Turk: Carla doesn't want the prosthetic. I do.
J.D.: Why would you lie?
Turk: Sometimes, you say you're doing something for someone else when you really want to do it for yourself.
J.D.: I get it. Maybe that's what Elliot's doing.
Dr. Cox: What in the hell are you talking about?
J.D.: Oh, I'm just doing this thing where I use a slice of wisdom from someone else's life to solve a problem in my own life.
Jordan: Seems coincidental.
J.D.: And yet I do it almost every week.

Janitor: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: I'm bringing a cup of coffee to Dr. Cox.
Janitor: Why? That's not your job. Come on. You got a fresh start here. You going to stick to the same dynamic you had with Dr. Kelso? Remember how that started?
[flashback to a full-haired Ted meeting Dr. Kelso:]
Ted: Hi, Dr. Kelso. Theodore Buckland, licensed attorney.
Dr. Kelso: Ted, before you get started, and trust me, I hate asking this, would you mind doing me one tiny, little, non-work-related favor?
Ted: No problem, man.
[later, Ted is cleaning the bumper of Kelso's car with a toothbrush]
Dr. Kelso: Make sure you get the backside of that grill. I hit the neighbor's cat last night. Quick little bastard. I had to cross two lanes to get him.

Carla: I am not being ridiculous. To be safe, I'm going to line your boxers with bubble wrap.
Turk: Esta loca.
Carla: Look. We haven't talked about whether we want another kid, and if something happened... I just don't that decision to be made for us.
Turk: No decision's been made.
Carla: Are you sure?
Turk: I know there's only one down there, but he's the better one. He's like Tina Turner after she left Ike. Stronger, more confident, and is going to have a very successful solo career.

Ted: We have a quorum.
Janitor: Thank you, Ted. I would like to welcome everyone to the new Brain Trust Clubhouse, or, as I like to call it, the Brain House. [chuckles]
Todd: Can I make a motion?
Janitor: If by a motion you mean a literal motion in which you simulate a crude sexual act, then absolutely not.
Todd: Withdrawn.
Janitor: Gentlemen, the first order of business is this. From now on, our tri-daily meetings will all take place right here.
Ted: Can we just take this office?
Janitor: Ted, we live in a country called America. And in America, every man is free to do as he or she wishes and to claim anything he or she wishes with the simple act of planting a flag. In the same manner, I claimed my parking space, the dead possum across the street, and Doug's sandwich.
Doug: How'd he do that?
Janitor: Thank you.

Turk: So, I forgot to do laundry this morning, but I stood up to Carla anyway.
J.D.: Wow. That takes a lot of ball. See, I made it singular 'cause you only have one manberry.
Turk: Not for long. I'm getting an implant.
J.D.: Why? Is it because your balance is off? I didn't want to say anything, but you have been turning left more often than usual.

Turk: Okay. Izzy is down for her nap.
Carla: What's with the champagne?
Turk: Celebration. Izzy sleeping through the night and us finally finding a nanny who's not a thief.
Carla: I still don't think we needed to fire Mrs. Norton just because she ate the last of your rice pudding.
Turk: I wrote my name on it, okay? No! It's... No, wait. I wrote my...

Janitor: Nice work on the renovation, boys.
Doug: We also had an organ donor come into the morgue today, so I'd like to introduce our new mascot Barry Morris's brain.
Janitor: I dub that gross. Second? Okay. Note in the minutes as gross.

Police Officer: Okay, the manager's fine. Luckily, he maced the driver with a packet of hot sauce before they got to the freeway.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, he doesn't know you caused this, so stay calm.
Police Officer: Any more information I should know?
J.D.: Yes, but not about this. We're doctors. We like to give out health tips. You should wear sunscreen, even with your dark complexion.
J.D.: [v.o.] Nice save.
Elliot: We did it. We put up the sign.
J.D.: You should also stay hydrated.

Janitor: There's one thing we have to remember, and that's that I decide what's best for the brain trust.
Ted: I thought this was a democracy.
Janitor: Oh, then it's just miscommunication. No, the brain trust is a dictatorship masquerading as a democracy. I know that you all remember when I seized power during the revolution of '02, when I overthrew Kyle during the battle of the basement supply closet. Or have you forgotten your history?
Ted: Well, maybe I'll just start my own brain trust.
Janitor: You can't. Brain Trust is a registered trademark. I own that name. And Chanel.

Janitor: What's going on here? This is a Brain Trust table.
Ted: I don't see your flag on it.
Janitor: That's 'cause we're not using flags anymore. We're using, uh, napkin holders. There. Brain Trust table.
J.D.: [to Sammy] Those two should have their own sitcom.
[fantasy: Ted and the Janitor sing a theme song:]
Ted: I'm a lawyer
Janitor: I'm a janitor
Both: Together, we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians, get it?
[reality:]
J.D.: I'd watch that show. Would you?