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‘My Waste of Time’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Waste of Time

710. My Waste of Time

Aired May 1, 2008

Elliot and J.D. spend time together as she tries to find an old patient who may have had an adverse effect from a drug. As Dr. Cox settles into his new role as Chief of Medicine, baby Jennifer has minor surgery. When the Janitor helps Ted become more assertive, it leads to a splintering of the Brain Trust. Meanwhile, Carla and Turk discuss having a second baby.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Carla doesn't want the prosthetic. I do.
J.D.: Why would you lie?
Turk: Sometimes, you say you're doing something for someone else when you really want to do it for yourself.
J.D.: I get it. Maybe that's what Elliot's doing.
Dr. Cox: What in the hell are you talking about?
J.D.: Oh, I'm just doing this thing where I use a slice of wisdom from someone else's life to solve a problem in my own life.
Jordan: Seems coincidental.
J.D.: And yet I do it almost every week.


Quote from Dr. Kelso

Janitor: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: I'm bringing a cup of coffee to Dr. Cox.
Janitor: Why? That's not your job. Come on. You got a fresh start here. You going to stick to the same dynamic you had with Dr. Kelso? Remember how that started?
[flashback to a full-haired Ted meeting Dr. Kelso:]
Ted: Hi, Dr. Kelso. Theodore Buckland, licensed attorney.
Dr. Kelso: Ted, before you get started, and trust me, I hate asking this, would you mind doing me one tiny, little, non-work-related favor?
Ted: No problem, man.
[later, Ted is cleaning the bumper of Kelso's car with a toothbrust]
Dr. Kelso: Make sure you get the backside of that grill. I hit the neighbor's cat last night. Quick little bastard. I had to cross two lanes to get him.

Quote from Turk

Carla: I am not being ridiculous. To be safe, I'm going to line your boxers with bubble wrap.
Turk: Esta loca.
Carla: Look. We haven't talked about whether we want another kid, and if something happened... I just don't that decision to be made for us.
Turk: No decision's been made.
Carla: Are you sure?
Turk: I know there's only one down there, but he's the better one. He's like Tina Turner after she left Ike. Stronger, more confident, and is going to have a very successful solo career.

Quote from Janitor

Ted: We have a quorum.
Janitor: Thank you, Ted. I would like to welcome everyone to the new Brain Trust Clubhouse, or, as I like to call it, the Brain House. [chuckles]
Todd: Can I make a motion?
Janitor: If by a motion you mean a literal motion in which you simulate a crude sexual act, then absolutely not.
Todd: Withdrawn.
Janitor: Gentlemen, the first order of business is this. From now on, our tri-daily meetings will all take place right here.
Ted: Can we just take this office?
Janitor: Ted, we live in a country called America. And in America, every man is free to do as he or she wishes and to claim anything he or she wishes with the simple act of planting a flag. In the same manner, I claimed my parking space, the dead possum across the street, and Doug's sandwich.
Doug: How'd he do that?
Janitor: Thank you.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: So, I forgot to do laundry this morning, but I stood up to Carla anyway.
J.D.: Wow. That takes a lot of ball. See, I made it singular 'cause you only have one manberry.
Turk: Not for long. I'm getting an implant.
J.D.: Why? Is it because your balance is off? I didn't want to say anything, but you have been turning left more often than usual.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Okay. Izzy is down for her nap.
Carla: What's with the champagne?
Turk: Celebration. Izzy sleeping through the night and us finally finding a nanny who's not a thief.
Carla: I still don't think we needed to fire Mrs. Norton just because she ate the last of your rice pudding.
Turk: I wrote my name on it, okay? No! It's... No, wait. I wrote my...

Quote from Doug

Janitor: Nice work on the renovation, boys.
Doug: We also had an organ donor come into the morgue today, so I'd like to introduce our new mascot Barry Morris's brain.
Janitor: I dub that gross. Second? Okay. Note in the minutes as gross.

Quote from J.D.

Police Officer: Okay, the manager's fine. Luckily, he maced the driver with a packet of hot sauce before they got to the freeway.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, he doesn't know you caused this, so stay calm.
Police Officer: Any more information I should know?
J.D.: Yes, but not about this. We're doctors. We like to give out health tips. You should wear sunscreen, even with your dark complexion.
J.D.: [v.o.] Nice save.
Elliot: We did it. We put up the sign.
J.D.: You should also stay hydrated.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: There's one thing we have to remember, and that's that I decide what's best for the brain trust.
Ted: I thought this was a democracy.
Janitor: Oh, then it's just miscommunication. No, the brain trust is a dictatorship masquerading as a democracy. I know that you all remember when I seized power during the revolution of '02, when I overthrew Kyle during the battle of the basement supply closet. Or have you forgotten your history?
Ted: Well, maybe I'll just start my own brain trust.
Janitor: You can't. Brain Trust is a registered trademark. I own that name. And Chanel.

Quote from J.D.

Janitor: What's going on here? This is a Brain Trust table.
Ted: I don't see your flag on it.
Janitor: That's 'cause we're not using flags anymore. We're using, uh, napkin holders. There. Brain Trust table.
J.D.: [to Sammy] Those two should have their own sitcom.
[fantasy: Ted and the Janitor sing a theme song:]
Ted: I'm a lawyer
Janitor: I'm a janitor
Both: Together, we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians, get it?
J.D.: I'd watch that show. Would you?

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Times were changing. Dr. Kelso had quit, so the board had made Dr. Cox the interim chief of medicine.
Dr. Cox: I don't want everybody making a big deal out of this. I'm certainly not going to.
Carla: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Chief Dr. Cox.
Carla: Right. The board wants to know when you're coming to the budget meeting.
Dr. Cox: Tell them I will be right down.
Carla: He's on his way. [hangs up] You're not going, are you?
Dr. Cox: Not now, not ever.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: How exciting is it that you run this place now? I'm so proud of you. It's like a whole new day has dawned.
Dr. Cox: Do me a big favor there, Barbo. Get that prescription filled for me.
Elliot: "One chill pill."
Dr. Cox: That's for you. Unlimited refills.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, chief? I need your approval on the settlement letter from the drug company that makes Plomox.
Turns out if diabetics take it, it can cause hypertension or even death.
Turk: Diabetics can die from what?
Carla: From not doing the laundry this morning the way they promised to.
Turk: Baby, I ain't never promised to do the laundry. I promised I'd try to get to it. And I wasn't able to.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You know what? I don't have time for all this Plomox crap. My daughter's having her shunt removed. Granted, not a life-threatening procedure, but still, I have to be there to hold Jordan's claw. And besides, this stuff happened on Bob's watch. I'm quite certain he'd want to take care of it. Would you please give him a call?
[When Carla phones Dr. Kelso, he just laughs]
Carla: He wasn't receptive.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Anyway, Carla wants me to get it, so now I have to pick out a prosthetic.
[fantasy: J.D. and Turk shop at a big box store:]
Cashier: Hello, and welcome to Ball Mart.
J.D.: Oh, Turk, look at all the different styles. This one has a diamond stud in it. And and this one says "I'm with stupid" and has an arrow pointing to the real one.
Turk: This one has a thermostat and doubles as a hand warmer.
J.D.: You know, that would be perfect for next weekend's ice fishing trip.
[later, J.D., Dr. Cox and the Todd are shivering in a cabin]
J.D.: I can't believe we all fell through that hole in the ice.
Dr. Cox: If we don't warm up soon, we're all going to die. Hey, why aren't you cold?
Turk: [hands down his pants] All right. Come on.
[later, Dr. Cox, the Todd and J.D. bask in the glow of a naked Turk's nether regions:]
Dr. Cox: All right. Now, nobody makes eye contact.
Todd: This is heaven.
Turk: Careful, y'all. That bad boy runs hot.
J.D.: [with a ball-shaped burn on his face] You're telling me.
[later, J.D., Turk and Dr. Cox return to the hospital:]
Carla: Hey, guys. How was fishing?
J.D.: It was all right.
Todd: [covered in ball burns] Best trip ever! Ice fishing five!
Turk: Hey, you're going to be late for your shift.
J.D.: I got to stop with the long fantasies. They're never worth it.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: All right, kid, I expect updates on my daughter every 15 minutes. Or what, Perry?
Dr. Cox: You will be let go.
Jordan: I love that you're the boss now. Honest to god, it almost makes you seem attractive.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Cox: How in the hell did Kelso deal with all this paperwork? What do you want, Ted?
Ted: Now that you're Chief, i'm your number two. I think you'll find me more than qualified. I'm hardworking, reliable, and I recently figured out how to open up my briefcase.
Dr. Cox: Congrats. Take a look at that for me, and grab me a cup of coffee.
Ted: No sweat. [struggles to open briefcase] Oh, I just had it.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Chief Dr. Cox.
Elliot: Hey, your initials are C.D.C. That was my nickname in my sorority. "Crying drunk chick".

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I just want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with your daughter.
Jordan: Can you make him stop talking?
Dr. Cox: I've tried for seven years. It can't be done.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: My point is, you could be a whole new Ted. Now, come on. Turn around. Chest out. Stand tall. Chin up. Blink your eyes real fast. Just kidding. That was for me. Give me that. [spills Ted's coffee]
Ted: Don't you have to clean that up?
Janitor: Not on Tuesdays. I want you to get in there and tell Dr. Cox what's what.

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