend Stacy Blue to see that on our first date. I cried, she didn't. Always thought that was weird.

Turk: I remember Stacy.
J.D.: Of course you do, Turk, you banged her while I was in Theology.
Turk: For the hundredth time, nothing happened! We had a water-balloon fight, got wet and took our clothes off. You walked in and thought the worst.
J.D.: There were no water balloons. I looked, no balloons. You know what, I'm tired of this story. I have Stacy's number on my phone, I'm gonna call her and we'll clear it up once and for all.
Turk: Call her.
J.D.: [on the phone] Hi, Mrs. Blue? Hi, it's, uh, Dr. John Dorian, I dated your beautiful daughter, Stacy, when we were in college. She's dead? She fell asleep in the pool?
Turk: Oh, my God!
J.D.: Incidentally did she ever mention banging a black guy when she was in college? Had a high-top fade like Kid 'n Play. Kid, Kid, Kid n' Play, you know, they were a rap group. Your dead daughter loved them. Hello?!

J.D.: Maybe you not being able to have sex tonight is karmic payback for having sex with Stacy.
Turk: J.D., drop it!
e:What happened that night?
J.D.: This is how I remember it.
[flashback to a long-haired J.D. walking to his college dorm room:]
J.D.: [v.o.] I was coming down from class and from outside my room I heard, "Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!" So I opened the door and I see you and Stacy. So I said: "Get off my girl before I kick your ass so deep, you won't be crapping out Keds for a week!" Then you said: "Chill out, dawg. You know you're my boy! This ain't be what it looks like, a'ight?"
[present:]
J.D.: But it wasn't a'ight, was it Turk?

Turk: This is what really happened.
[flashback to a bored Turk and Stacy sitting in his college dorm room:]
Turk: [v.o.] Stacy and I were waiting for you to come back from class, and she said: "Hey, we should have a water-balloon fight!" We got all wet from the water balloons and Stacy was like: "Brr, I'm cold! Let's take off all our clothes, get under the covers and warm up!" Then you came back from your class and you heard Stacy saying: "Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys!" [Turk spinning a basketball on his finger] Then you came in and said "Uh, hey guys" "Calm down J.D., this isn't what it looks like." Then I said: "All right?"
[present:]
Turk: Nothing happened. So drop it.
J.D.: No balloons! And we didn't even have a basketball!

Brian: So how'd you try it?
Carla: Brian!
Turk: Please, you're dying to know.
Carla: No, I'm not.
Elliot: Carla, it's fine. I was all into poetry back then, you know, Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolfe. I know, shocker. Well, they both killed themselves. Plath stuck her head in the oven but that was not an option for me, because every time my head gets hot I need to pee and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again, not after the prom fiasco.

J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Cox and I were both taking care of Private Dancer.
J.D.: See, I went with a younger picture, 'cause I like the father/son motif. That is taken seconds after I won the watermelon seed spitting contest at my theatre camp. Probably my happiest day as a teenager.
Dr. Cox: That is both very sad and, not the least, bit shocking.

J.D.: [v.o.] Brian cared about one goodbye more than others.
Brian: Hey, um, would-would you sign this? I promise you I'll put that up in barracks.
Elliot: So you want me to start with how I still can't walk normally and then segue into an anecdote about how you played my tush like a bunghole until I cried out in pleasure-pain?
Brian: Sorry?
Elliot: Your army buddies are gonna see it, I assumed you want it filthy.
Brian: No, filthy is cool.

Dr. Cox: If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself, I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here.
Elliot: So, I decided to do it like Virginia Woolf, I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself. Got up early on a Saturday, put on my bikini.
Brian: Whoa, wow, why would you wear a bikini?
Elliot: Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Punjadi's car. That story informs this one, but I'm not going to tell it. Anyhow, I swam up to the middle of the lake, and I couldn't bring to myself to go under so I just started, you know, floating around waiting to get tired, and then, bam, bam, bam, bam. I got hit in the head by four oars as our school's rowing team passed by. And then they just picked me out of the lake and took me home.